Archives at Zinester: The Daily Funnies. The Funnies. Humor & Jokes

From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.

Welcome to The Funnies

"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
These are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG

Welcome New Subscribers
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

SATURDAY OCTOBER 7,2006

THOUGHT FOR TODAY: A woman who takes things from a man is called a girlfriend. A man who takes things from a woman is called a gigolo.

When some doctors were told to contribute to the construction of a new wing at the hospital...

-the allergists voted to scratch it.

-the dermatologists preferred no rash moves.

-the obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.

-the ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sited.

-the pediatricians said, 'Grow up.'

-the psychiatrists thought it was madness.

-the radiologists could see right through it.

-the plastic surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'

-the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

-the neurologists thought the administration 'had a lot of nerve.
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Three women, a brunette, a redhead and a blonde, escaped from the
Woman's Detention Center.

They have been running all night trying to stay ahead of the
authorities, when they come up to an old abandoned farm.

They desperately needed a rest so they decide to stay in the barn for
the night.

The next morning, just as they open the barn door to resume their
escape, they notice a police car coming up the dirt road.

"We got to hide", said the redhead. The brunette looked around and
spotted 3 burlap bags and said "Quick, hide in these bags and don't move
a muscle. Maybe they won't see us."

So they each climbed into a bag and lay on the hay, hoping they would go
unnoticed.

Sure enough, the police officer walks into the barn looking for the
three fugitives. He sees the three suspicious looking burlap bags on
the hay and decides to investigate. He walks over to the first one,
which is the one the brunette is hiding in, and gives it a little kick.

Not knowing what to do next the brunette decides to try and fool the
police officer. "Meow, meow" she said in a tiny little voice The police
man scratches his head for a minute and then says, "Oh, it's just the
farm cat."

Then he walks over to the second bag, in which the redhead was hiding,
and gives it a nudge with his foot.

Having heard what the brunette said she decides to bark, "woof, woof."

Again the police man scratches his head, and concludes, "Oh, it's just
an old farm dog.

Finally he makes his way over to the third bag, in which the blond was
keeping perfectly still. Once again the police man nudges the bag with
his foot, only this time there was no response.

He gives it another little kick, but still no response.

He decides to try it one last time, and gives it a couple more nudges,
then the heard a tiny little voice say, - "Potatoes."
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When the miniser picked up the phone, Special Agent Struzik from the IRS
was on the line.

"Hello, is this the minister?"

"Yes, this is."

"I'm calling to inquire about a member of your congregation, a Dr.
Shipe. Do you recognize the name?"

"Yes, he is a member of our congregation. How can I be of service?"

"Well, on last year's tax return, the doctor claimed that he made a
sizable tax-deductable contribution to your church. Is this true?"

"Well, I'll have to have our bookkeeper verify this information for you.
How much did Dr. Shipe say he contributed?"

"Twenty five thousand dollars," answered Agent Struzik. "Can you tell me
if that amount is true?"

There is a long pause. "I'll tell you what," replied the
minister.......

"Call back tomorrow. I'm sure it will be."
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The old panhandler living in New York hears that his brother is very
sick in Los Angeles. By working day and night for a week he is able to
beg enough to buy his airplane ticket. He arrives at Kennedy Airport,
goes to the ticket counter, and plunks down all the money.

The clerk at the counter counts it and says to the man,

"I'm sorry sir, but you're a nickel short."

The panhandler tells the clerk that he'll be right back. He runs out in
front of the terminal and stops the first man he sees.

"Mister, can you let me have a nickel, so I can get to California?"

The stranger flips him a quarter and says....

"Here, take four of your friends."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The waitress comes over and recognizes the family seated at the
table; Mr & Mrs Smith and their little son. Jonathan.

She says, "Jonathan, what would you like?"

He says, "I'll have a grilled cheese sandwich."

She says, "Jonathan, I'm sorry, we don't serve grilled cheese
sandwiches."

He says, "You have a grill, don't you?"

She says, "Yes."

He says, "You have cheese, don't you?"

She says, "Yes."

He says, "You have bread, don't you?"

She says, "Yes."

He says, "Well, I'll have a grilled cheese sandwich."

Three years old!!

The waitress says, "Jonathan, I'll go see if the chef will fix you a
grilled cheese sandwich."

