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From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.  Welcome to The Funnies "Friends
are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG Welcome New
Subscribers WEDNESDAY OCTOBER 18,2006 Three people were trying to get into heaven. Peter asked the
first,
"Who's there?" "It's me, Albert Jones," the voice replied. St. Peter let him
in.
Then St. Peter asked the second one the second same question,
"Who's there?"
"It's me, Charlie Jones." And St. Peter let him
in.
Finally he turns to the third, asking the same question,
"Who's there?"
"It is I, Verla Chapman," answered the third. "Oh, great," muttered St. Peter. "Another one of those English
teachers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Real 911 Calls"
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. Dispatcher: Do you have an address? Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why? Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich. Dispatcher: Excuse me? Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it. Dispatcher: Was anything else taken? Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it. Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Hi, is this the Police? Dispatcher: This is 9-1-1. Do you need police assistance? Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before. Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess. Dispatcher: How can I help you sir? Caller: I was wondering.....does the fire department put snow chains on their trucks? Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency? Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and... well.. do you think the fire department could come over and help me? Dispatcher: Help you what? Caller: Help me get these chains on my car! Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your
emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it. Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid. Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your
emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart. Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband! Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. I think I'm going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the Police. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Dear Friend"
Just a line to say I'm living ...
That I'm not among the dead, Though I'm getting more forgetful
And mixed up in the head. I got used to my arthritis,
To my dentures I'm resigned, I can manage my bifocals,
But Lord ... how I miss my mind!!! Sometimes I can't remember
When I stand at the foot of the stairs, If I must go up for something ...
Or if I've just come down from there. I stand before the fridge at times,
My poor mind filled with doubt, Have I come to put food away,
Or come to take some out? There are times when it is dark out,
And with my nightcap on my head, I don't know if I'm retiring ...
Or just getting out of bed. So if it's my turn to write you,
There's no need for getting sore, I may think that I have written
And don't want to be a bore. I do know that I miss you
And wish that you were near. And now it's nearly mail time
So I must say good bye, my dear. Now I'm standing beside the mail box
With a face so very red, Instead of mailing you my letter ...
I have opened it instead!!!
Author Unknown
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A young Louisiana lad goes off to LSU, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he had foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at LSU that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!" "That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!" "READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?" Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class" His father sends the money. The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some bad news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner, reading the Morning Advocate, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?"" The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a gun before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two robins were sitting in a tree. `I'm really hungry`, said the first one. `Me, too` said the second. `Let's fly down and find some lunch.` They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate `til they could eat no more. `I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree`, said the first one. `Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun`, said the second. `O.K.` said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, `I just love baskin` robins.` ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Susie had just returned to the United States from a month-long trip to Europe. She'd been to England, France, Spain, Italy, Germany, and Switzerland. Jason met her at the airline gate, hugged her, and asked, "So, how was your trip?" "Oh, it was terrible," she replied, "the whole damned place is just full of foreigners." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The doctor tells his patient: "Linda, I have some good news and some bad news." Linda asks for the good news first. "Well, the test results are in, and the good news is that you aren't suffering from Pre-menstrual Syndrome, as you'd feared." "And the bad news?" Linda asks. To which the Doc replies: "I'm afraid there's no cure for being a natural witch." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Three Things to Think About: . &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Shirley's ressypees e-zine We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular recipe, send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca SUBSCRIBE RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&  &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& You can join The Funnies IT'S FREE To subscribe, Click on link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
BORIS GARDNER AS A BIRTHDAY GIFT
(October 2006)
By Georgewaters Ojeigbe –
Lagos Nigeria
Have you ever in your life received a
birthday gift from a-would be friend?
Yes, I have!
In 1989, my relatives just moved into a new
apartment, which to me seemed lonely being that faces around were not the
familiar ones.
I am that kind of person who misses a place
after staying that long, so I really felt bad living my old friends behind;
moreover, the previous house was much bigger and finer than the new one.
We moved out due to some constraints from the daddy of the house who could not
shoulder his responsibilities anymore. Life must continue in any form so
we chose this accommodateable place; a two bedroom bungalow with a little store
which served as a third room for my cousin and me, where we fitted in the
double-layer bed with a little desk by the side, it was cozy anyway.
