At a special dinner to celebrate a team accomplishment, we were each served our plates of elegant cuisine. A few of us had ordered ostrich and were being harassed for our selection. "You know about beef, and you know about chicken, but what do you know about ostrich?" asked one of our colleagues.

"We know that ostriches are fast," I said, exhausting my knowledge of the bird.

Picking up a morsel of his ostrich meat, my husband added, "Not fast enough."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When a man with eleven children was asked how he handled illness among his children, he said, "When the first born coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When the last one swallowed a quarter, I told him that it was coming out of his allowance!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day shortly before leaving office, Teddy Roosevelt, in the process of planning an Africa safari, discovered that a certain legendary big-game hunter was visiting Washington and invited the man to drop by to impart some advice. Visiting Roosevelt at the White House, the hunter, after a two hour meeting, emerged from the president's office in something of a daze. "What did you tell the president?" someone asked. "My name," the baffled man replied. "After that he did all the talking!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In 1985 two men were caught forging prescriptions for painkillers when the pharmacist grew suspicious and called the police. The cause of his suspicion? He found that he could easily read the "doctor's writing" on the prescriptions.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A very drunk gent checked into a hotel late one Saturday night. He
awoke very ill and summoned a bellboy to fetch him a bottle of
whiskey and a Sunday newspaper. The bellhop was gone a long time.
When he returned, the lush remarked, "It must be hard to buy a bottle
in this town on Sunday."
"There was no trouble with the liquor," replied the bellboy, "but
it's tough finding a Sunday paper on Tuesday."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There were two good ol' boys from the South, who love to fish, and
they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in
Canada, so they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely.
They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop
and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're gonna need an ice pick."
So they got that and they took off.
In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're
gonna need another dozen ice picks."
Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he
didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an
hour, he was back. Said, "We're gonna need all the ice picks you've got."
The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked,
"how are you fellows doing"?
"Not very well at all," he said. "We ain't even got the boat in the water yet!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sam went to see his doctor, and took a chair in the waiting room. As
he sat there his friend Sol walked in, and saw him sitting there. Sol
was a notorious stutterer.
" H-H-Helllo S-a-ammmm, n-n-nice to see-ee-ee you. Wha-wha what are
y-y-youu d-d-doing h-h-here at the d-d-doct--doctors? "
I'm here for a prostate examination. ""
"Wha-wha-whats tha-tha-tha- that?" asked Sol
"Well, "said Sam, "It seems, I pee the way you talk."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet
Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice,
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away.............
We're down here ."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was diagnosed with AAADD: Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I
look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward
the garage,  I notice mail on the porch table that I
brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car
keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the
table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills
back on the table and take out the garbage first.  But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage
anyway,  I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1
check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go
inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been
drinking.  I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push
the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Coke
is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye.... they need water.  I put the Coke on the
counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for
all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first
I'm going to water the flowers.  I set the glasses back down on the
counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we
go to watch TV,  I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember
that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den
where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the
floor.  So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and
wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what
I was planning to do.  At the end of the day: - the car isn't washed
- the bills aren't paid - there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the
counter - the flowers don't have enough water, - there is still only
1 check in my check book, - I can't find the remote, - I can't find
my glasses, - and I don't remember what I did with the car
keys.  Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm
really baffled because I know
I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help
for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed
the wrong number and got a private home instead.
"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner.
But I have a wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired.
"I don't think so," replied the man,
"but it's as close as I want to get." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two mothers were talking about their sons.  The first said,
"My son is such a saint.  He works hard, doesn't smoke, and
he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."
The other woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself.  Not
only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but
he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."
"My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud."
"I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled
next month, I'm going to throw him a big party." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive
locket as a present for his girlfriend.
"Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the
jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then,
ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,
"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That
way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in
anger, I can use it again."

An agriculture student said to a farmer: "Your methods are too old fashioned. I won't be surprised if this tree will give you less than twenty pounds of apples."

"I won't be surprised either," said the farmer, "this is an peach tree".

**** HEALTH NEWS ****

New, better MRI technology developed  

BERKELEY, Calif., -- U.S. scientists have created a new  
technique for magnetic resonance imaging to detect signals  
at 10,000 times lower concentrations than now possible.  
The researchers at the U.S. Department of Energy's Lawrence  
Berkeley National Laboratory say their new technique --  
called HYPER-CEST, for hyperpolarized xenon chemical ex-  
change saturation transfer -- holds great promise for mole-  
cular imaging, in which the spatial distribution of  
specific molecules is detected within an organism. Ultimate-  
ly, the scientists said, HYPER-CEST could become a valuable  
tool for medical diagnosis, including the early detection  
of cancer. In the technique, xenon atoms are hyperpolarized  
with laser light to enhance their MRI signal and then incor-  
porated into a biosensor and linked to specific protein or  
ligand targets. Those hyperpolarized xenon biosensors  
generate highly selective contrast at sites where they are  
bound, dramatically boosting the strength of the MRI signal  
and resulting in spatial images of the chosen molecular or  
cellular target. The research -- led by Alexander Pines and  
David Wemmer -- is detailed in the Oct. 20 issue of the  
journal Science. Berkeley Lab conducts unclassified scien-  
tific research and is managed by the University of  
California.   

