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Subject: The Daily Funnies - August09, 2006




From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.

Welcome to T
he Funnies
"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
These  are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for  younger readers - PG

Welcome New Subscribers
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us.
Heaven Help Them

Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser


WEDNESDAY AUGUST 9,2006


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: If you spend all of your time looking
back  at yesterday, you are destined to trip over tomorrow. ~ Unknow




 guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. 
I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want 
for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, 
"Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time 
lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: 
"Paint…my…house."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter 
the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that 
he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain 
and anxiety on his face.

"Sir," she said, "the ladies room is unoccupied. You may use it only if 
you promise not to touch the buttons on the wall."

He was about to explode, and would have promised anything, so he agreed 
to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savouring 
the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three 
white buttons were identified with the letters: WW, WA and PP, and 
there was one red button labeled ATR.

Who would really know if he touched them? He could not just sit there 
and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed thw WW button. Warm 
Water was sprayed gently on his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over 
him, the men's washroom didn't have nice things like this. Anticipating 
even greater pleasure, he pressed the WA button.

Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently 
drying his underside.He knew what he was going to do when the warm air 
stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the PP button. A large 
Powder Puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant smell of spring 
flowers to his unbelievable pleasure.

The ladies room was far more than a restroom, it was a place of tender 
loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When 
it did he pressed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!

He knew he was in the hospital room as soon as he opened his eyes. A 
nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened? 
How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies 
restroom!"

"You pushed too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded 
to a grin. "That last button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were 
shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall 
coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"

"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed 
down. '"We weren't making love."

"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were." 
Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled 
the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see 
for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. The 
husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like 
they're making love down there!"
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an 
animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at 
first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men 
say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come 
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee 
twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. 
"In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex 
lives.........

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a 
justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Bad Days

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil 
spill in Alaska was $80, 000. At a special ceremony, two of the most 
expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers 
and
applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both 
eaten by a killer whale.


2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a 
carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After 
weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe 
leaving her mentally retarded.


3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world 
flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came
down eight hours short of the 400-day record, his sponsor had gone 
bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had 
been cut off.


4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking 
frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards 
the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly 
current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, 
breaking his arm in two places.
Until that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.


5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending 
pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly the
pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and 
stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And finally...


6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a 
letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. 
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now! Your day's not so bad, is it?

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

A guy walks into a dentist's office and flops right down on the couch.

"Doc", he says, "Here's the problem. I think I'm a moth"

"Well", says the doctor, "That certainly is a problem, but why did you 
come into a dentist's office?"

"The light was on."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>><>
I hadn't seen my family for some time and, feeling especially 
nostalgic, I was looking forward to this visit. Most of all I wanted to 
see my grandparents, who were getting on in years. On my second day, my 
sister and I took my maternal grandma out for lunch. At one point 
Grandma suddenly turned to me and said: "I'm glad I got the chance to 
see you, dear. I'm not going to be around much longer, you know."

"Oh, Grandma!" I protested, close to tears. "Of course you are!" I 
grasped her hand and held it tenderly.

"No, I'm not," Grandma repeated excitedly. "I leave for Las Vegas in 
three days!"
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>><>
Several years ago I was at a computer show demoing software. The 
audience was comprised of retired school teachers. I explained how to 
use the mouse to point to things on the screen. As I walked around the 
room making sure everyone was doing ok, I saw one woman holding her 
mouse to the Mac's monitor moving the mouse around on the screen.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
I work for an ISP. One day a woman called, furious.

Customer: "I bought the Internet the other day, and it ain't workin'."

Tech Support: "Well, ma'am, can you explain what's happening?"

Customer: "Well, I called that number that you gave me, and it don't do 
nothing."

Tech Support: "What do you mean?"

Customer: "When I call it, all it does is squeal in my ear!" Silence.

Tech Support: "Ma'am, do you have a computer?"

Customer: "Computer? Hell, I pay you twenty dollars a month! I don't 
need a computer!"
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Tech Support: "May I ask the reason you are cancelling our service?"

