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THE FUNNIES
TOP TEN SATURDAY

These are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG

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Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

8/19/06

THOUGHT FOR TODAY:"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, there ain't nothin' can beat teamwork." (Edward Abbey)

YOUR TOP TEN

The top 10 Country singles:

1. Rodney Atkins - If You're Going Through Hell (Before The
Devil Even Knows)
2. The Wreckers - Leave The Pieces
3. Steve Holy - Brand New Girlfriend
4. Toby Keith - A Little Too Late
5. Little Big Town - Bring It On Home
6. Gary Allan - Life Ain't Always Beautiful
7. Brad Paisley - The World
8. George Strait - Give It Away
9. Brooks & Dunn With Sheryl Crow & Vince Gill - Building
Bridges
10. Faith Hill - Sunshine And Summertime

The top 10 Country albums:

1. Rascal Flatts - Me And My Gang
2. Steve Holy - Brand New Girlfriend
3. Josh Turner - Your Man
4. Dixie Chicks - Taking The Long Way
5. Carrie Underwood - Some Hearts
6. Tim McGraw - Greatest Hits Vol 2: Reflected
7. Johnny Cash American V: A Hundred Highways
8. Rodney Atkins - If You're Going Through Hell
9. The Wreckers - Stand Still, Look Pretty
10. Toby Keith - White Trash With Money

The top 10 Christian singles:

1. Aaron Shust - My Savior, My God
2. Third Day - Mountain Of God
3. Casting Crowns - Praise You In This Storm
4. MercyMe - So Long Self
5. Brian Littrell - Welcome Home
6. Kutless - Strong Tower
7. David Crowder Band - Wholly Yours
8. Chris Tomlin - Made To Worship
9. Chris Tomlin - How Great Is Our God
10. tree63 - All Over The World

Top 10 DVD sales:

1. V For Vendetta -- Warner Home Video
2. The Shaggy Dog -- Walt Disney Home Entertainment
3. The Benchwarmers -- Sony Pictures Home Entertainment
4. Final Destination 3 -- New Line Home Entertainment
5. Spider-Man 2 (Special Edition) -- Columbia TriStar Home
Entertainment
6. Failure To Launch -- Paramount Home Entertainment
7. Chappelle's Show: The Lost Episodes Uncensored -- Comedy
Central
8. She's The Man -- Paramount Home Entertainment
9. Pirates Of The Caribbean: The Curse Of The Black Pearl --
Walt Disney Home Entertainment
10. Van Helsing -- Universal Studios Home Video

Top 10 DVD Rentals:

1. V For Vendetta -- Warner Home Video
2. The Benchwarmers -- Sony Pictures Home Entertainment
3. Final Destination 3 -- New Line Entertainment
4. The Shaggy Dog -- Walt Disney Home Entertainment
5. She's The Man -- Paramount Home Entertainment
6. Failure to Launch -- Paramount Home Entertainment
7. ATL -- Warner Home Video
8. The Matador -- Genius/Weinstein
9. Syriana -- Warner Home Video
10. The Hills Have Eyes -- Fox

Top 10 singles:

1. Fergie - London Bridge
2. Gnarls Barkley - Crazy
3. Nelly Furtado Featuring Timbaland - Promiscuous
4. Cassie - Me & You
5. The Pussycat Dolls Featuring Snoop Dogg - Buttons
6. Sean Paul Featuring Keyshia Cole - (When You Gonna) Give
It Up To Me
7. Panic! At The Disco - I Write Sins Not Tragedies
8. Christina Aguilera - Ain't No Other Man
9. Ne-Yo - Sexy Love
10. Young Dro Featuring T.I. - Shoulder Lean

Top 10 albums:

1. Rick Ross - Port Of Miami
2. Breaking Benjamin - Phobia
3. Various Artists - NOW 22
4. Cassie - Cassie
5. Slayer - Christ Illusion
6. Soundtrack - Step Up
7. Kidz Bop Kids - Kidz Bop 10
8. Gnarls Barkley - St. Elsewhere
9. DMX - Year Of The Dog...Again
10. Nickelback - All The Right Reasons

The top 10 Country singles:

1. Rodney Atkins - If You're Going Through Hell (Before The
Devil Even Knows)
2. The Wreckers - Leave The Pieces
3. Steve Holy - Brand New Girlfriend
4. Toby Keith - A Little Too Late
5. Little Big Town - Bring It On Home
6. Gary Allan - Life Ain't Always Beautiful
7. Brad Paisley - The World
8. George Strait - Give It Away
9. Brooks & Dunn With Sheryl Crow & Vince Gill - Building
Bridges
10. Faith Hill - Sunshine And Summertime

The top 10 Mainstream Rock singles:

1. Three Days Grace - Animal I Have Become
2. Stone Sour - Through Glass
3. Breaking Benjamin - The Diary Of Jane
4. Hinder - Lips Of An Angel
5. Audioslave - Original Fire
6. Korn - Coming Undone
7. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Dani California
8. Disturbed - Land of Confusion
9. Godsmack - Shine Down
10. Buckcherry - Crazy B!tch

****JOKE TIME****

WHY REDNECKS CAN'T BE PARAMEDICS

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other redneck whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions.

