"An elementary school in Santa Monica is banning tag from  
the playground. They're afraid that the game could affect  
children's self esteem. This also could prevent the spread  
of 'kooties'." --Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I like to watch the World Series. Here's what I do. I sit  
down and drink a few beers in my underwear and scream at  
the TV. That's until they throw me out of Applebees."  
 --Dave Letterman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Officials said Tuesday that Iraqis have agreed to develop  
a timetable for progress in stabilizing Iraq. So there you  
have it. There's now a timetable for establishing a time-  
table." --Amy Poehler  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was sleeping soundly when his wife shook him and said,  
"Wake up, someone is breaking in!"  

The man had gone through this same scenario almost every  
night of his marriage, and he knew that the only way he  
would get any rest was to get up and go check it out.  

This time, however, he found that there really was a man  
with a gun who entered to rob the house!  

As the thief was about to flee the man said, "Stop! You have  
to come with me and meet my wife."  

Surprised, the thief turned around abruptly and said, "Why  
would you want ME to meet your wife?"  

The man replied, "She's been expecting you for 20 years."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had worked late, and my Labrador was so overjoyed to see  
me arrive home that he jumped up just as I leaned down.  
Our heads collided, and I sported an impressive shiner for  
several weeks.  

I had to repeat frequently to co-workers and friends how I  
came by it, and one day on the elevator, a secretary whom  
I hadn't seen for some time looked at my black eye and ex-  
claimed, "My goodness, what happened to you?"  

"The dog did it," I wearily replied.  

A man standing next to us looked over at me and said  
knowingly, "Ahh, you must own a boxer."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A teacher said to her student, "William, if both of your parents were born in 1976, how old are they now?"

After a few moments, William answered, "It depends."

"It depends on what?" she asked.

"It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I arrived at the sitter's to pick up my six and eight-year- old daughters, Latoya and Jasmine, Latoya greeted me with "I've been a good girl today."

"You can't get into much trouble lying on the couch all day," the sitter laughed.

"Dad does!" responded Jasmine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Has anybody seen the Al Gore movie about global warming and the environment? Well, the Bush administration has seen it and they are very annoyed about the whole thing. As a matter of fact, earlier today, Dick Cheney shot a projectionist. ... One very dramatic scene in the Al Gore global warming movie is when a glacier melts and they find more Al Gore ballots from the election." --David Letterman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"At the end of last night's 'American Idol,' Ryan Seacrest announced that more than 63 million votes were cast, which is more than any president in U.S. history has ever received. ... In a related story, this morning Hillary Clinton bought a karaoke machine." Conan O'Brien
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Osama bin Laden ... sent over another one of those videotapes -- chilling, chilling. In the videotape, he boasts that we will never find him or Jimmy Hoffa" --David Letterman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"According to a recent poll, 84% of Americans approve of making English the official language. I'd be happy if they made English the official language of 7-11." --Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"In what has become standard procedure in these kind of situations, police conducted a room-by-room search of the Capitol building. That's just what congressmen want to hear this week -- a knock at the door and it's the police. They were flushing bribe money down the toilet. Ted Kennedy was out on the ledge naked." --Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly patient of mine who had many gold crowns told one of his friends that after he died he wanted to have his ashes spread over his favorite fishing spot. "Where is it?" his friend asked. "I'd like to pan for all that gold."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My friend Nathan was serving a young girl at the hardware store who needed nails for her shop project at school. Nathan asked if she wanted finishing nails. "Oh, no," she replied, "I'm just starting."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There's a rumor circulating around Washington D.C. that the G.O.P. is planing to change the Republican party emblem from an Elephant to a Gypsy Moth cuz of all their party members coming out of the closet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q.  What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
A.  Wife saying she wants to talk to him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman who works for the state of Calif.  got a call from a man who paused when she told
him the name of her agency.  He then asked her to repeat it.
"It's the Governor's Office for Elderly Affairs," she told him again.
There was another pause.  "For gosh sakes, sign me up,"
he said.  "I didn't do too well when I was young."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Young son: Pop, did you know Mommy thinks you're perfect?
Father: She does?  Wow!  How do you know?
Young son: I heard her say it to Mrs.  Smith.
Father: When was that?
Young son: Just before she used the word idiot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jill: That man at the bar keeps looking at you.
Mary: Do you mean that disreputable- looking fellow who is about to pass out in the free peanuts?
Jill: What?  All of a sudden you're picky?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The doctor took Dan into the room and said,
"Dan, I have some good news and some bad news."
Dan said, "Give me the good news."
"They're going to name a disease after you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Emergency Call"