Customer: "Yeah, I just moved, and the phone jack in my new house is 
too far away from the computer."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A user who is attempting to dial in from home calls in for help. 
Nothing works. No matter what communications port he tries, no matter 
how he sets up his software, nothing works. This goes on for most of a 
day, as the user calls, is given something to try, tries it, calls 
back, is given something else to try, etc.

Finally, on about the eleventh call, the intrepid support person hears 
some odd noises, and asks out of simple curiosity what they are.

Customer: "Oh, that's traffic outside the phone booth."

Tech Support: "Phone booth?"

Customer: "Yeah, I don't have a phone in my apartment, so I'm calling 
from the phone booth on the corner."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
A visitor who called on Pennsylvania congressman Thaddeus Stevens 
(1792-1868) during his last illness remarked on the patient's 
appearance. "It's not my appearance that troubles me right now," 
Stevens replied. "It's my disappearance."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
A father was playing with his daughter when the little one said: "Dad, 
I read in school that animals get a new fur coat every winter."

"Quiet!" retorted the father. "Your mother is in the next room!"

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
On your birthday, I am giving you two pieces of advice. One, forget 
about the past, you cannot change it. Two, forget about the present, I 
didn't get you one.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

One of our patients wasn't taking any chances. Prior to her operation, 
she taped notes to her body for the surgeon... "Take your time," "Don't 
cut yourself," "No need to rush," "Wash your hands..."

After surgery, as I helped the patient back into her bed, we discovered 
a new note taped to her, this one from the doctor, "Has anyone seen my 
wristwatch?"
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>><>
That;s it for this time around .... hope you had fun.  Feel free to 
pass these on to that special someone.  But, always remember:

"Death is a challenge. It tells us not to waste time. It tells us to 
tell each other right now that we love each other." (Leo Buscaglia)
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Have a Great Day!!!  The Ole fritzbear!!!!

"Dear Milkman"
 
"Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one."
 
"Please leave an extra pint of paralyzed milk."
 
"Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it"
 
"Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk."
 
"Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks."
 
"Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round."
 
"When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you 'to give me a hand to turn the mattress."
 
My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle."
 
"Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbor told me."
 
"Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it."
 
"From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk."
 
My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table, because we want to play bingo tonight."
 
"Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday or is it today?"
 
"When you come with the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't leave any milk."
 
"No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Modern Version of the Birds and the Bees"
 
A little boy goes to his father and asks,
"Daddy, how was I born?"
 
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one
day you will need to find out anyway! Your
Mom and I first got together in a chat room
on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail
with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where
your mother agreed to a download from
my hard drive.
 
As soon as I was ready to upload, we
discovered that neither one of us had used
a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the
delete button, nine months later a little
Pop-Up appeared that said:
 