She comes back in a little while and says, "Okay, Jonathan, the chef
agreed to fix you a grilled cheese sandwich. I forgot to ask you,
though, what you want to drink."

He says, "I'll have a milkshake."

She says, "Jonathan, your parents have probably already told you we
don't serve milkshakes." She was ready for him this time. She says,
"Now, it is true we have milk. And it is true we have ice cream. But we
don't have the syrup."

He says, "You have a car, don't you?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Al Gore told the United Nations that cigarette smoking is a significant contributor to global warming. To be fair, you have to blame us, the non-smokers. We're the ones that made them go outside, right?" --Jay Leno
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Do you believe in love at first sight or should I drive by again?
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"Some public school now will be serving sushi. Well, if you love cafeteria meatloaf, you're going to really love cafeteria sushi!" --Dave Letterman
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"Today President Bush is on a trip to California, but he and Republican Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger went out of their way to avoid each other. Experts say this is bad news for the Republican Party, but great news for the English language." --Conan O'Brien
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So, thundered Matt’s furious father, “you have been expelled from college, have you?”

“Yes, Dad. I am a fugitive from a brain gang.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Senate was holding hearings on deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly, making them think they're going to get a bunch of money, when in reality they never see any of it. The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.
Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new parents how to care for their infants.

As I was demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young Asian couple turned to me and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby like an egg roll?"

"Yes," I replied, "That is a good analogy."

"I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said anxiously. "Can I wrap my baby like a burrito?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm a traveling salesman and the lengthy trips I make can be very lonely. When my five-year-old daughter, Jennifer, gave me a little stuffed penguin with a hand-painted sign that said, "I love My Dad!" I started carrying it everywhere. Through the years, that penguin traveled hundreds of thousands of miles. Once, at JFK airport in New York, a customs inspector pulled it out of my suitcase and summed up its meaning: "That's about the most valuable thing I've seen in all my years on the job," he said. Thank God we don't charge tax on love.

**** Quickies ****

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
~
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm
positive..."
~
A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
~
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
~
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve
food in here."
~
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
~
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A
beer please, and one for the road."
~
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
~
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That
sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."
~
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I
was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said
Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
~
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.
~
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
~
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a
look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks
his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?
Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
~
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are
five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom
or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother
Ho-Cha-Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
~
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.
~
I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are
too high."
~
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't - I've cut off your arms!"
~
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
~
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it
too.
~
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
~
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
~
You looked troubled," I told my friend,
"what's your problem?"
He replied, "I'm going to be a father."
"But that's wonderful," I said.
"What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know it yet."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Shirley's ressypees e-zine
We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular
recipe,
send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca

SUBSCRIBE RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

**** HEALTH NEWS ****

New way to control inflammation

BOSTON, -- U.S. researchers say they've discovered a new
way to control or terminate potentially harmful immune
responses that produce inflammation. Immune responses
defend against invading pathogens and eliminate dangerous
tumor cells, for example, but once the threat has been
destroyed, the immune responses must end. If left uncon-
trolled, immune activity can cause autoimmune conditions
in which the immune system attacks healthy tissues of
the body. The immune system uses many strategies to shut
down immune responses, one of which is signaling cells
to die. Now Charles Serhan and colleagues at Harvard
University Medical School have demonstrated in mice and
humans that dying immune cells express a surface protein
that allows them to act as sponges, effectively removing
factors that would otherwise promote inflammation. The
scientists say their findings highlight a previously un-
appreciated role of dying immune cells -- potentially
offering a strategy for dampening chronic inflammatory
conditions by tricking the immune response to terminate
the process. The report appears in this week's issue of
the journal Nature Immunology.

Flu vaccine distributing plans announced

AUSTIN, Texas, -- U.S. mathematical biologists say
they've developed flu vaccine distribution alternatives
for use when faced with vaccine shortages during flu
outbreaks. The University of Texas researchers used con-
tact network epidemiology to model various strategies,
including the U.S. Centers for Disease Control strategy
of targeting high-risk groups, such as infants, senior
citizens and people with health complications. They also
tested the idea of targeting school children, who are
critical vectors in moving diseases through communities.
"If we only have a limited flu vaccine supply, the best
distribution strategy depends on the contagiousness of
the strain," said Lauren Ancel Meyers, assistant professor
of integrative biology. "We can more effectively control
mildly contagious strains by vaccinating school children,
while we can more effectively control moderately and
highly contagious strains by vaccinating high-risk
groups." If there is no information available about the
contagiousness of a flu strain or if vaccines are only
available after the outbreak begins, the study recommends
prioritizing vaccines for people in high-risk groups who
can experience the greatest complications due to the
disease. The research appears in the current issue of the
journal PLoS Medicine.

