Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

"Here's an odd story. Yesterday a man that was so fat tried  
crossing the Mexican border and became trapped in a tunnel.  
This really isn't fair. If he's that fat he belongs in the  
United States." --Conan O'Brien
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My wife and I received a lovely trophy as a wedding gift from  
a friend. But upon closer inspection, we noticed that the  
plaque seemed to reveal some dark, previously hidden secret.  

There were only two lines on the engraving, and no punctuation.  
Read together, it said, "May the Lord Bless You and Keep You  
>From Mary Blevin." 
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My husband was presenting to teachers on his staff an after- school workshop on "Hazardous Materials in the Workplace" and asked me if I'd drop off some baked goods to be served with coffee. As I arranged the plates on the table, I was dismayed to see the sign he had placed beside them, until I noticed the spelling. It read "Hazardous Waist Material. Please help yourself."
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During basic army training, a sergeant was telling his group how a submachine gun sprayed bullets. He drew a circle on a blackboard and announced that it had 260 degree. “But, sergeant, all circles have 360 degrees,” called out a conscript. “Don’t be stupid,” the sergeant roared. “This is a small circle.”
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Because he has three older brothers, my eleven-year-old son gets his fair share of hand-me-downs. I realized he'd been the recipient of one too many when I overheard him proudly telling his friend that he'd just received a pair of brand-new in-line skates: "They even came with a box!"
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After hours of shopping I wandered tiredly around the mall searching for the entrance where I had parked my car. While struggling through the crowd, I saw a weary woman and her tired, cranky five-year-old. As I passed, I heard her say: "We're going to play a game, Bobby. It's called let's find the Chevy."
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A man goes to the hospital for its brain scan. According to the results:

In his left brain no one's right And in his right brain nothing's left.
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'Papa, are you growing taller all the time?'

'No my child. Why do you ask?'

"Cause the top of your head is poking up through your hair.'
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Q. Why does Dolly Parton have such little feet?
A. Some things don't grow well in the shade.
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 All I know about money matters is that money matters.
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By the time you find out what makes the world go around you're too dizzy to care.
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With today's prices, it's no great thing to be known as a big spender
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Even if you have a minute it won't be nearly long enough for the person who asks if you can spare one.
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A wife is reading the morning paper and says: This article on overpopulation of the world says that somewhere in the world there is a woman having a baby every four seconds! Her husband not to appear uninterested said; I think they ought to find that woman and stop her!
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Teacher: "Len, how old were you on your very last birthday?"

Len: "Seven."

Teacher: "Then how old will you be on your next birthday?"

Len: "Nine."

Teacher: "That's impossible!"

Len: "No, teacher, I'm 8 today!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~- Sign on the Nurses'Lounge -

Effective immediately, your fifteen-minute breaks are being cut from a half hour to twenty minutes
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Behind every successful parents is a child who ends his prayers with, "God bless Mommy and Daddy."
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The minute a man begins to feel his importance, his friends begin to doubt it.
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Two Cubans were strolling through Havana on a pleasant summer day. "What a lovely afternoon," one said. "I thank God for it."

"God?" the other sneered. "You should thank Castro."

"Castro? It was God who made these flowers smell so sweet."

"I would prefer to thank Castro." the second one huffed.

"You're mad!" said the first Cuban showing obvious displeasure.

"It was God who mad the water in the lake so clear and serene."

The second Cuban repeated, "I would prefer to thank Castro."

Finally, somewhat stunned, the first man said, "And who will you thank when Castro is dead?"