First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence..........

then a shot is heard.

The redneck's voice comes back on the line,

"Okay, now what?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~BABS~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There's controversy over the recent election in Mexico.
First the liberal candidate won. Then there was a recount
and the conservative candidate had won. They also have a
similar problem with their ballots down there. It's some-
thing called 'hanging Juans'." --Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"More Americans can name the three stooges than the three
branches of government. Well, that's because the three
stooges are more likely to get something done."
--David Letterman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Did you have trouble at the airport this week? I had to
throw away all my make-up. They said it's because of this
terrorist plot they foiled over in England. I believe
it's an elaborate ruse perpetrated by the big cosmetics
industry. Maybe it's not terrorism. Maybe it's Maybelline."
--Jimmy Kimmel
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water
mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on,
you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of
fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and
witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and
cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of
bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered
corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our five-year-old grandson couldn't wait to tell his grand-
father about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000
Leagues Under the Sea."

The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept
him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband in-
terrupted Mark, "What made the submarine sink, was it the
octopus?"

With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "No, Grampa, it was
the 20,000 leaks!"

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**** HEALTH NEWS ****

Neurotransmitter protects new brain cells

LA JOLLA, Calif., -- U.S. scientists say they've determined
survival of newly formed brain cells in the adult mouse
depends on the input activity they receive. Researchers at
the Salk Institute said the finding suggests new neurons in
an area of the mammalian brain thought to be involved in
learning and memory compete for survival through the activity
of neurotransmitter receptors on their surface. Fred Gage and
colleagues studied newly formed neurons in a region known as
the dentate gyrus. They showed new neurons are much less
likely to survive if they do not possess a particular recep-
tor called NMDAR -- the N-methyl-d-aspartate-type glutamate
receptor. That receptor mediates excitatory signals from
connected neurons, without which the researchers believe new
neurons do not survive. The scientists say the specific,
activity-dependent establishment of new neuronal circuits
occurs during a crucial period soon after the neurons are
"born," and propose it might enable those brain cells to
play an important part in learning and memory. The study
appears in the journal Nature.

Macrophages involved in macular problems

ST. LOUIS, -- U.S. scientists say they believe macrophages
cells involved in immune responses may play a crucial role
in age-related macular degeneration. Dr. Rajendra Apte and
colleagues at the Washington University School of Medicine
used a mouse model of choroidal neovascularization -- new
vessel formation, or CNV -- which is an important part of
AMD. They showed preventing macrophage entry into the eye
encouraged new vessel formation, whereas direct injection
of macrophages significantly inhibited that process. Age-
related macular degeneration is the leading cause of
blindness in people older than 50 years of age on at least
three continents. CNV is the process by which abnormal
blood vessels develop under the retina. CNV develops in 10
percent of patients with AMD, but accounts for up to 90
percent of the resulting blindness. The researchers say
their study suggests regulators of macrophages may be a
possible therapeutic target in AMD. The study appears in
the journal PLoS Medicine.

Autoimmune brain inflammation studied

SAN FRANCISCO, -- U.S. scientists say a key factor in
development of brain inflammation may provide a new
target for inflammatory diseases of the central nervous
system. In separate studies, Nico Ghilardi of Genentech
Inc. in San Francisco and Christopher Hunter of the
University of Pennsylvania studied different mouse models
of brain inflammation that resemble human diseases, such
as multiple sclerosis. Both studies show brain inflammation
is worse in mice that cannot respond to interleukin 27, a
factor that communicates messages to immune cells. Such
increased brain inflammation is associated with an influx
of T cells that produce a molecule known to promote inflam-
mation -- interleukin 17 -- into the brain. The researchers
found treatment of T cells with interleukin 27 blocks the
development of cells that produce interleukin 17. Therefore,
the scientists posit preventing harmful interleukin 17-
producing cells from developing, interleukin 27 could
represent a potential therapeutic target for treating auto-
immune diseases. The study appears in the journal Nature
Immunology.

**** Reader's Submissions ****

**** ON THIS DAY ****

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**** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****

Kahne's turnaround time?

Burton takes Michigan pole

Sadler will start second in first race under Evernham.

Story

Gilliland replaces Sadler

Will make debut in No. 38 Yates Ford at Michigan.

Story

Mayfield lawsuit settled

Fired driver, team owner Everham reach out-of-court settlement.

Story

Subscribe Today: Home Delivery of USA TODAY - Save 35%

**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****

19-

Shorty Lavendar born Old Fort, NC 1932.

