The top 10 Country singles:  
  
1. Rodney Atkins - If You're Going Through Hell (Before The  
Devil Even Knows)  
2. Toby Keith - A Little Too Late  
3. Carrie Underwood - Don't Forget To Remember Me  
4. Brad Paisley - The World  
5. The Wreckers - Leave The Pieces  
6. Kenny Chesney - Summertime  
7. Rascal Flatts - Me And My Gang  
8. Gary Allan - Life Ain't Always Beautiful  
9. Little Big Town - Bring It On Home  
10. Steve Holy - Brand New Girlfriend  


The top 10 Country albums:  
  
1. Rascal Flatts - Me And My Gang  
2. Dixie Chicks - Taking The Long Way  
3. Johnny Cash American V: A Hundred Highways  
4. Steve Holy - Brand New Girlfriend  
5. Carrie Underwood - Some Hearts  
6. Tim McGraw - Greatest Hits Vol 2: Reflected  
7. Josh Turner - Your Man  
8. Jake Owen - Startin' With Me  
9. The Wreckers - Stand Still, Look Pretty  
10. Alan Jackson - Precious Memories   
  

The top 10 Christian singles:  

1. Third Day - Mountain Of God  
2. Aaron Shust - My Savior, My God  
3. MercyMe - So Long Self  
4. Casting Crowns - Praise You In This Storm  
5. Brian Littrell - Welcome Home  
6. Kutless - Strong Tower  
7. Mark Harris - Find Your Wings  
8. tree63 - All Over The World  
9. Chris Tomlin - How Great Is Our God  
10. Matthew West - Only Grace


Top 10 DVD sales:  
  
1. She's The Man -- Paramount Home Entertainment  
2. ATL -- Warner Home Video  
3. Eight Below -- Walt Disney Home Entertainment  
4. Failure To Launch -- Paramount Home Entertainment  
5. Tyler Perry's Madea's Family Reunion -- Lions Gate Home  
Entertainment  
6. The Matador -- The Weinstein Company  
7. The Suite Life Of Zack & Cody: Taking Over The Tipton --  
Walt Disney Home Entertainment  
8. Pirates Of The Caribbean: The Curse Of The Black Pearl --  
Walt Disney Home Entertainment  
9.  Edison Force -- Sony Pictures Home Entertainment  
10. Ultraviolet -- Sony Pictures Home Entertainment  


Top 10 DVD Rentals:  

1. She's The Man -- Paramount Home Entertainment  
2. Failure to Launch -- Paramount  
3. Syriana -- Warner  
4. The Matador -- Genius/Weinstein  
5. The Hills Have Eyes -- Fox  
6. ATL -- Warner Home Video  
7. Basic Instinct 2 -- Sony Pictures  
8. Eight Below -- BV/Disney  
9. Ultraviolet -- Sony Pictures  
10. 16 Blocks -- Warner  


Top 10 singles:  

1. Nelly Furtado Featuring Timbaland - Promiscuous  
2. Gnarls Barkley - Crazy  
3. Cassie - Me & You  
4. Beyonce Featuring Jay-Z - Deja Vu  
5. Fergie - London Bridge  
6. The Pussycat Dolls Featuring Snoop Dogg - Buttons  
7. Yung Joc - It's Goin' Down  
8. Christina Aguilera - Ain't No Other Man  
9. The Fray - Over My Head (Cable Car)  
10. Shakira Featuring Wyclef Jean - Hips Don't Lie   


      Top 10 albums:  
  
1. LeToya - LeToya  
2. Various Artists - NOW 22  
3. Pharrell - In My Mind  
4. Tom Petty - Highway Companion  
5. Gnarls Barkley - St. Elsewhere  
6. Soundtrack - High School Musical  
7. Rihanna - A Girl Like Me  
8. Nelly Furtado - Loose  
9. The Pussycat Dolls - PCD  
10.Rascal Flatts - Me And My Gang

The top 10 Mainstream Rock tracks:  
  
1. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Dani California  
2. Stone Sour - Through Glass  
3. Three Days Grace - Animal I Have Become  
4. Korn - Coming Undone  
5. Buckcherry - Crazy B!tch  
6. Hinder - Lips Of An Angel  
7. Tool - Vicarious  
8. Breaking Benjamin - The Diary Of Jane  
9. Wolfmother - Woman  
10. Godsmack - Shine Down   

   

   ****JOKE TIME****

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took
two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today,
a five-year-old can do it.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Sally told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might
try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I
needed was blinker fluid."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading North
America,
Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be
referred to
as "HILLBILLIES."
You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.


