Although all four of us had ordered the same dinner while dining out one evening, Vanessa felt her steak was undercooked. She complained to our waiter, who promptly removed her plate and disappeared. Five minutes later he returned, and to our surprise, he placed the same steak in front of her. "After tasting your steak," he advised, "the cook and I both agree that there's absolutely nothing wrong with it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two young Martians were travelling past Earth one day when they noticed two kids rollerblading at breakneck speed along the footpath.

"How on Earth do they do that?" said one of the Martians?

The two young Martians were so impressed that they swooped down straight away, knocked out the 2 Californians and made off with their rollerblades.

Their mother was angry with them when they got back to Mars.

"You're late for your dinner again and ... where on Earth did you get those?!?!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We had a couple over to dinner the other night and the woman was complaining about her male boss. Mrs. James, trying to console her, said simply, "When it comes to women, all men become idiots, when they're the boss."

I piped up and said, "Hey, now wait just minute there, I was a boss."

Tilting her head in my direction, Mrs. James said to the lady, "See???"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Employee: I have been here 11 years doing three men's work for one man's pay. Now I want a raise.

Boss: Well, I can't give you a raise, but if you'll tell me who the other two men are, I'll fire them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When my mother-in-law ordered a cake for my wedding anniversary, she made a point of instructing the bakery, "That's Thompson with a 'p'." Later when she went to pick her order up, she noticed that on the box they had written "Mrs. Phompson."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the middle of winter, on just his second day in the states, the new immigrant in Wyoming, wisely decided to invest in a winter jacket. He went into a store and chose a thick, warm coat from the rack. The clerk spoke and gestured, but the newcomer understood only that he was in an argument and that he was not welcome in the store. After a few minutes, he left. He later purchased a coat at another store down the street. He also made up his mind to remember the first store that wouldn't serve him.

Several months later, understanding much more English, he walked by the first store. As he passed, realization dawned. He now understood the sign: DRY CLEANERS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was the first camping experience for Jed. As soon as he had pitched his tent, he went for a hike in the woods. In about fifteen minutes he rushed back into camp, bleeding and disheveled.

"What happened?" asked a fellow camper.

"I was chased by a black snake!" cried the frightened Jed.

The camper laughed and retorted, "A black snake isn't deadly."

"Listen," groaned Jed, "If he can make you jump off a fifty-foot cliff, he is!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was once a Chinese emperor who had very refined tastebuds, and would eat only the finest of foods. He employed many people whose jobs involved just traveling the length and breadth of the land to find food of the highest quality for their emperor.

It was unfortunate for them, however, that the emperor had peculiar cravings. One day the emperor called in his staff and said, "Well, today I want to eat a one hundred year old egg. This egg must be exactly one hundred years old."

Well imagine the commotion in the palace! His staff jumped on their horses and traveled all over, trying to find an egg which was exactly one hundred years old. They looked and looked, and finally returned to the palace and approached the emperor. "Well", said the emperor, "did you find my egg?"

One of his servants stepped forward and addressed his majesty. "No sir", he said, "we did not find an egg that was exactly one hundred years old. But we do have one here which is about fifty years old."

The emperor replied, "No Way! You know I hate fast food!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"It's now illegal to feed the homeless in Orlando, Florida.  
Have you seen the fat people walking around Disneyworld?  
We should make illegal to feed them." --Jay Leno  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is  
the belief that one's work is terribly important."  
  --Bertrand Russell 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lincoln studied by the light of a fireplace. Mozart composed  
by candlelight. Galileo invented by oil lamp. Didn't they ever  
think to do their work during the daytime?  --Jersey Tomato  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My mother was away all weekend at a business conference.  
During a break, she decided to call home collect.  

My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a  
stranger's voice say, "We have a Marcia on the line. Will  
you accept the charges?"  

Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside  
screaming, "Dad! They've got Mom! And they want money!"  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I did my nurse's training at a hospital in Liverpool, England.  
My fellow students and I had little money for meals, so we  
ate the awful food provided at the hospital complex. We often  
took our breaks in the kitchen, and sometimes kindly visitors  
would give us some of the treats they had brought for patients.  

One night a woman brought a pork pie to the kitchen and said  
to me, "Would you eat this up, love?"  

Delighted at the offer, another student and I devoured every  
crumb. Soon our benefactor returned, however, and asked, "Is  
me 'usband's pie 'ot yet, dearie?"  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Chicago style Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has
screwed him out of ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was
considered an occupational benefit and why he got the job in the first
place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to
hear anything if he d ever have to testify in court. When the Godfather
goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he
brings along his attorney who knows sign language. The Godfather asks
the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10
million dollars is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know
what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says
he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when the Godfather
pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it,
and says: "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the
underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The
bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in
Queens!" The Godfather asks the
attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you
don't have the guts to pull the trigger

It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.
~
Something has to be wrong, we spend sixty million a year on medical research and two billion on get-well cards!
~
After a hard day at work, a circular saw and a belt sander go to their favorite bar. As they're relaxing, some other power tools join them. The saw turns to the sander and says, "You know the drill, don't you?"
~
QUESTION: Did you hear about the new Japanese camera?