In no time neighbors, living on the little
estate, which was owned by a widow, started a friendly relationship with
us. We were greeted over a hundred times a day. Well, it is part of
the Western Nigeria culture to have greetings for every situation; if you are
found fighting, there is a greeting for that; if you are found eating, there is
a greeting for that; if you are in the rest room, there is also greeting for
that; every situation has its peculiar greeting. For me I was feeling
lonely trying to adapt to my new environment, and at the same time, it was close
to my birthday, which has never been celebrated but only recognized by my
household.
In a short while, I guess I might have discussed
my birthday somehow, somewhere with one of our new neighbors
absent-mindedly. Perhaps, he asked me or so, I would not remember now
since my birthday has never been taken seriously in my household and I never saw
it as a thing to rejoice over but as a thing to rethink and count my years of
aging into a matured man, not knowing where I was going to end up. I was
then clocking 19 years and yet no school was in the making for me by my
household and not even an apprenticeship offer was promised after leaving the
secondary school.
I have never understood anybody to be concerned
about a new neighbor’s birthday until 1989.
It was 21st of April, 1989 and we had
just returned from my aunties restaurant. Nobody talked about my birthday,
nothing was done as usual. It was just a normal day with a normal boy
living with a normal family as represented throughout the world. I guess
my journey through life is not that different from most people, just a slight
difference, if we may compare, but we all have had our shares of harsh life
especially living with people who are not your parents.
It was about 8:30 p.m. or 9 p.m. something of
that nature anyway. There came a little tap on the sitting room entrance
door and the night visitor was told to come in.
The door slightly opened and a timid face
appeared. The face was familiar and has been one of the keen people always
smiling at me each time we met on the way. He entered into our house for
the first time and my aunty was inquisitive of his late evening visit. He
introduced himself by name of Muyiwa Falowo, a neighbor opposite our flat and
that he has come to see me. All eyes in the sitting room turned to me and
I was kind of nervous and shy seeing someone who we have not really talked
together coming to see me that let hour. For what purpose, I murmured to
myself.
He stepped out of our house and I followed him
behind.
Outside the our house, he turned to face me and
smiled sheepishly. He turned left and right, looked behind him and put one
of his arms on his head as if rubbing the hairs. Then he tucked his left
arm into his trousers pocket and handed me a little rapped notebook sheet.
I wondered what the content could be as I
nervously exposed the content in the notebook sheet. It was a cassette and I looked at the artist’s name, which read
Boris Gardner.
My late evening visitor simply looked at me in
the eyes and said enjoy the music, it is for you on your birthday.
Instantly, I felt like crying. He requested me to listen to the songs and
would have my view on the songs later on. I promised him a feedback.
He said goodnight to me and in turn, I saw him off to his family apartment door.
I got back into our house and waited until
everybody had gone to the bedrooms before I slotted the tape in the play.
I pressed the play button, and the music played in a gently manner, a soft
melodious with rhythms so strong filled with love lyrics.
In the 80’s, Mr. Jim’s country music was my best
and many others like Anita Barker. I had never heard of Boris Gardner
until 1989 and I have no course of regret accepting the birthday gift from
a-would be friend. From the very day I responded to his question he became
my closest friend ever had. Being a younger one of about 16 years we
always talked about music, films, our futures and some few gossips about his
family, my relatives and many other issues each day; we were never bored.
His family members always knew where to get him each time they needed his
attention, and my relatives knew where to find me also each time they needed my
assistance at home.
After a while, he got into a seriously
relationship with a girl around the neighborhood and it blossomed for them until
I lost my closest friend to this girl. Before, we used to talk for hours
but it became an issue of “George please I am coming very soon.” I would
be there waiting endlessly until when it is time to go in before he resurface
and apologize for his lateness. We would only talk for about 10 to 15
minutes before saying good night to each other.
With time, at the age of 16+ he was gone with
the girl for real.
One thing I know about is that he never
understood the role he played in my life. I learnt from him that love
could come from anywhere. Whoever loves you might not have the boldness to
let you know until a situation conducive arose.
