|
The Funnies Archives Index
|
Subscribe
|
|
| << August05, 2006 - The Daily Funnies |
August09, 2006 - The Daily Funnies >> |
|
From Carlisle
,Indiana
U.S.A. Welcome to The Funnies "Friends
are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG Welcome New
Subscribers MONDAY AUGUST 7,2006 A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad." When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!" ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> As soon as I stepped into the urgent-care facility in my hometown, I could see the place was packed with patients. The nurses and doctors all seemed frazzled. I discovered just how frazzled when a doctor walked into the room, pulled out his examination light, pointed it in my ear, and instructed me, "Say, 'Ah.'" <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away. "See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?" ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> Even More Shredded Similes, Mutilated Metaphors For your entertainment, even more actual similes and metaphors found by high school English teachers from across the country in their student's essays. - The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. - Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. - They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. - John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. - He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River. - Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. - Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. - He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree. - The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine. - The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. - McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. - From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. - Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse, named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try." ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> Catherine, a RN, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area. She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview. Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else. It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe." <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop." The girl kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops." She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way. The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!" Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!" ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger noticed that the "Fasten Seat Belts" sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one. Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it. "Well," she explained, "up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend. "In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees. What would you do?" <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W." ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?" "No, I am an undercover detective." "So why are you in uniform?" "Today is my day off." <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> One day, God and Adam were walking in the Garden of Eden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth. "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve." "Lord, what is a kiss?" asked Adam. God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?" "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." "Lord, what is caress?" asked Adam. God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next?" "Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve." "Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam. God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush. A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?" ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised. After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, “Once a year!” To John's dismay, he responds, “Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?” The grinning guy responds, "Tonight’s the night!" <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother." ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married." "Why not," giggles the woman. "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket." <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> "Glossary of Blonde Medicine" Artery...............................Study of paintings Bacteria.............................Back door of a cafeteria Barium...............................What doctors do when a patient dies Bowel................................A letter like A,E,I,O,U Caesarian Section....................A district in Rome Cataract.............................Weird pontoon boat Cat Scan.............................Searching for a Kitty Cauterize............................Made eye contact with her Colic................................A sheep dog Coma.................................A punctuation mark Congenital...........................Friendly D & C ...............................Where Washington is Dilate...............................To live long Enema................................Not a Friend Fester...............................Quicker Fibula...............................Small Lie Genital..............................Non-Jewish G.I. Series..........................Soldier Ball Game Hangnail.............................To Hang Pictures on Impotent.............................Distinguished; well known Labor Pain...........................Getting hurt at work Medical Staff........................Doctor's Cane Morbid...............................Higher Offer Nitrate..............................Different then Day Rate Node.................................Was aware of Outpatient...........................Person who has fainted Papsmear.............................Fatherhood Test Pelvis...............................Cousin of Elvis Postperative.........................letter Carrier Prostrate............................Flat on your back Recovery Room........................Place to do upholstery Rectum...............................Damn near killed him Secretion............................Hiding something Seizure..............................Roman Emperor Tablet...............................Small table Terminal Illness.....................Getting sick at the Airport. Tibia................................Country in North Africa Tumor................................Add a couple more Urine................................Opposite of "You're Out" Varicose.............................Near by Vein.................................Conceited ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage. "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So, how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running." <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> The Ole Fritzbear "NOTICE TO NORTHERNERS MOVING
SOUTH"
The following is a pre-approved posting whose purpose is to offer insight and advice to Northerners moving
South.
Save all manner of bacon grease.
You will be instructed on how to use it shortly.
Seriously.
Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean
Southerners can. Please stay home the two days of the year it snows. Your life
depends on it.
If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic.
Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a
12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly.
Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way.
This is what they live for.
You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless
you already know the positions of key hills, trees
and rocks, you're better off trying to find it
yourself.
Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural.
All y'all's is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here,
are you?" Well, 'cause you ain't from here!
We can tell!
Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone.
They don't understand you, either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted
Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol", as in
'big ol truck' or 'big ol boy'.
As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55-mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere,
and this is the proper speed and lane position for that
vehicle.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!"
Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will
ever say, or worse still, that you will ever
hear.
Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore
those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a
car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured
that it was already turned on when the car was
purchased.
If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking,
let alone eating. Country ham, Country Fried Steak, Collard
Greens...
The wardrobe you always brought out in September can
wait until December. The clothes you brought for December,
your neighbors will be wearing in September. "Dang it, it
sure is cold out, y'all!"
