"A mild earthquake shook Mexico City. Fortunately no citizens  
of Mexico City were hurt because they're all living in Los  
Angeles." --Conan O'Brien
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Tuesday will mark the one-year anniversary of Hurricane  
Katrina -- the storm that nearly destroyed New Orleans. The  
White House's response to Katrina can best be filed under  
job comma 'heckuva.'" --Jon Stewart   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The Emmy Awards were last night. It was a very tough night  
for me. I will admit I got a little carried away with the  
acceptance speech and started going on and on. But they  
didn't have to kick me out of Hooters." --Dave Letterman   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a
small New England town where Paul Newman and
his family often visited. One Sunday morning the woman got up
early to take a long walk.

After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to
treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice
cream cone. She hopped in the car, drove to the
center of the village and went straight to the
combination bakery/ice cream parlor. There was
only one other patron in the store.

Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a
doughnut and coffee.

The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes
made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes.
The actor nodded graciously and the star-struck
woman smiled demurely.

Pull yourself together! she chides herself.
You're a happily married woman with three
children; you're forty-five-years old, not a teenager!

The clerk filled her order and she took the
double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and
her change in the other. Then when she went out the door,
avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction.

When she reached her car, she realized that
she had a handful of change - but her other
hand was empty. Where's my ice cream cone? Did
I leave it in the store?

Back into the shop she went, expecting to see
the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on
the counter or something. But no ice cream cone was in sight.
With that, she happened to look over at
Paul Newman. His face broke into his familiar
warm, friendly grin and he said to the woman,

"You put it in your purse."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in  
his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother  
the lens was no where to be found.  

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned  
with the lens in her hand.  

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.  

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You  
were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking  
for $150."   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The young suitor was determined to win the heart of the woman  
he wanted to marry, in spite of her rejection of his proposal.  

He began what can only be called a "Campaign" and sent her a  
token of his affection every day for a month to her house.  

The plan was successful too -- the young lady fell in love  
with the UPS man
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's very difficult to keep one's place while singing Handel's Messiah, especially during the rousing Hallelujah Chorus. Our choir still hadn't quite mastered it, and after we finished one concert, a frazzled alto remarked, "Gee, I still had two pages to go." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Since my 13-year-old daughter, Janice, and 15-year-old son seldom showed interest in things from the '70s, I was curious as to why they were watching something from that era on TV. "We're starting to study Greece at school," Janice told me, "and my girlfriend just called and said this show was about it." I was pleased, but puzzled by what I was actually seeing. It was about ten minutes before I realised they were watching the movie 'Grease'. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man goes to the doctor.  He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg.
Something's wrong.   Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear,
"Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this
been going on?" asked the doctor.

"That's nothing Doc.  Put your ear to my knee."

The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I
really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!"

"Sir," said the dumbfounded Doctor, "I really don't know what to tell
you. I've never encountered anything like this before."

"Wait Doc, that's not it.   There's more, just put your ear up to my
ankle," the man urged.

The doctor did as the man said and heard the ankle plead, "Please, I
just need 5 dollars.  Lend me 5 bucks if you will."

"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing
about it in my books," he said.

"However, I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life
experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three
places."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For a special family-day service, I invited my parents to join me at my church. Unlike theirs, mine uses an overhead projector for the words to new hymns to appear on a screen for the whole congregation to see. All through the singing, and even after, I could see my mom beaming. When I asked her how she liked the service, she answered, "It was wonderful, but my favorite part was the karaoke!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was
almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her
car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.
She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a
blizzard, she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That
way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much
better and sure enough in a little while, a snow plow went by, and she
started to follow it.

As she followed the snow plow, she was feeling very smug as they
continued, and she was not having any problem with the blizzard
conditions. After quite sometime had passed, she was somewhat surprised
when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her
car and signaled her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver
wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a
long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her dad's advice
to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.


The driver replied that it was OK with him, and she could continue if
she wanted...but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going
over to Kmart next.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sure signs of aging

You sit down to breakfast and hear
"Snap, Crackle, and Pop" ... and you
haven't even poured milk on your cereal yet.

You get up to change the TV channel and
decide as long as you're up, you might as
well go to bed.

You start complaining that "They're building
car seats too darn low!"

Your ears perk up when a LAXATIVE
COMMERCIAL comes on TV.

You call the place you keep leftovers
the "ICEBOX".

No matter where you sit, no matter where
you are, THERE'S ALWAYS A DRAFT ON YOU!

You complain that the cleaners have started
shrinking your clothes.

You wonder why everyone else is starting
to MUMBLE.

Lawn care has become a pretty BIG part
of your life.

Your underwear starts creeping up on you
...AND YOU ENJOY IT!

You start videotaping DAYTIME game shows.

When you do the HOKEY POKEY, and you
"put your left hip out"...IT STAYS OUT!

One of the throw pillows on your bed is a
HOT WATER BOTTLE.

You think of a "quickie" as napping at a traffic light
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed
that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a
lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed
itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system
activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting
and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run
my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend
7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,

A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it
is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING
SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also
impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is
impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once
installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not
allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-

Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving
the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes
Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system
will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep
3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will
cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens,
the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase
additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short
Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause
irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Beverly was reading a newspaper, while her husband Harry was engrossed
in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.

"Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is
offering to swap his girl friend for a season ticket to the Red Wings
Stadium."

"Hmmm," he said, not looking up from his magazine.

Teasing him, Beverly said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"

"Absolutely not," he said.

"How sweet," Bev said. "Tell me why not."