Just late last year 2005, I saw him with his
son, I was pleased with him, and in my mind I looked back to the years gone by;
only God knew my thought. He still smiled sheepishly at me and we managed
to ask ourselves questions, but that old feelings had gone yet I believed we
held on to the old days friendship, a bond that was tied just through a mere
audio tape given to me as my birthday gift, my first and last gift on my
birthday. He talked about the bad health of his father and the changes
especially his great involvement in his father’s investments. Things have
actually changed after fourteen years of departing due to relocation by his
parents. By now he has reached 32 years and no more that 16 years old
close friend of mine. But as I looked down to him I was not seeing a 33
years old man standing in front of me instead I was seeing that 16 years old
friend of mine who showed me what a true friendship opt to be. My first
and last closest friend.
Just today, 16th October, 2006 before
writing down this story I felt like calling him to say a big thank you for being
that friend of mine in 1989 but his phone rang for a long time after several
trial, it was never picked. He does not have my office phone number, I
guess.
Each time that song of Boris Gardner is being
played on radio my mind always race back to the friend Muyiwa Falowo.
Perhaps without him I would not have known the cool artist Boris Gardner.
I am still having the audio tape of Boris Gardner in my music collections.
The End
GEORGEWATERS OJEIGBE
–
LAGOS NIGERIA
**** HEADS UP FOLKS **** These Are My Causes Please Help This is a link for FREE virus protection http://avast.com It is excellent. I use it myself ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation http://www.organdonor.gov/ It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram" for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. http://www.thebreastcancersite.com & The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know! http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is a link for FREE virus protection http://avast.com It is excellent ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -18- Hank Williams married Billie Jean Jones Eshliman, in Minden, Louisiana in 1952. The following day they repeated the wedding in two separate public ceremonies. Some folks say the last two ceremonies were Hank's attempt to spite Audrey. After his death, a judge ruled the wedding was not legal due to the fact that Billie Jean's divorce did not become final until eleven days after she married Hank. Keith Knudsen, "Southern Pacific" born Ames, IA 1952. Harty Taylor, age 58, of the Cumberland Ridge Runners, and WLS's National Barn Dance died 1963. Marty Robbins released "While You Were Dancing/Lonely Too Long" 1965. Roy Rogers and Dale Evans hosted the 1968 CMA Awards. The show was videotaped at the Ryman Auditorium to be aired at a later date. Bob Wills inducted CMHF 1968. Sonny James' "Since I Met You Baby" topped the charts 1969. The United Nations honored Johnny Cash with their Humanitarian Award 1979. Asylum released "The Eagles Greatest Hits, Vol.2" 1982. John Anderson married Jamie Atkinson 1983. RCA released Chet Atkins' album "The RCA Years, 1947-1981" in 1992. TNN debuted "Music City Tonight," in 1993. Rhino released the Everly Brothers album "Heartaches & Harmonies" 1994. Hightone Records released Rosie Flores' "Rockabilly Filly" 1995. Ronald M. Anton, age 71, retired BMI executive killed in a fire at his home in Nashville 2000. Donn Hecht, age 72, co-writer of "Walkin' After Midnight" died in Florida 2002. Johnny Cash's "Hurt" video was shot in Hendersonville, TN on the 18th and 19th, 2002. Elvis Presley, Sun Records Back in Business Together More than five decades after he left the roster of Sun Records, Elvis Presley's name and likeness will again be featured on products issued by the record label Sam Phillips founded in Memphis. Sun Entertainment Corp., now based in Nashville, and Elvis Presley Enterprises announced the licensing agreement Thursday (Oct. 12). Presley made his first records for Sun, including such classic tracks as "Mystery Train" and "That's All Right." In 1955, Phillips sold Presley's recording contract to RCA to finance additions to Sun's artist roster. Phillips sold the record label to current Sun Entertainment chair- man Shelby S. Singleton in 1969. Details of the deal were not disclosed, although a press release indicated Presley's name and image will be used with the Sun logo "for a broad range of commemorative retail products." Reba and Wynonna on Dionne Warwick Album Reba McEntire and Wynonna team with Dionne Warwick for duet versions of her biggest hits on My Friends and Me, a new CD set for a Nov. 7 release on Concord Records. McEntire is featured on one of Warwick's signature songs, "I Say a Little Prayer," and Wynonna sings on the new version of Warwick's 1964 smash, "Anyone Who Had a Heart." Others included on the project include Olivia Newton-John, Gladys Knight, Mya, Gloria Estefan, Cyndi Lauper and Celia Cruz. Warwick celebrates the release of My Friends and Me with a Nov. 19 charity concert at New York's Avery Fisher Hall in Lincoln Center. **** Amy's Kitchen **** "Sweet Potato Pie with Pecan
Topping" Make the pie crust. (See pie crust recipe for instructions on
pre-baking a pie crust.) If you use a store-bought frozen crust, you do not need
to pre-bake it, just defrost it 10 minutes and prick the bottom all over with a
fork before using.
