"This doesn't feel safe. What are you doing?"

When I hear a comment like that from a participant in one of my groups, I feel it in my stomach. Is the participant saying I can't be trusted? That I'm trying to hurt someone? That I'm "evil?" A group participant can threaten to disrupt my group process -- what I call "busting my container" -- in a variety of ways. Expressing a concern about safety or leadership is only one of them. For me, though, it's one of the hardest issues because of its potential to take me down emotionally, into fear and distrust of myself.

As a Shadow Work group facilitator, however, I see container-busting as a symptom of an underlying personal issue for the participant, stemming from a bad experience in the past.

In other words, a person who's trying to bust my container is doing so for "good" reasons. Let's say a group member named Oona mentions feeling unsafe. This tells me that she's been in a group where there was, in fact, something unsafe for her. In that group, Oona got hurt in some way. That experience left Oona with "radar" for safety issues in a group. If her comment is directed at me as group leader, I have reason to believe she was hurt by a group leader in the past. Perhaps by a teacher, a religious official, a troop leader -- or, since the family is our first experience of a group, by a parent, sibling, or other family member. Perhaps someone criticized Oona in front of others, or embarrassed or humiliated her. Perhaps someone tried to control or manipulate her and left her feeling like prey.

In my group, Oona's radar has caught a whiff of something that resembles that past experience, however faintly. It doesn't mean that anyone besides Oona is actually at risk. All it means is that Oona's radar is up.

And it's up for good reasons -- to protect her from getting criticized or humiliated or manipulated again. Because not only would she feel unsafe, but she would most likely feel ashamed about not preventing it from happening again.

Shadow Work has a unique method for working with that inner radar, by viewing it as a part of the self who's like a radar operator. The inner radar operator is the voice of a person's resistance. My generic name for this part of the self is the Risk Manager, but I've heard people call it their Inner Protector, Guardian Angel, even Bullshit Detector.

Whatever its name, our Risk Manager's job is the same: to be vigilant in detecting risks so that you won't get hurt like before. When I'm working with an individual client, I welcome the Risk Manager to the process and honor its role in my client's life. It begins to reveal things about my client's past that I couldn't possibly know otherwise. It becomes a valuable ally who can help me fulfill Job One, which is to create a safe emotional environment. In a sense, my client's Risk Manager becomes my co-facilitator. In fact, I think of my Risk Manager as the part of me that became trained to lead groups. It started by "scoping things out" to protect me, and it resisted any group leader who didn't know what he or she was doing. Naturally, it thought it could do a better job and decided to learn how!

In my teleclass on November 10, I'll be discussing what the Risk Manager means for you in your groups. I've seen five kinds of resistance arise in a group, and I'll be discussing how to handle them by honoring the Risk Manager.

The first kind of resistance to change, and usually the easiest one to deal with, is skepticism about the group's direction ("What's going on here?"). Second is fear-mongering ("Something big and scary is coming!") which can sabotage a group emotionally. Third is confusion from too many options ("We could do A or B or C or D or E or..."), so that the group can no longer see the forest for the trees.
For me, and I think for most group leaders, the fourth and fifth kinds of resistance are the hardest: criticism of my methods and criticism of me personally. If Oona says to me, "You're doing it wrong," she had a group leader in the past who was, in fact, doing something wrong, and things didn't work out too well. If Oona says to me, "You're not qualified," she had an unqualified group leader in the past. That experience made her feel like prey, and the hurt she felt now wants to hurt me back and make me feel like prey.

But I don't have to feel like prey because I know she's got a good reason for attacking me. In fact, I can feel glad that she's attacking me, because it means her Risk Manager is on guard to keep her safe. What's more, I can disarm her resistance by honoring her Risk Manager without her even being aware of it.

How? First, inside myself, by believing that no matter how disruptive or unpleasant her behavior, she's acting this way for a good reason, and that she's hurting inside. And second, by genuinely honoring her reasons in my response: "I'll bet there's a good reason why you're seeing things that way." In the teleclass, I'll have more to say about this response and add some steps for responding to each kind of resistance.

When you learn to honor the Risk Manager, you'll immediately feel the increased safety and trust in your groups. With more safety and trust, group members will take more responsibility. You may even find that learning about your own Risk Manager makes a difference for you personally, because it means you've had good reasons for everything you've done. I'll be offering an optional exercise in which you can step into your own Risk Manager so I can honor it directly. Honoring this part of yourself will make it easier for you to make changes in your own life, and to feel compassion for yourself about painful experiences in your past.

Facilitation Expert Series