Archives at Zinester: The Daily Funnies. The Funnies. Humor & Jokes

From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.

Welcome to The Funnies

"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
These are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG

Welcome New Subscribers
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

MONDAY AUGUST 28,2006

THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Skunks can shoot their bad-smelling spray only about two yards, but you can smell it up to two and a half miles away.

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was
probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy
the
following:

* 1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

* 2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

* 3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

* 4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

* 5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

* 6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

* 7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it
back in your pocket.

* 8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The
few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the
electric fence and find out for themselves.

* 9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from
bad judgment.

* 10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now
and then to make sure it's still there.

* 11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it
back.

* 12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he
started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

* First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
your age and start bragging about it.

* Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line
for.

* Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want
people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some
of the roads weren't paved.

* Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.

* Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up
or leaks.

* Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the
top.

* Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that
it is such a nice change from being young.

* Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has
been.

* Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

* Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it
was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have
anything to laugh at when you are old
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband and I were having a misunderstanding. He started a sentence, and I, anticipating him as is my habit, interrupted. "There you go again," he broke in, "listening faster than I'm talking." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see his doctor. The doctor
asked him all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they
been occurring, etc., when he interrupted him, "Hey look, I'm a vet and
I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions -- I can tell
what's wrong just by looking." He smugly added, "Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, stood back, looked him up and down, then quickly
wrote out a prescription, handed it to him and said, "There you are. Of
course, if this stuff doesn't work, we'll probably have to have you put
to sleep."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had worked late, and my yellow lab was so overjoyed to see me arrive home that he jumped up just as I leaned down. Our heads collided, and I sported an impressive shiner for several weeks. I had to repeat frequently to co-workers and friends how I came by it. One day on the elevator, a secretary whom I hadn't seen for some time looked at my black eye and exclaimed: "Lorraine! What happened?"

"The dog did it," I wearily replied.

A man standing next to us looked over at me and said knowingly,
"Oh, a boxer."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found
it would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of
Galilee.

"Hoot mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha' been more than $20."

"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take
into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord himself
walked."

"Well, at $50 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder
he walked!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his check
up, the doctor called his wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very serious disease,
combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your
husband can die. Each morning, I want you to fix him a healthy
breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch,
fix him a nutritious meal. Then later for dinner, prepare an especially
nice meal for him. And, please, don't burden him with chores. Don't
discuss your stress; this will probably make him feel worse. And most
importantly, you must be intimate with your husband every day of the
week. If you can do this for at least 10 months to a year, I think your
husband will regain his health completely." The lady just sat there
dumbfounded for a minute before the doctor told her she could leave now.

On the way home, the husband anxiously asked his wife, "So.....what did
the doctor say to you?"

Complete Silence. And then........

"That you're going to die."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blond was shopping at Wal-Mart and came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over
to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "why, that's a thermos.... it keeps hot things hot and
cold things cold."

"Wow," said the blond, "that's amazing... I'm going to buy it!"

So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss,
who is also blond, saw it on her desk.

"What's that?" he asked.

"Why, that's a thermos... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,"
she replied.

"Wow, that's amazing," said the boss, "what do you have in it?"

"Two popsicles and some coffee"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Speeding motorists in some parts of Britain are being flashed by
electronic frowns, helping them avoid police cameras and hefty fines.
Electronic signboards use radar to read the speed of an oncoming
vehicle and flash it up on a screen. If the motorist is driving within
the speed limit the indicator changes to a smiley face. Should the
driver be speeding, the face becomes a frown.
The new indicators were not replacements for cameras, which are
widely disliked by some motorists who regard them as simple
revenue-generators.
In recent months a number have been blown up with dynamite, some
have been torched, while others have been cut down by aggrieved
motorists.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview
him. "Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the
white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth.
You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The chief nodded that it was so. The official continued,
"Considering all these events, in your opinion,where did the white man
go wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and
then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were
running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did
all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and
fishing, all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to
think he could improve system like that!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"So, what's the matter? I thought you just got back from a nice
relaxing fishing trip with your husband."
"Oh, everything went wrong: First he said I talked so loud I would
scare the fish. Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I
was reeling in too soon. All that might have been all right; but then,
to make matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The first morning after the honeymoon, the husband got up
early, went down to the kitchen, and brought his wife her
breakfast in bed. Naturally, she was delighted.
Then he spoke: "Have you noticed just what I have done?"
"Of course, dear. Every single detail!"
"Good. That's how I want my breakfast served every morning."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These are actual comments left last year on Forest Service registration
sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping
trips:

"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a
way I can get reimbursed? Please call."

