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These are clean jokes.
However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for younger readers -
PG
Welcome New
Subscribers
Anyone without a sense
of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us.
Heaven Help
Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it
is to get
wiser
9/9/06
THOUGHT FOR TODAY: There are hundreds
of
languages in the world, but a smile speaks all of them.
YOUR TOP TEN
The top 10 Country singles:
1. The Wreckers - Leave The Pieces
2. Steve Holy - Brand New Girlfriend
3. George Strait - Give
It Away
4. Rodney Atkins - If You're Going Through Hell (Before
The
Devil Even Knows)
5. Little Big Town - Bring
It On Home
6. Brooks & Dunn With Sheryl Crow & Vince
Gill - Building
Bridges
7. Josh Turner - Would
You Go With Me
8. Faith Hill - Sunshine And
Summertime
9. Heartland - I Loved Her First
10.
Keith Urban - Once In A Lifetime
The top 10
Country albums:
1. Rascal Flatts - Me
And My Gang
2. Trace Adkins - Dangerous Man
3.
Josh Turner - Your Man
4. Soundtrack - Broken
Bridges
5. Carrie Underwood - Some Hearts
6. Tim
McGraw - Greatest Hits Vol 2: Reflected
7. Dixie Chicks - Taking
The Long Way
8. The Wreckers - Stand Still, Look
Pretty
9. Rodney Atkins - If You're Going Through
Hell
10. Alan Jackson - Precious Memories
The top 10 Christian
singles:
1. Aaron Shust - My Savior, My
God
2. Third Day - Mountain Of God
3. Casting
Crowns - Praise You In Ths Storm
4. Chris Tomlin - Made To
Worship
5. Brian Littrell - Welcome Home
6.
MercyMe - So Long Self
7. Kutless - Strong Tower
8. David Crowder Band - Wholly Yours
9. tree63 - All Over
The World
10. Chris Tomlin - How Great Is Our
God
Top 10 DVD
sales:
1. Silent Hill -- Sony Pictures
Home Entertainment
2. Poseidon -- Warner Home Video
3. RV -- Sony Pictures Home Entertainment
4. Scary Movie 4
-- Genius Products
5. Just My Luck -- 20th Century
Fox
6. Inside Man -- Universal Studios Home Video
7. House M.D.: Season Two -- Universal Studios Home Video
8.
V For Vendetta -- Warner Home Video
9. The Perfect Man --
Universal Studios Home Video
10. Phat Girlz -- 20th Century
Fox
Top 10 DVD Rentals:
1. Poseidon -- Warner Home Video
2. Inside Man --
Universal Studios Home Video
3. Silent Hill -- Sony Pictures
Home Entertainment
4. RV -- Sony Pictures Home
Entertainment
5. Scary Movie 4 -- Genius Products
6. Just My Luck -- 20th Century Fox
7. V For Vendetta --
Warner Home Video
8. The Benchwarmers -- Sony Pictures Home
Entertainment
9. Final Destination 3 -- New Line
Entertainment
10. The Shaggy Dog -- Walt Disney Home
Entertainment
Top 10
singles:
1. Justin Timberlake --
SexyBack
2. Fergie - London Bridge
3. Gnarls
Barkley - Crazy
4. The Pussycat Dolls Featuring Snoop Dogg -
Buttons
5. Sean Paul Featuring Keyshia Cole - (When You Gonna)
Give
It Up To Me
6. Nelly Furtado Featuring
Timbaland - Promiscuous
7. Snow Patrol - Chasing
Cars
8. Ne-Yo - Sexy Love
9. Nickelback - Far
Away
10. Cassie - Me &
You
Top 10 albums:
1. Bob
Dylan - Modern Times
2. Danity Kane - Danity Kane
3. Young Dro - Best Thang Smokin'
4. Christina Aguilera -
Back To Basics
5. Jessica Simpson - A Public Affair
6. Soundtrack - The Cheetah Girls 2
7. OutKast - Idlewild
(Soundtrack)
8. Method Man - 4:21... The Day After
9. The Roots - Game Theory
10. Nickelback - All The Right
Reasons
The top 10 Mainstream
Rock tracks:
1. Stone Sour - Through
Glass
2. Three Days Grace - Animal I Have Become
3. Breaking Benjamin - The Diary Of Jane
4. Audioslave -
Original Fire
5. Hinder - Lips Of An Angel
6.