Al Ferrier, the "King of Louisiana Rockabilly" born Montgomery, LA 1935.

Johnny Nash born 1940.

Eddy Raven "Edward Garvin Futch" born Lafayette, LA 1944.

Merle Travis recorded "Lazy River" 1955.

Gary Chapman singer/songwriter/talk show host born in 1957.

Don Gibson released "Blue Blue Day" 1957.

Capitol Records released Buck Owens' single "Love's Gonna Live Here" in 1963. The record peaked at #1 and became Buck's best selling record.

Lee Ann Womack born Jacksonville, TX 1966.

Clay Walker born Beaumont, TX 1969.

Buck Owens recorded "Big In Vegas" 1969.

Natasha Borzilova of Bering Strait, vocals/guitar born in Russia 1978.

Crystal Gayle's "Talking in Your Sleep" went to #1 in 1978.

Dorsey Burnette, age 46, Rockabilly singer/songwriter, died of a heart attack 1979.

Kenny Baker's "Plays Bill Monroe" album released 1994.

Lonestar debuted on the charts with "Tequila Talkin'" 1995.

Curly Ray Cline, age 74, of the "Lonesome Pine Fiddlers" died 1997.

Dwight Yoakam's album "Guitars, Cadillacs, Etc., Etc.," certified double platinum 1995.

Elizabeth Anderson, age 89, mother of Bill Anderson, died in Decatur, GA 2001.

Tim McGraw's twenty-two city tour opened in Baton Rouge, LA 2004.

-20-

Jim Reeves "Gentleman Jim" born Panola County, TX 1923

Justin Tubb, Grand Ole Opry member, born San Antonio, TX 1935.

Gene Autry recorded "Be Honest With Me" 1940.

Eddy Arnold "The Tennessee Plowboy" recorded "Anytime," 1947.

Rudy Gatlin of the "Gatlin Brothers" born Olney, TX 1952.

John Hiatt, singer/songwriter/multi-instrumentalist, born Indianapolis, IN 1952.

Capitol Records released Buck Owens' single "Kickin' Our Hearts Around" 1962.

Born to George Hamilton IV and wife Tinky, beautiful daughter "Mary" in 1965.

Johnny Cash and June Carter recorded "If I Were A Carpenter" 1969.

Ralph Stanley II, singer/guitarist/Grammy nominee, born 1978.

Lee Gillette, age 68, record label executive/ publisher, died after falling in his home 1981.

Louis Innis, age 63, guitarist/session player, died 1982.

Zachariah Valentine Morgan died in Barberton, OH 1982.

Deborah Allen's single "Baby I Lied" charted 1983.

Leon McAuliffe, age 71, died in Tulsa, OK 1988.

Ray Wylie Hubbard's album "Crusades of the Restless Nights" released 1999.

Alan Jackson's album "When Somebody Love You" certified platinum 2001.

**** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

Sara Evans to Host Fashion for Every Body at Hall of Fame

Sara Evans will host a fashion show titled Fashion for Every
Body at the Country Music Hall of Fame and Museum in
Nashville on Sept. 17. She will also perform at the fund-
raiser for the Eating Disorders Coalition of Tennessee and
the Sara Evans Fund. She became the official ambassador for
the National Eating Disorders Association earlier this year
after watching a close friend battle an eating disorder.
Evans is also selling a specially-created necklace on her
Web site to raise money for the organizations.

**** Amy's Kitchen ****

PEACH CRISP

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

Put 4 cups peeled, sliced peaches in 2-quart casserole

baking dish. Sprinkle with 1/4 cup sugar.
Combine 1/2 cup dark brown sugar, packed,

1 cup rolled oats, 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon, and 1/4 teaspoon nutmeg. Beat 1 egg and 1 tablespoon oil.

Add to dry mixture. Stir with fork.

Crumble over peaches.

Bake 30 minutes or until topping begins to crisp.

Makes 6 servings.

**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

How many spiders do we eat when we are sleeping?

Actually through some research they have found that the average person swallows three spiders while sleeping in a lifetime. But you must take a few things into perspective to figure this out:

1. Your location. If the place where you sleep regularly is in a woodsy area, you'll probably have more spiders there than someone in a place where there's no dark corners for spiders to lurk.

2. The places where you sleep. If you sleep in a hotel one night, and you happen to swallow a spider there, and then at home you swallow four spiders throughout your entire life, that's five spiders. Whereas, if you never went to that hotel that night, and you only swallowed the spiders in your house, you'll have swallowed a sum of four spiders.

3. The way you sleep. If your mouth doesn't hang open one night (which is unlikely to happen), and a spider happens to swing by, they can't enter your mouth.

The bottom line is, it all depends on these factors, as well as other factors, and probability. One person can swallow ten spiders during their lifetime, while another person can swallow none.

LAST CALL Y'ALL

HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
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Hey, Let's be careful out there
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