"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."

"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to
reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to
wilderness."

"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."

"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are
more likely to chase animals."

"All the mile markers are missing this year."

"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."

"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go
uphill."

"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the
wilderness to rid the area of these pests."

"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."

"Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful
views without having to hike to them."

"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please
eradicate these annoying animals."

"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike
at night with flashlights."

"Need more signs to keep area pristine."

"A McDonald's would be nice at the trail head."

"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."

"Too many rocks in the mountains."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Friends and I were chatting over dinner in a restaurant. A man at the
next table who had been chatting away on his cell phone, told his
cell-phone caller to hold on. Then he got up from his table and stepped
outside to finish his phone conversation.

When he returned, I said, "Gee, sir, that was very thoughtful of you!"

"I had no choice," he nodded and said to me.

"You and your friends were making too much noise."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two intrepid explorers met in the heart of the Brazilian jungle.

"I'm here," declared one, "to commune with nature in the raw, to
contemplate the eternal verities and to widen my horizons. And how about
you, sir?"

"I," sighed the second explorer, "came because my young daughter has
begun violin lessons."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My dry cleaner very generously gives each customer a free copy of our
daily newspaper.

As I took my copy, I told him,

"I hope the business grows enough to offset the cost of the papers."

"Oh, don't worry about us," he chuckled..

"Nothing dirties clothes more than newsprint."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE FARMER AND THE...RAM?
Farmer Ken Kellog raised sheep. He had a surly, unpredictable ram that tried to escape the
pasture at every opportunity. Twenty ravens had their nests nearby. There were two swoops of
10 ravens each. The ravens loved to harass the ram. They'd fly down to the field and caw at him
until he charged. At the last second, they'd fly upward, and the ram would hit the fence. One day,
a raven didn't get out of the way in time. He was crushed. The others decided to get revenge.
When Kellog visited the pasture one day, he failed to lock the gate. The ravens pushed it open and
lured the ram into the hayfield. They flew toward the bailing machine, the ram chasing them furiously.
At the last moment, the ravens pulled up -- and the ram ran straight into the bailer. He came out
the other side in a mangled package. Twenty big black birds came to perch upon him, satisfied.
The farmer was left with two swoops of ravens on a package of Kellog's brazen ram!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was complaining to a friend, "I had it all - money, a
magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman...
then, poof! It was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"My wife found out..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old man was 89-years-old and he wanted to marry a 24
year old girl. His son told him, "You can't marry a 24-year-old
girl." He said, "Why not?" The son said, "If you marry a
24-year-old girl, you'll have to have sex with her and that
could be fatal!"
He thought about it a moment, shrugged his shoulders and
said, "Well if she dies, she dies."

**** Quickies ****

Sign in a tire store: 'We skid you not.'

Sign in a shoe store window: 'Come in and have a fit.'

Sign in a gym: 'The world is in bad shape. Must you be too?'

Why does NASA insist on including a female astronaut on every mission?

Because if the ship gets lost, there will be at least one person who will ask for directions.
~
With a sense of relief and pride, my parents, Samantha and Gerald Moses, had, after carrying a mortgage on their home for 25 years, made their final payment. They decided to announce to our neighbors and all passersby their undisputed possession of this property by displaying a sign on our front lawn. It read, "WHOLLY MOSES".
~
He was bent over his book intently, pencil clutched tightly in his hand. "Ah," he sighed, his eyes misting as he recalled the past. "I remember the good old days. Kindergarten was such fun," my grandson announced as he continued working on his first grade homework.
~
"I don't believe it!" the man said to his friend while weighing himself in the men's room. "I began this diet yesterday, but the scale says I'm heavier. Here, Norm, hold my jacket....It still says I'm heavier. Here, hold my chocolate bar."