Disturbed - Land of Confusion
7. Godsmack - Shine
Down
8. Nickelback - Rockstar
9. Shinedown -
Heroes
10. Korn - Coming Undone
****JOKE TIME****
Efficiency
experts have even invaded religion, specifically the Catholic confessional. They
tell of a church with a sign that reads: Express Confession -- for parishioners
with five sins or
Less.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sitting at
the bar where I was the bartender was an older men who looked like he had a long
day. After two or three drinks he rested his head on the bar. I walked over to
him and tapped my hand near his head to informed him that this was not
permitted.
Slowly he lifted his head up to meet my eyes and asked me if I
believed in reincarnation. Not wanting to get to involved in a conversation with
the gentleman I said yes.
"So do I," he said, "I want to come back as a
dog." His head started to sag towards the bar again, when he sat back up and
said, "If I do come back as a dog I know my wife will come back as a
flea."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman
hurried into a shop, picked up a can of fly-spray, handed it to the assistant
and asked, "Is this good for wasps?" After looking at it for a moment, he said,
"No madam. It will kill
them."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I want you to understand," said Joshua Frey, "that I got my
money by hard work." "Why, I thought it was left to you by your rich
aunt!"
"So it was; but I had to work like hell to get it away from the
lawyers!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kerry the tomcat was scampering all
over the neighborhood, down alleys, up fire escapes, into cellars. A disturbed
neighbor knocked on the owner's door and said, "Your cat is rushing about like
mad." "I know," the man conceded." Kerry's just been neutered, and he's running
around cancelling engagements."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"It's
Elvis Presley's birthday today. Elvis and I have a few things in common. Both he
and I have performed here in the Ed Sullivan Theater, and both of us are rumored
to still be alive." --Dave
Letterman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One
evening just after we had a huge snowfall in our area, I received a call from a
lawn-care service wanting to know if they could give us an estimate. I laughed
and said, "You can't even see our lawn under all this snow!" Cheerfully the
salesman replied, "That's why we call it an
estimate."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While on a trip to Spain,
our tour group had many opportunities to enjoy the wonderful local food and
drink. As I dressed for dinner one evening, I complained to my roommate about my
appearance-my top looked terrible, with all the lumps and bumps
showing.
"We all look like that," she consoled me, "with all the money
belts and pouches we wear underneath."
"But I'm not wearing any!" I
wailed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Each morning Jake would
drive down Sunset Blvd. on his way to work. For the past year a pretty hooker
standing on the corner of Sunset gave him the eye as he passed. Of late, she
took to showing him parts of what he would get if he stopped to pick her up.
Jake was a good husband and family man and didn't want to cheat on his wife.
However, lately the hooker was looking so tempting, he could not get her out of
his mind.
After spending many sleepless nights, he went to consult a
psychiatrist. He told the psychiatrist she was driving him crazy, he was married
45 years, and did not want to cheat on his wife.
"What should I do?"
asked Jake.
The psychiatrist said: "Take Melrose Avenue."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While
working in the psychology department at Glen Oaks Community College in
Centreville, MI, I was asked to enlarge a chart for a meeting. I called the copy
room and asked,
"Can I get something blown up down there?"
After a
pause the voice on the line replied,
"I think you want the chemistry
lab."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She: "What did the doctor say?"
He: "He
said I had to lose a couple of pounds."
She: "Just a couple of pounds? By
the way, how often did he say it?"
He: "Oh, about 9 or 10
times."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did you throw the pot of geraniums at the plaintiff?" "Because
of an advertisement, your honor."
"What advertisement?"
"'Say it
with
flowers.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Well, what is the matter with your husband?"
"I think, doctor, he
is worrying about money."
"Ah! I think I can relieve him of that!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Doctor, what should a woman take when she is run down?"
"The
license number, madame, the license
number."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge: "What were you doing in that place when it
was raided?"
Locksmith: "I was making a bolt for the door."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was
wearing a Band-Aid and a gal came up and asked, "Did you cut yourself?" I said,
"No, I just like the feeling of my arm hair being ripped out when I take this
off."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My
family has a tradition of naming the cruise control on our cars. We were used to
hearing my father proclaim, "Take it, Max," as he flipped on the cruise control
during long trips in our station wagon.
Recently, I was traveling with my
parents in their new car when we hit a wide-open expanse of highway. My dad
leaned back and said, "I think I'll let Tom drive for a while."
"Tom
who?" I asked.
My mother translated for me: "Tom Cruise, of
course."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When
I was little, my grandmother used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes
without moving. She said it was elevator
practice
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While trying on clothing in a department store dressing room, I could
hear the conversation between two ladies in the next cubicle. "You know," said
one, "I thought my looks were improving with age, then I realized my eyesight is
deteriorating."
