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From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A. ![]() Welcome to The Funnies "Friends
are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG Welcome New
Subscribers WEDNESDAY AUGUST 9,2006 guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house." <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she said, "the ladies room is unoccupied. You may use it only if you promise not to touch the buttons on the wall." He was about to explode, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savouring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified with the letters: WW, WA and PP, and there was one red button labeled ATR. Who would really know if he touched them? He could not just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed thw WW button. Warm Water was sprayed gently on his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him, the men's washroom didn't have nice things like this. Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the WA button. Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying his underside.He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the PP button. A large Powder Puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant smell of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure. The ladies room was far more than a restroom, it was a place of tender loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did he pressed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy! He knew he was in the hospital room as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies restroom!" "You pushed too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. "That last button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!" "What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love." "Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were." Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!" <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives......... "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'." <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> Bad Days 1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80, 000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale. 2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded. 3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400-day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off. 4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman. 5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death. And finally... 6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now! Your day's not so bad, is it? <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> A guy walks into a dentist's office and flops right down on the couch. "Doc", he says, "Here's the problem. I think I'm a moth" "Well", says the doctor, "That certainly is a problem, but why did you come into a dentist's office?" "The light was on." <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>><> I hadn't seen my family for some time and, feeling especially nostalgic, I was looking forward to this visit. Most of all I wanted to see my grandparents, who were getting on in years. On my second day, my sister and I took my maternal grandma out for lunch. At one point Grandma suddenly turned to me and said: "I'm glad I got the chance to see you, dear. I'm not going to be around much longer, you know." "Oh, Grandma!" I protested, close to tears. "Of course you are!" I grasped her hand and held it tenderly. "No, I'm not," Grandma repeated excitedly. "I leave for Las Vegas in three days!" <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>><> Several years ago I was at a computer show demoing software. The audience was comprised of retired school teachers. I explained how to use the mouse to point to things on the screen. As I walked around the room making sure everyone was doing ok, I saw one woman holding her mouse to the Mac's monitor moving the mouse around on the screen. <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> I work for an ISP. One day a woman called, furious. Customer: "I bought the Internet the other day, and it ain't workin'." Tech Support: "Well, ma'am, can you explain what's happening?" Customer: "Well, I called that number that you gave me, and it don't do nothing." Tech Support: "What do you mean?" Customer: "When I call it, all it does is squeal in my ear!" Silence. Tech Support: "Ma'am, do you have a computer?" Customer: "Computer? Hell, I pay you twenty dollars a month! I don't need a computer!" <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> Tech Support: "May I ask the reason you are cancelling our service?" Customer: "Yeah, I just moved, and the phone jack in my new house is too far away from the computer." <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< A user who is attempting to dial in from home calls in for help. Nothing works. No matter what communications port he tries, no matter how he sets up his software, nothing works. This goes on for most of a day, as the user calls, is given something to try, tries it, calls back, is given something else to try, etc. Finally, on about the eleventh call, the intrepid support person hears some odd noises, and asks out of simple curiosity what they are. Customer: "Oh, that's traffic outside the phone booth." Tech Support: "Phone booth?" Customer: "Yeah, I don't have a phone in my apartment, so I'm calling from the phone booth on the corner." <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> A visitor who called on Pennsylvania congressman Thaddeus Stevens (1792-1868) during his last illness remarked on the patient's appearance. "It's not my appearance that troubles me right now," Stevens replied. "It's my disappearance." <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> A father was playing with his daughter when the little one said: "Dad, I read in school that animals get a new fur coat every winter." "Quiet!" retorted the father. "Your mother is in the next room!" <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< On your birthday, I am giving you two pieces of advice. One, forget about the past, you cannot change it. Two, forget about the present, I didn't get you one. <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> One of our patients wasn't taking any chances. Prior to her operation, she taped notes to her body for the surgeon... "Take your time," "Don't cut yourself," "No need to rush," "Wash your hands..." After surgery, as I helped the patient back into her bed, we discovered a new note taped to her, this one from the doctor, "Has anyone seen my wristwatch?" <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>><> That;s it for this time around .... hope you had fun. Feel free to pass these on to that special someone. But, always remember: "Death is a challenge. It tells us not to waste time. It tells us to tell each other right now that we love each other." (Leo Buscaglia) <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> Have a Great Day!!! The Ole fritzbear!!!! "Dear Milkman" "Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave
another one."
