A theologian named Walter Wink suggests that violence has been a social norm in the human community for some eight thousand years. That's when a myth evolved that the world was created by a heroic, virtuous male god who defeated an evil female goddess. From this point on, we've been in this struggle of good and evil, right and wrong, which has supported the development of a system of "retributive justice."

In this system, the majority surrender their responsibility to "authorities" who levy justice by deciding who "deserves" to be punished and who deserves to be rewarded. Further, if we can make a case for ourselves being "right" or "good", that immediately implies that the other side is "wrong" or "bad" and we supposedly "win." We've been so ingrained with this strategy that it really seems to make sense to most of us. In fact, many may argue there is no better strategy. But it's really absurd when you think about it. Isn't it? Wouldn't it be better to find a strategy that helped everyone win? A strategy that sought to restore harmony within the larger social fabric?

A man named Marshal Rosenberg has developed just such a strategy that he calls "Nonviolent Communication" (NVC), which promotes "restorative justice." This approach, instead of asking the question, "Who's to blame here?" seeks instead to answer the question, "How do we restore peace?" Or put another way, how do we restore a state in which people care about one another's well-being?

1. Observe what is happening in a given situation. Objectively listen to the messages coming from both sides of the conflict. What might they be feeling? What might they need or want? Read between the lines if necessary and prompt them to uncover their feelings and their needs.

2. Identify what each party is feeling. Our bias toward analysis frequently has us talking "about" what we think is going on more often than actually expressing what is going on for us. "Thinking about" things is an abstraction at least one level removed from our reality. It also comprises "lifeless" conversation. Our present moment feelings and senses express what is "real" and "true" for us now. These are expressions of our life force in real time.

3. Identify what each party needs. When we clearly express what we actually need in a given situation, we show respect for ourselves. And by "owning" our truth in this way, we show respect for the other party as well.

4. Have each side make requests for desired outcomes. Once each side understands what the other feels and needs, we have a chance to use our energies to create win-win solutions. Energies that otherwise may be wasted attempting to force a loss on the other side.

This strategy may seem obvious and simplistic, yet most people, particularly when ensnared in conflict, don't speak this way to each other. Most of us rebound into our conditioned approach of defending our positions and blaming or pointing out the flaws in the other's logic.

With most of us in western culture trained to repress or discount our needs, we often seek ineffective ways to assuage the ever present feelings showing up that are merely symptoms of our unmet and unconscious needs. We become addicted to consumerism and distraction and when we have disagreements with others, we try to "win" at their expense. After all, if the only game I know is win/lose, then by god I'd better do all I can to win.

As it begins to dawn on us that anytime someone loses in a closed system, we all ultimately pay a price...if not today, then tomorrow...then it becomes important to develop strategies that best meet everyone's needs.

Use the NVC approach with yourself right now around any conflict or unrest going on inside of you. Follow the four steps above to find a peaceful resolution between the conflicting parts. We'd love to hear how this works for you. Just reply to this email to send me your comments.

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Create Your Life, Your Relationships, and Your World in Harmony with Your Values,
by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Arun Gandhi

Do you hunger for skills to improve the quality of your relationships, to deepen your sense of personal empowerment or to simply communicate more effectively? Unfortunately, for centuries our culture has taught us to think and speak in ways that can actually perpetuate conflict, internal pain and even violence. Nonviolent Communication partners practical skills with a powerful consciousness and vocabulary to help you get what you want peacefully.

In this internationally acclaimed text, Marshall Rosenberg offers insightful stories, anecdotes, practical exercises and role-plays that will dramatically change your approach to communication for the better. Discover how the language you use can strengthen your relationships, build trust, prevent conflicts and heal pain. Revolutionary, yet simple, NVC offers you the most effective tools to reduce violence and create peace in your life—one interaction at a time.

Over 150,000 copies sold and now available in 20 languages around the world. More than 250,000 people each year from all walks of life are learning these life-changing skills.