You got Male.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In 1875 a Danish couple converted to became Mormons and moved to Cache
Valley Utah. They set up a farm in Rural Providence, Utah, and were
self-sufficient for a couple of years. By the third year, the husband
decided to take a second wife, as Mormons of the time did. His wife was
not too keen on the idea, so he convinced a Swedish neighbor to help in
a plan to convince her.
"Let us go to the barn, and pray for guidance on this major
decision," said the husband. "Whatever God tells us, that's what we'll
do."
They went to the barn, got on their knees, and old farmer Madsen
started with the usual openings to Mormon prayers. After a few minutes
of this, he posed the question: "Heavenly Father, should I take another
wife?"
Farmer Olson was in the rafters, as previously had been
arranged, and in the most booming, deep voice he could muster, said
"Brother Madsen, I command thee to take another wife."
After a moment, farmer Madsen looked over to his wife, and saw
that she was sobbing uncontrollably. He put his arm around her, and
said, "There there, a second wife will be an addition to the family, but
she will never be a replacement for you. I'll still love you just as
much."
Mrs. Madsen said "I have no problem with you taking a second
wife, I've been resigned to that for a year now. But in my worst
nightmare, I NEVER imagined that God was a Swede!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The summer band class was just getting under way when a large
insect flew into the room. The sixth-graders, eager to play their shiny
new instruments, tried to ignore the buzzing intruder, but eventually
one student could stand it no more.
He rolled up his music book and swatted the insect, then he
stomped on it to ensure its fate. "Is it a bee?" another student asked.
"Nope," he replied. "It's a bee flat."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Police have nabbed two Japanese men for siphoning off electricity in
heists worth less than 1 cent each.
A 28-year-old man was caught red-handed by a patrolling police
officer last month after unplugging a business's neon sign and using the
electricity to recharge his mobile phone.
The other culprit, a 22-year-old university student, was giving
a street performance when he unplugged a vending machine in order to
power his portable stereo. A police officer was alerted after local
residents complained about the noise.
Police said they could not let the incidents slide, even though
the men are believed to have stolen $0.0094 worth of electricity.
Both men confessed and have gotten off with reprimands.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A German has been jailed for declaring his parents dead 40 times
in order to get charity hand-outs. The 31-year-old prevailed upon
churches and individuals to part with (about $7,300) in total to ease
the pain of his mother's or father's "passing," a court spokesman told
reporters.
He was sentenced to three years in jail for 40 successful acts
of fraud. The litany of faked deaths came to an end when a woman he
approached for a hand-out was his parents' attorney.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At Sea World, our grandson absolutely refused to see the show
featuring Shamu the killer whale, but he wouldn't tell us why. No
amount of discussion could get him to change his mind.
Later, when we got home, we discovered the reason for his
reluctance. An aunt had told him how exciting the show would be because
"...they choose children from the audience to feed Shamu."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A nurse was showing some visitors through the hospital. Pointing to a special section of a ward, a group of young men, she said, "This is the most hazardous place for a nurse. These men are almost well!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"How 'bout that Saddam Hussein? I'm beginning to think the guy's wacky. He announced that if he's found guilty he would like to be shot. Sounds like a job for Cheney." - David Letterman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This older musician only had
moderate success in his field,
but he was a wonderful music teacher.
One day he had an inspiration and
decided he could teach white mice to
play classical music.

He assembled 16 mice and hand
fashioned various instruments for
each mouse.

He worked hard teaching the mice
to play the 1812 Overture.

After three years he was ready to
expose his symphony orchestra to
the world.

He was granted an appointment with
a famous talent agency, and appeared
at their conference room of the
Madison Avenue agency.

The mice assembled, picked up their
little instruments, and
proceeded to play the best
1812 Overture ever heard.

The conductor mouse took three bows,
as did the 1st violinist.

The man, seeing his life's greatest achievement,
turned to the head of the talent agency,
and asked, "So, what do you think
of my orchestra, sir?"

The agency boss said, "They are the greatest
act I've ever seen. You are to be congratulated,
but I can't book them, and that's final."

The man, with his heart broken asked,
"But.. but, WHY can't you book them?"

The agency boss said in a whisper,
"Because the drummer looks Jewish!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Caught on the Job

The new army recruit was given guard duty at 2 a.m. He did his best for
a while, but at about 4 a.m. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the
officer of the day standing before him.

Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart
young man kept his head bowed for another moment and looked upward and
reverently said, "A-a-a-men!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
  •  
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to
hold short of the runway while a MD80 landed The MD80 landed, rolled
out, turned around and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the MD80 crew got on the radio and
said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by,
came back with: "I made it out of MD80 parts. Another landing like that
and I'll have enough parts for another one."

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recipe,
send your request to:
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**** HEALTH NEWS ****

 YOUTH WITH PSYCHIATRIC DISORDERS VULNERABLE  

U.S. adolescents hospitalized for psychiatric disorders are  
more likely to report higher levels of emotional distress as  
adults. The study, published in the Archives of Pediatrics &  
Adolescent Medicine, finds that adolescent psychiatric ill-  
ness is associated with later psychological difficulties,  
family and parental stress and lost economic and educational  
opportunity. At 25 years of age, the psychiatrically  
hospitalized youths reported significantly higher emotional  
distress and were less likely to graduate from high school  
and complete college. "The study documents the continued  
vulnerability of maturing youths and suggests a need for  
mental health services to minimize later emotional distress  
and mortality into mid-adulthood," the University of  
California, Los Angeles researchers conclude.   