"Please leave an extra pint of paralyzed milk."
"Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is
drink it"
"Milkman please close the gate behind you because
the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk."
"Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my
wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks."
"Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one
egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round."
"When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom
window and wake me because I want you 'to give me a hand to turn the mattress."
My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do
it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle."
"Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have
a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbor told me."
"Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to
supply it."
"From now on please leave two pints every other
day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I
don't want any milk."
My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge,
get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table, because we
want to play bingo tonight."
"Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I
mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday or is it today?"
"When you come with the milk please put the coal
on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't
leave any milk."
"No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14
either as he is dead until further
notice."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Modern Version of the Birds and the Bees"
A little boy goes to his father and asks,
"Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well son, I guess one
day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we
discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You got
Male.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In 1875 a Danish couple converted to became Mormons and moved to Cache Valley Utah. They set up a farm in Rural Providence, Utah, and were self-sufficient for a couple of years. By the third year, the husband decided to take a second wife, as Mormons of the time did. His wife was not too keen on the idea, so he convinced a Swedish neighbor to help in a plan to convince her. "Let us go to the barn, and pray for guidance on this major decision," said the husband. "Whatever God tells us, that's what we'll do." They went to the barn, got on their knees, and old farmer Madsen started with the usual openings to Mormon prayers. After a few minutes of this, he posed the question: "Heavenly Father, should I take another wife?" Farmer Olson was in the rafters, as previously had been arranged, and in the most booming, deep voice he could muster, said "Brother Madsen, I command thee to take another wife." After a moment, farmer Madsen looked over to his wife, and saw that she was sobbing uncontrollably. He put his arm around her, and said, "There there, a second wife will be an addition to the family, but she will never be a replacement for you. I'll still love you just as much." Mrs. Madsen said "I have no problem with you taking a second wife, I've been resigned to that for a year now. But in my worst nightmare, I NEVER imagined that God was a Swede!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The summer band class was just getting under way when a large insect flew into the room. The sixth-graders, eager to play their shiny new instruments, tried to ignore the buzzing intruder, but eventually one student could stand it no more. He rolled up his music book and swatted the insect, then he stomped on it to ensure its fate. "Is it a bee?" another student asked. "Nope," he replied. "It's a bee flat." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Police have nabbed two Japanese men for siphoning off electricity in heists worth less than 1 cent each. A 28-year-old man was caught red-handed by a patrolling police officer last month after unplugging a business's neon sign and using the electricity to recharge his mobile phone. The other culprit, a 22-year-old university student, was giving a street performance when he unplugged a vending machine in order to power his portable stereo. A police officer was alerted after local residents complained about the noise. Police said they could not let the incidents slide, even though the men are believed to have stolen $0.0094 worth of electricity. Both men confessed and have gotten off with reprimands. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ A German has been jailed for declaring his parents dead 40 times in order to get charity hand-outs. The 31-year-old prevailed upon churches and individuals to part with (about $7,300) in total to ease the pain of his mother's or father's "passing," a court spokesman told reporters. He was sentenced to three years in jail for 40 successful acts of fraud. The litany of faked deaths came to an end when a woman he approached for a hand-out was his parents' attorney. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ At Sea World, our grandson absolutely refused to see the show featuring Shamu the killer whale, but he wouldn't tell us why. No amount of discussion could get him to change his mind. Later, when we got home, we discovered the reason for his reluctance. An aunt had told him how exciting the show would be because "...they choose children from the audience to feed Shamu." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A nurse was showing some visitors through the hospital. Pointing to a special section of a ward, a group of young men, she said, "This is the most hazardous place for a nurse. These men are almost well!