We don't mean to lie but we're all just so accustomed to embellishing or withholding the whole truth that it becomes habitual. This habit is reinforced socially as in, "I'm just trying to be nice," politically as in, "politically correct," and personally as in, "I'm just fine."

Experts say that we lie, not so much to impress others, but to maintain a view of ourselves that's consistent with the way we'd like to be. We want to be agreeable, to make the social situation smoother or easier, and to avoid insulting others through disagreement or discord.

I suggest that in most cases, our lies erode our own trust in ourselves at some level. So I believe that one of the most powerful things we can do as facilitators, trainers, or leaders is to gently make our participants aware of any lie, delusion, incongruence, or inconsistency that we see. This can open up a whole new world of possibilities for your group.

Say you're facilitating a problem-solving session with a group of executives who are having problems working together. None of them can put their finger on why they can't work together better, but they talk nonstop about their problems. 

Each of them can't wait to make their case and they often interrupt each other to articulately express their point of view. You find yourself tempted to buy in to their story and quite frankly, you're a little intimidated by the brilliance and charisma that each executive displays in stating their "case." 

But deep down, you sense something is off. You feel intimidated and irritated, and you begin to smell their need to be right pervading the atmosphere. You also notice that their one-way communication and relating style is not a recipe for successful teamwork. What do you do? 

It's time to simply stop the group and state your perception. "As I listen to you, it seems to me that no one is listening. I sense that each of you are pushing your individual agendas and ignoring each other. Is this the kind of team you want?"

There are three important things to consider when pointing out a lie:

1. State your observation as your perception versus a fact, e.g. "It seems or me..." Or, "in my perception, it looks like..."

2. Ask questions. For instance, "How is this behavior working for you?" Or, "Is this the way you want to be perceived by others?"

3. Don't force your agenda. Give the group or individual permission to keep doing what they're doing. This can defuse any potential hostility or reaction to your observation.

What Is the Emperor Wearing?: Truth-Telling in Business Relationships, by Laurie Weiss

In today's world, the success of most activities depends on people's ability to work together. Dr. Weiss demonstrates that truth telling is the only reasonable path for organizations and individual relationships to excel. Her argument is that learning the skills to communicate one's own reality builds synergistic relationships and leads to greater productivity and satisfaction in the workplace. The first part of the book presents stories of people in real life situations who struggle with whether or not to tell the truth. The second part includes life experiences of people and companies that willingly have engaged in the journey of truth telling. Each chapter concludes with an evaluation of the story presented, provides guidelines to identify the problem, and lists strategies and techniques to address and resolve the situation. The topics include codependency, passive aggressive behavior, gullibility, paranoia, blind spots, intuition, ethical dilemmas, and hidden truths. The book is easy reading, insightful, and can serve as a quick reference in difficult situations. The techniques discussed can easily be translated to settings other than business.