Replied the second Cuban: "God."
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We've just bought a country house, it has five rooms and a path.
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"The population of the United States is now at 300 million.  
It should be 400 million by Christmas." --Jay Leno 
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Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks
one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle.
They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The
following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.
Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce.
Dick was the winner of the second prize - six month's supply of gourmet coffee.
And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.
When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how
they were enjoying their prizes.
"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."
"And I'm loving the coffee," said Dick. "So how's the toilet brush, Harry?"
"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."
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A Russian cosmonaut has an emergency during his reentry
into earth's atmosphere and his space craft crash lands in
the Australian bush, way out in the middle of nowhere.
After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in a bush hospital
clinic, very rustic, dirty, with foul smells and he is really
bandaged from head to foot.  He sees a very large, somewhat
gruff looking nurse approaching him as he lay in his cot.
"Did I come here to die?" he says with a deep sense of
resignation and fear.
"No," the Aussie nurse replies, "You came here yesterdie.
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A Polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender,
"I'll have a gin............................... and tonic."
The bartender asks, "What's with the big pause?"
The bear says, "I dunno, I've always had them."
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"Dear Darling Son"
 
Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,

**** HEALTH NEWS ****

Rise of autism linked to television  

ITHACA, N.Y.,-- A new study carried out in the United  
States has found a correlation between television watch-  
ing and the rise of autism in children. The Times of  
London reported on the study, called "Does Television  
Cause Autism?" The study claims to have found "strong  
support" that the number of hours children spend watch-  
ing television has a connection with the 10-fold rise  
in autism cases over the past 30 years. Michael Waldman,  
an economics professor at Cornell University, led the  
study, in which researchers admit their findings are  
"not definitive evidence" because the connections were  
not direct, The Times said. Some have speculated that  
the rise in rainfall, which can result in children  
watching more TV, plays a role in the rise of autism.  
In Britain, there are approximately 90,000 children  
with autistic disorders. The Times reported that the  
study has sparked an angry debate in the United States.   

Canada OK's silicone gel implants  

TORONTO, -- Canadian health officials have approved the  
use of silicone gel breast implants, 14 years after the  
government imposed a partial ban of the product. Health  
Canada said it reviewed documents and British and U.S.  
studies before deciding silicone implants did not cause  
auto-immune diseases or other systemic illnesses, the  
Toronto Globe and Mail said. It was these concerns that  
initially led to the ban. Licenses granted to Inamed  
Corp. and Mentor Medical Systems require them to provide  
data for at least 10 years from a clinical trial, the  
Globe and Mail said. The manufacturers also must conduct  
a long-term study of women for possible rare side effects  
when using the implants. Plastic surgeons are wondering  
how much of an impact the new licenses will have, the  
newspaper said. During the moratorium, women could  
receive gel-filled implants through a Health Canada pro-  
gram that required doctors to certify suitable alterna-  
tive procedures weren't available. The safety of gel  
implants was questioned when a Canadian study reported  
a 73 percent higher rate of suicide among women with  
breast implants than the general population, the Globe  
and Mail said. In the United States, allegations arose  
that Mentor misrepresented safety data for its gel  
breast implants, the report said.   

Flavoring chemical linked to lung disease  

MILWAUKEE, -- The U.S. Food and Drug administration is  
conducting a study this fall of a widely used flavoring  
chemical to see if it poses a risk to consumers. The  
Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel reported that the chemical,  
called diacetyl, has been linked to a severe and  
irreversable lung condition. The chemical is often used  
as a fake butter flavor on microwave popcorn, pastries  
and other snacks. Several employees at flavoring plants  
have reported wheezing, shortness of breath and dramat-  
ically decreased lung capacity. One Milwaukee man, after  
working only six months at a flavoring plant, collapsed  
while playing basketball with his friends. The 35-year  
old worker reported being perfectly healthy prior to his  
new job, but has  gotten progressively worse in the past  
two and a half years. The Journal-Sentinel report cited  
several cases where a young and healthy flavor plant  
worker fell ill with what doctors call bronchiolitis  
obliterans. Diacetyl can also attack and inflame the  
eyes. Yet diacetyl remains unregulated by the government,  
causing some to fear an impending crisis, the report said.  
The Occupational Health and Safety Administration is being  
pushed to regulate the chemical.  

**** Reader's Submissions ****

An alarm clock is a small mechanical device to wake people who have no children.