New studies explore breast cancer survival  

CHICAGO, -- Two new studies, one in Texas and another in  
Chicago, have failed to pinpoint a single reason African-  
American women are more likely to die of breast cancer.  
Researchers at the University of Texas M.D. Anderson  
Cancer Center found the racial disparity in survival  
rates was due in part to biological differences, The  
Chicago Sun-Times reported Monday. In the Anderson study,  
published in the American Cancer Society's journal,  
Cancer, white, black and Hispanic women all received the  
same number of chemotherapy cycles. In addition to lower  
survival rates, the study found African-American women  
had a higher percentage of tumors that could not be treat-  
ed with effective hormone therapies. Another study, recent-  
ly completed by researchers at Mount Sinai Hospital's Urban  
Health Institute in Chicago, concludes the survival rate  
disparity is due to institutionalized racism that probably  
results in black women receiving inferior mammograms and  
treatment. However, the Texas researchers discounted  
socioeconomic factors because Hispanics in their study had  
similar survival rates to whites even though their incomes  
and education levels were lower.   

Stem cells may make insulin cells  

SAN DIEGO, -- U.S. scientists say human embryonic stem  
cells can be converted into cells that produce all five  
hormones made by the pancreas, including insulin. Research  
conducted by Edward Baetge and colleagues at Novocell Inc.  
in San Diego suggests the possibility of turning human  
embryonic stem cells into pancreatic cells that can be  
used for diabetes therapy. Human embryonic stem cells have  
the potential to become virtually any cell type in the body.  
Thus, they are a promising source of cells to repair dam-  
aged organs, such as the pancreas, heart and liver. Baetge  
and colleagues show the efficient generation of insulin-  
producing cells from human embryonic stem cells depends on  
guiding the cells through stages similar to those of pan-  
creatic development. The researchers said the cells they  
created contained high levels of insulin and were also  
capable of secreting insulin -- but only minimally in  
response to sugar, which is a crucial function of adult  
beta-cells. The scientists speculate that, with additional  
research, the cells have the potential to be matured into  
insulin-producing cells that could be suitable for trans-  
plantation into patients. The study is reported online in  
the journal Nature Biotechnology.  


*****Fred.....The Ole Fritbear!!!*****
Hi Everyone ... Here is a little fun for your Halloween celebration.  
Caution, this can become addictive.  I just spent 2 hrs trying to get 
a perfect game and have come to the conclusion it is impossible.  
This came to me from good friend in Kent, CT. ---

Hope you have fun and please feel free to pass it on.

Oh Yeah - HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

Fred - THE OLE FRITZBAR
Subject: FW: FUN GAME!!!
http://www.club300.ru/public/content/media/humor/cat_new/cat_new.swf

A MINNESOTA GHOST STORY just in time for Halloween!!!

The Minnesota Ghost

This is too good not to read, especially if you thought ghosts didn't exist! This happened about a month ago just outside of Willmar, a little town in the back country of Minnesota, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

This out of state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped into the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain. Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and began begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into a nearby lake and he would surely drown!

But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again!

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran and r an, into town, into Willmar.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth (and was not just some drunk).

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Ole, ders dat idiot dat rode in our car when we wuz pushin it in da rain. Thanks to Mike in Boston!!!

•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*••*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*••*•*•*•*•* •*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•
An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"

I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says the old guy,"and that's why I'm in such good shape." I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways." "Have a glass of vino, and all is well."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"

"Who said my Dad's dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old Italian golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk, that's why he's still alive ... he's Italian and he's a golfer too."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's terrific..., but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my grandpa's dead?" "He's still a kick'n. Sharp as a tack too"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He's 118 years old," says the old Italian golfer. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. my Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! why in the world would a 118 year-old Great- Grandfather want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to" MAny Thanks to Arnie in Chicago

*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*••*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*••*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•
*•*•*•*•*•*•*••*•*•*•*•
Laws

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. Thank You John in Clinton, IL
*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*••*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*••*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•
*•*•*•*•*•*•*••*•*•*•*• One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother ex claimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news,my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

**** Reader's Submissions ****

Cap’s Angel

by Pamela Jenkins

The cold wind rattled the window near my chair as I sat at my desk, going through bills that needed to be paid.  I was thankful I didn’t have to go outside in the nippy air.  The forecast was for a hard freeze that night.  It was a good day to stay indoors.

 Suddenly, a sharp rap on the window startled me.  I looked up to see my husband peering in.  He gestured for me to come outside.  With a groan, I stood up and slipped on a jacket.  I would have preferred to stay where I was nice and warm, instead of venturing out in the chill.