Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that
his feet became quite thick and hard.

He also was quite a spiritual person.

Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much
and became quite thin and frail.

Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath.

Therefore: he came to be known as a (groan):

"Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Our five-year-old grandson couldn't wait to tell his grand-
father about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000
Leagues Under the Sea."

The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept
him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband in-
terrupted Mark, "What made the submarine sink, was it the
octopus?"

With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "No, Grampa, it was
the 20,000 leaks!"
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has
hunted all his life.

When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to
sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand.
After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a
blood-curdling scream.

He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be
quiet!"

Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled
over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down
my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled
up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them
here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device
for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a
gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at
approximately the speed the plane flies.

The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass
impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It
seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a
windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing.

They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and
fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through
the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself
in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and
asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done
correctly.

The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation:

"Use a thawed chicken."

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Deer hunting season is here... Here are the secret diary entries
from last year's deer hunt.

1:00 am - Alarm clock rings.
2:00 am - Hunting partner arrives - drags you out of bed.
3:00 am - Throw everything except the kitchen sink in the pickup.
3:05 am - Leave for the deep woods.
3:15 am - Drive back home and pick up gun.
3:30 am - Drive like a bat outta hell to get to the woods before
daylight.
4:00 am - Set up camp - forgot the tent.
4:30 am - Head into the woods.
6:05 am - See eight deer.
6:06 am - Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 am - "Click."
6:08 am - Load gun while watching deer go over the hill.
8:00 am - Head back to camp.
9:00 am - Still looking for camp.
10:00 am - Realize you don't know where camp is.
Noon - Fire gun for help - eat wild berries.
12:15 pm - Ran out of bullets - eight deer come back.
12:20 pm - Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 pm - Realize you ate poison berries.
12:45 pm - Rescued.
12:55 pm - Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
3:00 pm - Arrived back in camp.
3:30 pm - leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 pm - Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 pm - Load gun - leave camp again.
5:00 pm - Empty gun on squirrel that's bugging you.
6:00 pm - Arrive at camp - see deer grazing in camp.
6:01 pm - Load gun.
6:02 pm - Fire gun.
6:03 pm - One dead pickup truck.
6:05 pm - Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer.
6:06 pm - Repress strong desire to shoot partner.
6:07 pm - Fall into fire.
6:10 pm - Change clothes - throw burned ones into fire.
6:15 pm - Take pickup - leave partner and his deer in the woods.
6:25 pm - Pickup boils over - hole shot in block. 6:26 pm - Start
walking.
6:30 pm - Stumble and fall - drop gun in the mud.
6:35 pm - Meet bear.
6:36 pm - Take aim. 6:37 pm - Fire gun - blow up barrel plugged
with mud.
6:38 pm - Make mess in pants.
6:39 pm - Climb tree.
9:00 pm - Bear departs - wrap %&*$#@ gun around tree.
Midnight - Home at last.

Next day - Watch football games on TV, slowly tearing hunting license
into little pieces - place in envelope and mail to Game Warden with
very clear instructions on where to place it.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
I was out with one of my best drinking buddies, George, and he was
talking about marriage, and then his wife. He drank some, then said,
"Well, what it comes down to Jimmy, is... well... my wife just doesn't
understand me at all, does yours ?" I thought about it a minute or two,
then said. "I don't think so George, as a matter of fact, I don't recall
her ever even mentioning your name at all."

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts.
Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill
their pockets and shirts. When they could hold no more nuts, they
started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The
boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out
the nuts. The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded
their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile. In
the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys
then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for
you. One for me..." As they were doing this, another boy was passing by
and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not
see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a
moment and then ran back to town. "Father! Father!" he yelled as he
entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!" "What's the matter?" his
father asked. "No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow
me!" The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when
they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all
fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was
wrong. "Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently
and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for
you..." The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing
the souls!" The father was skeptical but silent. Until a few moments
later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said
to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road,
we'll have them all."

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Two guys are approaching each other on the sidewalk, and both are
dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one looks at the
other knowingly, points to his right foot and says, "Land mine,
Vietnam, 1969."

The other hooks his thumb over his shoulder and says, "Dog poop.
20 feet back. Lookout."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a
state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his
nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks
him in the head with the stick.

The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll
have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He
gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side
and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the
trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say,
'I wish that guy would've tried that crap with me!'"
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Then there were these two guys who had gone to the same college
and become great friends. During college, they had a great time.
Anything that was going on, they were always right in the middle of
it.

When they graduated, however, they each went their own separate way.
Two or three years later, they ran into one another on the street.
They were very happy to see each other, and, during the conversation,
one of them asked the other what he was doing for work. "I'm an
undertaker," responded the friend.

"That doesn't sound like you. During college, you were always the one
looking for excitement."

"There is plenty of excitement in this racket," explained the
friend. "Just the other day, I got a call to pick up this stiff in a
hotel room. When I entered the room, he was laying there on the bed,
stark naked, with a huge erection. I didn't want to take him out like
that, so I took a hanger from the closet, and gave it a good swat.....

You want to talk about excitement. I WAS IN THE WRONG ROOM!!!"
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
A Couple went on vacation to a fishing resort near a national
park. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife
preferred to read.

One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing
and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the
boat out. She was not familiar with the lake. She rowed out,
anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the park ranger in his boat, pulls up alongside and
says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, 'Is this guy
blind, or what?'

"You're in a no-fishing area," he informs her.

"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and
charge you."

"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.

"I didn't even touch you," grouses the ranger.