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**** Reader's Submissions ****

The Great Train
Bill Walker
missourisage@yahoo.com

I was looking at my few train sets, toy trains that is. All mine
is of the good old days of trains. The glory days of trains, the
steamers. The days of the engines of steam. Those big black
beautiful engines of raw power, hissing into the station, grinding
to a stop. The whistle blowing, the bell ringing. Passenger trains
coming and going, fright trains also. The crew on each train taking
pride in that one train. I remember in the big cities the round
house, the shops, where trains in need of a repair got worked over.
I remember the different lines of trains. There use to
be every so many. Some just ran certain states and parts of the
country. Then there was the big lines, ran from coast to coast.
Those were the glory days.

I have one passenger train set, I put one of the beautiful steam
engines pulling it. I was just looking at it and thinking of the
times as a child of 6,7, 8 of age taking a ride on one. What a joy
that was, a ride on a passenger train,, those that never had such a
ride,, well poor soul just don't know what they missed. There is
nothing that can compare to such. You can have your jet flights, I
don't think those compare to a passenger train ride, no way.

Now I was thinking just looking at this one set, some day we all
will take a ride on the Glory Train. Now my set has a baggage car, a
mail car, a sleeper. a diner, three passenger cars. a tail ender, I
can't remember just what that car was called.. but it is the last
car on the train. Has a platform end. I think I remember seeing the
President standing there a few times waving at the crowds of
people. F.D.R. and the last great President. Harry Truman.

On the Glory Train, I think there will be a few cars missing. I
don't believe there will be any need of the baggage car.. You see,
this train has no need for baggage. Where it is going, you leave
all baggage behind. All your things you have saved up, is no good
where this train is going. Like wise the mail car. No mail is on
this trip. The Diner, yea we might need that one. Fine foods will
be served on this trip. The Glory Train people will have the best of
foods. The sleeper, oh we can leave it behind,, no sleepers on this
Glory Train ride. All is wide awake looking ahead to the station at
the other end. The passenger cars will be filled with happy people
all on this wonderful train taking them home to the Glory Promised
Land.. That Station called Heavens Gate.

I can just see the Glory train pulling through the gate. Whistle
blowing loud and clear, bell ringing and the old steamer coming to a
full stop. There will be Jesus and all the Angels greeting each
person as they step down from the train. Stepping down on Heavens
green green grass of HOME.

*****Fred.....The Ole Fritbear!!!*****
Today's Edition of Grins, Giggles or Groners ... Sent your way just
for the fun of it. Hope you enjoy!!!
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

To: Department of Agriculture

Dear Sir:

I have been evacuated from New Orleans because the
flood took my old trailer and beat up car. I thought I
might go into business to supplement my welfare check.

My friend over at Union, Iowa, received a check for
$1,000 from the government for not raising hogs.
Right now I'm getting extra help from the government
and Red Cross while I'm displaced but when that stops
I want to go into the "not-raising-hogs" business.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the
best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is
the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure
that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all
governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise
razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to
raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires
or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this
program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of
how many hogs I haven't raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future
of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty
years or so, and the best he ever made on them was
$422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check
for $1,000 for not raising hogs. If I get $1,000 for
not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for not raising
100 hogs?

I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding
myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will
mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford
an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will
not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that
you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat.
Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and
corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to
raise?

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows"
business, so send me any information you have on that,
too. In view of these circumstances, you understand
that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for
unemployment and food stamps.

Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,
Ima Taker

PS. Please notify me when you are giving out more free cheese.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the
jungles of Africa. Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made
them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange
as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well traveled trail
through the jungle.

All day every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail
at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory.

The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown
to African Jack, a well-known and must publicized guide who did not
speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory.

While he was leading a safari through the jungle, walking all day and
cutting vines with their machetes, all this constant hacking brush had
them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safari drop
from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between
these two lions and camp for the night.

After sitting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African
Jack sat on a stump and began reading. While he was busily engaged in
the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African
Jack and ate him on the spot.

When the 6 o'clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, "African
Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he
was reading between the lions."