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Shirley's
ressypees e-zine
We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular
recipe,
send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca
**** HEALTH
NEWS ****
Breast cancer rates
stop rising
BETHESDA, Md., -- The National Cancer
Institute in Bethesda,
Md., said the breast cancer rate in the
United States stop-
ped rising in 2001 and may have begun to
fall in 2003. The
institute said the data represent an end to
the rise of
breast cancer rates, which had been on a steady
incline
since the 1980s. However, the organization's report said
it
will take years to find out if the trend is lasting or
a
temporary reprieve, The Washington Post reported
Thursday.
"I think we're finally beginning to see a change --
that it's
leveling off -- and we may even be seeing the start of
a
decline," said the institute's Brenda Edwards, who led
the
team that compiled the report. "We have to be cautious.
But
I think it's real." About 137.3 breast cancer cases were
re-
ported for every 100,000 women in 2001. That number
dropped
to 133.8 in 2002 and to 124.2 in 2003. Edwards and her
team
speculated the change may have been influenced by a peak
in
the use of mammography, a plateau in the number of
women
delaying childbirth and a drop in the number of women
using
hormones after
menopause.
Boston
Scientific admits stent risks
NATICK, Mass., -- The
U.S.-based Boston Scientific Corp.
has admitted there is an
increased risk of blood clots
caused by use of its drug-coated
cardiac stent. The com-
pany -- the leading stent seller in the
nation -- says
an analysis of clinical data reveals the
increased risk
of blood clots months after a stent is implanted,
The
Wall Street Journal reported, noting the
announcement
marks the first time any stent maker has
acknowledged
the heightened risk of side effects from using
drug-
coated stents. Stents are small, wire-mesh tubes
that
are inserted into a blood vessel or other body
structure
to provide support and keep the structure open. The
drugs
used to coat some stents are designed to prevent
growth
of tissue after implantation. The Journal said stent
sales
exceed $5 billion annually in a market dominated by
Boston
Scientific and Johnson & Johnson. Boston Scientific,
which
has its headquarters in Natick, Mass., claims recent
stud-
ies suggest both its Taxus brand of stent and J&J's
Cypher
stent present similar risks of late-occurring blood
clots.
J&J company officials, however, told the Journal they
see
no statistically significant risk of late
thrombosis
caused by their Cypher
stents.
Brain protein
implicated in memory loss
DURHAM, N.C., -- A
U.S.-led study suggests defects in a
crucial brain protein level
is involved in memory loss,
similar to the symptoms of
Alzheimer's disease. The Duke
University Medical Center research
shows the ability to
recognize familiar objects is lost when
levels of the
neurotransmitter acetylcholine are reduced. Mice
genet-
ically engineered to have modest defects in
acetylcholine
display symptoms resembling those of Alzheimer's,
such as
the inability to remember familiar faces, according
to
the team of international researchers. "By using
these
genetically engineered mice as models of Alzheimer's,
we
can learn more about the neuronal circuitry of the
brain
and perhaps even discover new ways to alleviate
the
symptoms of this devastating disease," said senior
study
investigator Marc Caron, a professor of cell
biology.
"Acetylcholine is important for every function in the
body
-- breathing, eating, walking, practically
everything,"
Caron said. "If we (eliminated) the protein
completely,
then the mice would die. So instead, we just knocked
its
function down to a low level." The U.S.-Brazilian
team
reports its findings in the Sept. 7 issue of the
journal
Neuron.
**** ON THIS DAY
****
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus
protection
http://avast.com
It is
excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U
Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read
this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject
Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****
Subscribe Today: Home Delivery of USA TODAY - Save 35%
**** COUNTRY CALENDAR
****
-9-
Roger Dale Tubb, son of Ernest Tubb, killed in a car wreck
1938.
Joe Clay born "Claiborne Joseph Cheramie," Harvey, LA 1938.
Wilton Frederick "Freddy" Weller, born Atlanta, GA 1947.
Tom Wopat born 1951.
Elvis Presley recorded "Good Rockin' Tonight/I Don't Care If The
Sun Don't Shine" at Sun Records in Memphis 1954. Sam Phillips auditioned Johnny
Cash later that same day.
Elvis Presley's first appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show
1956.
Tex Owens, age 70, singer/songwriter, died 1962.
Buck Owens and the Buckaroos played at the White House for
President Johnson 1968.
The Johnny Cash biography "Winners Got Scars Too" by Christopher
Wren released 1971.
Conway & Loretta's duet "Feelins'," went to # 1 in 1975.
The Johnny Cash Show toured Europe from the 9th through the
25th in 1975.
George Strait's "One Fire I Can't Put Out" topped the charts
1983.
Tracy Byrd married wife Michelle, in 1991.
