Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell
his
mother what he wanted.

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Bobby was a bit of a
troublemaker.
He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's mother asked
him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little
Bobby said....,of course, he thought he did.

Bobby's mother, wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last
year. "Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this
year.

Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your
birthday." Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down
to write God a letter.

Letter 1
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this
year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2
Dear God,
This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would
like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you.
Your friend Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and
started again.

Letter 3
Dear God,
I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would really like a bike for
my birthday.
Bobby

Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote
a fourth letter.

Letter 4
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be
a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!
Thank you,
Bobby

Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a
bike.

Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he
wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as
Bobby looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," Bobby's
mother told him.


Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby
went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if
anyone
was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He
slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the
street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his
room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write
his
letter to  God.

Letter 5
God,
I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN,
SEND THE BIKE!

<> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <>

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning.

The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we
don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”

The husband said, “You are in charge of the cooking around here so you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee.”Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides it says in the
Bible that the man should do the coffee.”

Husband replies, “I can’t believe that! Show me.”

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him
at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, “HEBREWS.”

<> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <>

Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gates,
Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances
in education on earth.

In order to gain admittance, a prospective Heavenly Soul must answer
three questions:

1. What are two days of the week that begin with “T”?
2. How many seconds are in a year?
3. What is God’s first name?

Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered:

1. The two days of the week that begin with “T” are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
3. God has two first  names, and they are Andy and Howard.

Saint Peter said, “Ok, I’ll buy Today and Tomorrow, even though it’s
not the answer I expected. Technically, your answer is correct. But how
did you get 12 seconds in a year and why do you think God’s first name
is either Andy or Howard?” Forrest responded, “Well, January 2nd,
February 2nd, March 2nd, and so on.”

“Ok then, I give,” said Saint Peter. “But what about God’s first name?”

Forrest said, “Well, from the song...Andy walks with me, Andy talks
with me, Andy tells me I am his own...And then from the prayer...Our
Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy  name...”

Saint Peter let him in without another word.

<> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <>

“Doctor, can you help me? Every time I sit down I see visions of Mickey
Mouse and Pluto, and then when stand up I see Donald Duck!”

“I see. Tell me, how long have you been suffering these DISNEY spells?”

<> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <>

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and
reincarnation. They vowed that if either of them died, the one
remaining would try to contact the partner in the world beyond exactly
30 days after their death.

Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck.
True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit
world exactly 30 days later.

At the s?ance, she called out, “John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear
me?”A ghostly voice answered her, “Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear
you.”

Martha tearfully asked, “Oh John, what is it like where you are?”

“It’s beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of
the time.”

“What do you do all day?” asked Martha.

“Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and
there’s nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until
two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at
it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m.”

Martha was somewhat taken aback. “Is that what heaven really is like?”

“Heaven? I’m not in heaven, Martha.”

“Well, then, where are you?”

“I’m a rabbit in Arizona.”

<> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <>

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by a traffic
cop. “What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?” asks
the officer.

“I’m a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act.”

“Oh yeah?” says the doubtful cop. “Lets see you do it.”

The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches
masterfully. A couple driving by slows down to watch.

“Wow,” says the driver to his wife. “I’m glad I quit drinking. Look at
the test they’re giving now!”

<> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <>

A man driving in southern Indiana saw a sign that read,
  ”LAST CHANCE FOR $2.75 GAS.”

  As he was getting his change from the attendant, he asked,
 
”How much is gas in Kentucky?”

  ”Two fifty.”

<> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <>

’NO EXCUSE SUNDAY’

  To make it possible for everyone to attend church on Sunday, we are
proposing to have a special ‘No Excuse Sunday.’

  1. Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say,’Sunday is my
only day to sleep in.’

  2. They will have steel helmets for those who say, ‘The roof will cave
in if I ever came to church.’

  3. Blankets will be furnished for those who say it is too cold and
fans for those who say it is too hot.

  4.There will be hearing aids for those who say, ‘The paster speaks 
too softly,’ and cotton for those who say, ‘He preaches too loudly.’

  5 Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the
hypocrites present.

  6. Some relatives will be in attendance for those who like to go
visiting on Sunday.
\
  7. There will be TV dinners for those who can’t go to church and
dinner too.

  8. Golf clubs will be available for practice swings for those wholike
to golf on Sunday.

<> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <>

A woman sees a lawyer about a divorce.

He asks, Any grounds?

Woman: yeah, about 2 acres.

Lawyer: Do you have a grudge ?

Woman: No, we have a car port.

Lawyer: Does your husband beat you up in the morning ?