Make the sweet potato pur?e. In a large saucepan, cover the
sweet potato pieces with water and bring to a boil. Simmer for 15 minutes or
until the sweet potato pieces are soft when poked with a knife or fork. Drain.
Pur?e in a food processor until smooth. You may need to add back a little liquid
(a tablespoon or two of water) to get a smooth consistency. Let cool completely
before using.
Prepare the pie. Preheat the oven to 375°F. Place rack at
bottom of oven. In a large bowl, whisk together the eggs, 1/3 cup brown sugar,
and maple syrup until smooth. Add the sweet potato pur?e, salt, cinnamon,
nutmeg, and 3/4 cup of cream. Mix until completely smooth. Pour into cooled
crust.
Bake the pie. Bake on lowest rack for 50 minutes, until
filling has set. You may want to tent the edges of the pie with aluminum foil or
a pie crust protector to prevent the pie crust edges from burning. Cool on rack
for one hour. Then transfer to refrigerator and chill completely.
Make the pecan topping. Melt 3 Tbsp butter in a small saucepan
over medium heat. Add 1/2 cup of brown sugar and cook, stirring, until smooth,
about 3 minutes. Add 1 Tbsp cream, and mix in. Add the pecans, mix to coat the
pecans with the sugar mixture. Let cool for 1 minute. Pour mixture over cooled
pie. Use a rubber spatula to spread topping over the top of the pie. Cool until
topping has hardened, about 30 minutes.
"Berry Bonanza" (D) Ingredients: 1.) 1 cup fresh blueberries 2.) 1 cup sliced fresh strawberries 3.) 1 cup cubed cantaloupe or other melon 4.) 2 tablespoons frozen orange juice concentrate 5.) 1 tablespoon fresh lime juice 6.) 1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon 7.) 1 teaspoon grated orange zest Preparation:
Layer fruit in a serving bowl. Mix orange juice, lime juice and cinnamon; spoon over fruit. Top with orange zest. Yield: Serves 4. Nutritional Information Per Serving (1/4 of
recipe): Calories: 62, Fat: 0 g, Cholesterol: 0 mg, Carbohydrate: 15 g, Protein: 1 g, Sodium: 6 mg **** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****
If you want me to fall for you, you have to give me something worth tripping over.
Hey, Let's be careful out there *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ PLEASE Don't take anything you see in the Funnies personally. The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more. Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target here. EVERYONE IS FAIR GAME The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service. We do not sell, lease, loan, or give our subscribers' addresses to anyone for any reason. Our features are intended to be for entertainment only. Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed
from various areas
on the web
and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold copyright on any of these materials please inform me so I may give the proper credit, or remove it which ever you prefer. ~ GOD BLESS AMERICA ~ To subscribe, Click on a link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com ~ To unsubscribe from this opt-in mailing list click on link at the end of this mailing ~ Regarding any problems In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or comments at: JIM4615@JOINK.COM or Jim Dowers P.O. Box 521 Carlisle, IN 47838-0521 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Miss getting The Funnies,or is your ISP blocking mail again? No problem To Read the Funnies on line. Just click on this link Archives Index: http://archives.zinester.com/25438 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Unsubscribe link is at the END of this list God Bless America , Our Land , Forever May She Stand &&&&&&&&&& THIS DOCUMENT IS VIRUS FREE Scanned by Avast virus protection ~ Unsubscription Email: 25438-unsubscribe@zinester.com Unsubscription URL: http://www.zinester.com/mpb/unsub.cgi?25438
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