A manager was asked by his laziest employee for a recommendation for another job. The manager thought all night for something that would be honest without hurting the young man's chances. He finally wrote, "You will be lucky if you can get him to work for you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Without prior warning, friends of mine received their long- awaited adopted baby. At the first opportunity, they drove to the countryside to see their parents and show off their new son. After a wonderful visit, my friends started for home. Before they had travelled very far, however, they drove back to the farmhouse- - where Grandpa stood at the door, smiling, holding their new baby. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toward the close of his career, Mark Twain received a dollar a word for a magazine article. A wag once sent him a dollar with a note saying, "Dear Mr. Twain: Please send me a word." Twain replied to the request with a sheet of paper with the one word on it: "Thanks."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As she was dashing off to work, my daughter, Denise, handed my granddaughter, Olivia, a favorite casserole recipe and asked her to make it for supper. Shortly after she got to work, Olivia called her, saying she'd run into difficulty. Denise, rushed, said: "Never mind, make something else. I'll make the casserole tomorrow."

"It's too late now," said Olivia, "I've boiled the eggs."

"Boiled the eggs?" Denise repeated, knowing the recipe didn't call for boiled eggs. "Why did you boil them?"

"The recipe said to separate the whites from the yolks," she replied, "and the only way I could do that was to boil them."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Over the years my daughters teased me about the strange measurements in my recipes. So when Wanda asked for my cherry- loaf recipe, I said, "Write it down exactly as I read it, with no comments, please." I recited the recipe: one egg, a cup brown sugar, butter the size of an egg, two cups flour and so on. When I finished, Wanda asked if that was all.

"Yes," I replied.

"Okay," she said, "but what do I do with the egg after I butter its sides?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“What is your occupation?” asked the judge.

“I’m a locksmith, your honor.”

“And what were you doing in the jeweler’s shop at three in the morning when the police officers entered?’

“I was making a bolt for the door!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A boy always asks for 50 cents from his mother. So his mother questioned the boy on why he kept asking for 50 cents. The boy replied that his friend told him that if you eat 50 cents worth of peanuts a day you would become smarter. Quickly his mother gave him $10. The boy asks “Why $10”, and the mother replied, “Buy 50 cents of peanut for yourself and buy peanuts for your father with the balance.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The ladies were having tea at the temple and were complaining about
their children. Finally, the rabbi came up to Mrs. Grossman, who had
held the floor for at least ten minutes.
He said, "Come, now, Mrs. Grossman. Your children may not be perfect.
But you'd have children if you had to do it all over again, wouldn't you?"
Of course I would," Mrs. Grossman replied. "I just wouldn't have the same ones."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A
little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called,
"What've you got in your truck?"
"Manure," the farmer replied.
"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.
"Put it on strawberries, " answered the farmer.
"You ought to live with us," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar on ours."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son
announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter's office.
There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his
older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new
situation. "Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn't
really do that, did you?"
"You would never get through basic training," scoffed another.
The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just
gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, "Do you
really plan to make your own bed every morning?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one
morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone :"Your dog's
barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice. Bernard
thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.
The next morning, at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called
his neighbor back . . . "Good morning, Mr. Williams. I just called to
tell you that I don't HAVE a dog."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location.

Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below your left breast Why do you ask?"

Mildred hung-up without answering. Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
NORM
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We were helping customers when the store optometrist walked  
by and flirted with a co-worker. Of course, we all had to  
stop what we were doing to tease her. But she quickly dis-  
missed the notion of a budding romance.  

"Can you imagine making out with an optometrist?" she asked.  
"It would always be, 'Better like this...or like this?'"  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man passing an orchard noticed a farmer with a herd of  
pigs gathered around his feet.  The farmer was holding a  
pig up above his shoulder so it could bite off an apple.  
Then, he put the pig  down and raised another, then another.  

The passerby shouted to the farmer: "Why don't you just  
shake the tree and let the apples fall on the ground? That  
would save a lot of time."  

The farmer responded, "What do pigs care about time?"  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Doctor, am I going to die?"

"That's the last thing you're going to do."
~
Probably another appointed round that neither rain, nor cold, nor snow will be able to halt is the first coffee break.

**** HEALTH NEWS ****

 Possible obesity drug target discovered  

MAEBASHI, Japan, -- A molecule that makes mammals feel  
full has been identified by Japanese researchers, who  
say it might become an important target in treating  
obesity. Appetite is regulated, at least in part, in  
the hypothalamus, and Masatomo Mori and colleagues at  
Japan's Gunmar University School of Medicine have found  
a fragment of the secreted protein NUCB2, dubbed  
nesfatin-1, is expressed in the hypothalamus and induces  
a feeling of satiety. Mori reports when nesfatin-1is  
injected into the brain, rats eat less and begin to lose  
weight. When nesfatin-1 is blocked, the animals eat more.  
The study appears in the current issue of the journal  
Nature.   

Virulence of 1918 flu virus studied  

ATLANTA, -- U.S. scientists have completed the first com-  
prehensive analysis of an animal's immune response to the  
1918 influenza virus. The researchers, led by Michael  
Katze of the University of Washington's School of Medi-  
cine, say they found the 1918 virus triggers a hyper-  
active immune response that may contribute to the lethal-  
ity of the virus. Furthermore, their results suggest it  
is the combination of all eight of the 1918 flu virus  
genes interacting synergistically that accounts for the  
exceptional virulence of the virus. The work with the  
fully reconstructed 1918 virus was conducted by co-  
author Terrence Tumpey in a biosafety level 3-enhanced  
laboratory at the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and  
Prevention in Atlanta. "This elegant research gives a  
detailed picture of the overzealous host reaction to  
infection by a fully reconstructed 1918 influenza virus,"  
said National Institute of Allergy and Infectious  
Diseases Director Anthony Fauci. "The research provides  
clues as to why the flu of 1918 was so deadly, and may  
also help us better understand the disease process that  
occurs when people are infected by emerging avian influ-  
enza viruses, such as the H5N1 strain." The study  
appears online in the journal Nature.   

Diabetic nerve change begins early  

ROCHESTER, Minn., -- Mayo Clinic researchers report subtle  
change in nerve conduction is the first reliable sign of  
nerve complications from diabetes. The researchers said  
that change can be measured long before other symptoms or  
signs of nerve damage develop. "We've found what we believe  
is the earliest sign of nerve change due to diabetes," said  
Dr. Peter Dyck, a neurologist and lead researcher on the  
study. "Changes begin much earlier than previously  
demonstrated." About 500 patients participated in the longi-  
tudinal study, many for 20 years. Patients agreed to  
periodic measures of their diabetes and of nerve, eye,  
kidney and blood vessel complications. About half of people  
with diabetes develop some type of neuropathy caused in-  
directly by high blood sugar levels. Symptoms can include  
pain, tingling, burning and loss of feeling. Serious com-  
plications include foot ulcers, amputations and blindness.  
In the study, researchers used various techniques to  
measure nerve changes, but they said nerve conduction tests  
provided the most consistent and reliable measures. "Even  
when patients had nerve conduction values well within the  
normal range, our serial assessments showed steady,  
unequivocal and statistically significant worsening," said  
Dyck. The study appears in the September issue of Diabetes  
Care.  

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