A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie replied.

"You know what, genie, maybe we can repay you by making one of YOUR wishes come true... what's your wish, genie?" the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35," she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Susan and Martha meet at the market and exchange news .... Susan said: My husband was named Man of the Year.

Martha replied: Well that shows you what kind of a year it’s been <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

There is a knock on the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks out, and a man is standing there. Saint Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears. A moment later there’s another knock. Saint Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, but the man disappears once again. “Hey, are you playing games with me?” Saint Peter calls after him, rather annoyed. “No” the man’s distant voice replies anxiously. “They are trying to resuscitate me.” <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

On the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher said, “If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers.” A little voice from the back of the room asked. “How will that help?” <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> 
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!" <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> 

These are reported announcements made by Flight Attendants of SOUTHWEST Airlines.

1. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

2. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with you with our compliments."

3. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

4. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

5. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate.

6. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

7. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

8. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways." <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

A man at the airline counter tells the rep. “I’d like this bag to go to Berlin, this one to California, and this one to London.

The rep says, “I’m sorry sir. We can’t do that.”

The man replied: Nonsense. That is what you did last time I flew with you.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between 'C' and 'D', but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.".

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." "No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> 

There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says, "Hey, you look familiar. Are you from around here?" The man answers, "Yeah, I live down the street." "No kidding?" says the first man, "Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?" "Oh I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in '66. How 'bout you?" "Get out. I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in '66, too." "Where'd you go to college?" "Beloit, in Wisconsin." "No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?" "Kevin Sullivan dorm." "Sullivan? You're not going to believe this . . ." Joe the bartender walks over, and the first guy says, "Joe, you won't believe it in a million years. This guy went to the same high school as me, graduated the same year I did, and went to the same college. We were even in the same dorm. Isn't that amazing?" Joe looks at them both and says, "Yeah, that's just plain amazing." A third man comes in and says, "Hey Joe. What's new?" Joe says, "Not much. The Johnson twins are drunk again."

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> Two bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says, "Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood." The other bat is amazed and says, "Well, it’s a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die." "Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it." So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth. "You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat. "You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood. "Yeah, I think I do!" "Well, I didn't."

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba: I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad: For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES. Love, Bubba

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad: Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Bubba

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said:” Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very angry and threw him out. The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out. The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses." Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?" The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then suddenly died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Please step to your left -- you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Pettry amzanig huh?

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted. "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon." <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
A brilliant young boy was applying for a job with the railways. The interviewer asked him: "Do you know how to use the equipment?" "Yes", the boy replied. "Then what would you do if you realized that 2 trains, one from this station and one from the next were going to crash because they were on the same track?" The young applicant thought and replied "I'd press the button to change the points without hesitation." "What if the button was frozen and wouldn't work?" "I'd run outside and pull the lever to change the points manually" "And if the lever was broken?" "I'd get on the phone to the next station and tell them to change the points," he replied. "And if the phone was broken and needed an electrician to fix it?" The boy thought about that one. "I'd run into town and get my uncle" "Is your uncle an electrician?" "No, but he's never seen a train crash before!"
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Fred - The Ole Fritzbear

"I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud,  
but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without  
doing any productive work or contributing anything to society,  
my reaction is: 'How can I get in on that?'" --Dave Barry 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During the "rush hour" at Houston Airport, a flight was  
delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the  
gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from  
the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. The pas-  
sengers were then told the new gate number, which was some  
distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find  
a third gate had been designated for them.  

After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as  
they were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard  
announcement, "We apologize for the inconvenience of this  
last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington,  
D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C. you should  
'deplane' at this time."  

A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the  
cockpit, carrying his bags. "Sorry," he said, wrong plane."   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

 Kid Rock Ties the Knot With Pamela Anderson  

Kid Rock married actress Pamela Anderson during a Saturday  
night (July 29) ceremony aboard a luxury yacht off the  
coast of St. Tropez on the French Riviera. Anderson, 39,  
and her first husband, Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee,  
divorced in 1998 after a three-year marriage. They have  
two sons, Brandon, 10, and Dylan, 8. The 35-year-old Kid  
Rock, whose real name is Robert Ritchie, has a 13-year-old  
son, Bob Jr. In an online diary on her Web site, Anderson  
complained of the paparazzi but called the ceremony "the  
best, most romantic wedding of all time." In a message  
previously posted on his Web site, Kid Rock said, "Yes, I  
am marrying the girl of my dreams. We are registered at  
Wal-Mart. Thank you for your support!"   
 

    Miss America 2004 Ericka Dunlap Joins CMT Radio  

Ericka Dunlap, Miss America 2004, has been named on-air  
correspondent for the CMT Radio Network. During her reign  
as Miss America, Dunlap interviewed numerous celebrities,  
including Regis Philbin, Kelly Ripa, David Letterman, Al  
Roker and Carson Daly, and made television appearances on  
The Oprah Winfrey Show, The O'Reilly Factor and CNN's  
Inside Politics. Dunlap also served as a pre-race emcee  
for the 2004 Daytona 500 and grand marshal of the 2003 EA  
Sports race at Tallladega, Ala., and was appointed to the  
NASCAR National Diversity Council. Working from CMT  
Radio's studio in Nashville, she will deliver daily coun-  
try music news and entertainment reports to the morning  
shows of affiliate stations and cover industry events and  
functions on behalf of the network.  



**** Amy's Kitchen ****  

LAST CALL Y'ALL