Asking for help does not mean we are weak or incompetent. It usually indicates an advanced level of honesty and intelligence.

When you talk behind someone's back, it says far less about the person you are discussing than it does about your own character, about your need to be critical.

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys

It's not whether you win or lose, what counts is if I win or lose.

 Although inflation has hit almost everything, no one has offered me more than two cents for my thoughts

Marriage is the only union that cannot be organized. Both sides think they are management.

Overheard at a Computer Store:

"I want a game capable of holding the interest of my six-year-old, but it's got to be simple enough so that his father can play it, too."

 QUESTION: What goes up and never comes down?

ANSWER: Your age!

'Today's robots are very primitive, capable of understanding only a few simple instructions such as "go left," "go right," and "build car."'

Argument: two people trying to get the last word in first.

 Old timer: the person who remembers when a bureau was a piece of furniture.

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would
you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He answered, "Call for backup."

**** HEALTH NEWS ****

 Brain's clock, Parkinson's disease studied  

DURHAM, N.C., -- Duke University scientists in Durham, N.C.,  
are studying how the brain's internal clock changes in  
Parkinson's disease patients. Neuroscientists Catalin Buhusi  
and Warren Meck are studying how the clock's ticking changes  
in Parkinson's patients as they change levels of their medi-  
cation, which effects the amount of dopamine in their brains.  
Dopamine has been implicated as a key signaling molecule in  
the neuronal circuitry of the timing machinery, the research-  
ers say. "When Parkinson's patients are on their medication,  
they time quite normally," said Meck. "But as their medica-  
tion wears off, we can see their clock slow down by record-  
ing their brain signals." The findings are published in the  
Nature Reviews Neuroscience.   

TIPS FOR DIABETICS TO PARTY BY  

U.S. scientists say diabetes patients can enjoy holiday feast-  
ing without jeopardizing their blood glucose level by planning  
ahead and rigging recipes. There are some 17 million Americans  
with diabetes, says Ann Fittante of Swedish Medical Center in  
Seattle. Her advice: before going out, think about what you  
want to eat and how the carbohydrates and calories fit into  
your meal plan, write it down or talk it over with spouse or  
friend; take to a party a food you can eat freely, like a  
vegetable platter with a low-fat dip or a salad; nibble small  
portions of the food you like the best and skip the rest; eat  
something before you go out to avoid pigging out; stay active,  
play with the children, take a hike or walk the dog; and,  
modify traditional recipes by cutting sugar and fat by at  
least one-third.   

OBESITY PLUS DIABETES EQUALS HEART TROUBLE  

A U.S. study shows as weight goes up among people with  
diabetes, so does risk for developing cardiovascular disease.  
The Wake Forest University study compared body mass index, a  
measure of body fat based on height and weight, against three  
risk factors for heart disease in diabetes patients: high  
blood pressure, low-density lipoprotein or "bad" cholesterol,  
high-blood sugar and a combination of all three, Dr. Alain  
Bertoni told a meeting of the American Heart Association in  
New Orleans. The results show the higher the BMI, the worse  
the control of the heart-disease risk factors. "Weight loss  
programs may be an important component of prevention of  
cardiovascular disease," Bertoni says.  



*****Fred.....The Ole Fritbear!!!*****

**** Reader's Submissions ****

I AM FAMOUS NOW

I was born today. One of 10. My daddy was very famous. I have lots of half brothers and sisters. My mother is very famous. Since she got famous, she has only had puppies. No more loving hands, no more fun trips... just puppies. She is always sad when they leave her.