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the
most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local
grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is
just something you're supposed to do. Everyone will be there buying milk and
bread. Nothing else, just milk and bread, preferably white as in
Sunbeam.
Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you
purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical,
bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house, and should,
therefore, be prominently displayed. Dishes are required, after all, to get
maximum access to stock car racing and fishing shows.
Be advised that in the South, "He needed killin'!", is a valid
defense. Especially when directed at Yankees, all y'all!
Ack!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Kitchen Help" My brother-in-law came home to an empty house one day and decided he would start dinner. First, he would make the salad. He searched high and low for the big bowl for making the salad and finally found it in the refrigerator, half full of Kool Aid. "Who on earth put Kool Aid in a bowl?" He looked around and found some empty pop bottles, rinsed them out and using a funnel, transferred the Kool Aid to the pop bottles and returned them to the fridge. He then made the salad and started the rest of the dinner. Later, my sister came home. She had been to the
store and was putting some things in the fridge, when suddenly she asked her
husband, "Who on earth put my Jello in pop
bottles?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The city advised my daughter while I was visiting that the water would be shut off for a short time because of a broken main. We decided to go for a walk with the dog. When we returned, her three boys, aged between 8 and 13, were eating macaroni and cheese. We asked them if the water was back on. "No," they replied, "we used the water from the dog's dish." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My three-year-old walked into the kitchen and announced she'd figured it out: "When I get older and have babies, you'll be their grandmother." I was impressed with her deductive reasoning until she went on with a glint in her eye: "...that is if you live long enough." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After the summer break, our school computer system received some upgrades, including changing from 15 to 19-inch monitors. However, the system still had some bugs. One morning a colleague was using one of the computers when the principal walked by and asked how she liked the new monitor. "It's great," she replied. "The error messages are much clearer." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ While I was attending university, I spent three summers as an air- force flight cadet. In my final year, I taught a class in supply procurement, and a student would always clean off the blackboard after it was covered with notes. When I started teaching at Washington High School, I eventually gave up trying to get one of my students to help in the same way. One day I stayed after class and filled the entire blackboard with complicated chemical equations and notes, ready for the next day's lesson. I arrived in the morning to a beaming eleventh grade class and spotlessly clean blackboards ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Then there was the man who did go to see a psychiatrist and recounted a horrible nightmare. "My mother-in-law was chasing me with a bloodthirsty crocodile on a leash. It was terrifying. I saw the yellow eyes, the dry scaly dkin, and the decaying razor- sharp teeth, and I smelled the foul breath." "Sounds disgusting," agreed the shrink. "Yes," replied the man, "but wait till I tell you about the crocodile." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A hunter returned from an outing and proudly announced that he shot an elk. "How do you know it was an elk?" his wife asked. The husband replied, "By his membership card." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The large fire department where I work sometimes runs out of the official forms we use for inspecting equipment. Headquarters will allow us to create our own forms on the computer. Once, after composing a replacement document, we sent copies to other fire stations in need of them. Afterward, we noticed that under the signature line, someone has mistakenly typed "Singed." &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Shirley's ressypees e-zine We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular recipe, send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca SUBSCRIBE RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&  &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& You can join The Funnies IT'S FREE To subscribe, Click on link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
As the launch date
(1966-67) for GM's Camaro neared, the car still had no name. It had been called
various names by GM and the press, including Nova, Panther, Chaparral, and
Wildcat (later used by Buick.) It is rumored that Chevy also considered using
the letters "GM" in the name, and came up with G-Mini, which evolved into
GeMini, and finally Gemini. General Motors Headquarters supposedly killed that
