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July18, 2006 - Women's Revenge >> |
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GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature, what
in the world is going on down there in the U.S.? What in the world happened to
the dandelions, violets, thistles and the stuff I started eons ago? I had a
perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil,
withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting
blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to
see a vast garden of color by now. All I see are patches of green.
ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord.
They are called the Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and
went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But it is so boring, it's not colorful. It
doesn't attract butterflies, bees or birds, only grubs and sod worms. It's
temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want grass growing
there?
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great
pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing it and
poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD: The spring rains and the warm weather probably
makes the grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites very happy.
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it has
grown a little, they cut it -- sometimes two times a week.
GOD: They cut it? Do they bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up
and put it in bags.
GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell
it?
ST. FRANCIS: No sir, just the opposite. They pay to
throw it away.
GOD: Now let me get this straight: They fertilize it to
make it grow and when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.
GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer
when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth
and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this Lord.
When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to
water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD: What nonsense! At least they kept some of the
trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow
leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in summer. In the autumn they
fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep the moisture in the soil
and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves become compost
to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.
ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. As soon as
the leaves fall, the Suburbanites rake them into great piles and pay to have
them hauled away.
GOD: No way!! What do they do to protect the shrubs and
tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing the leaves away they go out
and buy something called mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place
of the leaves.
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS: They cut down the trees and grind them up
to make mulch.
GOD: Enough!! I don't want to think about this anymore.
Saint Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for
us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a real
stupid movie about...
GOD: Never mind -- I think I just heard the whole story
from Saint Francis!
Kevin
Rochester, MN
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July18, 2006 - Women's Revenge >> |
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