**** HEALTH NEWS ****

TEA MAY FIGHT ALZHEIMER'S  

Researchers at England's University of Newcastle upon Tyne  
report green and black teas may inhibit certain brain enzymes  
linked to Alzheimer's disease. "The report states that green  
and black tea act in a similar way to expensive prescription  
drugs and demonstrates that an individual can achieve desired  
anti-Alzheimer's results from non-prescription alternatives,"  
says Jim Zhao chief science officer of Nashai Biotech, the  
makers of TeaFlavin. The supplement, made from enriched green  
tea extracts, comes in a 375 milligram capsule. "Inhibiting  
the enzymes which have been linked to Alzheimer's is akin to  
lowering cholesterol in the fight against heart disease,"  
Zhao says.   

YOUNG ADULTS LACK EXERCISE  

Researchers at the University of North Carolina in Chapel  
Hill find physical activity worsens among U.S. teens as  
they become young adults. "In a sample originally represent-  
ing more than 20 million school-aged youth, we found that  
only 36 percent achieved five or more sessions of moderate  
to vigorous physical activity weekly," says study leader Dr.  
Penny Gordon-Larsen. "However, of those 36 percent, only a  
staggering 4.4 percent maintained this level of activity  
into adulthood." The study, published in the American  
Journal of Preventive Medicine, finds all major racial and  
ethnic groups as well as both sexes get too little physical  
activity. Interventions must begin before adolescence,  
particularly for Hispanic and black girls, according to  
Gordon-Larsen.   

CRUISE SHIPS INSTEAD OF ASSISTED LIVING  

Cruise ship living may be a cost-effective alternative to  
assisted living facilities for seniors, finds a study by  
Northwestern University in Chicago. Services may even  
surpass what is provided in senior care facilities, says  
study leader Dr. Lee Lindquist. "Offering many amenities,  
such as three meals a day with escorts to meals, physicians  
on site and housekeeping/laundry services, cruise ship  
could be considered a floating assisted living facility,"  
she says. Lindquist compared costs over a 20-year period at  
assisted living facilities, nursing homes and a cruise ship,  
and finds the cost of a cruise living and assisted living  
to be almost the same. However, cruise ship living would  
provide a higher quality of life and offer seniors more  
stimulation and multiple interactions with new people,  
says Lindquist.  


*****Fred.....The Ole Fritbear!!!*****
Hi Everyone - Just a reminder, In case you are counting -- ONLY 51 
Days until that fat guy in the red suit comes bouncing down the chimney.

Here they are, another edition of GRINS, GIGGLES and GROANERS, sent 
your way as always just for the fun of it.
A few classics and a few new ones....something to help you get a 
start on the week.  Enjoy!!!
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The first one comes from Mike in Boston --

 Understanding women

 It is important for men to remember that, as  women grow older, it  
becomes
harder for them to maintain the same  quality of housekeeping as  
when they
were  younger. When you notice  this, try not to yell at them.  
Some are
oversensitive, and  there's nothing worse than an oversensitive   
woman.

My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my  
wife,
Debbie. When I took "early retirement" last  year, it became  
necessary for
Debbie to get a full-time job along  with her part time job, both for
extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly  
after she
started working, I  noticed she was beginning to show her age. I  
usually
get home from  the golf course about the same time she gets home from
  work.

   Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always  says she  
has to
  rest for half an hour or so before she starts  dinner. I don't  
yell at
  her. Instead, I tell her to tak e her time  and just wake me when  
she gets
  dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at  
the club
  so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked 
grub when
  I hit that  door.
>
  She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now 
> it's not
  unusual for them to sit on the table for  several hours after  
dinner. I do
  what I can by diplomatically  reminding her several times each  
evening
  that they won't clean  themselves. I know she really appreciates  
this, as
  it does seem to  motivate her to get them done before she goes to   
bed.

   Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For  example,  
she will
  say that it is difficult for her to find time to  pay the monthly  
bills
  during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em  for better or  
worse, so I
  just smile and offer encouragement. I  tell her to stretch it out  
over two
  or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I  
also remind
  her that missing  lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her  
any (if
  you know  what I mean). I like to think that tact is one of my strong
  points.

