"Although a lot of people are on these low-carb diets, doctors  
say be careful, because you need carbohydrates because  
carbohydrates create a chemical in your brain that cheers you  
up and fights depression. So the next time you see a guy on  
a ledge, about to jump... throw him a doughnut." --Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"New York is a great town, though. If you're here and want a  
one of a kind souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch  
of your assailant." --Dave Letterman   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I overheard my father telling a family friend about my newly-  
assigned mission in the U.S. Coast Guard. I work on a cutter  
that escorts cruise ships and international vessels under the  
bridges in California's Bay Area. But what my father told his  
friend was, "She's involved in some sort of escort service." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mission statement is defined as "a long, awkward sentence  
that demonstrates management's inability to think clearly."  
All good companies have one.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was waiting tables at a country club when an elegantly  
dressed woman spilled Manhattan clam chowder all over her  
white linen skirt. She began furiously dabbing at it with  
a napkin.  

Having plenty of experience with getting out feed stains,  
I asked, "Can I bring you some club soda?"  

"Young lady," she barked, "I'll be the judge of when I've  
had enough to drink. Bring me another martini!"  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank  
manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones,  
who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."  

The banker said, "Yes, he certainly was trusted. And he will  
be tried as soon as we catch him." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The psychiatrist was not expecting the distraught stranger  
who staggered into his office and slumped into a chair.  
"You've got to help me. I'm losing my memory, Doctor," he  
sobbed. "I once had a successful business, a wife, home and  
family; I was a respected member of the community. But all  
that's gone now. Since my memory began failing, I've lost  
the business - I couldn't remember my clients' names. My  
wife and children have left me, too; and why shouldn't they  
- some nights I wouldn't get home until four or five in the  
morning. I'd forget where I lived...And it's getting worse.  
Doctor - it's getting worse!"  

"This is not an unusual form of neurosis," the psychiatrist  
said soothingly. "Now tell me, just how long ago did you  
first become aware of this condition?"  

"Condition?" The man sat up in his chair. "What condition?"   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My cousin, Chas, worked at a snowmobile dealership. One day Chas asked a customer if he needed help. The man said he wanted a certain kind of snowmobile and that it had to be yellow. Chas had the right make, but not in yellow. "It has to be yellow," the customer insisted. Curious, Chas asked why. "Because," the man replied, "I've been buying a new snowmobile every year -- and my wife hasn't noticed yet!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"With all the work you do," Cardinal Francis Joseph Spellman was asked one day, "do you ever get so tired that you forget to say your prayers at night?"

"No," Spellman replied with a smile. "When I'm so tired I can't keep my eyes open, I simply say: 'Dear God, you know I've been working in your vineyard all day. If you don't mind, could we skip the details till morning?'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cynthia was excited to see her grandmom was visiting when she arrived home from school, and immediately began to tell her about the toys in her classroom and the games she liked to play there. "But what did you learn?" her grandmom asked.

Cynthia thought for a moment and then replied, "I learned to be quiet." Then added, "Five times!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Although I had arrived 20 minutes early for my one o'clock doctor's appointment, I was still sitting in the waiting room 1 1/2 hours later. I had watched patient after patient disappear into the various rooms. Finally I got up and went to the receptionist. "Can you tell me, please," I asked, "if my appointment was for 1 a.m. or 1 p.m.?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My grandmother often borrowed bits and pieces of clothing from other household members' closets, including my sister's. One morning my sister wore her new sweater to school and was amazed later to see Mom walking towards her when she had a break between classes. With a grin she explained, "You've got granny's teeth in your pocket."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When he received his identity card from the militia and found his complexion listed as "fair," my 18-year-old son was not happy. The description seemed accurate to me. I asked him what he thought it should have read. "Well," he replied indignantly, "they could at least have said 'good!'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A few years after my father happily retired, my mother followed suit. Having thrived on her work as a hospital administrator, however, she found the transition difficult. She began to experience chest pains. Her doctor ordered a number of tests.

