An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything.
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

"The population of the United States reached 300 million  
yesterday. In a related story the population of Mexico is  
now at 38 people." --Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The Iranian government just announced that they are going  
to slow down Internet access speed because they don't want  
Iranians to have good Internet service. Apparently, the  
government is so serious about this they are making all  
Iranians subscribe to AOL." --Conan O'Brien   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's  
ability to use language that makes him the dominant species  
on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other  
thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of  
vacuum cleaners." —-Jeff Stilson
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
First thing - every single morning - one of the secretaries  
in our office opened the newspaper and read everyone's horo-  
scope aloud.  

"Gwen," said our boss finally, "you seem to be a normal,  
levelheaded person. Do you really believe in astrology?"  

"Of course not," Gwen answered. "You know how skeptical we  
Capricorns are
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Both sides of our family turned out for my wife's college  
graduation. After the dean finished awarding all the  
diploma's, he requested, "Will all the 'cum laudes' please  
stand up?"  

My mother-in-law leaned over and whispered, "Wow! The Cum  
Laude family sure has a lot of kids!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attorney: "Was the deceased in the habit of talking to
himself when he was alone?"
Witness:  "I don't know."
Attorney: "Come now, you don't know and yet you pretend
you were intimately acquainted with the deceased?"
Witness:  "I never happened to be with him when he was alone. "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alice and Frank were Bungee jumping one day.  Alice says to Frank,
"You know we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping business in Mexico."
Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they need: 
a  tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.  As they are constructing the tower,
a crowd begins to assemble.  Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. 
When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it
would be a good idea to give a demonstration, so Alice jumps.
She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that
she has a few cuts and scratches.  Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again,
bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding.
Again, Frank misses her.  Alice falls again and bounces back up.  This time, she comes
back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. 
Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine...it was the crowd!....What the HELL is a pi?ata?!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My sky-diver nephew and the pilot of his plane were driving to a jump zone when they were pulled over by the state police for speeding. The officer approached the car and jokingly asked for a pilot's licence and flight plan. These were promptly passed over to him. His face expressed amazement, then amusement. "I always knew one day I'd get caught with that line," and he let them go with a warning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My aunt and some of her friends, all housewives, decided they'd form a softball team. Everyone was told where the practice would be and to bring her mitt. And they did. Several women arrived wearing their oven mitts.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Children keep a family together, especially when one can't get a baby-sitter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Middle age is when you have learned to take care of your health and you intend to start any day now
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The amount of sleep required by the average person is just five minutes more
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day on the set of Michael Curtiz's This is the Army (a 1943 musical comedy starring Ronald Reagan and Joan Leslie), Reagan found himself watching a musician butchering Irving Berlin's classic World War I song, "Oh, How I Hate to Get Up in the Morning." Indeed, the man's voice was so bad that a crew member standing beside Reagan turned to him and whispered: "If the fellow who wrote this song could hear this guy sing it he'd roll over in his grave!" The "guy" singing it? Irving Berlin, of course.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our kindergarten class went to the fire station for a tour and some instruction in fire safety. The fireman was explaining what to do in case of a fire.

He said, "First, go to the door and feel the door to see if it's hot." Then he said, "Fall to your knees. Does anyone know why you ought to fall to our knees?"

One of the little tykes said, "Sure, to start praying to ask God to get us out of this mess!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know you are getting old when:

Your old hangouts used to be the sports bar and the coffee shop ... Now it's the pharmacy and the bathroom.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
According to a new poll, women are much better liars than men.

At least that's what THEY say... but they could be lying.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's always been and always will be the same in the world: the horse does the work and the coachman is tipped
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I was in second grade, my Grandma told me that she wrote a book. She said, “Look, I’m in print.” I said, “That’s great Grandma, but I’m in cursive.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One youngster knew the answer when our minister asked the children what a miracle was. "When my mom and dad let me have another cat," he replied.

**** HEALTH NEWS ****

 Key to lung cancer chemo resistance found  

BALTIMORE, -- U.S. scientists have discovered how a "detox"  
gene causes chemotherapy resistance in a common form of  
lung cancer. Johns Hopkins University researchers say pro-  
ducts made by a gene called NRF2 normally protect cells  
from environmental pollutants such as cigarette smoke by  
absorbing the materials and pumping them from the cell.  
Another gene called KEAP1 encodes products that halt the  
cleansing process. But lung cancer cells sabotage the  
expression of these same genes to block assault from chemo  
therapy drugs. "What we're seeing is that lung cancer  
cells recruit and distort NRF2 and KEAP1 expression to  
help tumor cells evade the toxic effects of chemotherapy,"  
said Associate Professor Shyam Biswal, who led the cell  
culture study. Biswal said blocking NRF2 activity could  
improve the effectiveness of standard chemotherapy drugs,  
particularly platinum-based compounds widely used for  
lung cancer. The research appears in the Oct. 3 issue of  
the journal PLoS Medicine.   

