"Friends
are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended
for younger readers - PG
Welcome New
Subscribers
Anyone without a sense
of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us.
Heaven Help
Them
Remember,it is easier to get
older
than it is to get wiser
TUESDAY OCTOBER 11,2006
THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Often I can't prevent trouble
from coming, but I don't need to give
it a seat to sit on.
Over dinner, a woman said to her
husband, "I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning, and right away
I knew he was a troublemaker. He started to insult me; he used really bad
language; he even threatened me!"
"How did you meet this fellow?" He
asked, very concerned.
She said, "Well, we met by accident, I hit him
with the
car."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Charged
with assaulting an elderly man with whom he was acquainted, my client told me,
his lawyer, that the old fellow probably wouldn't even remember him. I explained
that the man would have to identify him in order for a conviction. At trial, the
grandfatherly victim took the stand. The prosecutor asked him if the person who
assaulted him was in the courtroom. He peered around, and it became obvious that
he didn't recognize my client. Just as I was about to appeal to the judge to
dismiss the charge, my client stood up, waved to the witness and called: "I'm
over here, Harry! Over
here!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Terrance
was startled to see the nonchalant way Manuel was taking the fact that his lady
love was seen with another man. "You said you love her and yet you saw her with
another man and you didn't knock the guy down?" "I'm waiting," Manuel
said.
"Waiting for what?" asked Terrance.
"Waiting to catch her
with a smaller
fellow."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nate's
mom dragged him in front of his dad during the football game. "Talk to your
son," she said. "He refuses to obey a word I say."
The father turned to
Nate angrily. "Nate, how dare you disobey your mother. Do you think you're
better than your old man?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Howard
County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is
entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated
that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called
the farmer directly.
"Is it true Mr. Abram that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she
asked.
"Yeth." lisped the farmer.
Being a Howard County girl
herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every man usually has something he can
do better than anyone else. Usually it is reading his own
handwriting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A pastor was
preaching an impassioned sermon on the evils of television.
"It steals
away precious time that could be better spent on other things," he
said.
He advised the congregation to do what he and his family had
done.
"We put our TV away in the closet."
"That's right," his wife
mumbled, "and it gets awfully crowded in there!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
t was a
rainy night and there was a hotel near the highway. Presently a man entered, "Do
you have a room?" he asked, soaking wet.
"Yep," the man drawled, "I got
three: one full of lemon, one full of limes and one filled with eighteen naked
women!"
"Uh," the wet man said, "I'll take the one full of
lemons."
About half an hour later another man came in, "You have a
room?"
"Yep," said the attendant. "I got two: one full of limes and one
filled with eighteen naked women."
"I'll take the one full of limes,"
said the man.
Still another man came in an hour later, "Jeez, it's wet!
Got a room?"
The attendant nodded, "Just one, full of eighteen naked
women."
The man reluctantly agreed to take it. The next morning, the
three men woke up at the same time. The one with the lemons woke up and groaned,
"God I feel like a lemon!"
The one with the limes got up and mumbled,
"Jeez, I feel like a lime."
The one with the eighteen naked women woke up
and said, "I feel like a golf ball!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Following a trip to Greece, Shaquille
O'Neal was asked whether he had visited the Parthenon. "I can't really
remember," Shaq replied, "the names of the clubs that we went
to."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While leaving a friend's party one
evening, James Whistler, having greatly over-indulged himself, promptly fell
down a flight of stairs. As other guests rushed to his aid, the artist
indignantly demanded the name of the host's architect. "Norman Shaw," someone
replied.
"I might have known it!" Whistler exclaimed. "The damned
teetotaler!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
friend of mine is married to a great gal; unfortunately, he had to put
up
with his wife's mother who was a very cranky and spiteful person.
In the
mornings when my buddy got up to go to work, his mother-in-law
would be there
and sneak around a hallway corner and hiss at him.....
"If you don't
treat my daughter right when I die, I'll dig up from the
grave and haunt
you!"
When the poor guy would stop home for lunch, his mother-in-law
would be
there also, and she'd blurt out while he was trying to eat
his
lunch.....