When she returned home from the hospital, she told Dad that the doctor felt her symptoms might be stress related. "What does that mean?" Dad asked.

"It means I'll have to find the source of my stress and get rid of it."

"But where will I go?" Dad exclaimed.

**** HEALTH NEWS ****

Lasik safer than contact lenses  

PORTLAND, Ore., - Portland, Ore., researchers have said  
contact lens users are more likely than Lasik surgery  
patients to develop complications leading to further  
vision loss. Ophthalmologist William Mathers and col-  
leagues at Oregon Health and Science University's Casey  
Eye Institute said a review of multiple studies revealed  
that contact lens wearers face a 1- in-100 risk of devel-  
oping a serious lens-related eye infection over 30 years  
of use and a 1-in-2,000 chance of experiencing dramatic  
loss of vision loss as a result, WebMD reported Wednesday.  
The researchers said in the journal Archives of Ophthal-  
mology that the chances of Lasik surgery leading to signi-  
ficant vision loss is about 1-in-10,000. "One shouldn't  
just assume that contacts are safer," Mathers said. "This  
may have been true at one time but for the average person  
this is certainly not the case anymore."  "Almost everyone  
who wears contact lenses violates some principle of proper  
use at some point," he said. "Either they don't wash their  
hands before putting them in or they use tap water (to  
store the lenses). But infections can occur even when this  
doesn't happen."   
   
      Parkinson's treatment reduces symptoms  

CHICAGO, -- Researchers at Rush University Medical Center  
in Chicago have said a new Parkinson's disease treatment  
reduced symptoms by 40 percent. However, researchers said  
the test only involved 12 patients and may have been  
affected by the placebo effect, the Chicago Sun-Times re-  
ported Wednesday. Further tests of the gene therapy method  
could solidify the treatment as the first known to slow,  
halt or possibly reverse damage done by the progressive  
disease. Treatments are currently available to relieve  
symptoms of the illness, but do not stop the disease from  
progressing. The procedure features two nickel-size holes  
drilled into the top of a patient's head by a brain sur-  
geon. A virus containing the desired gene is then inserted  
into the brain using a needle, and the virus carries the  
gene to the brain cells. The cells are then instructed by  
the gene to produce a protein that protects and regener-  
ates cells that make dopamine. The results were announced  
at a meeting of the American Neurological Association in  
Chicago. The Michael J. Fox Foundation for Parkinson's  
Research has donated $1.9 million for a follow-up study.   
   
Autistic deficit studied in young children  

PITTSBURGH,  -- U.S. research suggests children with autism  
are delayed in the ability to categorize objects, particular-  
ly living and non-living things. Researchers at the Chil-  
dren's Hospital of Pittsburgh and Carnegie Mellon University  
say their findings could provide a cognitive explanation for  
one of the characteristics of autism: the inability to  
recognize the goals and motivations of others. Previous re-  
search has shown young autistic children have the same  
abilities as normally developing children to categorize  
objects based on so-called surface characteristics, such as  
size and shape. They have a diminished ability, however, to  
group objects into more abstract categories. "People have  
not really studied these conceptual deficits in very young  
children as the possible basis for the social and cognitive  
deficits in older children and adults with autism," said  
Carnegie Mellon psychologist David Rakison, who co-authored  
the paper with Cynthia Johnson, director of the Autism  
Center at Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh. "This study  
opens the door for further research of preschool-age chil-  
dren, which could aid us in the development of possible  
diagnostic tools and therapies," Johnson said. The research  
appears in the Journal of Developmental and Physical Dis-  
abilities.  

*****Fred.....The Ole Fritbear!!!*****
Hi One and All ... WE have searched our archives for some really 
great Grins, Giggles and Groaners ... Sent your way as always "Just 
for the Fun of it!!!" --- Hope you get a few chuckles ... some grins 
or giggles and maybe a good hearty laff or three....Ready, here goes 

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"With all the work you do," Cardinal Francis Joseph Spellman was 
asked one day, "do you ever get so tired that you forget to say your 
prayers at night?"