Scientists study stumbling  

CAMBRIDGE, Mass., -- U.S. scientists say it might literally  
be the spring in your step that helps you recover from a  
stumble. From graceful ballerinas to clumsy-looking birds,  
everyone occasionally loses their footing and Harvard  
University researchers have shed light on how legged  
animals maintain a remarkable degree of stability on uneven  
terrain. The study highlights the dynamic elastic and damp-  
ening roles of ankles, feet and other distal extremities in  
helping us recover after stumbling. The scientists say their  
findings might help engineers develop better prosthetics  
and produce robots stable enough to navigate all kinds of  
terrain. "Limbs perform wonderfully on uneven terrain,"  
says author biology Professor Andrew Biewener, lead author  
of the study. "Legged animals routinely negotiate rough,  
unpredictable terrain with agility and stability that out  
matches any human-built machine. Yet, we know surprisingly  
little about how animals accomplish this." The work appears  
in the current issue of the Proceedings of the National  
Academy of Sciences.   

Most plan to buy generic drugs  

BENTONVILLE, Ark., -- A poll has suggested that most U.S.  
citizens plan to buy generic drugs planned for sale at  
retail stores including Arkansas' Wal-Mart. The Wall Street  
Journal Online/Harris Interactive poll of 2,493 adults  
found that 23 percent of respondents would "always" choose  
generic drugs over name brands and 28 percent would choose  
generic drugs "more often." An additional 17 percent said  
they would buy generics "somewhat more often." Nine percent  
said they would always choose name brands, and 10 percent  
said they would chose name brands "much more often," The  
Wall Street Journal reported Wednesday. Of the respondents,  
39 percent said they buy prescription drugs most often from  
chain drug stores including Walgreen and Eckerd, while 13  
percent use discount stores including Wal-Mart, Target or  
Sam's Club. Eleven percent buy drugs online or by mail.  
The poll follows announcements by Wal-Mart, Target and  
Kmart that they will soon begin carrying some generic drugs  
at lower prices. The survey indicates that the lower cost  
drugs will have an impact on the percentage of U.S. citi-  
zens buying drugs from the stores, the Journal said.  

**** Reader's Submissions ****

 By Steve Goodier 

Perhaps you can relate. One man was to meet his wife downtown and spend some time shopping with her. He waited patiently for 15 minutes.

Then he waited impatiently for 15 minutes more.

After that, he became angry. Seeing one of those photograph booths nearby (the kind that accepts coins into a slot and takes four shots while you pose on a small bench), he had an idea. He assumed the most  ferocious expression he could manage, which wasn't difficult under the circumstances, and in a few moments he was holding four small prints that shocked even him!

He wrote his wife's name on the back of the photographs and handed them to a clerk behind the desk. "If you see a small, dark lady with brown eyes and an apologetic expression, apparently looking for someone, would you please give her this?" he said.

He then returned to his office content that, if a picture is worth a thousand words, then four photos must be a full-blown lecture!

His wife saved those pictures. She carries them in her purse now.

Shows them to anyone who asks if she is married...

How are you with patience? One person calls it "wait-training." It seems that there is always something we are waiting for. We wait on traffic and we wait in lines. We wait to hear about a new job. We wait to complete school or to retire. We wait to grow up or for maturity in a child. We wait for a decision to be made. We wait for someone to change his or her mind.

Patience is an essential quality of a happy life. After all, some things are worth waiting for. Every day presents plenty of opportunities for wait training.

We can resent waiting, accept it or even get good at it! But one thing is certain - we cannot avoid it. How is your wait training coming along?

 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

   George Jones Schedules Surgery for Wrist  

George Jones will undergo surgery on Monday after break-  
ing his right wrist Friday (Oct. 20) in a fall at his  
producer's studio in Nashville. A spokesperson for Jones  
said the 75-year-old entertainer was treated at Nashville's  
Baptist Hospital where he also underwent a CAT scan to  
check for a possible concussion, but the scan showed no  
head injury. His spokesperson said Jones' concert dates for  
this weekend have been canceled.   
 

Underwood Returns to Leno, Ellen DeGeneres  

Carrie Underwood will perform "Before He Cheats" on The  
Tonight Show With Jay Leno on Oct. 30. She'll also sing  
the hit on The Ellen DeGeneres Show on Nov. 1. The song  
is currently No. 2 on Billboard's country airplay chart.  
Underwood will also appear on the cover of Parade  
magazine on Sunday (Oct. 22), the same night she head-  
lines a show in Branson, Mo. She is currently on the  
road with Brad Paisley's Time Well Wasted tour.  


**** Amy's Kitchen ****  

Service while you wait is usually what the other person is getting.