"Yes, that's true....but you have all the equipment."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
After church one Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to
his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow
up."

"That's okay with us," the mother said, "but what made you decide
to be a minister?"

"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday
anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to
sit still and listen."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnnie was standing
staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.
The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time,
so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the
plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his eyes off
the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnnie asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service,"
replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the
large plaque.

Little Johnnie's voice barely broke the silence when he asked
quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what
time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk.  About an
hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.
"What time does the bar open?" he asks.  "Same time as before...
Noon," replies the clerk.  Another hour passes and he calls again,
plastered, "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"  The clerk then answers,
"It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send
something up to you."  "No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git
OUT!!!
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
A young boy called the pastor of a local Baptist church to ask the
pastor to come by to pray for his mother who had been very ill with the
flu. The Baptist pastor knew the family and was aware they had been
attending a Church of Christ down the road. The Baptist preacher asked,
"Shouldn't you be asking Brother Sims down at the Church of Christ to
come by to pray with your mom?" The young man replied, "Yeah, but we
didn't want to take the chance that he might catch whatever this is that
Mom has."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
The kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page
picturing several national flags. She pointed to the American flag and
asked, "What flag is this?" A little girl called out, "That's the flag
of our country." "Very good," the teacher said. "And what is the name of
our country?" 'Tis of thee," the girl said confidently.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and
a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the
children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At
last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,
putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she
heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?"
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Two little boys were visiting their grandfather, and he took them to a
restaurant for lunch. They couldn't make up their minds about what they
wanted to eat. Finally the grandfather grinned at the server and said,
"Just bring them bread and water." One of the little boys looked up and
quavered, "Can I have ketchup on it?"
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Fred ... The Ole Fritzbear in Chicgo!!!!

**** Amy's Kitchen ****  

10-Minute Beef Stir-Fry

1 lb Beef flank
1/2 ts Salt
1/2 ts Fresh ground black pepper
3 ts Hot chili oil
2 Cl Garlic; crushed
8 oz Frozen broccoli
8 oz Frozen carrot slices
3/4 c Water
1/4 c Creamy peanut butter

Cut beef crosswise (against the grain) into very thin slices; sprinkle with 1/4 teaspoon each salt and pepper. In 12" nonstick skillet over medium-high heat, heat 2 teaspoons iol; add beef; cook and stir 2 to 3 minutes until bronwed. Using slotted spoon, remove beef to plate. In same skillet over medium-high heat, heat remaining 1 teaspoon oil; add garlic; cook and stir 30 to 60 seconds until fragrant. Add frozen vegetables, 1/4 cup water, and remaining 1/4 teaspoon each salt and pepper; cook, covered, 3 minutes until tender. Meanwhile, in small bowl stir peanut butter and remaining 1/2 cup water to blend; add to skillet along with beef and any accumulated juices. Cook, stirring 1 to 2 minutes longer until heated through and coated with sauce.

~~

3-Layer Delight Dessert

2 to 3 pt. of strawberries, blueberries or peaches
1 sm. box instant vanilla pudding
1 can sweetened condensed milk
1 c. cold water
Whipping cream, medium size
Angel food or pound cake.

Beat pudding, milk and water until thoroughly mixed. Chill until thick; 10 to 15 minutes. Mix whipping cream until thick. Fold into chilled pudding mixture. Cut 1 angel food or pound cake into small pieces. Layer into bowl: First pudding, cake, then fruit. Continue layering in order. Garnish with remainder of pudding.

~~~~

Italian Vinaigrette

1 Whole egg yolk
1 tb Water
1 tb Dijon mustard
2 tb Garlic -- minced
1/2 ts Salt
1 ts Pepper
1/2 ts Dry mustard
2 ts Oregano
1/2 ts Sugar
1/3 c Red wine vinegar
1 c Olive oil

Combine the egg yolk and water in a small bowl and whisk well. Cover the bowl with a small plate and microwave on high for 10 seconds, or until the mixture starts to expand. Continue to cook 5 seconds longer. Whisk with a clean whisk. Cover and return to the oven 5 seconds. Whisk with a clean whisk, cover and let sit 1 minute.

In a food processor, combine the egg, Dijon, garlic, salt, pepper, dry mustard, oregano, sugar, vinegar and lemon juice; process to blend. Slowly add the olive oil, processing until emulsified. Set aside.

Makes 1 1/2 cups.


**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

Who's worth more, Martha Stewart or Donald Trump?

Ms. Martha and the Donald have a lot in common. Both are titans of industry, both star in their own TV shows, and both have a tendency to draw either the sincere respect or bile-fueled ire of people who don't even know them. Of course, Donald and Martha are also very rich -- filthy, stinking, disgustingly rich. While exact figures on who's worth what are difficult to come by, we feel confident in saying Trump has more money in the bank.

We found a list of the 400 richest Americans from Forbes magazine, circa 2005. Donald came in at number 83 with $2.7 billion. Martha finished 377 with $970 million. So, according to Forbes, it's really not even close. Although if you ask us, anything past $500 million is just showing off.

As important as wealth is to some, believe it or not, there are other barometers of success. One example is likability. When Martha went, ahem, "away" for five months, her company's brand took a big hit. From an overall brand standpoint, both Donald and Martha score poorly "among all demographic groups." Again, this speaks to their likability -- or apparent lack thereof. As we learned from one article, Martha's likability is just one notch above the National Enquirer's. That's not a good thing

****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
Table manners must have been invented by people who were never hungry.

LAST CALL Y'ALL


HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
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