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TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE AT A BAD BAPTISM SERVICE: 10. The Coast Guard is involved. 9. The service is held at Splash Mountain Water Parks. 8. Preacher wears scuba gear. 7. As the baptism begins the theme from "Jaws" is heard 6. The preacher uses a "Billy the Bass" singing "Take Me to the River" instead of the traditional "Shall We Gather at the River?". 5. You keep hearing the preacher saying, "Oops! Honestly, sister; I didn't know about that drop-off!" 4. The minister can't get the rather large person being baptized back up out of the water and calls for help. 3. The deacon board shows up with fishing gear. 2. Just as the congregation starts to sing, Paul Hogan jumps out of the water and wrestles the preacher into submission. AND THE NO. 1 YOU'RE AT A BAD BAPTISM SERVICE: 1. Two Words: Alka Seltzer ===================================== Brother Baku entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Head Friar said, "Welcome Brother, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so." Brother Baku lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Head Friar said to him: "Brother Baku, you have been here 5 years now, you may speak two words." Brother Baku said, "Hard Bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the Head Friar said. "We will get you a better bed." After another 5 years, Brother Baku was called by the Head Friar. "You may say another two words Brother Baku." "Cold food," said Brother Baku, and the Head Friar assured him that the food would be better in the future. On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Head Friar summoned Brother Baku to hear his allowed two words. "I quit," said Brother Baku. "It is probably best," said the Head Friar. "You've done nothing but complain since you've been here." ===================== An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol. "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer said. The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" "He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled. The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?" The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?" The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!" The woman then gave the officer her license. "I see you are from Arkansas," the patrolman said. "I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?" The old man replied, "He said he knows you!" ================= One Sunday morning during service, a 2,000 member congregation was surprised to see two men enter, both covered from head to toe in black and carrying sub-machine guns. One of the men proclaimed, "Anyone willing to take a bullet for Christ remain where you are." Immediately, the choir fled, the deacons fled, and most of the congregation fled. Out of the 2,000 there only remained around 20. The man who had spoken took off his hood, looked at the preacher and said, "Okay Pastor, I got rid of all the hypocrites. Now you may begin your service. Have a nice day!" And the two men turned and walked out. +++++++++++++++ QUESTION: If you were looking for a new spouse, which ONE thing would be most important? Of the 3,878 participants who took the survey, they responded as follows: 11% Chose Good Looks 17% Chose Money 26% Chose Intelligence43% Chose Sense of Humor It looks like 43% of us could increase our attractiveness to our spouse with a little effort. :) http://oaktree.faithsite.com |
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