"No," Spellman replied with a smile. "When I'm so tired I can't keep 
my eyes open, I simply say: 'Dear God, you know I've been working in 
your vineyard all day. If you don't mind, could we skip the details 
till morning?'"

 ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Although I had arrived 20 minutes early for my one o'clock doctor's 
appointment, I was still sitting in the waiting room 1 1/2 hours 
later. I had watched patient after patient disappear into the various 
rooms. Finally I got up and went to the receptionist. "Can you tell 
me, please," I asked, "if my appointment was for 1 a.m. or 1 p.m.?"

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
When he received his identity card from the militia and found his 
complexion listed as "fair," my 18-year-old son was not happy. The 
description seemed accurate to me. I asked him what he thought it 
should have read. "Well," he replied indignantly, "they could at 
least have said 'good!'"

 ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Here we are already discussing the future President of the United 
States in the year 2008. Well, I have my own candidate and I’m sure 
that once you know who I’m voting for you will also agree.

For those of you who would like another choice for President, I have 
the best solution: It is probably time we have a woman as President. 
My choice, and I hope yours as well, is a very special lady who has 
all the answers to our problems. Please give it a thought when you 
have a moment...

MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT!!!!!

Very eloquently put..... don’t you think?

Maxine on “Driver Safety”

“I can’t use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free 
for making gestures.”

Maxine on “Housework”
“I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the 
mirrors as quickly as possible.”

Maxine on “Lawn Care”
“The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who 
is muscular and shirtless.”

Maxine on “The Perfect Man”
“All I’m looking for is a guy who’ll do what I want, when I want, for 
as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust 
Buster, charged up and ready when needed.”

Maxine on “Technology Revolution”
“My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice!”

Maxine on “Aging”
“Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if 
the salt accompanies a Margarita.”

“I’m telling you ... she’s the perfect candidate.”

The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are 
urinate and attend funerals.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size 
bucket.

To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.

Do you realize, in about 40 years, there’ll be millions of old ladies 
running around with tattoos and pierced navels? Now that’s scary!

Money can’t buy happiness — but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry 
in a Porsche than a Kia.

After a certain age, if you don’t wake up aching somewhere ... you 
may be dead.

If you don’t forward this to ten of your friends within the next five 
minutes, nothing will happen ... but you will rob them of some great 
laughter!

So don’t forget, November 2008: VOTE FOR MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT OF THE 
UNITED STATES.

There’s no one better for the job.

MAXINE HAS MY VOTE!

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
An old sailing ship is becalmed at sea with a full complement of 
sailors. They are stuck there for days and days with nothing to
do.

One morning the captain decides he is going to lay on some 
entertainment for the men.

He orders a barrel to be placed on the top deck. It has an orifice in 
the side and he invites each one of the men to "take the pleasures" 
of the barrel to their heart's content. Soon a full-fledged 
hedonistic orgy is underway.

The men are cheerful once again and morale is boosted. Things reach 
such a frenzy that even the captain's dog has a go. Once the party is 
over and the barrel is full of the team's spirit, it is bunged up and 
thrown overboard. The ship sails away.

A few days later the barrel comes ashore on the beach of a deserted 
island in the middle of nowhere. The only inhabitants of the island 
are the nuns who have founded their convent there.
The nuns find the barrel and open it. They don't recognize the 
contents and take it to be wax, from which they fashion candles.

Of course, nuns being nuns, they use the candles in the way only nuns 
can.

Nine months later an inordinate number of babies appear inexplicably 
on the island. One of the nuns is very guilty about her sins and 
approaches the Mother Superior for confession.

"Forgive me, Mother. I have had a baby."

The Mother Superior says, "That's nothing, my child. I've had puppies."

 ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan 
went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year-old 
grandmother and comfort her.
  When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother 
replied, he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday 
morning.”
  Horrified, Susan told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 
years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
  ”Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realising our 
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the 
church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice 
and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and 
out on the Dong.”
  She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, “and if that 
damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!”