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

A man was driving down the highway with a car full of penguins.
Penguins sticking out the windows, penguins coming out the sunroof,
penguin everywhere. A cop pulled him over and told him if he didn't
want a ticket he'd better take those penguins straight to the zoo. The
man promised he would and drove off.

The next day, the same highway, the same car, the same guy, the same
cop and the same penguins - only this time the penguins were all
wearing sunglasses! The cop pulled the guy over and said, "I thought I
told you to take these penguins to the zoo!"

"I did" said the guy, "Today I'm taking them to the beach!"

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

What was the greatest accomplishment of the early Romans?
Speaking Latin!

Teacher: That's quite a cough you have there, what are you taking for
it?
Pupil: I don't know teacher. What will you give me?

Why did Arthur have a round table?
So no one could corner him!

Who invented King Arthur's round table?
Sir Circumference!

Teacher: You aren't paying attention to me. Are you having trouble
hearing? Pupil: No, teacher I'm having trouble listening!

√<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Internetaholics Anonymous
Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned
about your internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can
help.

Yes, you--we're talking to you. You, looking at this screen for hours
on end, online. You, bleary eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in
the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is? Have
you checked downstairs to see if your family still lives with you?

We're a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that
provides support and counselling through weekly (off-line) meetings
designed to help you cope with your problem.

We feature a twelve-step recovery program and in extreme cases,
interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never
"cured," you most certainly can recover.

We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict.
Do you:

1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?

2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?

3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?

4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?

5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope
you'll receive a reply one day from a company you'll never do business
with anyway?

6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation,
hygiene or bodily functions?

7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?

8) Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you'd usually be
griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?

9) See smoke arising from your computer or WebTV box?

10) All of the above?

If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have
a problem. Please call us at Internetaholics Anonymous at:

1-800-LOGOFFNOWFORPETE'SSAKE

We're here, we're free, and we're confidential. The first step to
recovery is admission that you have a problem.

Call us today. That is, if you can power off to free up your phone line.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Fw: This should make you feel a lot smarter!!

-I can't believe how bad this one is. Even I am not this ignorant. jb

Subject: Fw: This should make you feel a lot smarter!!

BRAIN CRAMPS

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as
Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not
live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we
would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would
not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

``````````````````````````````````
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that,
but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey

````````````
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for
federal anti-smoking campaign .

`````````````````````````````````````````````````

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett,
University of Kentucky basketball forward .

`````````````````````````````````````````````
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

````````````````````````````````````````````````````
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death
by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.

````````````````````````````
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

``````````````````````````````````
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President

```````````````````
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle

``````````
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca

```````````
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports
analyst.

````````````````````````````````````````````
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.

`````````````````````````````````
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

````````````````
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective
March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God
bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

````````````````````````````````````````````
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack
in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their
heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when
they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Feeling smarter yet?

Send it on to your brilliant friends.
I just did!!
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BIBLE vs. CELL PHONES

I wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible Like we treat our
Cell phones?

What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets?

What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it?

What if we flipped through it several times a day?

What if we used it to receive messages from the text?

What if we treated it like we couldn't live without It?

What if we gave it to kids as gifts?

What if we used it as we traveled?

What if we used it in case of an emergency?

What if we upgraded it to get the latest version?

This is something to make you go...hmmm...where is my Bible?

Oh, and one more thing. Unlike our cell phone, we don't ever have to
worry about our bible being disconnected because Jesus already paid the
bill!

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
A MAN NAMED JED

Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed.
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "They pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."
Windows, that is... PC's... Workstations...
Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer.
The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from here."
They said, "California is the place ya oughta be,"
So he bought some donuts and he moved to Silicon Valley...
Intel, that is... Pentium ... Big amusement park...
On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said, "Your project's late, but we know just what to do,
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"
OT, that is... Unpaid... Mandatory...
The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"
Tired, that is... Stressed out... No social life...
Months turned to years and his hair was turning gray.
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.
Laid off, that is... De-briefed... Unemployed...
Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start your own firm,
Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm.
Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...
Y'all come back now... Ya hear'!