Human antibiotic resistance is studied

MARSHFIELD, Wis., -- U.S. researchers say they've deter-
mined the use of antibiotics as a livestock growth
stimulator increases the risk of human antibiotic resis-
tance. Dr. Edward Belongia of the Marshfield (Wis.)
Clinic Research Foundation and colleagues examined poul-
try exposure as a risk factor for antibiotic resistance
to Enterococcus faecium, a gut bacterium that's increas-
ingly becoming the cause of hospital infections. A drug
combination called quinupristin-dalfopristin, also known
as Synercid, is used to treat serious E. faecium infec-
tions resistant to the first-choice antibiotic. Synercid
is related to virginiamycin, an antibiotic that has long
been used as a growth promoter in U.S. livestock but is
banned in Europe. The scientists isolated E. faecium in
stool samples from 105 newly hospitalized patients and
65 healthy vegetarians, as well as in 77 samples of con-
ventional retail poultry and 23 antibiotic-free poultry
meat samples. Laboratory tests showed the bacteria from
patients and vegetarians had no pre-existing resistance
to Synercid. Resistance was rare among antibiotic-free
poultry but a majority of bacterial isolates from
conventional poultry samples were resistant. The study
is detailed in the Nov. 1 issue of The Journal of
Infectious Diseases, and is available online.

*****Fred.....The Ole Fritbear!!!*****
Here they are ... another edition of Grins, GIggles and Groaners.
Sent your way, "just for the fun of it"

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Memory is what tells a man that his wife's birthday was yesterday.

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A newly wed couple flew to Orlando, Florida, for their honeymoon, and
as soon as they landed, they rented a car. They were so impressed
with the sporty model they gave us that they jumped right in and
dashed off.

Reaching their hotel, they realized they had forgotten to claim the
luggage. They drove back to the airport where the groom was directed
to a small office. Self-consciously, he told the man behind the desk
that they were on their honeymoon. "That would explain," he observed,
"why you didn't need your clothes."

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I arrived home from the doctor's happy and excited, and told my
husband, a military man, that we were going to have a baby. He was
thrilled, until I told him the due date was November 11. He looked
alarmed. "You can't!" he exclaimed. "That's Veteran's Day! I'm on
parade."

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A huge aspen tree with a small birdhouse hanging from it stands
outside our cottage. Every year one of our chores is to clean the old
nest out, but for some reason, one year Dad kept putting it off.

During a thunderstorm one afternoon, we heard a loud crack. We all
ran outside and discovered our beloved tree had split down the
center. Bark lay all over the yard, and the birdhouse had been blown
through the air, the old nest dislodging and falling to the ground.
As we silently surveyed the damage, Mom suddenly turned to Dad. "I
told you to clean out that birdhouse!" she admonished.

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Optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place.

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Few groaners....Doctor, Doctor I keep painting myself gold Don't
worry it's just a gilt complex!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a dog. How long have you felt like this?
Ever since I was a puppy!

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pack of cards. I'll deal with you later!

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up
on the roof and gets stuck. - George Carlin

One good thing about high food costs, each day they say another food
is bad for us anyway.

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Henry Fonda was asked to say in one phrase the one most important
thing that any young actor has to know. Fonda answered, "How to
become an old actor."

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The weather was very hot, so this man wanted desperately take a dive
in the nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who
cared? He was all alone.

So, he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful
minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore
in his direction.

He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket, which lay on
the sandy beach. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and
sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted
to move. Then one of the ladies said, "You know, I have a special
gift, I can read minds."

"Impossible," said the embarrassed man, "You really know what I'm
thinking?"

"Yes," the lady replied, "I know that you think that the bucket
you're holding has a bottom in it."

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An atheist was spending a quiet day hiking through the woods when
suddenly he was attacked by Bigfoot. In one easy flip, the beast
tossed him high into the air. As the man sailed head over heels, he
cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the
atheist hung in midair, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I
thought you didn't believe in Me?"