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "How 'bout that Saddam Hussein? I'm beginning to think the guy's wacky. He announced that if he's found guilty he would like to be shot. Sounds like a job for Cheney." - David Letterman ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This older musician only had moderate success in his field, but he was a wonderful music teacher. One day he had an inspiration and decided he could teach white mice to play classical music. He assembled 16 mice and hand fashioned various instruments for each mouse. He worked hard teaching the mice to play the 1812 Overture. After three years he was ready to expose his symphony orchestra to the world. He was granted an appointment with a famous talent agency, and appeared at their conference room of the Madison Avenue agency. The mice assembled, picked up their little instruments, and proceeded to play the best 1812 Overture ever heard. The conductor mouse took three bows, as did the 1st violinist. The man, seeing his life's greatest achievement, turned to the head of the talent agency, and asked, "So, what do you think of my orchestra, sir?" The agency boss said, "They are the greatest act I've ever seen. You are to be congratulated, but I can't book them, and that's final." The man, with his heart broken asked, "But.. but, WHY can't you book them?" The agency boss said in a whisper, "Because the drummer looks Jewish!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Caught on the Job
The new army recruit was given guard duty at 2 a.m. He did his best for a while, but at about 4 a.m. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him. Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment and looked upward and reverently said, "A-a-a-men!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a MD80 landed The MD80 landed, rolled out, turned around and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the MD80 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with: "I made it out of MD80 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one." &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Shirley's ressypees e-zine We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular recipe, send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca SUBSCRIBE RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& ![]() &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& You can join The Funnies IT'S FREE To subscribe, Click on link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Anthology Of Jesus Many people believed in Jesus right from the He preached to many people all across the God raised Jesus from the dead so he could © Peggy Ann Hardy
**** ON THIS DAY ****
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
By Curt Cavin, The Indianapolis Star INDIANAPOLIS — Sarah Fisher is returning to Indy-car racing but not because Danica Patrick has replaced her as the sport's most popular driver. Fisher wants to race — against anyone and everyone, including Patrick. "I just want to get back on the horse again," Fisher said Thursday after it was confirmed she will drive Dreyer & Reinbold Racing's No. 5 car at next weekend's race at Kentucky Speedway. "I've missed being in a race car." Fisher, 25, hasn't competed in any series since driving a lower-division stock car last October in California. It has been more than two years since she last drove an Indy Racing League machine. She hasn't had a full-time ride of any kind since leaving D&R's Indy car at the end of the 2003 season. D&R has struggled this season with three drivers — Buddy Lazier, Al Unser Jr. and Ryan Briscoe — but Fisher is willing to give the team a chance. It is the team she knows best, having driven 25 races for owners Dennis Reinbold and Robbie Buhl in 2002 and 2003. Fisher is also engaged to one of the team's mechanics, left front tire changer Andy O'Gara, whose father, John, manages the operation. "I know they'll work hard for me, and they'll get me as comfortable as I can be," she said. "I understand it's not a (series-leading) Penske car, but I can't get in a car like that if I'm not out there showing what I can do." Fisher's IRL resume has mixed results. In 2002, she became the first woman to win an Indy-car pole (at Kentucky), and she remains the highest-finishing woman in series history with her second to Sam Hornish Jr. at Homestead-Miami Speedway in 2000. Patrick has finished fourth in a race on four occasions. Fisher still holds the track record at Kentucky with a qualification lap of 221.390 mph, but her 48 starts without a victory stood as the most in IRL history until Vitor Meira passed her (and Davey Hamilton) earlier this season. Fisher made her league debut at the end of the 1999 season. Her most recent race was the 2004 Indianapolis 500. Fisher often struggled off the track when her car wasn't good on it. She admitted Thursday she has changed her outlook, which should give her a better chance to succeed this time around. "Now I'm engaged, I love being around the O'Gara family and I love life," she said. "I'm living life now." Fisher has no guarantees beyond next week's race, although there's a chance she will again drive D&R's car at the IRL's season-ending event at Chicagoland Speedway in September. Briscoe will drive it at the other race, on the road course at Infineon Raceway in Sonoma, Calif. Fisher has had casual talks with both the D&R and Panther Racing teams — plus her primary stock car contact, Richard Childress — about driving next year. But nothing has been settled. "It's all vapor right now; it's not even liquid," she said. "Let's take it one day at a time." Said Buhl: "This is a great way to let people know she's interested in being back in the game again." D&R is hoping to test Fisher next Thursday at Kentucky; her first chance against Patrick will come when Kentucky practice begins on Aug. 12. Fisher said she knows Patrick from a handful of sponsorship functions over the years. They have also seen each other at several IRL races this season. But they don't know each other well. The only other time two women were in the same Indy-car race — in the 2000 Indianapolis 500 — Fisher crashed with Lyn St. James. Said Fisher of Patrick: "We are different people who want to achieve the same results."