"If you don't treat my daughter right when I die, I'll
dig up from the
grave and haunt you.
Alas, also in the evening, after
arriving back home from work my
friend's mother-in-law would pop up from out
of nowhere and say,
"If you don't treat my daughter right when I die,
I'll dig up from the
grave and haunt you."
Well, I happened to bump
into my buddy a month ago at the gas station
and I asked him how his
mother-in-law was feeling. He said,
"She isn't feeling anything; she died
two months ago!"
I quickly asked him if he was worried about her ominous
threats?
He said, "No waaay! I buried her face down; let her try to dig
her way
out all she
wants!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** Quickies ****
QUESTION: How did
the butcher introduce his wife?
ANSWER: Meat Patty.
~
Those who have easy, cheerful attitudes tend to be happier than those
with less pleasant temperaments, regardless of money, "making it," or
success.
Dr Joyce Brothers
~
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Shirley's
ressypees e-zine
We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular
recipe,
send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca
**** HEALTH NEWS
****
U.S. eases up on mail-order Canadian
meds
WASHINGTON, -- U.S. customs agents will stop
seizing med-
ications ordered by mail from Canada, a report
says. The
Wall Street Journal said Wednesday that Customs and
Border
Protection officials were under pressure from members
of
Congress, who were miffed about constituents whose
medica-
tions were being intercepted. Ordering prescription
drugs
from Canada has become an increasingly popular means
for
Americans, particularly senior citizens, to cut
their
monthly costs for medications. Customs had made
little
effort to seize small orders of drugs until about a
year
ago when it turned up the heat on the practice, which
is
technically illegal despite the widespread
availability
of Canadian mail-order drugs. The pharmaceutical
industry
told the Journal it was disappointed at decision and
warn-
ed consumers that counterfeit drugs sold on the
Internet
remained a dangerous
problem.
Sinus tumors can
be removed endoscopically
AUGUSTA, Ga., -- A study
by the Medical College of Georgia
in Augusta finds large sinus
tumors can be removed endoscop-
ically rather than by facial
incisions.The vice chairman of
the school's department of
otolaryngology, Dr. Stil
Kountakis, said the endoscopic approach
worked well not only
to remove large inverted papillomas in 18
patients ages 36
to 74, but also to watch for re-growth of the
tumors. The
study participants were treated as outpatients and
56 per-
cent remained disease-free at 29 months. "If there is
a
chance to cure benign disease using minimally invasive
tech-
niques, it always works best for the patient," said
Kountakis.
"Endoscopic techniques allow you to support the
ancient
dictum of do no harm and, at the same time, provide care
to
the patient."
Scientists analyze mechanisms of cancer
CAMBRIDGE, Mass., -- U.S. scientists have proposed unusual
targets for anti-cancer therapy involving the EGFR/HER2
signaling pathway involved in human breast cancer. Forest
White of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and
colleagues say the HER2 receptor is overexpressed in
several
human cancers and is the target of the recently
developed
Herceptin therapy against metastatic breast
cancer. They said
understanding the mechanisms relating
HER2 overexpression to
tumor cell proliferation and mi-
gration is key for the
development of novel anti-cancer
therapeutics. The researchers
applied a number of high-
throughput technologies and systems
biology approaches
to investigate the impact of high levels of
HER2 receptors
on intracellular signaling. Their analysis links
the ef-
fects of HER2 overexpression to cell migration and
reveals
many novel potential anti-cancer targets. The research
is
detailed online in the journal Molecular Systems
Biology.
*****Fred.....The Ole
Fritbear!!!*****
**** Reader's Submissions ****
Beautifully stated
As we grow up, we
learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed
to ever let you down
probably will.
You will have your heart broken probably more than
once and it's
harder every time.
You'll break hearts too, so
remember how it felt when yours was
broken.
You'll fight with
your best friend.
You'll blame a new love for things an old one
did.
You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll
eventually
lose someone you love.
So take too many pictures,
laugh too much, and love like you've never
been hurt because every sixty
seconds you spend upset is a minute of
happiness you'll never
get
back.
