WELCOME BACK FRED
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First off we have to ask ... is it possiblel Eliza Doolittle has now 
turned 69?  Anywho, here is something I am certain you will get a good 
laugh!!!

To commemorate her 69th birthday, actress/vocalist Julie Andrews made a 
special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit 
of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite 
Things" from the legendary movie, "The Sound Of Music."

    However, the lyrics of the song were deliberately changed for the 
entertainment of her "blue hair" audience. Here are the lyrics she 
recited:

    Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
    Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
    Bundles of magazines tied up in string, These
    are a few of my favorite things.

    Cadillacs, cataracts, open back "dresses",
   Polident,Fixodent, false teeth in glasses,
   Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
   These are a few of my favorite things.

    When the pipes leak,
    When the bones creak,
    When the knees go bad
    I simply remember my favorite things,
    And then I don't feel so bad.

    Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
   No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
   Bathrobes and heat pads andhot meals they bring,
   These are a few of my favorite things.

    Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin',
    Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
   And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
   When we remember our favorite things.

    When the joints ache,
    When the hips break,
    When the eyes grow dim,
    It's then I remember the great life I've had, And then
    I don't feel so bad.
   =============================================
    Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd
    that lasted over four minutes, and repeated encores.
  
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This is not really a Daily Funny --- But I can assure you a few choice 
smiles or giggles.  Who knows, you might even shed  a tear or two.  My 
sincere appreciation to Gene in New Mexico.

Slow down for three minutes to read this.

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 
year-olds, "What does love mean?"
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have 
imagined. See what you think:  _____

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint 
her toenails anymore.

So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got 
arthritis too. That's love."

Rebecca- age 8

   _____

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.

You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."

Billy - age 4

   _____

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne 
and they go out and smell each other."

Karl - age 5

   _____

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French 
fries without making them give you any of theirs."

Chrissy - age 6

   _____

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."

Terri - age 4

   _____

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip 
before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

Danny - age 7

   _____

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of 
kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
My Mommy and D addy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"

Emily - age 8

   _____

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening 
presents and listen."

Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

   _____

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend 
who you hate,"

Nikka - age 6

(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

   _____

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it 
everyday."

Noelle - age 7

   _____

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still 
friends even after they know each other so well."

Tommy - age 6

   _____

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked 
at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.

He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."

Cindy - age 8

   _____

"My mommy loves me more than anybody .

You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."

Clare - age 6

   _____

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."

Elaine-age 5

   _____

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is 
handsomer than Brad Pitt "

Chris - age 7

   _____

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone 
all day."

Mary Ann - age 4

   _____

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old 
clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

Lauren - age 4

   _____

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars 
come out of you." (what an image)

Karen - age 7

   _____

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you 
mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

Jessica - age 8

   _____

And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked 
about a contest he was asked to judge.

The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an 
elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's 
yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy 
said,

"Nothing, I just helped him cry"

   _____

When there is nothing left but God, that is when you find out that God 
is all you need.
  
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One day every month our local supermarket gives senior citizens a 
ten-percent discount on their purchases. On that day the line-ups can 
be long and slow. One day the line seemed slower than usual, and the 
man ahead of me was not very happy when he reached the checkout. When 
the cashier asked him if he was a senior citizen, the man replied, 
"Well, I wasn't when I got in line, but I am now."
  
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One October my wife and I spent a vacation on Washington's Olympic 
Peninsula. We were eager to visit the rain forests near the coast, but 
we heard that snow slides had made some of the roads impassable. 
Although apprehensive about the conditions we might run into, we drove 
on. Sure enough, we had gone only a short way up the High Rain Forest 
Road when we saw a sign: "Ice 10 miles."

Five miles farther on there was another: "Ice 5 miles."

The next one was: "Ice 1/2 mile." We practically crept that half-mile.

Then we came to the last sign. It was outside a small grocery store, 
and it read: "Ice 75 cents."

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One fellow recently made an alimony settlement. He and his wife split 
the house. He got the outside.
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"You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to." (Henny 
Youngman)
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An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential 
customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two 
thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.

"Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to 
stop them."

"Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at 
exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return 
from their break.

When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, 
"Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?"

"Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that 
whistle?"

 
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I was calling the Internal Revenue Service to discuss a matter on behalf 
of a client with my client on the line, too. When we were being 
transferred from one representative to a "specialist" there was music 
on hold in the background. It was the "Waltz of the Flowers" by 
Tchaikovsky.

I had to comment to my client about the appropriateness of IRS playing 
music from "The Nutcracker".
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I married my wife for her looks...

but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

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Everyone jumped to pick the phone up when it rang. My brother was 
calling to announce the birth of his first child. My parents and I 
rushed to the hospital and met Christopher outside the maternity ward. 
"You've got to see the new baby!" he gushed. "He's gorgeous!" At the 
entrance to the nursery, Christopher stopped to read the notice on the 
door. His face fell. "Only you can go in, Mom and Dad," he said, 
crestfallen. "I have to stay out here. The sign says PARENTS ONLY 
ADMITTED."

My father roared with laughter. "You are the parent!" he told the new 
father.


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George Raft acquired and disposed of about ten million dollars in the 
course of his career. "Part of the loot went for gambling," he later 
explained, "part for horses, and part for women. The rest I spent 
foolishly."

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Anguished, the rabbi went on a ten-day fast. He spent his days in total 
prayer. After a week, the Lord spoke to him. "My friend," the Lord 
said, "why are you so troubled?"

The rabbi said, "My son is about to become a Christian."

The Lord said, "YOUR son!"
  
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Asked why he named his dog "Twice" the neighbor replied, "Because he 
doesn't come if you just call him 'Once!'"

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In my son's eyes.

I would be everything in life that I ever wanted to be, if I could be 
half as what my little boy thinks I am.

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 A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the 
aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While 
facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.

So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the 
aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so 
hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being 
the Ring Bear."
 
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One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets 
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

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"I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time." 
(Steven Wright)
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 My nephew was working with some power tools when he accidentally 
severed the top third of his thumb with a circular saw. At the 
hospital, the nurse filling out the forms asked, "Was it a power or a 
hand tool?"

"Ma'am," he replied, "if it had been a handsaw, I'd have stopped 
sooner."

 
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Mrs. Johnson was in the witness box. The prosecution counsel indicated 
her husband.

"Do you mean to say that a physical wreck like your husband could give 
you a black eye?"

"He wasn't a physical wreck when he gave it to me."

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A young bride looked all through the supermarket for Scratch, because 
her husband told her that was what his mother made everything from.

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That's All for today ... Thank You for all the good wishes.   hope you 
got just a few grins, giggles or maybe a hearty laff or two.  See you 
tomorrow with a whole new batch of GGG...

THe Ole Fritzbear in Chicago

"Dell computers is offering refunds for customers in China  
who sued after getting the wrong microprocessors in their  
laptops. Apparently the Americans speaking to the Chinese  
through their workers in India somehow had some sort of  
miscommunication." --Jim Barach 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Housewives aren't the only ones struggling in the suburbs.  
One nursery in my town advertised, 'Desperate Houseplants-  
25% off!' 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'LOST' screamed the ad in my local paper in Celina, Ohio.  
'Female medium-size gray tiger cat. Answers to Lucy or Here  
Kitty, Kitty, Kitty.'   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When it comes to tunes, my local music shop prefers the sound  
of silence. A sign prominently displayed on a grand piano  
reads, "The management is not responsible for the actions of  
its employees if your child plays 'Heart and Soul' or 'Chop-  
sticks' on this instrument. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dobbins lost his eye in an accident and couldn't afford the  
price of a glass eye. So he carved one out of wood. But he  
was so self-conscious that he never left the house.  

Finally, his friend Eddy came over and forced him to go out.  
"There's a dance over at the club," he said. "So what if one  
of your eyes is made out of wood?"  

"All right," said Dobbins, "but if anybody makes fun of my  
eye I'm leaving."  

He went to the dance and stood around, trying to build up his  
courage. And then he saw a woman standing alone in the corner.  
She was very attractive, but she had a hunchback.  

"She's worse off than me," Dobbins thought. "The least I can  
do is ask her to dance.  

He walked across the crowded dance floor and approached the  
girl. "Would you care to dance?" he asked.  

