Weekly Wellness News

July 16, 2007

Feature: Intentional Relaxation

I used to be very tense. Sitting in the car, in traffic, would drive me up the wall, and my neck, back, and shoulders would be so tight by the time I got home that it hurt to move. I would be too sore to fall asleep until I was exhausted. Basically, I was bottling in all the tension and didn't know how to let it out.

Many people I know use massage and other body work to undo this stress, but I finally discovered that I could get the same effects, whenever I wanted, easily. Today I would like to share with you what I do when I get tense.

Tension shows up in all realms our existence, the most obvious being emotional and physical. Typically, these two go hand-in-hand. When we feel physically stressed, our emotions follow suit. Likewise, when we are emotionally stressed, our bodies tighten up in response. Spiritually we close down as a result, and our interactions with others become less and less communicative and rich; we lose empathy and connection in our interpersonal relationships.

However, most of the stress we feel is the result of our mental thought process, of our conscious mind and little voice. Some of us actually have experiences that result in stress from non-mental sources (being threatened in a dark alley, for example), but for the most part in modern society, stress results from our though sequences. Therefore, the first place to start in reducing stress is with our thoughts.

The biggest source of stress for most of us is holding on to something and being unable to let go. Maybe it's an ideal. Perhaps it's an object we want that we can't have. It might be a relationship that isn't what we think it should be. Whatever it is, ultimately it boils down to our expectations: we expect something to be one way, it isn't that way, and we invest our ego into trying to make it what we want.

Instead, what I do is let go. I let go of my attachment to the expected experience. What does it mean to let go? It means I first reflect on my thoughts and emotions and ask myself what it is that I'm expecting. What is the experience I want to have? Then I ask myself why it's important to me. Sometimes it is important for my expectations to be realized, but most of the time it is not. Is it really important in this case? Really? Or am I making it seem important when in fact, in the grand scheme of life, it doesn't matter? I finally ask myself what I can do to change things right now. If it is under my control, what can I do differently? If it isn't under my control, no amount of thinking will change things, so all the worry in the world just makes things worse... instead I make the choice to enjoy the moment and find something to distract me from the negative thoughts.

For instance, let's say I am upset because traffic is backed up. What is the experience I want? I want an open road. Why? Because I feel like my time is being wasted when I am sitting in the car instead of working or playing or visiting with friends; I would rather be spending my time in some other way. Is it important that I get where I'm going sooner? It feels important, but I'm not going to die or be hurt or lose friendships over it, so no, it isn't important. And besides, is there anything I can do about it? Is there a single thing I can do that will free up the traffic jam? Obviously not. Even if I drive aggressively, changing lanes any time a spot opens up big enough for my front bumper to crowd into, at most I'll get where I'm going a few seconds earlier. There is effectively nothing I can do.

So why worry? Instead, I turn on the radio and sing along. I make a phone call. I drill myself on items I'm memorizing. I listen to an audio book. I practice a speech. I create a story or joke. I turn my conscious mind off. Anything will work, so long as I am not focused on being late. Remember the why? I felt like I was wasting time. So I'll do something that is not a waste of time. No problem. I relax and get where I'm going peacefully.

Or another example: let's say I'm wearing shorts and a short-sleeve shirt, and as the day grows late I find myself out in a chilly evening. What is the experience I want? I want to feel warm. Why do I want it? Because I don't like shivering. Is it important that I don't shiver? Well, it's important that I don't get sick. However, I've found that in general being cold once in a while doesn't make me sick. The only importance is my own comfort. Is there anything I can do about it? Well, I can't make the air warmer (though I can step inside somewhere if it becomes too much of a problem); basically, there's nothing I can do about the environment.

So why worry? Instead of focusing on the cold, I focus on anything else. In fact, I can focus on relaxing the individual muscles that are starting to tense up. That's exactly what I do. I focus on the relaxation, and that both takes my mind off the cold temperature and soothes the muscles. When I finally get a jacket or step inside, I am already comfortable. Where most people would be stressed, I'm calm and relaxed.

In every case, the answer involves finding the why. Why am I stressed? Why am I upset? Once I understand why, I can address the real issue. It's not the traffic, it's feeling unproductive. It's not the cold, it's wanting to not shiver. Once I address the internal why, the stimulus doesn't matter any more.

Yes, it takes effort to relax in a stressful situation. It takes practice. Over time, however, the process becomes easier and more natural; pretty soon you'll find you think less and less about it.

In a way, this is a form of meditation or of yoga. I focus on my breathing, my energy, my body; I let go of the stress by letting go of the attachment I have to an expected outcome. By looking in, I find the issue that's bothering me, and I release it. And I relax as a result.

Other news

• Sounds like they need a trip to the gym... Kids are still obese, despite nutrition education [www.msnbc.msn.com]
• ... then a quick stop at the pharmacist... Bullied kids likely to take more meds than peers [www.msnbc.msn.com]
• ... and finish up with an afternoon at the spa... Spa treatments for kids raise waxed eyebrows [www.msnbc.msn.com]

From the editor

This week I am off the grid: no email, no telephone, no IM. In fact, I'm so far off the grid that I don't even have batteries or matches. If you send feedback, realize I won't be able to respond for a few weeks. I'll be back in August. If you send me any feedback, please be patient while I'm away.

Healthy thoughts,
Jeff

Copyright 2007, Jeffrey Eliasen.
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