"Come on God, give me a break!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I
didn't believe in Bigfoot either!"

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An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a
turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear
across the river. "What did you do that for?" asked a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my
trunk 54 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.

"Yes," said the elephant, .... "turtle recall"..

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A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods
totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the
previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-
mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for
the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call,
"Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

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An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital, but didn't
quite make it. She gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later
the father received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: $1000." He
wrote the hospital and reminded them that the baby was born on the
front lawn. A week passed, and a corrected bill arrived: "Greens Fee:
$200."

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The editor of a small country newspaper, furious over several
government bills that had recently been passed, printed a scathing
editorial with an enormous headline: "HALF THE LEGISLATORS ARE CROOKS"'.

Many local Politicians were outraged and exerted tremendous pressure
on him to print a retraction. He finally gave in to the pressure and
ran his apology with the headline: "HALF THE LEGISLATORS SAY THEY ARE
NOT CROOKS".

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Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone.
In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of
the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a
lengthy speech.

"Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call
because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car
has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened.
The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please
don't be mad, okay?"

Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had dialed my
number by mistake. "I'm sorry dear," I replied, "but you've reached
the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan."

"Wow, Mom," the young woman's voice replied, "I didn't think you'd be
this mad!"

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Thats ALL ... Hope you had a few chuckles or maybe some hearty
laffs.

**** Reader's Submissions ****

"God's Garden"

Why do I always have to be the one that starts to do laundry and there's no detergent? I guess it was time for me to do my "Dollar Store" run, which included light bulbs, paper towels, trash bags and Clorox. So off I go.

I scurried around the store, gathered up my goodies, and headed for the checkout counter only to be blocked in the narrow aisle by a young man that appeared to be about sixteen-years-old. I wasn't in a hurry, so I patiently waited for the boy to realize that I was there. This was when he waved his hands excitedly in the air and declared in a loud voice, "Mommy, I'm over here." It was obvious now, he was mentally challenged, and also startled as
he turned and saw me standing so close to him, waiting to squeeze by.

His eyes widened and surprise exploded on his face as I said, "Hey Buddy, what's your name?"
"My name is Denny and I'm shopping with my mother," he responded proudly.

"Wow," I said, "that's a cool name; I wish my name was Denny, but my name is Hal."

"Hal like Halloween?" he asked.

"Yes," I answered. "How old are you Denny?

"How old am I now Mommy?" he asked his mother as she slowly came over from the next aisle.

"You're fifteen-years-old Denny; now be a good boy and let the man pass by."

I acknowledged her and continued to talk to Denny for several more minutes about summer, bicycles and school. I watched his brown eyes dance with excitement because he was the center of someone's attention. He then abruptly turned and headed toward the toy section.

Denny's mom had a puzzled look on her face and thanked me for taking the time to talk with her son. She told me that most people wouldn't even look at him, much less talk to him. I told her that it was my pleasure and then I said something I have no idea where it came from, other than by the prompting of the Holy Spirit. I told her that there are plenty of red, yellow and pink roses in God's garden, however, "Blue Roses" are very rare and should be appreciated for their beauty and distinctiveness. You see,
Denny is a "Blue Rose" and if someone doesn't stop and smell that rose with their heart and touch that rose with their kindness, then they've missed a blessing from God.

She was silent for a second, then with a tear in her eye
she asked, "Who are you?" Without thinking I said, "Oh, I'm probably just a "daffodil or maybe even a dandelion," but I sure love living in God's garden.

**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent. I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.

Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

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This is a link for FREE virus protection
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**** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****

Subscribe Today: Home Delivery of USA TODAY - Save 35%

**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****

-7-

Uncle Dave Macon born Warren County, TN 1870, inducted CMHF 1966.

Vaughn Monroe born Akron, OH 1911.

Hugh Cherry, disc jockey, born Louisville, KY 1922.

Jimmie Rodgers first record released 1927.

Jim Halsey, manager/promoter, born Independence, KS 1930.

Gordon Terry born Decatur, AL 1931.

Buddy Lee, Booking Agent, born Brooklyn, NY 1932.

Bill Monroe recorded his first solo cuts for RCA. Mule Skinner Blues was recorded on this date in 1940.

Tex Williams went to #1 with "Smoke! Smoke! Smoke! (That Cigarette)" 1947.