"Would I?!" she exclaimed.  

"That does it," he shouted, "Hunchback! Hunchback!"   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When my wife, Betty, started working at city hall as a purchasing agent, she was unfamiliar with the names of the prominent local people.

She once answered her phone and heard, "Hi, this is John Street."

"And what company are you with?" Betty asked.

There was a pause, then: "Yours. I'm the mayor."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SUPER POOPER

As a present to Caroline Kennedy during the height of the cold war, Russian Premiere Khrushchev sent a gift of a dog to the White House. It was Pushinka, daughter of the first dog in space, Strelka.

Before the dog was allowed to be given to the president's daughter, the army thoroughly searched and x-rayed the pooch while denying it was checking for "bugs" or a possible doomsday device.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her now ex-husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper.

"Honey," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to retire six over- aged destroyers."

To which the husband replies, "Oh...I'm sorry to hear your mother will be out of work."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MARSHALL DILLION

"Doctor, I always talk to myself."

"Does it bother your family members?"

"No, I live alone."

"Then why does it bother you?

"I’m so boring, doctor…".
~
I went out with one girl who said,

"Don't treat me like a date, treat me like you would your mom." So I didn't call her for six months."

http://www.citgo.com/AboutCITGO.jsp 

BLONDIE

**** ON THIS DAY ****

 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

CMT Giants to Honor Reba McEntire's Music  

CMT will film a two-hour tribute concert honoring Reba  
McEntire's music, with guests including Faith Hill,  
Trisha Yearwood, Kelly Clarkson, Martina McBride, Brooks  
& Dunn, LeAnn Rimes and Sugarland's Jennifer Nettles.  
Additional artists will be announced at a later date,  
and McEntire will also perform at the concert. Titled  
CMT Giants, the special will be taped at the Kodak  
Theater in Hollywood and air Nov. 18.  


**** Amy's Kitchen ****  

PINEAPPLE UPSIDE DOWN CAKE  


1/3 cup butter  
1 cup brown sugar  
9 slices canned pineapple  
9 maraschino cherries  
1 3/4 cups flour  
1 tablespoon baking powder  
1/2 teaspoon salt  
1/2 cup butter  
1 cup white sugar  
2 eggs  
1 teaspoon vanilla  
3/4 cup milk  

DIRECTIONS:  
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Melt 1/3 cup of butter in a 9  
inch square cake pan in the oven and remove from heat. Stir  
in the brown sugar. Arrange pineapple slices on top of the  
sugar, and put a cherry inside of each pineapple ring. Set  
aside. In a small bowl combine flour, baking powder and salt.  
Set aside. In a medium bowl cream remaining butter and sugar.  
Add eggs one at a time and continue beating until light. Stir  
in vanilla. Alternate additions of dry ingredients and milk  
to the creamed mixture, beginning and ending with dry  
ingredients. Pour over the pineapple in the cake pan. Bake  
for 50 to 60 minutes, until toothpick inserted in the centre  
comes out clean. Cool for 10 minutes, then turn upside down  
over a serving plate. Leave the pan on top of the cake for 2  
to 3 minutes to let all the syrup and fruit drop out. Serve  
warm.  

* TIP: serve with whipped cream!  




**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

Which is the most expensive food item sold by pound?

Plenty of things scream luxury and excess: Bentleys, Tiffany, Versace... But when it comes to pimping your palate, the choices might not be as obvious. Luxury food items can be rare and aren't often found at the local food mart. Does Wal-Mart price-match Beluga caviar?

For Robin Leech-style extravagance in the kitchen, two items set the bar. The spice saffron has built a reputation for being more expensive than gold -- fetching up to $2,700 per pound in recent years.

And then there's caviar. A recent U.N. ban on the international trade of Beluga caviar from the Black Sea and Caspian Sea is expected to cause a sea change on the prices for existing stock. What say you to $2,400 for a one-pound tin of black fish eggs? Be sure to wash it down with a $750 bottle of Krug Clos du Mesnil.
NO THANKS 



****A PARTING THOUGHT ****

LAST CALL Y'ALL


HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
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Hey, Let's be careful out there
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