I left home today. I didn't want to go, so I hid behind my mama and my three littermates that were left. I didn't like you. But one day they said I would be famous. I wonder; is famous the same as fun and good times? So you picked me up and carried me away, even though you were concerned about me hiding from you. I don't think you liked me.

My new home is far away. I am scared and afraid. My heart says BE BRAVE. My ancestors were. Did they go to good homes like mine? I'm hungry because I can't eat too much because it will be bad for my bones. I can't bite or snap when the children are mean to me. I just run and play and pretend I am in a big green field with butterflies and robins and frogs. I can't understand why they kick me. I am quiet, but the man hits and says loud things. The lady doesn't feed me good things like I had with my mother. She just throws dry food on the ground, then goes away before I can get too close for touching and petting.

Sometimes my food smells bad but I eat it anyway.

Today I had 10 puppies. They are so wonderful and warm. Am I famous now? I wish I could play with them, but they are so tiny. I am so young and playful that it is hard to lay here in this hole under the house nursing my puppies.. They are crying now. I am so hungry. I scratch and worry my fur. I wish someone would throw me some food. I am also very thirsty. I now have eight. Two got cold during the night and I couldn't make them warm again. They are gone. We are all very weak. Maybe if I take them out on the porch, we can get some food.

Today they took us away. It was too much trouble to feed us and someone came to take us away. Someone grabbed my puppies, they were cryin and whimpering. We were put in a truck with boxes in it. Are my babies famous now? I hope so, because I miss them. They are gone.

The place smelled of urine, fear and sickness. Why was I here? I was beautiful, like my ancestors. Now I am hungry, dirty, in pain and unwanted. Maybe the worst is unwanted. No one came though I tried to be good.

Today someone came. They put a rope on my neck and led me to a room that was very clean and had a shiny table. They put me on the table. Someone held me and hugged me. It felt so good!!! Then I felt tired and laid over the last one who cared. I AM FAMOUS NOW. Today someone cared.

Jerri, MA and her BC critters

At just 25 years old, she has already competed in five Indianapolis 500’s and been voted the Most Popular Driver four times in two separate series. In 2005, she was part of NASCAR’s Drive for Diversity program, piloting the No. 20 Chevrolet Monte Carlo for the Bill McAnally Racing/Richard Childress Racing Development Program in the NASCAR Grand National Division, West Series, and capturing four top-ten finishes. Fisher made her first appearance in the IndyCar Series back in 1999 for Derrick Walker, making her the youngest person ever to pass the IndyCar Series Rookie test. In 2000, she became just the third woman and one of the youngest drivers ever to compete in the world's greatest race – the Indianapolis 500. Sarah continued to make history that year at Kentucky Speedway, becoming the youngest person to lead laps during an IndyCar Series event and the youngest woman to ever stand on a podium with her third-place finish in that event. In 2001, Sarah claimed a second-place finish at the IndyCar Series inaugural race at Homestead Miami Speedway, the best result ever by a woman in Indy-style racing. In 2002, Sarah became the first woman to ever qualify fastest for a major North American open-wheel event capturing the pole and setting a new track record at Kentucky Speedway. Fisher raced quarter-midgets and go-karts until she was a teenager, winning the 1991, 1993 & 1994 World Karting Association Grand National Championships, the 1993 Circleville Points Championship and the 1994 WKA Grand National Championship. By age 15, Sarah was racing Winged Outlaw Sprint cars winning the 1995 Dirt Track Racing Round-Up Rookie of the Year. Sarah has been a guest or profiled on a variety of television programs including, The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, Live with Regis and Kelly, Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel, NBC Nightly News with Tom Brokaw, Good Morning America, and CBS This Morning. She has also appeared in the pages of People, Teen People, Cosmo Girl, Seventeen, Glamour, Mademoiselle, Sports Illustrated, Time, Newsweek, U.S. News & World Report and many other magazines. Sarah currently resides in Indianapolis with her fianc?, Andy, and their chocolate lab, Wrigley. For more information, please visit Sarah Fisher on the World Wide Web, www.sarahfisher.com.

You are what you are when nobody is looking.