If I Can't...

A four-year-old was in church when the wine and communion wafers were passed out. He was very interested in this, and started to get up. His mother leaned over and told him that he was not old enough to partake in the Communion.

Later, when the collection plate came by, he ignored it. His mother again leaned over and tried to coax the nickel out of him. He steadfastly refused, stating, "If I can't eat, I'm not paying."

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Occupational Hymns
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The Dentist's Hymn ................ Crown Him With Many Crowns
The Weatherman's Hymn ........ There shall be Showers of Blessings
The Contractor's Hymn ........... The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn .................. Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn ................. There is A Green Hill Far Away
Politician's Hymn ................... Standing on the Promises
The Optometrist's Hymn ......... Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent's Hymn ...........?  I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn ................ Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn ........... Send the Light
The Realtors Hymn ................. I've got a mansion just over the hilltop
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CHURCH FOOTBALL
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Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.

Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.

Half-time - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.

Bench-warmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work or apparently do anything but sit.

Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.

Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.

Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.

Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.

Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime".

Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.

End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.

Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.

Halfback Option - The decision of 50 percent of the congregation not to return for the evening service.

Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.

Kevin Rayner
Rochester MN
http://oaktree.faithsite.com

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