From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.

Welcome to The Funnies

Welcome New Subscribers
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

TGIF
FRIDAY AUGUST 11,2006


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: "Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian." --Dennis Wholey  

"In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the  
class clown. The difference is, the class clown is the guy  
who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian  
is the guy who talked him into it." --Billy Crystal
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"A Washington state supreme court has ruled it's illegal  
for a parent to eavesdrop on their children's phone con-  
versations without their consent. So the state is telling  
parents they can't listen to "their" kids on the phone  
they pay for. And of course, once the kid commits a crime,  
who does the state blame? The parents." --Jay Leno 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Coming out of the supermarket the other day, I saw a scary  
sight. As a woman loaded groceries into her trunk, her  
shopping cart began to roll away. The scary part? It was  
heading straight for my car.  

She ran after it, but was too late...the cart slammed into  
my driver's side door. "How bad's the damage?" I called out,  
running toward her.  

"Bad," she said, gathering her groceries. "I broke at least  
a dozen eggs."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just a few weeks after taking a job as a security guard, my husband announced that he had been fired. He explained that he'd fallen asleep at this desk and someone broke into the building.

"But you're such a light sleeper," I said. "I'm surprised the sound of the guy breaking in didn't wake you up."

"I didn't get fired for falling asleep," he confessed, "I was fired for wearing my earplugs."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"In a speech yesterday, President Bush told the Iraqi people to 'get governin'. Then he introduced his new speech writer, Larry the Cable Guy." --Conan O'Brien
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When the famous politician and orator William Jennings Bryan  
(1860-1925) was a young man, he went to the home of the  
father of his prospective wife to ask him for her hand in  
marriage. Bryan was determined to impress the father by  
quoting from the Bible, and he chose Proverbs 18:22: "He who  
finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the  
LORD."  

Bryan was unnerved when the father replied by quoting Paul:  
"So then he that giveth her in marriage doeth well; but he  
that giveth her not in marriage doeth better."  
(1 Corinthians 7:38)  

Bryan, never at a loss for words, said: "Yes, but Paul had  
no wife and Solomon had 700. Therefore, I believe Solomon  
ought to be the better judge as to marriage."   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We had made arrangements with our friend Bruce to send us directions to his new house on our newly installed fax machine. At the appointed time we sat in front of the computer. The phone rang but, not wanting to interfere with the fax machine, we didn't answer. For some reason there was no message from Bruce. Again the phone rang and rang. Finally the computer indicated that a fax had been received. "Turn off the fax and answer the phone! I need to talk to you." It was signed "Bruce."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I'm walking to work up Sixth Avenue and I see one of those mime performers. The mime is doing that famous routine where he's pretending to be trapped in a box. So I stand there and watch the mime pretend to be trapped in a box.

He finishes up, and, thank goodness, he wasn't really trapped in a box. I see on the sidewalk that he''s got a little hat for money - --change, tips, contributions.

So I went over and pretended to put a dollar bill in his hat."

David Letterman 
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We took our seats in the movie theater, sat back, and waited for the picture to begin. However, fate was against us. A couple sat down in the seats directly in front of us. Both were tall, but the man was immense. His shoulders, blocked out completely my wife's view of the screen. After straining to find a view to the left or the right, my wife tapped the lady in front and said, "Could you bend him in half?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A resident carrying several packages got off the elevator at the condominium complex where I work and came over to my desk mumbling something. I said I couldn't understand him. He put down his parcels, removed the keys clenched between his teeth and said: "Has anyone turned in any keys? I can't find mine."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On an airplane, I overheard a stewardess talking to an elderly couple in
front of me. Learning that it was the couple's 50th wedding anniversary,
the flight attendant congratulated them and asked how they had done it.

"It all felt like five minutes..." the gentleman said slowly. The
stewardess had just begun to remark on what a sweet statement that was
when he finished his sentence with a word that earned him a sharp smack
on the head: "..underwater."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My friend's husband always teases her about her lack of interest in
household chores. One day he came home with a gag gift, a refrigerator
magnet that read: "Martha Stewart doesn't live here."