Bill Monroe, age 84, "The Father of Bluegrass," died as a result
of a stroke 1996. Inducted CMHF 1970, NSHF 1971, IBMA Hall
of Honor 1991.
The 2002 CCMA Awards were presented in Calgary. Anne
Murray was inducted into the CCMAHF. Fans Choice Award: Terri Clark; Female
Artist: Carolyn Dawn Johnson; Male Artist: Paul Brant.
Terri Clark made her debut appearance on Good Morning
America, singing "Girls Lie Too" 2004.
Ernie Ball, age 74, manufacturer of guitars and strings, died in
California 2004.
-10-
Alonzo Elvis "Tony" Alderman, "The Hill Billies," born River
Hill, VA 1900.
Luke Wills, Western Swing
bandleader/singer/multi-instrumentalist, born Hall County, TX 1920.
Younger brother of Bob Wills.
Tommy Overstreet born Oklahoma City, OK 1937.
Ernest Tubbs' "Soldier's Last Letter" topped the charts
1944.
Jim Reeves quit the Louisiana Hayride in 1955, and joined
the Grand Ole Opry in October.
Justin Tubb, age 20, became the youngest ever member of the
Grand Ole Opry 1955.
Marty Robbins released "Maybelline," 1955.
The Louvin Brother's "When I Stopped Dreaming," charted
1955.
Rosie Flores, Rockabilly singer/guitarist, born San Antonio, TX
1956.
Cowboy Copas' "Alabam" went to # 1 in 1960.
Joe Callahan, age 61, of "The Callahan Brothers," died 1971.
Ronnie Milsap went to # 1 with "I'm A Stand By My Woman Man"
1976.
Ricky Skaggs released his "Highways and Heartaches," album
1982.
Carl Tipton died in 1989.
Garth Brooks released "Ropin' The Wind," 1991.
Mac Davis was honored in Hollywood, with a star in the Hollywood
Walk of Fame 1998.
Chris Cagle and schoolteacher Elizabeth Filer were married in
Houston, TX 2001.
Bill Anderson released his album "Five Star Collection"
2002.
Universal released "The Best of Dave Dudley" 2002.
Jamie O'Neal, LeAnn Rimes, and Michael Peterson performed at the Gstadd Music
Festival in Switzerland 2004.
****
COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****
Carrie Underwood,
Sugarland Unveil New Music Videos
New music videos
from Carrie Underwood and Sugarland make
their world TV debut
Thursday (Sept. 1) on CMT's Top Twenty
Countdown. Already
available for free viewing on CMT.com is
Underwood's "Before He
Cheats," the latest single from her
debut album, Some Hearts.
Sugarland's "Want To" is the
first single from the duo's album,
Enjoy the Ride, set for
release on Nov. 7. Top Twenty Countdown
airs at 4 p.m.
ET/PT.
**** Amy's Kitchen
****
Easy Beef Tips
2 lb.
lean stew beef
1 envelope dry onion soup mix
1 can condensed cream of
mushroom soup, undiluted
1 c. ginger ale
Layer beef, soup mix and
ginger ale in 2-qt. casserole. Bake, tightly
covered at 275 F. for 4 hours.
Serve over hot fluffy rice.
Serves 6
**** TODAY'S
USELESS FACT ****
Can you die from
laughing?
 It's certainly possible to
die while laughing -- probably by
choking on something. But we were unable to find any documented evidence of
someone literally "laughing to death." In fact, recent research suggests
laughing is actually very good for you. According to the Indiana University
School of Medicine, laughing helps relax tense muscles, lowers blood pressure,
and even burns calories. Humor and laughter is also becoming increasingly
popular as a form of psychiatric therapy. Look out, Carrot
Top.
Cardiologists at the University of Maryland Medical Center found
that people with heart disease are 40% less likely to laugh in a given situation
than people without heart disease. The key here seems to be stress reduction;
stress impairs the production of endothelial cells, which form a protective
lining in our blood vessels. A weak endothelium can lead to hardened arteries
and, quite literally, a hardened heart.
What exactly is laughter?
Laughter is a physiological response that's triggered by the limbic system, or the part of the brain that governs motivation and emotional
behaviors. During laughter, the epiglottis constricts the larynx, restricting
our ability to breathe. That's why a really good joke can sometimes seem pretty
dangerous -- but thankfully the breathing instinct always wins in the
end
LAST CALL
Y'ALL
HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA
HEAR!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out
there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
PLEASE
Don't take anything you see in
the Funnies personally.
The contents
are meant to be jokes, nothing more.
Everyone & everything is an
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Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed
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and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold
copyright
on any of these materials please inform me so I may give the
proper credit, or remove it which
ever you prefer.
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