"Over the weekend Paris Hilton was arrested for driving under  
the influence. She's still a celebrity and you can tell she's  
spoiled. For example in the holding room she got one call and  
she called room service." --Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Isn't politics just horrible these days? People are now  
saying that Hillary Clinton has spent millions of dollars  
on plastic surgery. She’s so good looking now that her  
husband hit on her by accident last night." --Dave Letterman  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"If recent polls are correct and Democrats win back control  
of the House and Senate, President Bush's administration will  
be transformed into an early lame duck. Worse, Cheney will  
then shoot it." --Seth Meyers   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and  
says, "I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are  
divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I'm sick of  
her, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister  
in Boston and tell her," and then hangs up.  

The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon  
hearing the news.  

She calls her father and yells, "You are not getting a  
divorce!  Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then,  
don't do a single thing, do you hear me?"  

The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says,  
"It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they're  
paying their own way!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bob meets Bill at the bar after work and is looking down in  
the dumps.  

"Whats wrong now Bob," asked Bill.  

Bob replies, "They called in a management team and gave  
everyone in the office an aptitude test to see what they were  
best suited for."  

"Yeah, so whats the problem with that," asks Bill.  

Bob sighs, "Well, it seems I'm best suited for unemployment."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Eddie was at football practice one day and the coach said "Who here thinks they can jump higher than the goal posts"

Immediately little Eddie said, "Ooh me sir me"

The coach then said, "But Eddie you are the worst in the team!"

Then Eddie said, "I know, but goalposts can’t jump!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Visiting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospital, his friend found him sitting up in bed, anxiously leafing through the Bible.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“Looking for loopholes,” was the lawyer’s reply
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three men walked into the bar to see how much it would take to get them drunk. Man number one reached his limit and passed out at 6 drinks. The other two men laughed at him and stole his money and clothes and threw him in the alley thinking how funny it would be for him when he wakes up. The two men continued the battle, drink after drink they continued all night. Finally, the naked guy in the alley woke up 12 hours later. He was quite upset and streaked into the bar to try to find the whereabouts of his friends. They were still drinking and not giving up. The first man approached them about what they did to him and asked why they still continued to drink. They said they used up all his money and sold his clothes to continue the match and would not let the other do the same to him when he passed out, so they felt they had to keep going all night. All of a sudden, the first man yells, look out, it's your wives! They jumped out of their clothes from fright and passed out on the floor. The first man said to himself, "suckers! That was fake money in my pocket. But these credit cards sure look real!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two secretaries were talking about their work. "I hate filing," said one. "No matter how careful I am, I can never find the papers I'm looking for. I forget where I have filed them."

"I used to have that problem too, but no more," her blonde friend said. "Now I make 26 copies of everything I type and file one under each letter of the alphabet. That way, I can't miss it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day in the 1960s, the NYPD received a call that Peter Lawford's son was standing on a ledge outside his father's Manhattan apartment threatening to kill himself. Soon thereafter, the police arrived, managed to coax the boy inside and hauled him off, along with an enormous marijuana plant. Lawford watched wistfully and, as the officers left, cried: "Oh, no - not the plant!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day in 1911, an Italian house painter named Vincenzo Peruggia stole Leonardo da Vinci's Mona Lisa (on a Sunday, when the Louvre was relatively unguarded) and hid out in a hotel for more than a year.

Peruggia was let off with a lenient sentence on 'patriotic' grounds by an Italian court. The hotel was renamed the Giaconda.

And the damage to the Louvre's business? Incredibly, more people visited the museum during this interval - to see the blank space on the wall where the Mona Lisa had once hung - than had visited over the previous twelve years to see the painting itself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After his visit to Six Flags, the Pope headed for the mountains of Alaska to do some sight-seeing. He was cruising along the campgrounds in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing Birkenstocks, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10 foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As he drove off, one of the loggers said, "Who was that guy?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "He may have access to all wisdom but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and snatch another one?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Joyce was really embarrassed and said to her husband, "I'll never go anywhere again with you as long as I live."

Mark wanted to know what he did to cause such an outburst?

"You asked Mrs. Johnson how her husband was standing the heat...and he's been dead for two months!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My six-year-old son, Willie, was thrilled when the tooth fairy left him a dollar. In the morning as Willie got ready for school, he tucked the bill in his pocket. Afraid he might lose it, I suggested he leave the money at home. "Mom, I have to take it with me," Willie insisted. "Some of my friends don't have enough money to buy chocolate milk." Those kids sure have a terrific friend. And Willie has one proud Mom.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The exclamation point is disappearing; people aren't surprised at anything anymore.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you want to avoid excitement, just live within your income.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wedding invitations don't come right out and say it, but they mean "Your presents are requested."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My old dreams were good dreams that didn't come true but I am still glad I had them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heaven

Sam and Henrietta were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty
years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they
watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to
the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last
decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a
rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and there an escort was waiting to
show them inside.

