GOD WILL NEVER GET TENURE
WHY GOD WILL NEVER GET TENURE AT ANY UNIVERSITY
1. Only published one book.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. He did not publish it in referenced journals. 5. Some doubt He even wrote it Himself. 6. He is not known for His cooperative work 7. Sure, He created the world, but what has He done lately? 8. He did not get permission from any review board to work with human subjects. 9. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning all the subjects. 10. When sample subjects do not behave as predicted, He deletes the whole sample. 11. He rarely comes to class-just tells His students to read the Book. 12. It is rumored that He sometimes lets His Son teach the class. 13. Although He only has 10 requirements, His students often fail His tests. 14. He expelled His first two students for learning. 15. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.


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As an expert witness in the healthcare profession, I have come across the following quotes from actual medical records dictated by physicians. For you MDs, excuse me!

*By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

*Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

*On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

*The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

*The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

*Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

*Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

*The patient has no past history of suicides.

*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

*Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

*Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.

*The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

*The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

*The patient refused an autopsy.


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Baseball Funnies
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Q. Why did the base runner feel like garbage? A. Because he got thrown out.

Q. Who plays baseball in your living room? A. The home team.

Q. Who turns the lights on and off at the ball park? A. The switch-hitter.

Q. Why did the baseball player practice milking cows? A. Because he heard he was being sent to a farm team.

Q. Why are the longest sports articles about pitchers? A. Because a pitcher's worth a thousand words.

Q. Why are baseballs white?
A. Because they keep getting hit into the bleachers.

Q. Why did the baseball coach buy a big broom? A. Because he wanted to sweep the World Series.

Q. Why do baseball fans wear casual clothing? A. Because ties aren't allowed in baseball.

Q. Why didn't the runner get to second base? A. Because he was single-minded.

Q. How would you feel if you ate home plate? A. Homesick.

Q. How did the baseball player die? A. He choked up on the bat.

Q. Where do baseball players clean their bats? A. In the bat-tub.

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| "A cheerful heart |
| is good medicine" |
| Proverbs 17:22 |
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ooO Ooo

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