After a long delay in the hospital's emergency room, the middle-aged man was finally being transferred to an assigned room. "Since I had to wait so long," he quipped, "I deserve a beautiful nurse."

Both women in the emergency room assured him this would indeed be the case, so when a young, attractive male nurse took over, the man complained, "But you promised..."

"Well," came the reply, "we think he's beautiful."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mary: Well, I guess I've reached that awkward age.
Jill: What do you mean?
Mary: Too young for Medicare, and too old for men to care!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To get acquainted with his new Parish, the Priest decided
to call on some daily. One he selected was a young widow,
her husband, according to the index card, had died two years ago.
After knocking at the door, he was greeted by a young
lady with a baby in her arms.
He said, "I'm sorry, I must have the wrong address, I
was looking for the widow Smith."
"You've found her, Father," smiled the lady.
"Well, according to the card here, it says your husband
died over two years ago." he said glancing at the baby
in her arms.
"That's correct, Father, he surely did--But I didn't."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a crowded Saturday morning I was walking toward a large grocery store. I saw two women fighting over the last grocery cart. Each one was holding on to it, jerking it away from the other. You’ve heard of road rage and now cart rage! What is the world coming to? I got closer to the store; I still could not hear what the women were saying to each other. Must have been mean. I wondered what I should do. Talk to the store manager? What should I say to these women? Cart rage! Impatience! I got closer yet to the store. This fight looks serious. Can’t they wait for a customer to leave? The cart rage goes on! Neither one yielding to the other. I’m finally close enough to hear the two women. Oh! No! One last jerk and the two women broke the cart in half. Now what? Then I hear one woman say to the other: “Thanks for helping me separate these two carts.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife decided to meet some of the children residing at our emergency shelter. Realizing that she was the wife of the Development Coordinator, a young child asked if we were husband and wife to which my wife said "Yes” Without missing a beat, this particular girl remarked how short I was. This sweet child's next statement said it all when she asked thoughtfully, "Wasn't he taller when he married you?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paul came home from school with a black eye and cut lips. His mother sighed deeply, “Oh, Paul, you’ve been in another fight.”

“But, Mom,” sniffled Paul, “I was just keeping a little boy from being beaten up by a bigger boy.”

‘Well,” said Mom, “that was brave. Who was the little boy?”

“Me, Mommy.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Miss Figpot looked over her third grade class and happened to notice Billy and Little Johnny giggling and talking during her lesson.

"Well, since you two are obviously listening so well, let's see if you can answer this one!" The teacher said with a smirk on her face. "What is the proper name to use when referring to a cow that has just given birth?"

There was a moment of silence, then Little Johnny started giggling.

"You think it's funny Johnny? You know the answer?" growled Miss Figpot.

"Umm...yeah! " Johnny replied.

"Well, let's hear it."

"You would call her 'de-calfenated' !"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was every insistent. His response was, "Yes, Sir!" Since he was talking to his mother (and she is a woman), it was not expected of him to call her "Sir". "You would say, 'yes sir,' to a man, I am a lady, and you would say 'Yes Ma'am,' to a lady," Mom said. To quiz him on is lesson, she then asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?"

"Yes Sir!" came the reply

"Then what would you say to Mama?"

"Yes, Ma'am!" he proudly answered.

"Good boy! Now what would you say to Grandma?"

He lit up and said, "Can I have some milk and cookies?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Weir: "Well, using layman's terms: you use a rotating  
 magnetic field to focus a narrow beam of gravitons. Those  
 in turn, fold space/time, consistent with vail tensile  
 dynamics, until the space/time curvature becomes infinitely  
 large and produce a singularity. Now, the singularity..."  

Capt. Miller: "Those are layman's terms?"  

Mr. Cooper: "What layman's terms? Do you speak English?"   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Janine Melnitz: "Do you believe in U.F.O.s, astral projections,  
 mental telepathy, E.S.P., clairvoyance, spirit photography,  
 telekinetic movement, full-trance mediums, the Loch Ness  
 monster, and the theory of Atlantis?"  

Winston Zeddemore: "If there's a steady paycheck in it, I'll  
 believe anything you say."  