SOCIAL CONTACT SPEEDS UP HEALING  

An Ohio State University study finds that companionship  
helps wounds to heal faster. Skin wounds healed nearly  
twice as fast in hamsters paired with a sibling, reports  
the study published in Psychoneuroendocrinology. In  
addition, animals paired with a sibling also produced  
less of the stress hormone cortisol -- stress delays  
wound healing in humans and other animals. "The problem  
lies in how long it takes a wound to heal," says study  
leader Courtney DeVries. "This can spell trouble for  
diabetics and people who are otherwise immunocompromised,  
such as cancer or AIDS patients. But having a companion  
may help wounds heal faster during stressful times."   

Treatment for drug-resistant HIV developed  

WEST LAFAYETTE, Ind., -- The U.S. Food and Drug Administra-  
tion has approved the first treatment for drug-resistant  
human immunodeficiency viruses. The approval followed  
development by a Purdue University researcher of a molecule  
that resulted in the pill-based therapy. "There are many  
treatments for AIDS on the market, but none are able to com-  
bat drug resistance," said Arun Ghosh, a professor with a  
dual appointment in the departments of chemistry and  
molecular pharmacology. Ghosh's molecule, TMC-114 -- also  
known as Darunavir -- was approved for medical use and is  
expected to be available to physicians this year. Earlier  
research showed nearly half of HIV patients who initially  
respond to treatment develop drug-resistant strains and  
stop responding within eight to 10 months, he said. This  
year marks the 25th anniversary of the first reported U.S.  
cases of AIDS, an HIV-caused disease that claims the lives  
of more than 15,000 Americans each year. The World Health  
Organization estimates more than 40 million people world-  
wide are infected with HIV. The research will be detailed  
in the Aug. 24 issue of the Journal of Medicinal Chemistry  
and is currently available at the journal's Web site.  



**** Reader's Submissions ****

Anthology Of Jesus


Many people believed in Jesus right from the
very start. Others only ridiculed Him and
refused to open their hearts.



He preached to many people all across the
land. He made the lame walk again just by
holding out His hand.

Jesus walked on water and made the blind see
once again. He was their Saviour, and a fisher
of all men.

One day God told Him that it was time for
Him to part. God knew that by His Son's
spilled blood, we could cleanse our sin
filled hearts.

They hung His body on the cross and laid
thorns upon His head, Mary stood there
watching as they pronounced her son, dead.

God raised Jesus from the dead so he could
be eternally by His side. By doing this, He
is now known, by nations far and wide.

© Peggy Ann Hardy

Ruthie


**** ON THIS DAY ****


**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!

 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****

Tire gamble helps Earnhardt Jr. play catch-up
Defining move for Dale Jr.

Fisher gets IRL deal to drive at
Kentucky

By Curt Cavin, The Indianapolis Star

INDIANAPOLIS — Sarah Fisher is returning to Indy-car racing but not because Danica Patrick has replaced her as the sport's most popular driver.

Fisher wants to race — against anyone and everyone, including Patrick.

"I just want to get back on the horse again," Fisher said Thursday after it was confirmed she will drive Dreyer & Reinbold Racing's No. 5 car at next weekend's race at Kentucky Speedway. "I've missed being in a race car."

Fisher, 25, hasn't competed in any series since driving a lower-division stock car last October in California. It has been more than two years since she last drove an Indy Racing League machine. She hasn't had a full-time ride of any kind since leaving D&R's Indy car at the end of the 2003 season.

D&R has struggled this season with three drivers — Buddy Lazier, Al Unser Jr. and Ryan Briscoe — but Fisher is willing to give the team a chance.

It is the team she knows best, having driven 25 races for owners Dennis Reinbold and Robbie Buhl in 2002 and 2003. Fisher is also engaged to one of the team's mechanics, left front tire changer Andy O'Gara, whose father, John, manages the operation.