Kieran Kane, "The O'Kanes," born Queens, NY 1949.

"Cattle Call" took Eddy Arnold to #1 in 1955.

Marty Robbins released "The Story Of My Life," 1957.

Dale Watson, singer/songwriter/guitarist, born Birmingham, AL 1963.

Freddie Hart's "Easy Lovin'," topped the charts 1971.

Merle Haggard and Leona Williams married 1978.

"Songwriter," the movie, premiered in Nashville 1984. Kris Kristofferson and Willie Nelson starred.

Johnny Darrell, age 57, died in Kennesaw, GA from diabetes 1997.

Bill Anderson released his "Greatest Hits, Vol. 2" album in 1997.

Chris LeDoux underwent successful liver transplant surgery in Omaha, NE 2000.

Jimmie Logsdon, age 79, singer/songwriter, died 2001.

Freddy Fender received the International Entertainment Buyers Assoc. "Pioneer Award," 2003.

-8-

C. E. Moody, "The Georgia Yellow Hammers," born Calhoun County, GA 1891.

Pete Drake, producer, musician and publisher, born "Roddis Franklin Drake" in Atlanta, Georgia 1932. Inducted into the International Steel Guitar Hall of Fame in 1987. Elected to the Atlanta Music Hall of Fame 1989. Pete was presented with the Nashville Entertainment Masters Award on 5-7-87.

Susan Raye, recording artist, born Eugene, OR 1944.

Lynn Morris, Bluegrass singer/multi-instrumentalist/band leader, born Lamesa, TX 1948.

Jackie Frantz, "Dave & Sugar," born Sidney, OH 1950.

Russ Barenberg, Bluegrass/Guitar/Mandolin, born 1950.

Ricky Lee Phelps, "Kentucky Headhunters" born Paragould, AR 1953.

Anthony Kenney, "Kentucky Headhunters" born Glasgow, KY 1953.

Iry Lejeune, age 25, Cajun singer/accordionist, killed in a traffic accident on his way home from a gig 1954.

Jerry Lee Lewis' divorce from first wife Dorothy Barton, became final in 1954, twenty-three days after he married his second wife Jane Mitcham.

Sonny James quit the Big D. Jamboree, and joined the Ozark Jubilee 1955.

Harry Stone, age 70, radio executive, former manager of WSM, died 1968.

The 1979 CMA Awards Show was presented in Nashville.

Hubert Long and Hank Snow inducted CMHF 1979.

Willie Nelson named CMA Entertainer of the Year 1979.

Bob Newman, age 63, of "The Georgia Crackers" died 1979.

Barbara Mandrell won the CMA's Female Artist of the Year 1979.

Anne Murray becomes the first female to win the CMA's Album of the Year award 1984.

Floyd Tillman and Ralph Peer inducted CMHF 1984.

Tennessee Ernie Ford inducted CMHF 1990.

Trace Adkins was injured, in 2002, when the tractor he was riding, rolled over, pinning him to the ground. Just a few of the injuries sustained by Trace, prior to joining the Grand Ole Opry in 2003: Nose severed in vehicle accident; left finger cut off in the oil fields, shot through the heart by an ex-wife. There are more, but space is so limited.

**** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

AJ goes straight to the top

Alan Jackson's 16th album, "Like Red on a Rose," is at the top of the Billboard country album charts when they are released Thursday. The disc, a softer, more subdued set produced by Alison Krauss, was the fourth best selling disc in the country in any genre.
Jackson's sales means that last week's number one "LIVE: Live Those Songs Again" from Kenny Chesney only spent one week at the top.

Garth Brooks to Release DVD Boxed Set

Garth Brooks will release a five-DVD boxed set titled
The Entertainer exclusively at Wal-Mart on Nov. 1. The
set will feature more than seven hours of live perform-
ances, bonus songs, photo galleries and 15 music videos,
including three that are previously unseen. Offered in a
limited-edition tin, the package will sell for $19.96.
Last year, Wal-Mart and Brooks teamed to issue The Lost
Sessions (a single CD featuring several unreleased
performances) and The Limited Edition (a boxed set fea-
turing five CDs and one DVD).