 --Ghost Busters   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Good Evening. How's it going? Listen girls, ah, as your  
father I feel it incumbent upon me to set the record  
straight on the validity of the tale that Uncle Chet shared  
with us this evening. I know that a terrifying story like  
that, coming from the mouth of a recognized authority  
figure, can be traumatizing for kids like yourselves. I  
know that because I had a similar experience with my Uncle  
Roy and a story he used to tell about a family that went  
into the woods and was attacked by a band of escaped army  
psychiatric patients who had been subjected to violent,  
hellish, torturous behavior modification experiments. It  
seems they escaped from the metal boxes the army kept them  
in, found this family in the woods, fell upon them,  
slaughtered them and ate them. Now, that story gave me  
nightmares not to be believed. I don't want Uncle Chet's  
bear story to upset you in the same way. I'm here to say  
that there actually is no bear and that all of what Uncle  
Chet was saying was just a yarn spinning for our entertain-  
ment."  

 --Dan Aykroyd as Uncle Roman in "The Great Outdoors"   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and  
gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her,  
the Tarot reader delivered the bad news: "There is no easy  
way to say this so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be  
a widow. Your husband will die a violent death this year."  

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face,  
then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.  
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply  
had to know.  

She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice and asked,  
"Will I get away with it?"   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day Count Dracula is walking down the street when suddenly  
10 tons of smoked salmon sandwiches, sausage rolls, chicken  
wings, chipolatas, tomato salad, pizza slices and crisps fall  
on him from a great height and crush him to the ground.  

"Oh no!" he gasps with his dying breath, "It's Buffet the  
Vampire Slayer!"   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the TV set going

 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

NBC rejects ad for film on Dixie Chicks' Bush bashing

NBC rejects ad for film on Dixie Chicks' Bush bashing
Network says gripe may be publicity stunt

By DAVID BAUDER
Associated Press


NEW YORK — The Dixie Chicks are again at the center of a controversy over the limits of opinionated talk.

A film company said Friday that NBC wouldn't accept an advertisement for "Shut Up & Sing," a movie about the fuss created by Dixie Chick Natalie Maines' comment that she was ashamed President Bush was a fellow Texan.




The network suggested the complaint may be a publicity stunt.

The movie premieres this weekend in New York and Los Angeles, and network affiliates in both those cities have run ads promoting it, according to the Weinstein Co., which is distributing the film.

The problem arose when the Weinstein Co. began conversations with networks about buying ads to be shown nationally, in anticipation of later wider release of the film.

The ad includes footage of the Iraq War, gives a brief background on Maines' 2003 comment made onstage in London, and shows Maines dismissing as "dumb" a comment made by Bush about the Dixie Chicks.

CBS has agreed to air the ad, a spokeswoman for the Weinstein Co. said. ABC and Fox have not given an answer, while the CW and NBC rejected it. The film distributors said NBC explained it was because the ad disparaged President Bush.

Alan Wurtzel, head of standards and practices at NBC, said it is network policy not to accept ads on issues of public controversy — like abortion or the war.

While the Weinstein Co. had shown NBC its ads, it had not inquired about buying commercial time, he said. Generally, when an ad is rejected, prospective advertisers return and work with the network on ways to make it acceptable — as was done with the Michael Moore film "Fahrenheit 9/11," he said.

But NBC heard nothing more from makers of "Shut Up & Sing" until parts of what NBC executives thought were confidential business correspondence showed up in a news release, he said.

"There was no attempt to come back and have a conversation," Wurtzel said. "There are times when some advertisers get more publicity for having their ad rejected."

The CW said a Weinstein representative discussed the ad with a low-level network official who questioned whether the network had the right programming to fit the ad.

"It was the beginning of a dialogue at a low level and it didn't get beyond that when they decided to go to the media about it," network spokesman Paul McGuire said.

The CW would accept the ad if commercial time was bought, he said.

 
Gretchen Wilson: My Book Changed Me, Hope It Works For You, Too
NASHVILLE
Gretchen Wilson says her first reaction was "Thats insane! when she was approached about writing a book of her life story. She says she thought she was way too busy. But she did it, and the hardcover book "Redneck Woman: Stories From My Life" arrives in stores tomorrow.Wilson says she's a more optimistic person today than she was before she started writing the book. Wilson says, "I'm more inspired when I read this story to make every day of my life better than the last day was, and I'm hoping thats what it does for other people."


**** Amy's Kitchen ****