"I know they'll work hard for me, and they'll get me as comfortable as I can be," she said. "I understand it's not a (series-leading) Penske car, but I can't get in a car like that if I'm not out there showing what I can do."

Fisher's IRL resume has mixed results.

In 2002, she became the first woman to win an Indy-car pole (at Kentucky), and she remains the highest-finishing woman in series history with her second to Sam Hornish Jr. at Homestead-Miami Speedway in 2000. Patrick has finished fourth in a race on four occasions.

Fisher still holds the track record at Kentucky with a qualification lap of 221.390 mph, but her 48 starts without a victory stood as the most in IRL history until Vitor Meira passed her (and Davey Hamilton) earlier this season.

Fisher made her league debut at the end of the 1999 season. Her most recent race was the 2004 Indianapolis 500.

Fisher often struggled off the track when her car wasn't good on it. She admitted Thursday she has changed her outlook, which should give her a better chance to succeed this time around.

"Now I'm engaged, I love being around the O'Gara family and I love life," she said. "I'm living life now."

Fisher has no guarantees beyond next week's race, although there's a chance she will again drive D&R's car at the IRL's season-ending event at Chicagoland Speedway in September. Briscoe will drive it at the other race, on the road course at Infineon Raceway in Sonoma, Calif.

Fisher has had casual talks with both the D&R and Panther Racing teams — plus her primary stock car contact, Richard Childress — about driving next year. But nothing has been settled.

"It's all vapor right now; it's not even liquid," she said. "Let's take it one day at a time."

Said Buhl: "This is a great way to let people know she's interested in being back in the game again."

D&R is hoping to test Fisher next Thursday at Kentucky; her first chance against Patrick will come when Kentucky practice begins on Aug. 12.

Fisher said she knows Patrick from a handful of sponsorship functions over the years. They have also seen each other at several IRL races this season. But they don't know each other well.

The only other time two women were in the same Indy-car race — in the 2000 Indianapolis 500 — Fisher crashed with Lyn St. James.

Said Fisher of Patrick: "We are different people who want to achieve the same results."


Elliott to sit in for Mayfield
Former NASCAR champ will drive No. 19 Dodge at Watkins Glen.
Villeneuve hits skids
BMW-Sauber F1 team parts ways with former series champion.
Steady as Stewart goes
Last year's Brickyard winner stays cool in eighth-place effort.

Subscribe Today: Home Delivery of USA TODAY - Save 35%

**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****

-9-

Wyatt "Merle" Kilgore born Chickasha, OK 1934. Worked as Hank Junior's opening act for twenty-one years, prior to taking over as his manager.

Bonnie Campbell joined Buck Owens band in 1947, when she was fifteen years old. They were married the following year and she became Bonnie Owens.

The "Maumee Valley Jamboree," debuted on WTOD in Toledo, OH 1947.

The Stanley Brothers had their first recording session for Mercury 1953.

Cathy Fink, singer/guitarist/banjoist, born Baltimore, MD 1953.

Jesse Ashlock, age 61, songwriter/fiddle player, "Texas Playboys" died in Austin, TX 1976.

Randy Travis' album "Storms Of Life," went to #1 1986.

The Father of Bluegrass, Bill Monroe, had double heart bypass surgery 1991.

Bobby McBay, age 60, died Texarkana, Texas, in 1998 following a stroke. McBay was a

former bass player in Bob Wills' Texas Playboys.

Steve Runkle, age 49, singer/songwriter, died in Nashville, TN 2001.

Proper Records released Red Foley's album "Tennessee Saturday Night" 2002.

Hank Cochran inducted into the Mississippi Musicians Hall of Fame 2003.

Sam Hogin, songwriter, twice nominated for the CMA's Song of the Year award, died in Nashville 2004.




 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

Emmylou Harris Honored by Leadership Music  

Emmylou Harris has been selected to receive the Dale  
Franklin Award from Leadership Music, a nonprofit organ-  
ization providing educational programs for those in the  
music business. First presented in 2004, the award  
recognizes "a music industry leader who exemplifies the  
highest quality of leadership and leading by example,"  
according to a press release. The invitation-only event  
will take place Sept. 19 at the new Schermerhorn Symphony  
Center, across the street from the Country Music Hall of  
Fame and Museum in downtown Nashville.   
 