Subscribe Today: Home Delivery of USA TODAY - Save 35% **** COUNTRY CALENDAR **** -9- Wyatt "Merle" Kilgore born Chickasha, OK 1934. Worked as Hank Junior's opening act for twenty-one years, prior to taking over as his manager. Bonnie Campbell joined Buck Owens band in 1947, when she was fifteen years old. They were married the following year and she became Bonnie Owens. The "Maumee Valley Jamboree," debuted on WTOD in Toledo, OH 1947. The Stanley Brothers had their first recording session for Mercury 1953. Cathy Fink, singer/guitarist/banjoist, born Baltimore, MD 1953. Jesse Ashlock, age 61, songwriter/fiddle player, "Texas Playboys" died in Austin, TX 1976. Randy Travis' album "Storms Of Life," went to #1 1986. The Father of Bluegrass, Bill Monroe, had double heart bypass surgery 1991. Bobby McBay, age 60, died Texarkana, Texas, in 1998 following a stroke. McBay was a former bass player in Bob Wills' Texas Playboys. Steve Runkle, age 49, singer/songwriter, died in Nashville, TN 2001. Proper Records released Red Foley's album "Tennessee Saturday Night" 2002. Hank Cochran inducted into the Mississippi Musicians Hall of Fame 2003. Sam Hogin, songwriter, twice nominated for the CMA's Song of the Year award, died in Nashville 2004. **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS **** Emmylou Harris Honored by Leadership Music Emmylou Harris has been selected to receive the Dale Franklin Award from Leadership Music, a nonprofit organ- ization providing educational programs for those in the music business. First presented in 2004, the award recognizes "a music industry leader who exemplifies the highest quality of leadership and leading by example," according to a press release. The invitation-only event will take place Sept. 19 at the new Schermerhorn Symphony Center, across the street from the Country Music Hall of Fame and Museum in downtown Nashville. More Cross Country, Trick My Truck on CMT Merle Haggard and George Jones are scheduled to tape an episode of the new series, CMT Cross Country, on Wednesday (Aug. 9) in Nashville. No air date has been announced. The two Country Music Hall of Fame members are releasing a duets album on Oct. 24. ... In addition, the Chrome Shop Mafia return to CMT on Trick My Truck: Ultimate Tailgating Edition, as the team turns an International CXT and Fleetwood camper into a party vehicle called the Tail Gator. The one-hour special debuts Aug. 25 at 8 p.m. ET/PT. ![]() **** Amy's Kitchen **** "Hash Brown
Omelet" In a medium nonstick skillet, cook bacon crisp.
Remove bacon; crumble and set aside. Add potatoes, onion and green pepper to
drippings. Cook and stir over medium heat for 7-10 minutes or until potatoes are
browned and vegetables are tender.
In a bowl, beat eggs, milk, salt and pepper; pour over potatoes. Sprinkle with cheese and bacon. Cover and cook over medium-low heat for 10-15 minutes or until eggs are set. Do Not stir. Fold in half. "Cantaloupe Cream Pie" 1 c Sugar
2 tb Flour, all-purpose 3 Egg; beaten 1 c Cantaloupe; pureed 1 t Vanilla extract 2 tb Butter (or marg.) 1 Pastry shell; 8", baked 1 c Whipping cream; whipped Combine sugar and flour in a saucepan; add eggs, mixing well. Stir in cantaloupe puree. Cook over medium heat 8 to 10 minutes, stirring constantly, until mixture boils and thickens. Remove from heat, and stir in vanilla and butter. Cool. Pour filling into pastry shell; spread evenly with whipped cream. Chill. **** TODAY'S USELESS FACT **** What are you
supposed to do with the wine cork at a restaurant? You know the kids are growing up when your daughter begins to put on lipstick and your son starts to wipe it off. LAST CALL Y'ALLI hadn't seen my family
for some time and, feeling especially nostalgic, I was looking forward to this
visit. Most of all I wanted to see my grandparents, who were getting on in
years. On my second day, my sister and I took my maternal grandma out for lunch.
At one point Grandma suddenly turned to me and said: "I'm glad I got the chance
to see you, dear. I'm not going to be around much longer, you know."
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