Welcome New Subscribers
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

WEDNESDAY AUGUST 2,2006


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: If you want an enemy,
just try to convince a fool he's wrong.

Many things are opened by mistake,
but none so often as the mouth
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Teacher: Class, let's discuss the grizzly bear. Does anyone know if we get fur from him?

Student: I'd get as fur from him as possible.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Jon Bon Jovi and I have a lot in common. Jon plays the  
guitar; I like to play the guitar. Jon wears a leather  
jacket; I like to wear a leather jacket. Jon Bon Jovi was  
one of the 50 most beautiful people in People magazine; I  
like to read People magazine." --John Kerry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the beginning of the school year, one seventh grader was  
reflecting on his chance at being the 8th grade valedictorian.  
He said his dad was valedictorian, his mom was valedictorian,  
and his sister was also valedictorian. He paused, leaned back  
in his chair and said, "Looks like the end of an era!"   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My co-worker was being let go due to a nasty habit she had  
of not always showing up for work. As an officer in our  
union, I was preparing to argue on her behalf when she took  
matters into her own hands and insisted, "But I was really  
sick this time!"   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the new detective show they are going to  
air on TV? The program will be about a private investigator  
named Richard Dick. That's right, it's going to be called:  
Dick Dick, Private Dick.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During one of our biology classes at the University of Pennsylvania, a loud buzzing sound started coming through an air vent. Obviously distracted by the noise, our professor stopped talking every few minutes and looked up at the vent. Finally he asked, "Is that noise annoying you as much as me?"

"Oh, no," replied a student from the back of the room, "you're not that bad." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A dental-hygiene student from the local college was encouraging customers at the donut shop to sign up for a free teeth cleaning by one of the dental students. My husband and his partner declined, but the man behind them said "Sure!" He pulled out his set of dentures and added: "But can I have them back by noon? I'll need them for lunch."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As he was trying on new shoes, my son mentioned to the clerk that he used to be a shoe salesman. She asked what he was doing now, and he replied that he was pastoring a church. "That's a big change, isn't it?" she said. "No," he answered, "just different souls."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Each Friday afternoon I picked up my husband, Ben, at Camp Pendleton, California. One very hot day, my car overheated about five minutes from the base. Knowing Ben would be waiting at the main gate, I called the guard and asked him to relay a message to Ben when he reached the gate. The message, as Ben got it, was: "Your wife is at the snack bar overheated."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old lady in southern Georgia was busy kneading a huge batch of bread. Noticing that her wood fire needed replenishing, she hastily removed her hands from the dough and rushed to the wood pile where she chopped an armload of wood. As she returned her teenage daughter was standing nearby.

"Momma," she said dreamily. "How long does a honeymoon last?"

" 'Til there's dough on the axe handle, Honey," the old lady replied grimly. " 'Til there's dough on the axe handle."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Beekeeper Nate used tweezers to pluck the lovely bee, Beauty, from her apiary. He handed the tool to his colleague, Joe.

"Are you sure you want to lend me this lovely specimen?"

"I'm sure," said Nate. "Beauty is a terrific leader. When your drones are organized you can bring Beauty back."

But Beauty had other ideas. As soon as the bee was freed of the apiary, it pulled away from the tweezers, soared to the sky, dove back down, and planted its stinger right in Nate's eyelid.

As Nate gently tried to tug the bee free, Joe rushed to the phone and called
the hospital.

"We need an ambulance at the 'Honey I Miss You Farm'," he cried. "Hurry!"

"What's the nature of your emergency?" the dispatcher asked.

"Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly economics professor is standing at the shallow end of the campus pool. A Coed is standing at the deep end taking pictures. She suddenly drops the camera into the pool. Then she motions for the professor to come to her. He goes and she asks him to retrieve the camera. He agrees and dives in and retrieve its. Upon returning he says to her, "Why did you ask me to retrieve the camera when there were many younger and more athletic males closer to her?" She replied, "Professor you seem to forget that I'm in your Econ I class, and I don't know anyone who can go down deeper, stay down longer and come up drier than you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The king had a beautiful girl locked in his castle. He lavished her with gifts, but dressed her in the most horrible rags. Every night, she would stare out the dungeon window, waiting for a brave knight to rescue her. But every knight who rode up would take one look at her and ride away in disgust. "how can they resist my beauty?" the girl complained. "The king was right," the guard said, laughing. "No knight will rescue a damsel in this dress."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A colleague of mine spent some time in Arizona. Because I knew he had never been to the prairies before, I asked what he thought of the experience. "Well," he replied, "I've never been to a place before where you can watch your dog run away--for three days."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her USA government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Civil War broke out. A slave was asked to fight, first by his master and then by an agent sent in by the Yankees. The slave said, "Thank you, but no thanks. You've seen two dogs fight over a bone, but have you ever seen the bone get up and fight?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the pressures of the office
and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard
an ominous rumbling: moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward
him.