Don't be afraid that your life
will end, be afraid that it will never
begin.
~anonymous~
GOOFPROOF
**** ON THIS DAY ****
**** HEADS UP
FOLKS ****
These Are My
Causes Please Help
This is a link for
FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation
http://www.organdonor.gov/
It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a
mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a
thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits
to donate mammogram
in exchange for
advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to
people you know.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to
click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated
every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to
go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This
doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the
number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in
exchange
for advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to
people you know!
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link
for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U
Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read
this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject
Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****
-10-
Don Pierce, record company executive, born Ballard, WA 1915.
John Prine, born Maywood, IL 1946.
Marty Robbins released "I'll Go On Alone/You're Breaking My
Heart" 1952.
Tanya Tucker, born Seminole, TX 1958.
Ray Charles' #1 hit "Georgia On My Mind" charted 1960.
The Browns gave their final Opry performance as a group in
1966.
1971 CMA Awards show was held in Nashville.
Charley Pride won CMA Entertainer of the Year 1971.
Merle Travis inducted CMHF 1977.
Marty Robbins released "Please Don't Play A Love Song/Jenny"
1978.
James Cecil "Little Jimmy" Dickens inducted CMHF 1983.
Loretta Lynn, and Roy Rodgers, inducted CMHF 1988.
Hank Williams Jr. named CMA's Entertainer of the Year 1988.
K. T. Oslin became the first woman to receive the CMA Song of
the Year award 1988.
Capitol released Glen Campbell's "Essential, Vol. 3" 1995.
Capitol released Tennessee Ernie Ford's album "Sixteen Tons" in
1995, five years after the single was a hit.
Lee Ann Womack's single, "I Hope You Dance," released 2000.
RCA released Sara Evans' album "Born to Fly" 2000.
The Grand Ole Opry celebrated its 78th birthday in
2003.
****
COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****
Rednecks and Country
Comedian Jeff Foxworthy became very popular thanks to
his trademark shtick of "You'd be a redneck if..." The list went on and on and
on about the dumb things that rednecks did or said. Foxworthy, a Southerner,
never exactly seemed to embrace the lifestyle as one that was all that
commendable or worthy. His treatment of the subject at hand was more in terms of
poking fun than glorifying the lifestyle, which has long been the object of
ridicule.
But somehow that notion has changed in recent years.
The starting point can probably be traced to Gretchen Wilson and her catchy
super megahit, "Redneck Woman," from her first album in 2005. All of a sudden,
the idea of being a redneck wasn't so bad because it meant that you were
independent, stood up for yourself and did things your way.
Whereas once the idea of a redneck was a hellraiser,
who worked the fields and was racist, all of a sudden, the term was co-opted by
a few members of the country music club and twisted and turned and used to good
effect.
That eventually extended to "Redneck Yacht Club" by
Craig Morgan and other subtler depictions of Southern pride.
Perhaps the most ridiculous utterance of the idea of
being a redneck was from young singer Katrina Elam whose second album is coming
soon. During a recent concert in the Boston area, she said she was a redneck
because she was a small town girl from the boondocks of Oklahoma and yodeled.
Sorry Katrina, but try as hard you might to cash in
on the concept of rednecks being cool, you are not a redneck. It was as if some
marketing consultant sat down with her and told her the quickest way to success
is to admit being a redneck so she would come off as another tough chick doing
their own thing the way they want to.
Even funnier is when these artists come north and ask
how many rednecks there are in the audience. Of course, a few people always
answer in the affirmative, but these artists ought to come up with better stage
patter that doesn't sound so cheap and contrived.
What is most ridiculous is that these artists totally
altered the definition of redneck. Let the term stand for what it really is and
was and not change it for some attempt at trying to come off as cool in a
marketing ploy. Where's Jeff Foxworthy when we need him for some real, genuine
unforced redneck humor?