name, because they didn't want the letters "GM" used in case the car was
afailure.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -7- Dave Kapp, songwriter/publisher/founder of Kapp Records, born Chicago, IL 1904. Felice Bryant, born "Matilda Genevieve Scaduto," Milwaukee, WI 1925. B. J. Thomas born Hugo, OK 1942. Hank Williams joined the Louisiana Hayride 1948, after six months of proving to management that he could stay sober. Rodney Crowell, singer/songwriter/producer/father of Johnny Cash's grandchildren, born Houston, TX 1950. Elvis Presley released "Blue Moon of Kentucky," and "That's Alright," 1954. Johnny Cash and Vivian Liberto were married in San Antonio, TX 1954. The best man was John's brother Roy. Marshall Grant, bass player for the Tennessee Two, loaned John the money to get to San Antonio for the wedding. The final episode of "The Gene Autry Show," aired on CBS-TV 1956. Michael Peterson born Tucson, AZ 1959. Patsy Cline's "I Fall To Pieces," went to #1 1961. Alison Brown, record label executive/banjoist, born 1962. Raul Malo of the "Mavericks" born 1965. Capitol Records released Buck Owens' album "Your Tender Loving Care" 1967. Buck Owens recorded "I've Got You On My Mind Again" 1968. Armadillo World Headquarters opened in Austin, TX 1970. Homer Haynes of "Homer & Jethro" died Hammond, IN 1971. Marty Robbins released "I've Got A Woman's Love/A Little Spot In Heaven" 1972. George & Tammy's duet "Golden Ring" topped the charts 1976. B. J. Thomas joined the Grand Ole Opry 1981. Ester Phillips recording artist, died 1984. T. C. Lansford of "The Texas Playboys" died 1989. Garth Brooks performed a free concert in Central Park in New York City, 1997. The crowd was estimated at 250,000. The mayor of NYC proclaimed this to be "Garth Brooks Day." "Porter Wagoner Day" was proclaimed by Porter's home state of Missouri 1999. William Lewis "Billy" Byrd, age 81, "Texas Troubadours," died Nashville, TN 2001. Bill Anderson released his album "A Lot of Things Different" 2001. William Lee Golden of the Oak Ridge Boys suffered a heart attack 2004. His son will take his place until Golden is well enough to return to the group.
"Barbecue Pork Ribs With Pepsi Sauce" 4-6 lbs. pork ribs
6-8 cups Pepsi 1 cup catsup 1/2 - 3/4 cup red wine vinegar 2 tbsp. oil 1 small onion, sliced 1 clove garlic, chopped 1 tbsp. sesame oil 1 tbsp. soy sauce 1 pinch cayenne pepper 1 tbsp. hot sauce 1/2 cup yellow mustard Directions:
Simmer ribs in salt water until tender - 45 minutes to one hour. Push fork between rib bones. If fork slides out easily, the ribs are done.
Boil 6 to 8 cups of Pepsi in a stainless steel pot until reduced to syrup. (This recipe will not work with Diet Pepsi, as sugar is a key
ingredient.)
Combine all ingredients, except mustard.
Simmer for 30 minutes to one hour.
Add mustard at end. If sauce is too sweet, add
vinegar.
If not sweet enough, add brown sugar.
Brown pork ribs on grill.
Aromatic wood works well if you are grilling over an open-fire
grill. If using a gas grill, try spraying liquid smoke
onto the ribs with a spray bottle.
The Pepsi sauce will burn if cooked too long, so it should be
basted on the ribs at the end.
**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****
As one centipede said to
another, "I just hate it when I
Hey, Let's be careful out there *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ PLEASE Don't take anything you see in the Funnies personally. The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more. Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target here. EVERYONE IS FAIR GAME The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service. We do not sell, lease, loan, or give our subscribers' addresses to anyone for any reason. Our features are intended to be for entertainment only. Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed
from various areas
on the web
and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold copyright on any of these materials please inform me so I may give the proper credit, or remove it which ever you prefer. ~ GOD BLESS AMERICA ~ To subscribe, Click on a link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com ~ To unsubscribe from this opt-in mailing list click on link at the end of this mailing ~ Regarding any problems In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or comments at: JIM4615@JOINK.COM or Jim Dowers P.O. Box 521 Carlisle, IN 47838-0521 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Miss getting The Funnies,or is your ISP blocking mail again? No problem To Read the Funnies on line. Just click on this link Archives Index: http://archives.zinester.com/25438 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Unsubscribe link is at the END of this list God Bless America , Our Land , Forever May She Stand &&&&&&&&&& THIS DOCUMENT IS VIRUS FREE Scanned by Avast virus protection ~ Unsubscription Email: 25438-unsubscribe@zinester.com Unsubscription URL: http://www.zinester.com/mpb/unsub.cgi?25438
|
|
| << August05, 2006 - The Daily Funnies |
August09, 2006 - The Daily Funnies >> |
|
The Funnies Archives Index
|
Subscribe
|
|
|
Archives powered by Zinester's Mailing List Service
Details on The Funnies |
Browse for more newsletters at Zinester's Ezine Directory
Managed by Zinester's Mailing List Management |