"Season's been cancelled," he said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While I was visiting my mother, my brother called. He couldn't get his secondhand clothes dryer to work. He had tested it before buying and had been satisfied that it was a worthwhile purchase. My mother made several suggestions, but nothing seemed to work. Then my wife, sitting across the room, asked if the dryer door was open. Mom passed the question along, and her grin provided the answer. My brother quickly said good-bye and hung up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a recent vacation to England, my family spent a day visiting the botanical gardens in Ventnor on the Isle of Wight. We decided to have lunch in the tea garden on the grounds, and I lined up inside the self-serve snack bar. There was an open kitchen, staffed with ladies from the local horticultural society who were busy making salads and sandwiches, washing dishes and cleaning up.

A sign over the sink caught my eye: "Will ladies please rinse out teapots, then stand upside down in the sink. On no account must hot bottoms be placed on the work tops." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hey, how come there isn't any more hot water?" Walt asked, after taking a shower. His sixteen-year-old son Mark said, "It's my fault. I took three showers today, one after working out, another after mowing the yard, and a third one because I have a date with Angie tonight." "Well," said Walt, "Can you cut down on the number of showers you take?" "No problem, Dad. I'll start taking my showers over at Angie's."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Temple University's Bachelor of Music Education program required us students to play all the various types of woodwind instruments. After a pianist gave a particularly painful performance on the oboe, a difficult instrument to master, the instructor asked, "Any suggestions for improvement?" "Yes," came a voice from the back of the room, "go back to playing the piano."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man, accompanied by his wife, stopped at the border crossing where I am a Customs inspector. He was under the mistaken belief that if he claimed half of their combined purchases, he'd pay less duty. I explained I could include both names on one document, expediting the process, but he became rather belligerent and insisted he wanted his own receipts. Resigned, I began calculating the duty. The origin of the goods can significantly affect the duty, especially on shoes, clothing and textiles, and as I read the man's first item, I asked: "Do you know where your brassiere was made, sir?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was walking his dog by the gas station, and while talking to a friend, his dog started lapping up some gasoline that was on the ground. Suddenly, the dog shot off and the owner ran after him. A short time later, the man came back with the limp dog in his arms.

His friend asked him, "Is he dead?"

The man answered, "No, he just ran out of gas."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy asked his mother why the minister got a month's vacation while his dad only got two weeks. The mother answered, "Well, if he's a good minister, he needs it. If he isn't, the congregation needs it."

**** HEALTH NEWS ****

Parkinson's disease progression described  

BUFFALO, N.Y., -- University of Buffalo neuroscientists say  
they've described for the first time how Parkinson's disease  
progresses. The scientists determined rotenone, an environ-  
mental toxin linked specifically to Parkinson's disease,  
selectively destroys the neurons that produce dopamine, the  
neurotransmitter critical to body movement and muscle  
control. Microtubules, intracellular highways that transport  
dopamine to the brain area that controls body movement, are  
the crucial target, they report. Damage to microtubules  
prevents dopamine from reaching the brain's movement center,  
causing a back-up of the neurotransmitter in the transport  
system, the researchers found. The backed-up dopamine  
accumulates in the body of the neuron and breaks down,  
causing a release of toxic free radicals, which destroy the  
neuron. The study appears in the Journal of Biological  
Chemistry.   

Hepatitis C vaccinations seldom given  

NEW YORK`, N.Y., -- Researchers say Hepatitis C patients  
are seldom vaccinated against the Hepatitis A virus,  
despite longstanding medical recommendations. The  
Hepatitis A vaccine, or HAV, has been available since  
1995, yet Hepatitis C, or HAC, infection continues to be  
one of the most preventable illnesses in the United  
States. It can cause severe liver disease, liver failure  
and even death in Hepatitis C patients who already have  
chronic liver disease. HAV vaccination was recommended  
for HAC patients by the 1996 Advisory Committee on  
Immunization Practices and numerous other health agencies,  
but it was not known to what extent it is being applied.  
Research led by Dr. Edmund Bini of New York University  
School of Medicine showed 53.6 percent of the 1,193 HAC  
patients surveyed had antibody testing performed, and  
nearly half were susceptible to HAV infection. Yet only  
94 patients received the HAV vaccine and, of those, 45  
received only one dose. "The low rates of HAV testing  
and vaccination are striking given the presence of  
recommendations to vaccinate these individuals against  
HAV since 1996..." the authors wrote "These findings  
have substantial public health implications and  
represent missed opportunities for prevention." The  
study appears in the journal Hepatology.   

Gene mutation found causing farsightedness  

BALTIMORE, -- Johns Hopkins University researchers say  
they have discovered what appears to be the first human  
gene mutation that causes extreme farsightedness. The  
Wilmer Eye Institute researchers, working with an Amish-  
Mennonite family tree, report nanophthalmos, Greek for  
"dwarf eye," is a rare, potentially blinding disorder  
caused by an alteration in a gene called MFRP that helps  
control eye growth and regulates the organ's shape and  
focus. "The MFRP protein is only made in a tiny portion  
of the human eye, and it can alter eye refraction, or  
focus," said Olof Sundin, assistant professor of ophth-  
almology at the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine. "We  
hope this protein holds the key to unlocking not only  
nanophthalmos, but other forms of farsightedness and  
nearsightedness as well."  

Hot on track, hungry for title

NASCAR report

Notes: Jeremy Mayfield signs on with new team for next year.

Story

Fantasy Insider

Albert: Kenseth could drive hottest car in Cup to win in California.

Story

Up to Speed with Sorenson

Everything was great until the green flag dropped at Bristol.

Story