**** Amy's Kitchen
**** Orange Cheesecake Bars
1 cup all-purpose
flour
1/2 cup packed light brown sugar
1/4 teaspoon ground
cinnamon(optional)
1/3 cup shortening
1/2 cup chopped pecans
CHOCOLATE ORANGE FILLING(recipe follows)
Pecan halves(optional)
Directions:
1. Heat oven to 350°F.
2. Stir together flour, brown
sugar and cinnamon in large bowl. Cut in
shortening until mixture resembles
coarse crumbs. Stir in chopped pecans.
Reserve 3/4 cup flour mixture. Press
remaining mixture firmly onto bottom of
ungreased 9-inch square baking pan.
Bake 10 minutes or until lightly browned
3. Meanwhile, prepare
CHOCOLATE ORANGE FILLING; spread over warm crust.
Sprinkle with reserved
flour mixture. Press pecan halves lightly onto top,
if desired. Return to
oven. Bake 25 to 30 minutes or until lightly browned.
Cool; cut into bars.
Cover; refrigerate leftover bars. About 24 bars.
CHOCOLATE ORANGE FILLING
1 package (8 oz.) cream cheese, softened
2/3 cup sugar
1/3
cup Cocoa
1/4 cup milk
1 egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/4
teaspoon freshly grated orange peel
SPICED & BAKED ACORN
SQUASH
6 whole acorn squash
3/4
teaspoon cinnamon
3/4 teaspoon ginger
3/4
teaspoon mace
6 tablespoon butter or margarine,
melted
1 tablespoon cider vinegar
6 tablespoon
maple syrup
DIRECTIONS:
Preheat oven to 350
degrees. Split each squash in half
lengthwise; scoop out and
discard seeds and fiber from
centers. Slice a thin piece from
each bottom so they will
rest flat in the pan. Place squash in a
shallow baking dish.
Mix spices together and sprinkle over
squash. Mix melted
butter with vinegar; drizzle over squash. Add
1/2 Tbs. maple
syrup to each cavity. Cover dish with foil and
bake for 1
and 3/4 hours. Remove foil; baste. Return to oven for
10
minutes.
Yield: 12
Servings
**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT
****
Does smoking
marijuana really kill brain cells?
The short answer: No.
The long answer:
The reason why you ask this is because you probably heard or read somewhere that
marijuana damages brain cells, or
makes you stupid. These claims are untrue.
The first one -- marijuana
kills brain cells -- is based on research done during the second Reefer Madness
Movement. A study attempted to show that marijuana smoking damaged brain
structures in monkeys. However, the study was poorly performed and it was
severely criticized by a medical review board. Studies done afterwards failed to
show any brain damage, in fact a very recent study on Rhesus monkeys used
technology so sensitive that scientists could actually see the effect of
learning on brain cells, and it found no damage.
But this was Reefer
Madness II, and the prohibitionists were looking around for anything they could
find to keep the marijuana legalization movement in check, so this study was
widely used in anti-marijuana propaganda. It was recanted later.
(To this
day, the radical anti-drug groups, like P.R.I.D.E. and Dr. Gabriel Nahas, still
use it -- In fact, America's most popular drug education program, Drug Abuse
Resistance Education, claims that marijuana ``can impair memory perception &
judgement by destroying brain cells.'' When police and teachers read this and
believe it, our job gets really tough, since it takes a long time to explain to
children how Ms. Jones and Officer Bob were wrong.)
The truth is, no
study has ever demonstrated cellular damage, stupidity, mental impairment, or
insanity brought on specifically by marijuana use -- even heavy marijuana use.
This is not to say that it cannot be abused, however. But the very recent
medical research showed that marijuana can help fight Alzheimer's
disease.
****A PARTING THOUGHT
****
A marriage can
survive a thousand bitter truths but founders on a single lie.
LAST CALL Y'ALL
At noon on
my first day as an elementary-school teacher, I marched out to the playground
for my first session of yard supervision. I hadn't been out five minutes when I
noticed a small boy swinging a baseball bat around in a circle, narrowly missing
some kindergarten children. I spoke sharply to him, took his bat away and
continued my rounds. When a colleague came out to replace me a little later, she
stopped short. "Good heavens!" she blurted . "All I brought was my
whistle!"
HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA
HEAR!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out
there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
PLEASE
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GOD BLESS
AMERICA
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