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Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

MONDAY JULY 17,2006


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: My doctor told me there are over seven million people who are overweight.These, of course, are only round figures

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each
other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on
his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females
as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could.
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This old man goes to the doctor's.

"Help, Doc. I just got married to this 21 year old woman. She is hot and all she wants to do is have sex all day long."

"So what's the problem?"

"I can't remember where I live."
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It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, “What are you up to?” Alice smiles, “I'm going hunting with you!” Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along.

They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.” Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer.

But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, “Get away from my deer!” Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire.

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, “Okay, lady, okay!You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!”
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Mommy and Daddy Dearest

There are some children in a class naming animals and they come across a picture of a deer.

So the teacher asks Bobby, “What is this animal called?”

“I dunno,” claims Bobby.

So then she says, “I'll give you a hint—it's what your mother calls your father.”

The boy thinks for a minute and then says, “Oh that's what a son of a bitch looks like!”
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A married, couple in their early 60s, were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband," said the wife.

The fairy moved her magic wand and suddenly two tickets for a deluxe cruise on a luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well,
this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to
have a wife thirty years younger than me."

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed but a wish is a wish. So, once again, the fairy moved her magic wand and the husband became 92-years-old.

Moral -- Men might be ungrateful idiots but fairies are women!
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A couple was celebrating their Golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. 

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon, " explained the husband. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled.

My wife quietly said 'That's once.'

We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule.

I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me
and quietly said, "That's once."
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A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. 

The father being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand. 

"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?" 

"Sure," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get lonely in the night." 

"How about transportation?" the father asked. 

"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered. 

The boy had an answer to every question the father raised. 

Finally, in exasperation, the man asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know." 

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"
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You might be in a country church if . . .

There is a special fund-raiser for a new septic tank.

Finding and returning lost sheep is not just a parable. 

You miss worship one Sunday morning and by 2 o’clock that afternoon you have had a dozen calls inquiring
about your health. 

People wonder when Jesus fed 5000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish. 

The final words of the benediction are, "Y’all come on back now, ya hear?" 
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A brusque, pompous lady charged into President Lincoln's office one day.
"Mr. President," she said, "I demand that my son be given a commission
as a major, at least. I ask this not as a favor but as a right because my grandfather fought at Lexington, my father fought at New Orleans and my husband was killed at Monterey."

"Dear Madam," the President remarked smoothingly, "It seems to be that
your family has done enough for this nation. It is now time to give
somebody else a chance."
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--- When I was a coach for Little League Baseball, I used about the same opening speech every year: "We have to use sportsmanship at all times. There will be no yelling at the umpires or other players and no being poor losers. Do y'all understand ?"

At that point the kids would generally nod, then I'd add, "Good! Now please
go home and explain all that to your parents."
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I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
- -Rodney Dangerfield
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The quickest way to get any kid's attention is to sit down and look comfortable. <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Wisdom From Grandpa

Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries. 

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt
that he forgets his sugar. 

Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good. 

When a man marries a woman, they become one, but the trouble starts
when they try to decide which one. 

If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a thoroughbred,
she will never be an old nag.
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I climbed up the door and
I opened the stairs.
I said my pajamas
and buttoned my prayers.

I turned off the covers
and pulled up the light.
I'm all scrambled up since
she kissed me last night.
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OFF THE WALL WEIRD STORIES THAT ARE HARD TO BELIEVE BUT
FALL INTO THE CATEGORY OF "TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION"

From Kentucky:Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. 
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Police caught a Chino Hills man who allegedly stole a cell phone from a Radio Shack electronics store because he filled out a credit application with his name and address before running out of the store. 

The cell phone was stolen from the store Friday afternoon. 

When a police officer arrived, he found that 19-year-old Brandon Naradovy had filled out a credit application. 

The thief made it even easier with a photo to match. Before he left the store, he also took pictures of himself with the cell phone, which doubles as a camera. 

An employee was able to identify the suspect by comparing the photo on the store's computer system to the man's DMV photo. 

Naradovy was arrested without incident at his home Saturday and was later booked into West Valley Detention Center in Rancho Cucamonga on suspicion of burglary. 
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Three janitors at an elementary school in Ceres, California, tried to freeze a gopher to death by spraying it with a solvent that freezes gum and wax so it can be peeled or chipped away. Jeff Davis, 35, said he and his colleagues had sprayed several cans of the gum remover on the gopher inside a small, poorly ventilated utility room with the doors closed when one of them tried to light a cigarette. Sparks from the lighter ignited the solvent, causing an explosion that blew the janitors out of the utility room, sending them and 16 pupils to the hospital. The gopher survived and was later released in a field. Ceres Unified School District Superintendent Bruce Newlin commented that the men "used extraordinarily poor judgment."  (An Under statement if there ever was one...)
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In New Jersey a gas station attendant, Miconelinando Rodriguez, tried to rob his own store. He got away, but was caught by police 15 minutes later. The problem was that he was still wearing his work shirt with his name on it, which was easily recognizable. 
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The Ole Fritzbear Fred

Try to laugh each day, it will make you feel better!
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