  When doi ng simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest  
periods.
  She had to take a break when she was only  half finished mowing  
the yard.
  I try not to make a scene. I'm a  fair man. I tell her to fix  
herself a
  nice, big, cold glass of  freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit  
for a
  while. And, as long as  she is making one for herself, she may as  
well
  make one for me,  too.

  I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I  support  
Debbie. I'm
  not saying that showing this much consideration  is easy. Many men  
will
  find it difficult. Some will find it  impossible! Nobody knows  
better than
  I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys,  
even if
  you just use a  little more tact and less criticism of your aging  
wife
  because of  this article, I will consider that writing it was well
  worthwhile.  After all, we are put on this earth to help each   
other.....
                  Signed, Bob

          EDITOR'S NOTE: Bob  died suddenly on May 27th. The police  
report
  says that he was found  with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha
  Driver II golf club  rammed up his rectum, with only 2 inches of grip
  showing. His wife Debbie was arrested and charged with murder;   
however,
  the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense  
that he
  accidentally sat down on it.

 ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> 

Supermarket conversation

  A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a spectacular blond
  woman wave at him and say hello.

  He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her
  from. So he appraches her & says, "Do you know me ?" To which she  
replies,

  "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

  Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been  
unfaithful
  to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor
  party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching,  
while
  your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a  
carrot up
  my butt ?" She looks into his eyes and calmly says,

  "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
ome race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast 
about his track record. “In the last 15 races, I’ve won 8 of them!”

Another horse breaks in, “Well in the last 27 races, I’ve won 19!!”

“Oh that’s good, but in the last 36 races, I’ve won 28!”, says 
another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting 
there listening. “I don’t mean to boast,” says the greyhound, “but in 
my last 90 races, I’ve won 88 of them!”

The horses are clearly amazed. “Wow!” says one, after a hushed 
silence. “A talking dog.”

 ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

“Real 911 Calls”
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?Caller: I heard what sounded 
like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.Dispatcher: 
Do you have an address?Caller: No, I’m wearing a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and 
cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen 
table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a 
bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired 
of it.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Hi, is this the Police?
Dispatcher: This is 9-1-1. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don’t know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a 
turkey? I’ve never cooked one before.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?Caller: I was wondering.....does 
the fire department put snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I’ve spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains 
on my tires and... well.. do you think the fire department could come 
over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an 
eleven on it.Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes 
apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. I 
think I’m going to pass out.

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?

Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.

Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?

Caller: No

Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble 
breathing?

Caller: Running from the Police.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
A local church built a new sanctuary. They moved their very fine old 
pipe organ from the old to the new sanctuary.
It was an intricate task that was completed successfully. The local 
news heralded, “St. Paul Completes Organ Transplant.”

 ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Bob Hope once received an award and graciously gave full credit to 
his four writers for making it possible.

The next to receive the award was Bishop Fulton J. Sheen. He stepped 
to the mike and with a grin, he announced, “I also want to thank my 
four writers - Mathew, Mark, Luke and John.”

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A friend of mine was having a bit of marital-tension in his household 
and was trying to figure-out just what to do about it.

In the course of our conversation, I happened to mention to him that: 
“You know, quite often God speaks to us through our wives.”

My friend looked at me kind-a funny and said, “Wow! I didn’t know God 
used that kind of language!”

 ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door 
onto the porch.

Someone called 911.

When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and 
asked if he knew what caused him to faint.

“It was enough to make anybody faint,” he said.

“My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving 
the car out,  he came out with the lawn mower.”

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
My English professor was stopped for speeding. When asked why she was 
driving so fast, she quoted Robert Frost: “I have promises to keep 
and miles to go before I sleep.”

   “But, Miss,” replied the officer, obviously familiar with the 
poet, “Frost chose the road less traveled, and, unfortunately for 
you, this wasn’t it.”

 ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A guy was down on Fisherman’s Wharf in San Francisco when he saw a 
seafood restaurant and a sign on the Specials Board which read, “Big 
Lobster Tales, $5 each.”