The next day he came home to find the magnet holding up a
slip of paper. The note read:
"Neither does Bob Vila."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided
as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the
Associated Press.
Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied,
astonished, astounded, mesmerized....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice
comes over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat
belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are
trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water".

"Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below?" asks a little
old lady, terrified.

"Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel
in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies
like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs".

"And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me any more?" asks the little
lady.

"Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won't enjoy it so much".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
   
**** Quickies ****
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end." --Jerry Seinfeld
~
"At 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six words I wanted all my life to hear: 'My dad owns a liquor store.'" --Mark Klein
~
According to a new medical study, it's healthier for a wife to get angry at her husband than to keep it all inside, which can lead to disease. So guys when the wife runs you over with the SUV, she's just trying to live a healthier lifestyle."
~
I'm a pseudo-vegetarian. I only eat animals that only eat vegetables.
~The teacher was telling the class how great our political process was, saying. "This is the best country. Anybody in this room could grow up and become President of the United States. You all have a chance."

Little Teddy, a black boy, said, "I'll sell you mine for a quarter!"
~
Taxpayers' money, in the amount of $121,000 was spent in a scientific study to find out why people say "ain't"
~
Walmart is planning on opening fifty new stores in areas that are blighted. Ironically, the official definition of blighted is what happens to an area when Walmart opens a store nearby. (Barach)
~
I'm in favor of the daytime soap operas. If it weren't for them, millions of women would be out driving cars!"
~
Hey guys, has she ever really forgiven you?

Her eyes say, "Maybe," but the lighter fluid in your hair and the match in her hand say, "Not really."

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**** HEALTH NEWS ****

MANY EYE INJURIES COULD BE AVOIDED  

A study by U.S. researchers finds most work-related trau-  
matic eye injuries -- some resulting in blindness --  
involve young construction workers. Ophthalmologists at  
the University of Texas at Southwestern Medical Center in  
Dallas say many of the injuries were caused by failure to  
wear protective eyewear, such as safety glasses or goggles  
with polycarbonate lenses that help prevent most work-  
related eye injuries. "These are the most preventable  
injuries," says study author Dr. Preston Blomquist.  
"Educating employers and blue-collar workers, especially  
young Latino men in high-risk occupations, on the  
importance of eye protection -- in English and Spanish --  
could help reduce ocular injury."   

VENTILATION SYSTEM PERFORMANCE NEEDS MAINTENANCE  

U.S. employees suffering respiratory problems at work might  
request that the building's landlord check the performance  
of the ventilation system. A National Institute of Standards  
and Technology analysis of a recent Environmental Protection  
Agency survey of 100 representative U.S. public and  
commercial buildings finds that actual post-construction  
ventilation conditions are often different than expected  
based on the building design. The NIST researchers say the  
differences between actual versus predicted ventilation rates  
also argue for subsequent regular maintenance checks.   

TIPS TO AVOID MIGRAINE IN WOMEN  

The American Council for Headache Education, known as ACHE,  
is helping U.S. women avoid migraines linked to the  
menstrual cycle. The patient Education Page, published in  
the journal Headache, includes concise information that is  
useful for both patients and physicians. It provides  
migraine definitions, advise on what to do, and various  
therapies -- sufferers are encouraged to keep a calendar to  
track menstruation and migraine headaches, while avoiding  
triggers, such as lack of sleep, alcohol or skipping meals.  
Examples for treatment are provided including information  
on various medications such as triptans or nonsteroidal  
anti-inflammatory drugs, such as aspirin.  

**** Reader's Submissions ****

**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
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Subject Line--- The Funnies
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 **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****

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Elliott a Glen stopgap

Evernham team scratching for answers with road course next.

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Sprint-car driver killed

Steve King dies after crash in Knoxville Nationals preliminary.

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IRL tradition renewed

Notes: Milwaukee to follow Indy 500 on series' 2007 schedule.

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