Fortunately, Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave just before the
avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had matches with him and was
able to light a fire.

Hours later, when everyone but Mr. Jacobson had returned, a rescue team
was sent to search for him. After several hours they saw smoke curling
from the cave and went to investigate. Poking his head into the
entrance, one of the rescuers yelled, "Mr. Jacobson, are you there?
It's the Red Cross."

Bristling, the harried executive called back, "Get lost. I gave at the
office!"

**** Quickies ****
"Now, William," said the teacher, "to what family does the hippopotamus belong?"

"I don't know," said William, puzzled. "No one in our neighborhood has one."
~
QUESTION: Is chicken soup good for your health?

ANSWER: Not if you're a chicken.
~

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Shirley's ressypees e-zine
We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular
recipe,
send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca

SUBSCRIBE RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
****************************************************
"YOU'RE FIRED! Coz you're too tall to fit your legs under the desk!"
Have you ever heard of news as weird as this?
Send blank email to 46508-subscribe@zinester.com for free subscription of "Weirdo News" now!
****************************************************




&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& 
You can join The Funnies
IT'S  FREE
To subscribe, Click on link below
25438-subscribe@zinester.com
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

**** HEALTH NEWS ****

BACKPACKS CAN CAUSE INJURY  

The American Physical Therapy Association finds more than  
50 percent of U.S. children surveyed carry backpacks heavier  
than 15 percent of their body weight. "Children should carry  
no more than 15 percent of their body weight on their backs,"  
says Dr. Avrom Gart of the Cedars-Sinai Institute for Spinal  
Disorders. Also, wearing a backpack on one shoulder can cause  
a child to lean to one side to compensate for the extra  
weight. "If you notice that one of your child's shoulder  
blades is not moving or not symmetrical, a doctor should be  
consulted immediately," Gart adds.   

New gene silencing may create disease cure  

DALLAS, -- A fresh technique of controlling the expression  
of genes at the DNA level might lead to new treatments or  
cures for many diseases, scientists said Monday. "Virtually  
every disease starts at the level of malfunctioning gene  
expression, or viral or bacterial gene expression," said  
David Corey, professor of pharmacology and biochemistry at  
the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center. "This  
is an approach that could theoretically produce a drug for  
the treatment or cure of almost any disease." The research,  
which Corey said represents the most significant findings  
thus far in his career, are the most definitive to date  
showing chromosomal DNA is accessible to and can be con-  
trolled by synthetic and natural molecules. "With this  
information, one could easily turn on or off gene expres-  
sion, as well as think about ways to correct genetic  
disease by changing mutant gene sequences back to normal,"  
Corey said. "Those types of things now look a lot more  
feasible." The study is detailed in two papers appearing  
in the online edition of the journal Nature Chemical  
Biology.   

E-waste becoming a health hazard  

WASHINGTON`, D.C.,  -- "E-trash" is creating an increasing  
health hazard across the nation, with the U.S. Senate try-  
ing to find a national solution. The National Safety  
Council estimates 50 million computers a year become obso-  
lete, many left in landfills where, scientists fear, the  
metallic parts may poison the environment, the Orlando  
(Fla.) Sentinel reported Monday. Older, bulky televisions  
and computer monitors contain as many as 5 pounds of lead,  
a potentially hazardous metal, Blanche Hardy, director of  
environmental services in Florida's Lake County, told the  
newspaper. The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency said  
consumer electronics account for less than 4 percent of  
the nation's municipal solid waste, but account for  
approximately 40 percent of the lead in landfills. People  
in the United States own an estimated 2 billion pieces of  
electronic equipment -- about 25 items per household.  





**** Reader's Submissions ****


**** ON THIS DAY ****

**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****

Subscribe Today: Home Delivery of USA TODAY - Save 35%

**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****