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
A recent study was made to find out what days men prefer to have sex? 
It was found that men prefered to engage in sexual activity on the 
days that started with "T":

Tuesday
Thursday
Thanksgiving
Today
Tomorrow
Thaturday and Thunday

 ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Canine Mind Games:
After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! 
Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets.

When your humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your 
legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. 
Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage.

Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly, but 
when they try to show it to a friend, stare at them blankly.

When humans take you for a walk, sniff around the entire yard as your 
humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose will ultimately decide the 
fate of the earth.

When out on a walk in a city, always pick the busiest most visible 
spot to go--especially if your human has forgotten to bring a plastic 
bag.

When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every 
time a strange human walks by.

Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing 
fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, 
hide until they think something terrible has happened to you. Then 
jump out
loudly at them.

When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. 
Walking more and more slowly the closer you get to the>door.

Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and 
make the humans take you out. As soon as you get back inside, fall 
asleep.

(Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside.)

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Some time after their bitter divorce, a man happened to pull up 
beside his ex-wife at a traffic signal.

He shouted over, "So .. out looking for a little, huh?"

She smiled sweetly and said, "No, I had 6 years of that with you. 
Now, I'm out looking for a LOT!"

 ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
"THe Plus Side oof Parkinsons" (From Suddenly Senior)

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after 
dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and 
ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Annabel, age 87, wandered into the garden. They begin to 
chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a 
short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, 
“Do you know what I miss most of all?”
She asks “What?”
He replies “SEX!!!”
Annabel exclaims, “Why you old fart, you couldn’t get it up if I held 
a gun to your head!”
“I know”, Howard says, “but it would be nice if a woman just held it 
for a while.”
“Well, I can oblige”, says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers 
and removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
They agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would 
sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard’s manhood.
Then, one night, Howard didn’t show up at their usual meeting place. 
Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was 
O.K. She walked around the home until she found him sitting by the 
pool with Sarah, who was holding Howard’s manhood!
Furious, Annabel yelled, “You two-timing creep! What does she have 
that I don’t have?”
Howard smiled and replied “Parkinson’s!”

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park 
bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. 
She said, “I have a 22-year-old husband at home. He makes love to me 
every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh 
fruit and freshly ground coffee.”
  I said, “Well, then why are you crying?”
  She said, “He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite 
brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.”
  I said, “Well, why are you crying?”
  She said, “For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my 
favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.”
  I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?”
  She said, “I can’t remember where I live.”

 ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS - (From Suddenly Senior)
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,Walkers and handrails 
and new dental fittin’sBundles of magazines tied up with string,These 
are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids, glasses, Polident, Fixodent, 
false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,These are a few of my 
favorite things.
CHORUS: When the pipes leak,When the bones creak,When the knees go 
bad,I simply remember my favorite things,And then I don’t feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets, And corn pads for bunions, No spicy hot food 
And no food with onions, Bathrobes and heat pads nd hot meals they 
bring These are a few of my favorite things.CHORUS:
Back pains, confused brains, And no fear of sinning’,Thin bones and 
fractures And hair that is thinning’,As we won’t mention Our short 
shrunken frames,When we remember our favorite things.
CHORUS:When the joints ache,When the hips break,When the eyes grow dim,
THEN I REMEMBER THE GREAT LIFE I’VE HAD,AND THEN I DON’T FEEL SOOOOO 
BAAAAD.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

CAN YOU REMEMBER? (From Suddenly Senior)
1. Candy cigarettes?
2. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside?
3. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles?
4. Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes?
5. Blackjack chewing gum?
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles, with cardboard stoppers?
7. Telephone Party lines?
8. Newsreels before the movie?
9. P. F. Flyers?
10. Butch wax?
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix ? (ANdover 7-5577)
12. Peashooters?
13. Howdy Doody?
14. 78 RPM Records?
15. S&H Green Stamps?
16. Hi-fi’s?
17. Metal ice cube trays, with levers?
18. Mimeograph paper?
19. Blue flash bulbs?
20. Beanie and Cecil?
21. Roller skate keys?
22. Cork popguns?
23. Drivein Movies?
24. Studebakers?
25. Wash tub wringers?
26. Streetcars?
27. The “SHADOW” on radio?
28. Newspapers for 3??
29. The TV Test Pattern?
30. Your FIRST car?