Woman: No,I get up before him.

Agitated lawyer: Well, do you or don't you want a divorce ?

Woman: No, my husband wants it...he says he can't communicate with me !

<> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <>

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a
well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he
demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a United
States Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

<> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <>

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a
donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge
of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000,
you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the
community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your
research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and
has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um. . . no."

" - or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a
wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an
apology but was interrupted, "

" - or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the
lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three
children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had
no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "So if I don't give any
money to them, why should I give any to you?!?"

<> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><> <>

Medieval Pickup Lines:

*Hey, Princess, you wouldn`t happen to know where a lonely knight could
scabbard his sword, would you?

*Been there, slain that.

*Your hovel or mine?

*Pestilence makes the heart go wander.

*I like the cut of your jib.

*You won`t believe this but St. George just appeared to me in a vision
and told me that I must bed you...the fate of England depends is on
it!!

*C`mon, sweetie...Didn`t your mother ever tell you? A cleric a day
keeps the black plague away.

*A day just wouldn`t be complete without a Knight.

*Milady, it`s not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic
within.

<> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <>

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one.

The bartender gives it to him and says "that'll be $25."

A minute later making conversation the bartender says "We don't get
many gorillas round these parts"

The gorilla replies "I'm not surprised at those prices.."

<> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <>

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested
that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy,"
he said, "I'll do the next one."

The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked
puzzled,

"Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"

<> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <>

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th Grade class.
It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the
chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the
class.

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Michael?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for two
days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten
to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.

Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She
quickly turns and asks,

"What's so funny Tommy?"

"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is
more severe, "I don't want to see you for two weeks."

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around
again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of
laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see little
Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school year is over."

<> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <>

A preacher and an attorney arrived at the Pearly Gates at the same
time, and St. Peter showed them to their quarters.

The preacher was taken to a small room with nothing but a chair, a
table, and a Bible.

The lawyer was then led to a massive suite filled with women, wine, and
a huge waterbed.

"Excuse me," said the lawyer to St. Peter. "I'm not complaining, but
shouldn't the preacher have this room?"

St. Peter shook his head. "We have thousands of preachers in heaven,
but you're our first lawyer."

<> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <>

The marriage between the elderly farmer and his young wife was not
working out too well, so the farmer consulted his doctor for advice.

“The next time you’re down in the field plowing and feel a yearning for
your wife.” said the doctor, “don’t wait until lunch time or the end of
the day, but quit what you’re doing and go to the house.” “I tried
that,” said the farmer, “but by the time I get to the house, I am so
tuckered out, it’s no use.”

The doctor thought for a minute, “Take your shotgun with you when you
leave the house in the morning and if you feel the urge, shoot the gun
and she will come down there where you are.”

A few weeks later the two men met on the street.

“How did it work out?” asked the doctor.

“Fine, the first three days,” said the farmer, “then the hunting season
opened and I haven’t seen her since.”
<> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <>
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking
her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me
tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she
said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The
big sissy."

<> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <>

A couple were throwing a dinner party for all the major bigwigs in
town. The wife was very excited about the party and wanted everything
to be just perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she
didn't have any escargot, so she asked her husband to run down to the
beach with a bucket and gather some snails.

Grudgingly, he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down
the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting snails, he
noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little
further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be
great if she would just come down the beach and talk to me."

He went back to gathering the snails for the dinner party. All of a
sudden he looked up and the beautiful woman was standing over him. They
got to talking and she invited him back to her place for a drink. Well
one thing led to another, and the man ended up spending the night at
her place. At 7 AM the next morning he woke up and shouted, "Oh no! My
wife's dinner party!"

Quickly he gathered up all of his clothes, grabbed his bucket of
snails, ran out the door and down the beach. He ran up the stairs to
his beach house. He was in such a hurry when he got to the top of the
stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails, strewing snails all the way
down the stairs. Just then the door opened, and a very angry wife was
standing over him demanding to know where he had been all this time.

He looked at the snails on the steps, then looked at his wife, then
back at the snails and cried, "Come on guys, we're almost there!"

<> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <>

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman, and a Bulldog are in a doggie
bar having a cold one when a good-looking female Collie comes up to
them and says, 'Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have
me.'

So the Doberman says, 'I love liver and cheese.' The Collie says,
'That's not good enough.' The Bulldog says, 'I hate liver and cheese.'
The Collie says 'That's not creative enough.'

Finally, the Chihuahua says, 'Liver alone......cheese mine.'

<> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <>

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly
furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a
gorgeous blonde.

As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled,
slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"

Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife
when he choked, "I... I... didn't pinch that girl."

"Of course you didn't," said his wife, consolingly. "I did."

<> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <> <><><> <>
The Ole Fritzbear!!!!


The snow was coming down steadily and had been for several hours. My
partner had been plowing for a couple of hours already, and I had just
changed places with him and started to clear a new lot. I always plow
the access points to the lot last to keep people out of my way, so here
I am just getting started on this lot, which just happens to be a car
wash, and this car stops in the middle of the street and starts honking
and flashing his lights.

My partner gets out thinking that the guy is having car trouble, so he
goes to help while I continue plowing. He comes back and says," you're
not gonna believe it, he wants to wash his car." I said, "Does he
realize it's 28 degrees?" My partner replies, "Yes, he knows but he just
has to try it." Well, I clear him a path to the nearest wash bay and
continue to clear the lot, which takes roughly 45 minutes.

Meanwhile, after washing his car, the guy goes into the managers office
to talk over a cup of coffee. I leave the lot and go down the street to
another customer.

About 30 minutes later, I drive by the wash and notice the same car is
still there with its owner prying on his now frozen doors. By the way
this is a Taurus with plastic door handles. I pick up my cell phone and
beep the wash manager. He calls me back, and I tell him what is going
on. Just as he steps outside, still talking to me on the phone, the guy
breaks the door handle and goes flying into a snow drift loosing his hat
and glasses. After crawling around in the snow, he finds his hat, full
of snow, and moments later his glasses. Now the manager is on the scene.
He uses the hot pressure washer to steam open the passenger side door
and let the guy in. Now he starts the car to help melt the ice, and
again goes inside for coffee.

I am now plowing the lot directly across the street, and I have been
watching the whole thing from a distance. My phone rings again and guess
what? He let it run out of gas. The manager takes a gas can up the
street, brings back a couple of gallons of gas and puts it in the car
himself , we don't want to take any chances now, we just want this guy
to get home before he does some real damage. The guy starts his car
again, leaves the wash and drives away.

Does the story end here............ NO!!!!!

He stops at the nearest gas station, fills the car and drives away with
the nozzle still in the tank tearing the pump from its base. Talk about
your bad days!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"

The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic; after he gets this he won't know a thing."

"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man, "he don't know nothing now."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The headwaiter of an elegant restaurant recoiled in disgust as a man in boots, torn jeans and a leather jacket approached him. "Hey, man," he said, "where's the bathroom?"

"Go down the hall and turn left," replied the headwaiter, "When you see the sign marked 'Gentlemen,' pay no attention to it and go right inside."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Democratic party bigwig left his New York office to spy on the big Republican rally being held in Times Square. While he was there, a mugger put a gun to his head, forced him into an alley, and proceeded to rough him up while robbing him of everything he owned.

His clothes rumpled and brow covered with sweat he stumbled into Democratic headquarters, where his aides stared at him with shock.

"What happened?" asked his secretary as she handed him a glass of water. After he told them his frightening tale, the secretary asked, "Weren't there cops around?"

"Of course there were," he replied.

"Then why didn't you scream?"

"What?" he shot back. "And have the Republicans think I was cheering for them?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Catholic Church's air conditioning broke down, so they had to hire a
man to crawl around in the ducts and figure out what was wrong. As the
man peeked down through one of the vents in the sanctuary, he saw little
old Mrs. Murphy kneeling by the altar, apparently saying her rosary.
Since the man was a fundamental Baptist, he thought it'd be funny to try
and mess with the lady's mind. In his best authoritative voice, he said,
"This is Jesus. Your prayers will be answered."
The little old lady didn't even blink, just kept on saying her
prayers. The man decided maybe she didn't hear him, and tried again.
"This is Jesus, the Son of God! Your prayers will be answered!" Again,
she didn't react at all. Mustering up a big breath of air, the man
decided to try again. "THIS IS JESUS CHRIST, THE SON OF GOD! YOUR
PRAYERS WILL BE ANSWERED!" The lady looks up and says, "SHUT UP! I'M
TALKINGTO YOUR MOTHER!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rosey wanted her husband to stop smoking so she sent him to the doctor.
The doctor gave him a box of these patches and said to use one a day. He
said ok, and took them home. Rosey asked him what the doctor said and
he showed her the patches and told her that the doctor said to use one a
patch day. Rosey commenced to sew one patch on each shirt he had. The
both of them are still trying to figure out how that's going to help him
quit smoking.