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Kids Letters To God
Dear God, Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter.
There is nothing good in there now. --Ginny =========

Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a
puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. --Joyce
=========

Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come
apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. --Janet =========

Dear God, If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer
Horton-because I hate her. --Denise =========

Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He
said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I
hope you will not hurt him anyway. --Your friend (I am not going to
tell you who I am) =========

Dear God, I read the bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me.
--Love, Alison =========

Dear God, How did you know you were God? --Charlene =========

Dear God, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his
bowling words in the house? --Anita =========

Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the
whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do
it. --Nan =========

Dear God, Did you really mean Do Unto Others As They Do Unto You,
because if you did then I'm going to fix my brother. --Darla =========

Dear God, I like the story about Chanukah the best of all of them. You
really made up some good ones. --Glenn =========

Dear God, My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How
far back do you go? --Love, Dennis =========

Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries? --Nan =========

Dear God, It's o.k. that you made different religions but don't you get
mixed up sometimes? --Arnold =========

Dear God, In bible times did they really talk that fancy? --Jennifer
=========

Dear God, What does it mean you are a jealous God? I thought you had
everything. --Janet =========

Dear God, How come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't
do any now? --Seymour =========

Dear God, Please send Dennis Clark to a different camp this year.
--Peter =========

Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they
had their own rooms. It works with my brother. --Larry =========

Dear God, I keep waiting for spring but it never did come yet. Don't
forget. --Mark =========

Dear God, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways.
--Dean =========

Dear God, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound
right. --Marsha =========

Dear God, If you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new
shoes. --Mickey =========

Dear God, Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him
through business? --Donny =========

Dear God, In Sunday School they told us what you do. Who does it when
you are on Vacation? --Jane =========

Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School they
said you did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. --Sincerely, Donna
=========

Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just
want you to know but I am not just saying that because you are God.
--Charles =========

Dear God, It is great the way you always get the Stars in the right
places. --Jeff =========

Dear God, I am doing the best I can. --Frank =========

Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset
you made on Tuesday. That was Cool. --Eugene

======= Quote of the day =======

It's funny how when were children, all we want to do is grow up, but
when we're older and grown up, we wish the world was as simple and
innocent as it were when we were a child.

--Tim Hussar

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A father asked his son what he had learned in Sunday School.The boy
replied, "We learned about how Moses went behind enemy lines to rescue
the Jews from the Egyptians. Moses ordered the engineers to build a
pontoon bridge. After the people had crossed, he sent bombers back to
blow up the bridges and the Egyptian tanks that were following them.
And then..."

"Did your teacher really tell it like that?" the father inquired.

The son answered, "No, Dad, but if I told you what he said, you would
never believe it!"

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"Senior Personal Ads"
Foxy Lady:
Intriguing, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4"
(used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing
companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

Long-Term Commitment:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for
someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of
breath not a problem.

Serenity Now:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and
meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our
hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

Winning Smile:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to
share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

Beatles or Stones?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday
nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick,
or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my
eight-track tapes.

Memories:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember
Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

Mint Condition:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts
including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but
walks well.

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Generous Giving

The story is told of a farmer who was known for his generous giving,
and whose friends could not understand how he could give so much and
yet remain so prosperous.

One day a friend said: "We can't understand it. You give far more than
any of the rest of us, and yet you always seem to have more to give."

"That's easy to explain," the farmer said. "I keep shoveling into God's
bin, and God keeps shoveling back into mine, and God has the bigger
shovel."
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I Don't Want to Go to Church Today

I Don't Want to Go to Church Today

Early one Sunday morning, a wife went in to wake up her husband.

"Wake up, honey. It's time to go to church!"

"I don't want to go," complained the husband.

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, none of the members listen when I talk, and the elders are mean
to me! You give me two reasons why I should go to church."

"Well, for one, it is the right thing to do. And for another, you're
the PREACHER!"
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My final thought for the day ....

How did I go from being the life of the party to not even knowing
where the party is!!!!
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Thats all for todays collection of Grins, Giggles and Groaners ...
compiled and sent to you just for the fun of it.
Hope you got a few chuckles from our offering. Have a Great Weekend
Everyone. ANd remember:

So Long from Chicago --- The Ole Fritbear!!!

IF YOU DRINK, PLEASE DON'T DRIVE!!!!

**** ON THIS DAY ****