And furthermore..

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY
APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE
INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a
"PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY
INCONVENIENCED."

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY
SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN
STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of
"RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR
CLEAVAGE"

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
The optimist-of-the-year award goes to the mother who baked one batch of cookies for the Cub Scout meeting.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

"Excuse me, could you tell me the fastest way to get to the hospital?"

"Stand in traffic."

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
It was the day after New Year and I lay in my bed

with a herd of pink elephants standing on my head.

I remembered the party, the host of good cheer,

I remembered the opening of a large keg of beer.

There was dancing and singing...some snacks passed my way,

but long before midnight the room started to sway.

I thought I heard bells, and a rousing good cheer

of wishes that I'd have a Happy New Year!

After that things grew foggy, till I woke up in bed,

with such a large headache that I wished I was dead.

Next year will be different, no party for me!

Just a soft drink, some popcorn, and Dick Clark on TV!

Yes, I learned my lesson when I woke up today...

if you party too hardy you're going to pay!

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

To meet a lot of people in a short time, try putting a "For Sale" sign in front of your house.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Two little girls stopped their playing and smiled as I jogged past their yard, "Hey mister," questioned one of the children, "how long have you been running?" "About two weeks," I answered with pride. Without hesitation the other little girl commented, "Gee, you must be getting tired!"

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Can you imagine what a scarcity of news there would be if everybody obeyed the Ten Commandments?
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
The rich, old, dying man called his lawyer to him for the purpose of disposing of his wordly goods. "How many children have you?" the lawyer asked.

"That, sir," said the old-timer, "will be decided by the courts when my will is contested."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Think twice before you speak, especially if you intend to say what you think.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Troop Leader: Do you know how to make a fire with just two sticks?

Cub Scout: Yes, sir. As long as one of the sticks is a match.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Identity these phrases:

"Dewey Defeats Truman."

"Just the facts, ma'am."

"Sock it to me."

"All the news that's fit to print."

"Only the Shawdow knows!"

"Get your stinking paws off me, you d*mned, dirty ape!"

"Why don't you come up and see me some time?"
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Accident Report"
(Another GREAT Classic)

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed
in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the
Workers' Compensation board.


Dear Sir,
"I am writing in response to your request for additional
information in Block 3 of the accident report form.
I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident.
You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the
following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident,
I was working alone on the roof of a new six story
building. When I completed my work, I found that I had
some bricks left over which, when weighed later were
found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than
carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them
in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to
the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the
roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into
it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it
tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form
that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being
jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence
of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.

Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the
side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel
which was now proceeding downward at an equal,
impressive speed. This explained the fractured
skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone,
as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent,
not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were
two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence
of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope,
in spite of beginning to experience pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel
of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of
the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks,
that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs I refer you
again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a
rapid descent, down the side of the building. In
the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel
coming up.
This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken
tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower
body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The
encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough
to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of
bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were
cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay
there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to
move, I again lost my composure and presence of
mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching
the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.
This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry."

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Hugs Are Warm"

Hugs are nice
Hugs are ways
To break the ice
If you send me a hug
You won't regret
I'll hug you back
So you can't forget!
A hug is just a way to say,
I love you in a special way,
To tell that someone special,
I care about you in every way.
When you shed a tender tear
a hug is sure to be near.
When you're trembling in fear
a hug will come from someone dear.
Wrap your arms around someone near
In your hug is the circle of life.
A new beginning to an endless day
A ray of hope to light your way.
Take a hug and pass it on
don't save them up it can't be done.
Share them with family and friends,
share them whenever you can.
A hug will make you "aahh"
A hug will make you "oohh"
A hug will make you smile
A hug will make you feel great.
A hug lightens up your day
A hug throws away your loads
A hug strengthens your ties
A hug makes you feel important.
A hug is harmless
Stop! Take a break!
It only takes a little of our time
Why not share a hug?
We all need a hug, don't we?

Give it to someone you care about.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
"Ponderables"

The best way to get even is to forget..

Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death...

God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts...

Some folks wear their halos much too tight...

Some marriages are made in heaven, but they ALL have
to be maintained on earth.

Unless you can create the WHOLE universe in 5 or 6 days,
then perhaps giving "advice" to God, isn't such a good idea!

Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, and faith looks up...

Words are windows to the heart.

A skeptic is a person who when he sees the handwriting
on the wall claims it's a forgery.

It isn't difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill
- just add a little dirt.

A successful marriage isn't finding the right person
- it's being the right person.

The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held
its ground.

Too many people offer God prayers, with claw marks
all over them.

The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people
can hold it.

To forgive is to set the prisoner free, and then
discover the prisoner was you.

You have to wonder about humans, they think God is
dead and Elvis is alive!

You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when
it sticks out its neck...

If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence,
you can bet the water bill is higher.

And last but not least-- God gave the angels Wings,
and He gave humans CHOCOLATE.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
A feisty 70 year old woman had to call a furnace repairman.
After a quick inspection the man put some oil into the motor
and handed her a $70 bill for labor.

"Labor charges!" she exclaimed. "It only took you five minutes."

The repairman explained that his company had a minimum
one-hour charge on every house call.

"Well, I want my remaining 55 minutes of labor,"
the lady responded, and she handed him a rake.

The repairman spent the next 55 minutes in her yard bagging leaves.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
These two eggs had just been married and were on their
honeymoon. While they were sitting on the bed making out, the
female egg pushed the male egg away and said "I just have to
go to the bathroom. I'll be back in a minute." and off she
went.

Five minutes later the male egg saw his sexy wife walk out in
a slinky egglige, wiping her hands up and down her smooth,
ovally body.

Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his
head, covering it completely.

The female egg looked at him and asked, "What are you doing?"

He replied, "The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me
over the head with a spoon!"
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
"If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
"To bathe a cat takes brute force, perseverance, courage of conviction -- and a cat. The last ingredient is usually hardest to come by."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
John, Brian, and Bill were all locked away in a mental institution for many, many years. One day, the head doctor tells them that if they pass a test he wanted to administer to them, they'd be deemed mentally competent and free to leave the nut house. Should they fail, however, they'd be locked away for another five years of observation.

All three took the doc up on his offer. The four of them went to the hospital's indoor pool. The pool was drained of water. The doctor leads the patients up to the diving platform, some 60 feet in the air.

The doctor motions to John. "Jump." Without hesitation, John leaps off the platform, right into the pool, breaking both arms in the process.

The doctor notes this on his clipboard and tells Brian, "Jump."

Also without hesitation, Brian flies off the platform into the empty pool, breaking both of his legs.

After noting the results on his clipboard, the doctor tells Bill, "Jump."

Bill shakes his head. "Naw. I don't think so."

The doctor notes this on his clipboard rather enthusiastically and says, "Congratulations, Bill. You're a free man. Just tell me one thing. Why didn't you jump?"

"Easy," Bill says, "I can't swim."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Fred - The Ole Fritzbear

"'The artist formerly known as Prince' is getting divorced.  
He was seen removing his belongings from the house formerly  
known as his." --Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Fidel Castro is still in the hospital with a serious medical  
condition. He still thinks communism was a good idea until  
he was being rushed to the hospital in a '55 Oldsmobile."  
 --Conan O'Brien   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"An Inconvenient Truth: 'There has never been a better time  
for a movie about global warming set inside an air-conditioned  
theater than right now.'" --Jimmy Kimmel  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God help me, I've entered the Age of Skirted Swimwear. This  
is the age right after Accessorizing with Reading Glasses  
and a few years before Can't Name Anyone on the Radio.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Applicants for jobs at the company where my friend Diana  
works are asked to fill out a questionnaire. Among the  
things candidates list is their high school and when they  
attended. One prospective employee dutifully wrote the name  
of his high school, followed by the dates attended: Monday,  
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
"Florida Hurricane Advice"

(1) There is no need to panic.

(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Illinois and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately,statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay in Florida.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and

(2) It is located in Indiana.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay you money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.

EVACUATION ROUTE:

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now. Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of Spam.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies: 23 flashlights; at least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights. Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. Nobody knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so get some!) A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant. A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.) A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through a hurricane; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.) $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.