A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his
doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an
advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. He's skeptical, but
says to himself, "Let's see what they can do." He calls them on the
phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program.

The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers,
there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed
in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She
introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The
sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second
thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing,
he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through
he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, "I
like the way this company does business." For the next two days, the
same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth
day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he lost 10 pounds.

Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to
mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and
subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He thinks that
losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued
by what their workout schedule might be like this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he
answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a
pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply
stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces
herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads,
"If you can catch me, you can have me." He's out the door like a shot.
This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But
when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the
best he has ever had. For the next four days, the same girl shows up
and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth
day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20
pounds.

I love this company, he thinks to himself, "I never knew losing weight
could be so easy and so much fun." Feeling much better about himself,
he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7 day, 50
pound weight loss program. "Are you sure, sir?" Asks the representative
on the phone. "This is our most vigorous program." "Absolutely," he
replies, "I love your program. Haven't felt this good in years!"

The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically
answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a
man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He
introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. The
sign reads, "If I can catch you, I can have you."
<><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>  
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several
years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along
with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach
trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it
was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and
they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you
ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the
bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.
<><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>  
A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, and the man was
always after his wife to quit smoking.

One afternoon, she lit up after some lovemaking, and he said, "You
really ought to quit."

She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good
cigarette after sex."

He replied, "But they stunt your growth."

She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had.

Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your
excuse?"
<><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><><><><>   <><><>  
Dave works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling
and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too
hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no,"
says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and
brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly
uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I
recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a
bud at the end of the first nine, honey.

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave,
starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi ! Davey. Want your
usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse
and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a
cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries
desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for
someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at
him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the
book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch
this time."
<><><>   <><><><><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>  
A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, He
says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor?
What's wrong???"

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is
a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"

The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er... features...
of a male and a female."

The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis...
AND a brain?"
<><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>  
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about
the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third
remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,

"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came
to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She
said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."
<><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><><><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>  
A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and
immediately she suggests that they do "69". "What the hell is that?"
asks the guy. Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain,"I put
my head between your legs and you put your head between mine." Still
not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the
moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she
lets go a RIP-ROARING fart. "What was that for?" he asks. "Oooopppps!
Sorry, lets try it again" she says. So, they get into position again,
and once more she lets one loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his
coat on. "Wait, where are you going?" she asks. The guy says, "If you
think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy !!!"
  <><><><><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>  
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station,
was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of
schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he
undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into
bed.
Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you
go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some
aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room,
he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the
druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick,
right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.

"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?"
   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><><><><>  
A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older
three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son
had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.

The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he
turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest
with me - is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your
son."

With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God
he didn't ask about the other three."
 ><><>   <><><>   <><><><><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>  
This couple has been dating for about four months, but the guy had been
afraid of making any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.

Finally, he gets up his courage and takes her to a secluded spot in his
car. While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand
onto his penis.

"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."
   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>
A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi
at the airport after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the
cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having
an affair, and expected to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby
agreed to be a witness.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband flipped on the lights, pulled the blanket back and
there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted "Don't
do it! This man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the
Corvette I said I bought for you? He did! Who do you think paid for our
new cabin cruiser? He did! Who do you think pays our monthly country
club dues you believe I budget for?. . . He does!"

The husband, looked over at the cab driver and asked, "What would you
do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a
cold."
   ><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><><><><>   <><><>   <><><>  
During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to
disrobe and climb onto the examining table.

"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."

"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You
undress and tell me when you're through."

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've
undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"

"Put them on the chair, on top of mine."
   ><><><><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>  
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for
supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all
the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><><><><>  
An old man went into confession and told the priest: "Father, I'm 81
years old, married, with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night
i had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Twice."

"I see," said the priest. "When was the last time you were in
confession?"

"Never, Father", replied the old man, "I'm Jewish".

"So why are you telling ME all that?!" asked the priest.

"Well," answered the man, "I'm telling everybody!
 ><><>   <><><>   <><><><><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>  
Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year
Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And
every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs
ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71
years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get
another chance." Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten
dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll
take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride
and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's
ten dollars."

Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists
and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his
tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I
could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Fred replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out of
the plane, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the
bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he
falls. As he gets up, a seven year old kid, sitting nearby, turns to
him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your
stick, it wouldn't slip."

The old man snaps back: "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven
years ago, I would have a seat today."
 ><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><><><><>   <><><>   <><><>  
I was happy.
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided
to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my
girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one
thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini
skirts and low cut blouses.
She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant
view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when
she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me
that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me
that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told
me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married
and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go
ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them
down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went
straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the
house. I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he
hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little
test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the
family".

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.
   ><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><><><><>   <><><>   <><><>  
A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines
him, he says, "that tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot
of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The man grabs the doc's arm, "no way. I hate needles I'm not having any
shot!"

So the dentist says, "okay, we'll have to go with the gas."

The man replies, "absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of
days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "here,"
he says. "Take this pill."

The man asks "What is it?"

The doc replies, "Viagra."

The man looks surprised, "will that kill the pain?" he asks.

"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on
to while I pull your tooth."
 ><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><><><><>   <><><>   <><><>  
n a nursing home, one of the old women was running up and down the
hall, flipping her nightgown up and down and yelling "Supersex!
Supersex!"