He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine
silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master
bath And their favorite clothes hanging in the closet. They gasped
in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your
home now."

Sam asked how much all this was going to cost.

"Why, nothing," their companion replied, "remember, this is your
reward in Heaven."

Sam looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf
course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth. "What
are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.

"This is heaven," the companion replied. "You can play for free,
every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with
every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks
to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
"Don't even ask," said their companion to Sam. "This is Heaven, it is
all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at Henrietta. "Well,
where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the
decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," the companion replied. "You can eat and drink
as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat
or sick. This is Heaven!"

Sam pushed, "No gym to work out at?"

"Not unless you want to," was the answer.

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."

"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

Sam glared at Henrietta and said, "You and your darn bran muffins.
We could have been here 15 years ago...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A car hit a Jewish man, and the paramedics rushed to the scene. After
assessing the situation, they got the man on a stretcher and moved him
into the ambulance for transport to the hospital. He was not badly
injured, but enough so that they felt he should be checked out more
thoroughly than they were capable of doing in the street.

After getting the stretcher secured in the ambulance and as they
prepared to leave, one of the paramedics checked on the man and asked
him, "How are you feeling?"

"Okay, considering." answered the man.

"Any nausea, dizziness, numbness?" asked the paramedic.

"No, none of that."

"Any shortness of breath or chest pain?"

"Nope."

"Are you comfortable?"

"I make a good living."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A women's prayer....  

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to  
forgive him: and Patience for his moods. Because Lord, if  
I pray for strength, I'll beat him to death! Amen!   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife doesn't complain often, but once she was having a  
old-fashioned "heart-to-heart" with me and said, "Hon, you  
never listen to me. Every time I try to talk to you, you  
get this far-away look in your eyes after only a few seconds.  
Please promise me you'll try to work on that."  

The last thing I remember was replying, "I'm sorry, what  
was that you were saying?"  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center.  
One day I got a call from an Individual who asked what hours  
the call center was open.  

I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day,  
7 days a week".  

He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"  

Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh... Pacific."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man with a wooden leg wanted to buy fire insurance for his  
leg. The first actuary quoted an annual premium of $500,  
estimating that the leg would burn once in 20 years and the  
value of the leg is $10,000. The second actuary quoted an  
annual premium of $50. When the second actuary was asked  
how he arrived at such a small figure, he replied, "This  
situation is right here in the fire schedule rating table.  

The object is a wooden structure with an upper sprinkler,  
isn't it?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

Evans, husband, reach agreement on several issues

By SHEILA BURKE
Staff writer


Country singer Sara Evans and her estranged husband, Craig Schelske, reached agreement Thursday on several issues stemming from the divorce proceedings initiated this month.

During a court hearing in Williamson County, the couple agreed to work out a visitation schedule that would allow Schelske to see their three children “very soon.” The judge suggested the sides make the visitation schedule today and return to court on Friday if an agreement could not be reached.




The couple also agreed to at 50/50 split of $274,000 which had been kept in a joint account.

Schelske, who had been seeking to move back into the couple’s Franklin home, agreed to find other housing.

Evans, 35, filed for divorce this month from Schelske, 43, prompting her to end her appearance on the television series, “Dancing With the Stars.”


 Shaver Remarries Ex-Wife, Cracks Vertebra  

Singer-songwriter Billy Joe Shaver married Wanda Lynn  
Canady, his most recent ex-wife, for the second time on  
Oct. 13 in Las Vegas. (Shaver married his late ex-wife  
Brenda three times.) ZZ Top's Billy Gibbons presided  
over the ceremony. Shortly after the wedding, Shaver  
cracked a vertebra while "Indian wrestling" with a  
friend but is expected to recover fully. He was inducted  
into the Texas Music Hall of Fame in August.  

Bon Jovi, Horizon Nominees Added to CMA Awards  

Miranda Lambert, Little Big Town, Sugarland and Josh Turner  
have been added to the list of performers for the CMA Awards  
on Nov. 6 in Nashville. All four artists, as well as pre-  
viously-announced performer Carrie Underwood, are nominated  
for the Horizon Award. Lambert's "Kerosene" is also up for  
video of the year, and Little Big Town and Sugarland are  
also nominated for vocal group. Jon Bon Jovi and Richie  
Sambora of Bon Jovi, Barbara Mandrell, Kellie Pickler and  
LeAnn Rimes have been added to the list of presenters. Bon  
Jovi and Sugarland's Jennifer Nettles are nominated for  
vocal event with for "Who Says You Can't Go Home." The CMA  
Awards will air live on ABC.  


**** Amy's Kitchen ****  


DARK FRUIT CAKE