More Cross Country, Trick My Truck on CMT
  

Merle Haggard and George Jones are scheduled to tape an  
episode of the new series, CMT Cross Country, on Wednesday  
(Aug. 9) in Nashville. No air date has been announced. The  
two Country Music Hall of Fame members are releasing a  
duets album on Oct. 24. ... In addition, the Chrome Shop  
Mafia return to CMT on Trick My Truck: Ultimate Tailgating  
Edition, as the team turns an International CXT and  
Fleetwood camper into a party vehicle called the Tail  
Gator. The one-hour special debuts Aug. 25 at 8 p.m.  
ET/PT.  




**** Amy's Kitchen ****  

  "Hash Brown Omelet"
 
4 bacon strips
2 cups frozen shredded hash brown potatoes
1/4 cup chopped onion
1/4 cup chopped green pepper
4 eggs, lightly beaten
1/4 cup milk
1/2 teaspoon salt
Dash pepper
1 cup (4 ounces) shredded sharp cheddar cheese

 
In a medium nonstick skillet, cook bacon crisp. Remove bacon; crumble and set aside. Add potatoes, onion and green pepper to drippings. Cook and stir over medium heat for 7-10 minutes or until potatoes are browned and vegetables are tender. 
In a bowl, beat eggs, milk, salt and pepper; pour over potatoes. Sprinkle with cheese and bacon. Cover and cook over medium-low heat for 10-15 minutes or until eggs are set. Do Not stir. Fold in half.


"Cantaloupe Cream Pie"
 
1 c Sugar
2 tb Flour, all-purpose
3 Egg; beaten
1 c Cantaloupe; pureed
1 t Vanilla extract
2 tb Butter (or marg.)
1 Pastry shell; 8", baked
1 c Whipping cream; whipped
 
 
Combine sugar and flour in a saucepan; add eggs, mixing well. Stir in cantaloupe puree. Cook over medium heat 8 to 10 minutes, stirring constantly, until mixture boils and thickens. Remove from heat, and stir in vanilla and butter. Cool.
Pour filling into pastry shell; spread evenly with whipped cream. Chill.
 

**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

What are you supposed to do with the wine cork at a restaurant?

Well, whatever you do, don't eat it. The rest of your party might suspect you don't get out much. To be honest, we always assumed we were supposed to give the cork a hearty sniff, but that's actually not the case. According to several sources, sniffing the cork proves you're a novice. Nobody is sure how this pretentious practice even began. There is absolutely nothing you can tell about wine from smelling the cork. OK, but why does the waiter put it on the table?

It mainly has to do with tradition. The patron is supposed to confirm that the label on the cork matches the one on the bottle. If they don't match, you may be dealing with a less-than- reputable restaurant. You should also make sure the end is wet. That's a sign the wine was stored properly. Of course, too much analysis can make you look like kind of a dork. If you're the evening's host, we recommend taking a small sip from your wineglass instead. Unless it causes a gag reflex, drink up and be merry.

Side note: Many argue that screw tops are actually superior to corks because they keep the wine fresher. Alas, perhaps due to their long association with "lower-end" wines like Chateau de Mad Dog, the screw top isn't widely used (though it is making progress).




****A PARTING THOUGHT ****

You know the kids are growing up when your daughter begins to put on lipstick and your son starts to wipe it off.

LAST CALL Y'ALL

I hadn't seen my family for some time and, feeling especially nostalgic, I was looking forward to this visit. Most of all I wanted to see my grandparents, who were getting on in years. On my second day, my sister and I took my maternal grandma out for lunch. At one point Grandma suddenly turned to me and said: "I'm glad I got the chance to see you, dear. I'm not going to be around much longer, you know."

"Oh, Grandma!" I protested, close to tears. "Of course you are!" I grasped her hand and held it tenderly.

"No, I'm not," Grandma repeated excitedly. "I leave for Las Vegas in three days!"



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