Archives at Zinester: The Daily Funnies. The Funnies. Humor & Jokes

Welcome New Subscribers
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

WEDNESDAY AUGUST 30,2006

THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Age appears best in four things: old wood to burn, old wine to drink, old friends to trust and old authors to read.

Benny is nearly 80 years old and goes to his doctor for his yearly
medical checkup. His wife Becky comes along with him. As soon as they
enter the doctor's office, the doctor says to Benny, "I need a urine
sample and a stool sample." Benny's hearing was not as good as it used
to be, so he looks at Becky and shouts, "What did the doctor say he
wanted?" Becky shouts back, "He wants your underwear."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"What kind of job do you do?" a lady passenger asked the man traveling
in her compartment. "I'm a naval surgeon," he replied. "Goodness!" said
the lady, "How you doctors specialize these days."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"David Hasselhoff was arrested for driving under the
influence. Cops thought Hasselhoff could be under the
influence when they noticed his talking car was slurring
its words." --Conan O'Brien
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Now they're saying all this terrorist activity could lead
to higher oil prices. When asked why, the oil companies
said, 'Cause everything leads to higher oil prices.' In
fact, the price of crude oil could hit $80 a barrel. That's
not crude -- that's obscene." --Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On my first day working at the gas station, I watched a
senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the under-
ground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into
them.

"What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?"
I joked.

"It would go out," he replied very matter-of-factly.

"Really?" I asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a
lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would
extinguish it before the fumes ignited?"

"No," my co-worker continued. "The force from the explosion
would blow out the match."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We were discussing the "don'ts" of public speaking in the PR
class I teach. "Don'ts" include a man reaching into his
pants pocket and jangling change as he speaks, which is very
distracting. To illustrate my point, I asked for a student
volunteer, saying, "I need a man with coins in his pocket."

What I got instead was a girl yelling out, "Honey, so do I!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little old man starts having trouble hearing and goes to the
doctor.....says, "Doc, I'm having problems hearing!" The Doctor says
"Lets check this out." He looks into the man's ear with his flash light
and says, "There's a foreign object in here." Takes his tweezers and
pulls it out.......Doc says to the old man, "It's a suppository!!" The
old man takes a look, asks the Doc, "Can I use your phone? Need to tell
the wife that I know where I put that hearing aid!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth recently, John Howard turned to the Queen and said:
"As I'm the Prime Minister of Australia, I'm thinking of changing how my great country
is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom." The Queen replied,
"I'm sorry Mr. Howard, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge -
and you're not a King." John Howard thought a while and then said:
"How about a Principality then?" To which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you have
to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Howard." Howard thought long and hard and came up with
"How about an Empire then?" The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied :
"Sorry again, Mr. Howard, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge and
you are not an Emperor." Before Howard could utter another word, The Queen said:
"I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field.
Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man,
"Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man?" Not even looking at the preacher and
continuing his work, the farmer replied, "Naw, these here are soybeans."
"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?" With the same amount of interest
as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones.
You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here." The young determined preacher
tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?" "Naw!
I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.
"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked. This caught the
farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?" Thinking he had accomplished
something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day."
Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked,
"Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The resident began his examination of an elderly man by
asking him what brought him to the hospital.
The man replied, "An ambulance."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and
quite ill lady appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having
driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from
the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911
number and get an ambulance?" The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an
eleven."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set
the man's broken leg. "Well, doc, 25 years ago..." "Never mind the past.
Tell me how you broke your leg this morning." "Like I was saying... 25
years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right
after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my
room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said no, everything
is fine. 'Are you sure?' she asked. 'I'm sure,' I said. 'Isn't there
anything I can do for you?' she wanted to know. 'I reckon not' I
replied. "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do
with your leg?" "Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it
dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Trucker Bob took a day off work and went into town to get his CDL
driver's license renewed at the local Motor Vehicle Bureau, and as
usual, the place was jam packed.

The line inched along for almost two hours until he finally was able to
get to the front & get everything taken care of, ending with having his
picture taken, in order to get the license.

Before leaving the window tho, he decides to inspect his photo for a
moment and comments to the clerk,

"Ya know, I was standing in this freakin' line so long, I ended up
looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, "Oh, it's
okay, Bob. You know that's exactly how you're going to look when the
cops pull you over anyway."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three construction contractors died and went to heaven - a Black, a Jew, and
an Italian. When they got there St. Peter welcomed them warmly and asked if
they could do him a favor before they entered heaven. It seems that the
Pearly gates were in need of some repair, and he wanted some estimates.

The Black contractor looked the job over carefully and estimated the job at
$600. When asked how he came up with that figure, he said, "$200 materials,
$200 labor, and $200 profit."

St. Peter then asked the Jewish contractor for an estimate. After careful
inspection the Jew answered, "$3000 - $1000 materials, $1000 labor, and
$1000 profit."

When St. Peter ask the Italian for an estimate, he answered immediately
without looking over the job at all - $2600. Asked how he came up with that
figure he answered, "Simple, $1000 for you, $1000 for me, and $600 to get
the low bidder over there to do the work."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BLONDIE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day
man decides to go hiing in Yellowstone National Park, he makes 4
mistakes that you should never make while hiking in a National Park like

Yellowstone. First he goes hiking alone. Never hike in the back-country
alone. Always go with at least one other person or a group of people,
that way there's somebody to talk to and who can run for help if there
is an emergency. Second, beforehe left on his hike he slapped on his
after-shave. Never wear after-shave or perfume when hiking in the
back-country, it's been known to attract the wild animals the bears and
such. So there he is hiking alone and reaking of after-shave. His third
mistake was that as he hiked he was being vey quiet, he didn't want to
disturb the little animals, chipmunks and rabbits. Always make noise
when hiking in a Natonal Park, it lets the bigger animals know your
there and they don't want to meet you anymor then you want to meet them.

Talk to you friends, sing songs or wear a bear bell. So there he is
hiking alone, raking of aftershave and being very quiet. He rounds a
bend in the trail an comes face toface with a huge Grizzly Bear that
didn't hear him coming, but smelled him. Here he makes his fourth and
final mistake by turning arond on the trail and running away. By doing
this he shows the bear that he's afraid and possible prey so the bear
starts chasing him. Everybody knows that a Grizzly Bear can run as fast
as a race horse for short distances so his chances of out running him
are about zero to none. So our hiker is running and running and the bear
is chasing close behind. Finally the man is totally exhausted and can't
go another step. He drops to his knees in the middle of the trail puts
his hands together and he starts praying. He prays for his mother, his
father, his LIFE! Pretty soon he hears a growling noise next to him, he
looks over and there's the bear, it's down on it's knees, it has it;s
paws put together and it's praying also. He looks at the bear and the
bear looks at him and the bear says, "I don't know about you, but I'm
saying grace."

**** Quickies ****

**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent. I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.

Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****