**** Amy's Kitchen ****

"Pumpkin Cheesecake Pie"

1 9-inch graham cracker crust
2 8-oz. pkgs. cream cheese at room temperature
1/2 cup granulated sugar
2 eggs
1 cup canned pumkin pie filling
1/2 tsp. cinnamon
1/4 tsp. nutmeg
1 tsp. vanilla

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Place rack in the center position.

Place the cream cheese and sugar in a mixing bowl or in the work bowl of a food processor fitted with the metal blade. Process or use a handheld mixer to blend the two ingredients until they are smooth.

Add the eggs, pumpkin pie filling, cinnamon, nutmeg and vanilla. Mix or process until smooth.

If you are using a mixer, take care not to beat too much air into the batter, as this will cause it to rise during baking and then fall and crack when it cools.

Pour the mixture into the crust and bake the pie for 30 minutes or until the top looks dry, with only a small damp spot remaining in the center. Cool completely before serving, refrigerating or freezing.

PUMPKIN AND CARAMEL SWIRL CHEESECAKE

INGREDIENTS:
Crust
1 1/2 cups ground gingersnap cookies
1 1/2 cups toasted pecans (about 6 ounces)
1/4 cup firmly packed brown sugar
1/4 cup (1/2 stick) unsalted butter, melted

Filling
4 8-ounce packages cream cheese, room temperature
1 2/3 cups sugar
1 1/2 cups canned solid pack pumpkin
9 tablespoons whipping cream
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon ground allspice
4 large eggs
4 tablespoons purchased caramel sauce
1 cup sour cream

DIRECTIONS:

Crust:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Finely grind crushed cookies,
pecans and sugar in processor. Add melted butter and blend
until combined. Press crust mixture onto bottom and up sides
of 9-inch-diameter springform pan with 2 3/4-inch-high sides.

Filling:
Using electric mixer, beat cream cheese and sugar in large
bowl until light. Transfer 3/4 cup mixture to small bowl;
cover tightly and refrigerate to use for topping. Add pumpkin,
4 tablespoons whipping cream, ground cinnamon and ground
allspice to mixture in large bowl and beat until well combined.
Add eggs 1 at a time, beating just until combined. Pour filling
into crust (filling will almost fill pan). Bake until cheesecake
puffs, top browns and center moves only slightly when pan is
shaken, about 1 hour 15 minutes. Transfer cheesecake to rack and
cool 10 minutes. Run small sharp knife around cake pan sides to
loosen cheesecake. Cool. Cover tightly and refrigerate overnight.
Bring remaining 3/4 cup cream cheese mixture to room temperature.
Add remaining 5 tablespoons whipping cream to cream cheese mixture
and stir to combine. Press down firmly on edges of cheesecake to
even thickness. Pour cream cheese mixture over cheesecake, spreading
evenly. Spoon caramel sauce in lines over cream cheese mixture.
Using tip of knife, swirl caramel sauce into cream cheese mixture.
(Can be prepared 1 day ahead. Cover and refrigerate.)

Release pan sides from cheesecake. Spoon sour cream into pastry
bag fitted with small star tip (do not stir before using). Pipe
decorative border around cheesecake and serve.

Yield: 10 Servings

**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

What percentage of American children are homeschooled?

Overall, roughly 2.2% of American students are homeschooled. According to the National Center for Education Statistics (NCES), "the weighted estimate of the number of students being homeschooled in the United States in the spring of 2003 was 1,096,000." That's a 29% increase from 1999.

Like anything else, homeschooling has its positives and negatives. On the plus side, students aren't exposed to peer pressure and get 1:1 instruction. On the other hand, homeschooled kids miss out on many of the social aspects of school like dances and yummy cafeteria food.

The NCES asked parents who homeschooled their children for reasons why they chose the route. The most common response was a concern about the environment of schools. Other concerns included a desire "to provide religious or moral instruction" and caring for a child with special needs.

While homeschooled kids have a reputation for being a bit socially awkward, their test scores are typically above average. On 1999's SAT, "homeschoolers scored an average 1,083 (verbal 548, math 535), 67 points above the national average of 1,016." That's gotta make their teachers proud

****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

LAST CALL Y'ALL
A backslider suddenly began attending church
faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going
fishing. The pastor was highly gratified and told him,
"How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at
services with your good wife!"
"Well, Preacher," said the fisherman, "it's a
matter of choice. I'd rather hear your sermon than hers."

HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
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