ANSWER: It's so fast it can catch a woman with her mouth closed
~
In Hawaii, on a hotel door you can find a placard that asks, "Have you left anything?" It should ask if you have anything left!
~
A priest and a rabbi were making plans for a lunch to be shared by members of both religious groups. The priest said, "We'll serve some nice ham sandwiches."
The rabbi said, "Good. And we'll hold it on a Friday!"
~
Pupil: Please Sir! Did you hear that scientists have found life on another planet?

Teacher: What are you talking about?

Pupil: They found fleas on Pluto!

"August"

-1-

Leon Chappelear, singer/bandleader, born Tyler, TX 1909.

The Carter Families first recording session was held in Bristol, TN, 1927, for Ralph Peer and Victor Records.

Ramblin' Jack Elliott born New York City 1931.

The American Federation of Musicians "AFM," called a nation wide strike against record labels, 1942.

Charlie & Ira Louvin recorded "My Baby's Gone" 1958.

Johnny Cash left SUN Records, and signed with Columbia in Nashville, 1958.

Buck Owens' released "Excuse Me (I Think I've Got A Heartache)/I've Got A Right To Know" 1960. The record peaked at No. 2 on the charts.

Roy Orbison recorded " Pretty Woman" 1964,

Johnny Burnette, age 29, died in a boating accident in California 1964.

Merle Haggard recorded his first #1 record "The Fugitive," 1966.

George Ducas, singer/songwriter, born Texas City, TX 1966.

Howdy Forrester, age 65, Country fiddle virtuoso, Smokey Mountain Boys, died 1987.

Brooks & Dunn's "Boot Scoot Boogie" was #1 on the charts 1992.

RCA released "The Essential Floyd Cramer" 1995.

Pam Tillis' "Greatest Hits" album certified platinum 2001.

Gary Allan's CD "Alright Guy" certified gold 2002.

 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

  Mark Chesnutt to Release New Album Sept. 5  

Mark Chesnutt will release his new album, Heard It in a  
Love Song, on CBuJ Entertainment on Sept. 5. It includes  
original material as well as several country remakes,  
including Waylon Jennings' "Dreaming My Dreams With You"  
and George Jones' "A Day in the Life of a Fool." The title  
track, originally a hit for the Marshall Tucker Band, will  
be released to country radio on Aug. 14. A radio mainstay  
in the 1990s, Chesnutt's No. 1 hits include "Brother  
Jukebox" and "I'll Think of Something."   

  Old Crow Medicine Show EP Arrives Prior to New Album  

The band Old Crow Medicine Show released a three-song EP,  
titled Down Home Girl, on Tuesday (July 25), five weeks in  
advance of their new full-length album, Big Iron World, on  
Nettwerk Records. The EP includes the title track, as well  
as "James River Blues" and "Fall on My Knees." The youthful  
old-time string band's debut album for the label, 2004's  
O.C.M.S., sold more than 100,000 copies. They have several  
West Coast dates scheduled in September, followed by  
several Southeast concerts in October.  

July 30, 2006: The Dixie Chicks will be the subject of a documentary, "Dixie Chicks - Shut Up And Sing," that follows their life in the wake of The Incident. Barbara Koppel ("Harlan County USA" and "American Dream") and Cecilia Peck directed the film, which receives its world premiere as a Gala Presentation at the 31st Toronto International Film Festival in September. The film offers a view of the roller coaster of the Chicks following lead singer Natalie Maines' comments at a 2003 London concert against President Bush: "Just so you know, we're ashamed the president of the United States is from Texas." The Chicks airplay on country radio ever since, though they just released a well-received disc, "Taking the Long Way Home." The movie travels with the Chicks, from their peak of popularity as the national anthem-singing darlings of country music and top-selling female recording artists of all time, through the anti-Bush comment through the writing and recording of their first album since and three years of political attack, making music, birthing babies, bonding, death threats and laughter. * * * * * * * July 30, 2006: Shooter Jennings releases his second album this year when "Live at Irving Plaza" hits the streets Sept. 12 courtesy of Universal South. The disc was recorded at the New York City venue in April. Jennings had his second album, "Electric Rodeo," out earlier this year. He gained acclaim with his debut, "Put the O Back in Country" and has toured

**** Amy's Kitchen ****  

WATERMELON SHERBET   

5 cups watermelon; seeded & cubed  
3/4 cups sugar  
1 tablespoon lemon juice  
1 envelope unflavored geletin  
1/4 cup water  
12 ounces evaporated skim milk  

DIRECTIONS:  
Combine first 3 ingredients; cover and chill 30 minutes.  
Place watermelon mixture in container of an electric  
blender or food processor. Top with cover, and process  
until smooth; set aside. Sprinkle gelatin over water in  
a small sauxepan; let stand 1 minute. Cook over medium  
heat, stirring until gelatine dissolves; remove from heat.  
Combine watermelon mixture, gelatin and milk. Pour into  
freezer container of a 5-quart hand-turned or electric  
freezer. Freeze mixture according to manufactuer's  
instructions.  

Yield: 9 Servings  

"Tingly Fruit Salad"
 
1 pt. raspberries
1 pt. blueberries
1 small honeydew melon
1 small cantaloupe
2 tsp. sugar
1/2 cup fresh mint leaves (optional)