Archives at Zinester: The Daily Funnies. The Funnies. Humor & Jokes

THIS WEEKS TOP TEN

The top 10 Country singles:

1. Rodney Atkins - If You're Going Through Hell (Before The
Devil Even Knows)
2. The Wreckers - Leave The Pieces
3. Steve Holy - Brand New Girlfriend
4. Little Big Town - Bring It On Home
5. George Strait - Give It Away
6. Brooks & Dunn With Sheryl Crow & Vince Gill - Building
Bridges
7. Faith Hill - Sunshine And Summertime
8. Josh Turner - Would You Go With Me
9. Brad Paisley - The World
10. Toby Keith - A Little Too Late

The top 10 Country albums:

1. Trace Adkins - Dangerous Man
2. Rascal Flatts - Me And My Gang
3. Josh Turner - Your Man
4. Tim McGraw - Greatest Hits Vol 2: Reflected
5. Carrie Underwood - Some Hearts
6. Dixie Chicks - Taking The Long Way
7. Steve Holy - Brand New Girlfriend
8. The Wreckers - Stand Still, Look Pretty
9. Rodney Atkins - If You're Going Through Hell
10. Johnny Cash American V: A Hundred Highways

The top 10 Christian singles:

1. Aaron Shust - My Savior, My God
2. Third Day - Mountain Of God
3. Casting Crowns - Praise You In This Storm
4. Brian Littrell - Welcome Home
5. Chris Tomlin - Made To Worship
6. MercyMe - So Long Self
7. Kutless - Strong Tower
8. David Crowder Band - Wholly Yours
9. tree63 - All Over The World
10. Chris Tomlin - How Great Is Our God

Top 10 DVD sales:

1. Inside Man -- Universal Studios Home Video
2. V For Vendetta -- Warner Home Video
3.
4.
5. The Shaggy Dog -- Walt Disney Home Entertainment
6. Ultimate Avengers 2: Rise Of The Panther -- Marvel
7. The Benchwarmers -- Sony Pictures Home Entertainment
8. Laguna Beach: The Complete Second Season -- MTV Home
Video
9. Prison Break: Season One -- 20th Century Fox
10. Final Destination 3 -- New Line Home Entertainment

Top 10 DVD Rentals:

1. Inside Man -- Universal Studios Home Video
2. V For Vendetta -- Warner Home Video
3. The Benchwarmers -- Sony Pictures Home Entertainment
4. Final Destination 3 -- New Line Entertainment
5. The Shaggy Dog -- Walt Disney Home Entertainment
6. Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector -- Paramount Home
Entertainment
7. Bring It On: All or Nothing -- Universal Studios Home
Video
8. She's The Man -- Paramount Home Entertainment
9. Failure to Launch -- Paramount Home Entertainment
10. ATL -- Warner Home Video

Top 10 singles:

1. Fergie - London Bridge
2. Gnarls Barkley - Crazy
3. Nelly Furtado Featuring Timbaland - Promiscuous
4. Sean Paul Featuring Keyshia Cole - (When You Gonna) Give
It Up To Me
5. The Pussycat Dolls Featuring Snoop Dogg - Buttons
6. Cassie - Me & You
7. Ciara Featuring Chamillionaire - Get Up
8. Christina Aguilera - Ain't No Other Man
9. Ne-Yo - Sexy Love
10. Panic! At The Disco - I Write Sins Not Tragedies



Top 10 albums:

1. Christina Aguilera - Back To Basics
2. Lyfe Jennings - The Phoenix
3. Trace Adkins - Dangerous Man
4. Cherish - Unappreciated
5. Soundtrack - The Cheetah Girls 2
6. Various Artists - NOW 22
7. Rick Ross - Port Of Miami
8. Obie Trice - Second Round's On Me
9. Soundtrack - Step Up
10. DMX - Year Of The Dog...Again

The top 10 Mainstream Rock tracks:

1. Three Days Grace - Animal I Have Become
2. Stone Sour - Through Glass
3. Breaking Benjamin - The Diary Of Jane
4. Audioslave - Original Fire
5. Hinder - Lips Of An Angel
6. Disturbed - Land of Confusion
7. Godsmack - Shine Down
8. Korn - Coming Undone
9. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Dani California
10. Shinedown - Heroes

  Here are the results for the top 10 favorite cars of all-
time:

1. Ford Mustang (mostly 1960s)
2. Chevy Corvette
3. Chevy Impala (1950s)
4. Ferrari (any model)
5. Ford Thunderbird (Vintage and 2001+)
6. Lamborghini (any model)
7. Dodge Viper
8. Porsche (any model)
9. Volkswagen Beetle (vintage)
10. Jaguar (any model)

Honorable Mentions: Stretch Limo, Pontiac LeMans GTO, Ford
                    Model T.

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar...and the beer.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favourite passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. "The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers." ...........................................GOOFPROOF
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"Did you know New York City has the oldest bartender? He's
90 years old and still doing it. He's so old he knows Rob
Roy." --Dave Letterman
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"Vice President Dick Cheney is donating $2 million to the
cardiovascular center that treats him. Actually for him it's
more of an advance." --Conan O'Brien
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"Today President Bush said the United States is still under
the threat of attack. Then he went back on vacation. I don't
think President Bush really understands the severity of this
situation. Like when they first told Bush about the terrorist
plot against the airlines, he said, 'Let me guess, snakes on
a plane?'" --Jay Leno
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The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards
away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the
subject of a minor dispute between the United States and
Canada for generations. Mrs. Michaels, who had just cele-
brated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her
son and three grandchildren.

One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just
got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an
agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that
our land is really part of the United States. We have the
right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you
think?"

"What do I think?" his mother said. "Jump at it! Call them
right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could
stand another one of them Canadian winters!"
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My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept
refusing, but he bought one anyway. "I'll tell you what,"
he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you
name the boat?"

Being a good sport, she accepted. When her husband went to
the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw
painted on the side: "For Sale."
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Although I'm not a nervous passenger as a rule, I once became very frightened on a small commuter plane. There was a storm raging, with torrential rain and gale-force winds. Additionally, our first takeoff attempt was aborted at the last moment due to an overheated engine. We taxied back to the hangar, changed planes and then had to sit on the runway waiting for a new opportunity to take off. We were all getting anxious. I remember learning in a psychology class that one method strangers will use to decrease anxiety is to engage in conversation. So I turned to the man sitting next to me and asked, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm an undertaker," he replied.
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Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The priest met him one day, and gave him a strong lecture about drink.

He said, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse."

This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and said to his wife, "Bridget....if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?"
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My brother's twin daughters, Betty and Cassie returned home from a shopping trip with their mom wearing new shoes. My brother and I decided to go down to the river to fish, and the girls said they'd like to come, too. "Okay, but change your shoes," their mom said.

While we were walking through mud down on the riverbank, Cassie exclaimed: "Betty! Mom's going to be mad! She told you to change shoes!"

"I did," Betty said. "These are yours."
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On every tube of Preparation-H is a warning that says, "Do not take this product orally." Man, that's really sad! Can you imagine the letter that someone wrote the company? "I ate this whole tube of your product and I still have those darned hemorrhoids. And man, my mouth is so small that I can't even eat a jellybean. But I can whistle real good."
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My mind was wandering while my friend Jose and I were fishing out on the lake. "If water is composed of two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen," I mused, "then why doesn't it burn?"

"It's much too wet!" was Jose's reply.
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Newly married, my bride and I were in separate rooms doing household chores. Needing some assistance, I asked my wife to help. She was obviously feeling a tad pressured by her new responsibilities because she replied: "I can't do everything -- I'm not a mom yet!"