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
SENIOR FUN AND GAMES
1. Sag, You’re it.
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy.
3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear.
4. Kick the Bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, The Nurse Says Bend Over.
6. Doc, Doc Goose.
7. Simon Says Something Incoherent.
8. Hide and Go Pee
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical Recliners

 ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
 A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness 
was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with 
you.”After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance chaser 
finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him 
when he died.He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw 
enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take 
the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his 
bed.His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the 
bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the 
deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two 
forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash.”Oh, that old fool,” she 
exclaimed. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th 
wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.Suddenly, 
a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For 
being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each 
other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.”
”Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband” said 
the wife. The fairy moved her magic wand and - abracadabra! - two 
tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husband’s turn. He thought for a moment and said: 
“Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only 
occurs once in a lifetime, so, I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to 
have a wife 30 years younger than me”.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a 
wish...So the fairy made a circle with her magic wand and -
abracadabra! the husband was 92 years old.The moral of this story: 
Men are ungrateful idiots, Fairies are female!

 ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

ANDY ROONEY LOOKS AT LIFE
Hey, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get 
at the end of it?
A Death. What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.
Let’s die first, get it out of the way. Then live in an old age home.
Get kicked out because you’re too young, get a gold watch and go to 
work.
Work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy retirement.
Do drugs, alcohol, party, get ready for high school.
Go to grade school, become a kid, play, have no responsibilities.
Become a little baby, and go back into the womb,
Spend the last nine months floating and finish off as an orgasm.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
REALITY CHECK
1. Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your 
age and start bragging about it.
2. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re getting old. Squash their toes 
with your rocker.
3. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
4. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want 
people to know why I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some 
of the roads weren’t paved.
5. Maturity means being emotionally and mentally healthy. It is that 
time when you know when to say yes and when to say no, and when to 
say WHOOPPEE!
6. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
7. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, just 
think of Algebra
.8. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or 
leaks.
9. I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
10. The golden years are really just metallic years: gold in the 
tooth, silver in your hair, and lead in the rear.
11. Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the 
age of 80 and gradually approach 18.
12. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is 
such a nice change from being young.
13. Age seldom arrives smoothly or quickly. It is more often a 
succession of jerks.
14. Yeah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
15. Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and 
blind that they don’t recognize you.
16. If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything 
to laugh at when you are old.
17. First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to 
pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.
18. One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

 ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Today's supermarket sells almost everything, but if you find 
automobile tires among the groceries, you're in the wrong place, 
that's the drugstore.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
A few years after my father happily retired, my mother followed suit. 
Having thrived on her work as a hospital administrator, however, she 
found the transition difficult. She began to experience chest pains. 
Her doctor ordered a number of tests.

When she returned home from the hospital, she told Dad that the 
doctor felt her symptoms might be stress related. "What does that 
mean?" Dad asked.

"It means I'll have to find the source of my stress and get rid of it."

"But where will I go?" Dad exclaimed.

 ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
A young couple invited the husband's boss for Sunday dinner. While 
they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the boss asked their son 
what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mum, "Might as well 
have the old goat for dinner today as any other day."

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Darren married one of a pair of identical twins. Less then a year 
later he was in court filing for a divorce. "Tell the court why you 
want a divorce," the judge said

"Well, Your Honor," Darren started, "every once in a while my sister-
in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are 
identical, sometimes I'd end up making love to her by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the 
judge said.

"Exactly, Your Honor. That's why I want the divorce."

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A troop of Brownie Scouts is touring a cathedral, and the children 
seem especially fascinated by the votive candles in front of a side 
altar.

The leader asks if they'd each like to light one. She explains that 
it is customary to say a prayer asking for something or giving thanks.

"Do you have any questions?" she asks.

"No," says one little girl. "But if there's a pony outside, it's mine."

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THe Ole Fritzbear  -  The Humor Hound in Chicago!!!
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