An old man was sitting in a wheelchair outside his room. The woman ran
up to him, pulled her nightie up: "Supersex! Supersex!"

He looked at her for a moment contemplating and then said, "I think
I'll have the soup."
 ><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><><><><>   <><><>   <><><>  
One day a man came home from work earlier than usual and caught his
wife in bed with his best friend.
Enraged, the husband grabbed a gun and shot his friend to death.
His wife said, "Ya' know, if you go on like this, you're going to lose
ALL your friends.
 ><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><><><><>   <><><>   <><><>  
The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the Condo of their
dreams, but right next door to a very sexy fashion model. The husband
had taken to borrowing this or that from their neighbor and it seemed
to the wife that it always took him way too long to return.

One time the wife had had enough and actually pounded on the wall
between the two apartments. There being no response she telephoned,
only to get the answering machine. Finally she went to the model's
door and just kept ringing the bell.

When the model answered, the wife fumed,"I would like to know why it
is my husband takes so damn long to get something over here."

"Well sweetie," the model purred, "all these interruptions sure ain't
helping none either."
 ><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><><><><>   <><><>   <><><>  
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing
an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and
is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up
to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies
sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods
him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck!"
 ><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><><><><>   <><><>   <><><>  
A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the
hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside.

His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."

Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.

Later, her husband woke up and said, "You're cute."

Startled, she asked him, "What happened to 'beautiful?'"

"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.
   ><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><>   <><><><><><>   <><><>   <><><>   
  Fred- The Ole Fritzbear

The young voice on the phone inquired if we received home delivery of the local newspaper. No, I replied, my husband prefers the walk to the store each day to purchase it. The young man eagerly launched into his sales pitch, pointing out the convenience and savings in subscribing to home delivery. I thanked him and again related how my husband enjoyed the little walk each day.

There was a pause and then in a helpful voice, he asked, "Well, could we arrange for delivery on the next block."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When my younger brother decided to do a project on the harmful effects of alcohol for the science fair at his elementary school, my mother, who has never had a sip of booze in her life, nervously went to a local liquor store to purchase the needed supplies. "Give me the cheapest, hardest vodka you have," she said to the counter clerk.

"Is this for you, ma'am?" asked the employee. "If so, I might recommend something that's only a little more expensive but much smoother."

"No, that's okay," my mother stammered without thinking. "It's for my ten-year-old son
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For quite some time, the old stove sitting on the hilltop along the barren prairie with its oven door wide open had a sign that read open range. But then one day I noticed that someone had been even more creative. The old stove had a tiny house built on top of it, now making it home on the range.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My daughter, Amy, played the violin, and my son, Dave, the cello. One day I overheard Dave complaining that the family cat always left the room when he started tuning up. "That's nothing," said Amy. "He leaves the room when I take out my bow." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A rabbi and his two friends, a priest and a minister, played poker for small stakes once a week. The only problem was that they lived in a very conservative blue-law town. The sheriff raided their game and took all three before the local judge.

After listening to the sheriff's story, the judge sternly inquired of the priest: "Were you gambling, Father?" The priest looked toward heaven, whispered, "Oh, Lord, forgive me!" and then said aloud: "No, your honor, I was not gambling."

"Were you gambling, Reverend?" the judge asked the minister. The minister repeated the priest's actions and said, "No, your honor, I was not."

Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked: "Were you gambling, Rabbi?"

The rabbi eyed him coolly and replied "With whom?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For her upcoming prom, my daughter went to have her hair done at a trendy new salon. As she approached the door, she was greeted by a sign: "Some of the World's Most Beautiful Faces Have Walked Through This Door." Unsuccessful in opening the door, she then noticed another small sign posted on it: "Please Use Other Door." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When a Vermont trooper retired, his colleagues presented him with a beautiful handmade sweater with the message "Pull Over" knitted across the front.
~
A young lady goes to the perfume counter and asks for an audacious scent. The salesgirl tests a new one on her and says, "This is one perfume you don't use if you're only bluffing!"
~
Your children will shout in the streets what they hear whispered at home.
~
An economist is a man who gets invited to speak at banquets where he tells everybody there's no such thing as a free lunch.
~
People don't like to suffer in silence because that would take all the fun out of it

**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

 How many people are given green cards each year in the United States?

According to the Department of State, "the Congressionally mandated Diversity Immigrant Visa Program makes available a maximum of 55,000 permanent residence visas each year to eligible persons." However, the program's mission is to award visas to "persons from countries with low rates of immigration to the United States." It's responsible for only a fraction of the total number of green cards awarded.

In 2005, a total of 1,122,373 persons were awarded lawful permanent residence. That's up sharply from 2004, when 957,883 became LPRs. The majority (around 66%) "lived in the United States when they became LPRs." In terms of a country breakdown, Mexico accounted for 14% of the new citizens, while India made up 8%, and China was responsible for 6%.

Each year the State Department undertakes the momentous task of deciding which of the many applications will be approved. For those hopeful of gaining citizenship, the process can be confusing. Those who apply should be aware of fraudulent web sites. Many look quite convincing. While researching this question, we were nearly duped ourselves.



****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
A recession is when you have to tighten your belt.
A depression is when you have no belt!

LAST CALL Y'ALL


HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
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