Amazed at the great value, he said to the waitress, “$5 each for 
lobster tails . . . is that correct?”

“Yes”, she said, “It’s our special just for today.”

“Well”, he said, “they must be little lobster tails.”

“No,” she replied, “they’re really big!”

“Are you sure they aren’t green lobster tails - and a little bit tough?”

“No”, she said, “they’re really big, red lobster tails”

“Big red lobster tails, $5 each?”, he said, amazed.

“They must be old lobster tails!”

“No, they’re definitely today’s.”

“Today’s big red lobster tails - $5 each?” he repeated, astounded.

“Yes”, she insisted.

“Well, here’s my five dollars,” he said, “I’ll take one.”

She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to 
sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his 
shoulder, leaned over close to him and said,

“Once upon a time there was a really big red lobster ...”
Thanks to Josh in Seattle!!!

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro east on I-20 toward 
Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper 
pulled over quickly.

The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said “Hey sarge, why did 
you stop?”

The sarge replied, “Stupid rookie, he’s in Georgia now. They’re an 
hour ahead of us, so we’ll never catch him.”

 ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Two goats wandered into the junkyard and had a field day. One of them 
spent a particularly long time bent over a spool of film. When he was 
finished, the other goat came over. “So, did you enjoy the film?”
The goat replied, “To tell you the truth, I liked the book better.”

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog. If 
the dog is at the door and he is wet, it’s probably raining. But if 
the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining 
really hard.If the dog’s fur looks like it’s been rubbed the wrong 
way, it’s probably windy.
If the dog has snow on his back, it’s probably sno ing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to 
leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad 
weather.

Sincerely, The Cat

 ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
An elderly gentleman checked into a New York hotel. The clerk 
mentioned the phone service the establishment made available for 
calling guests who wished to rise at an early hour.

“No need for that, young man,” snapped the old timer. “I  always wake 
up at five A.M. sharp - without an alarm clock.”

“Very good, sir,” the clerk replied, then asked, “Would you mind 
calling me at six?”

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The rules at a particular university were such that if the professor 
were not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past the hour, the 
class was considered a "walk" and the students were free to leave - 
with no penalties for missing a class.

The rooms were equipped with the type wall clocks that "jumped" ahead 
each minute, in a very noticeable fashion. As it were, these clocks 
were also not of the most sophis- ticated construction. Some 
enterprising student discovered that if one were to hit the clock 
with chalkboard erasers, it would cause the clock to "jump" ahead 1 
minute.

It became almost daily practice for these students to take target 
practice at the clock (as it would have it, this particular professor 
was not the most punctual, and the students considered him severely 
"absent-minded"). A few well aimed erasers, and lo, 15 minutes were 
passed, and class dismissed itself.

Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor 
strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told them "You have 
1 hour to complete".

The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around the 
room, gleefully taking aim at the clock. When he had successfully 
"jumped" the clock forward 1 hour, he closed the class and collected 
the exam papers.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
When Kevin came home, his wife, Liz, was crying.

"Your mother insulted me," Liz sobbed.

"My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the 
other side of the world?" Kevin asked.

"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened 
it because I was curious."

"And?"

"At the end of the letter it said, 'PS. Dear Liz, when you have 
finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son.'"

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
POLICE OFFICER: You're definitely to blame for this car accident.

MAURICE: What? That other driver clearly drove into me! How can you 
say it's my fault and not his?

POLICE OFFICER: Because his father is the mayor, his brother is the 
chief of police and I'm engaged to his sister.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A traveling salesman was passing through a rural town in Vermont and 
decided to take a little time out in order to have some clothes 
cleaned in a hurry. The town only had three streets so he was able to 
quickly locate a shop with a sign that read, "Cleaning and Pressing, 
24-Hour Service".

After explaining his needs, he said, "I'll be back for my suit 
tomorrow."

"Won't be ready til Saturday," replied the proprietor.

"But I thought you had 24-hour service," the customer protested.

"I do, son," the proprietor said. "But I only work eight hours a day. 
Today's Thursday....... eight hours today, eight hours Friday, eight 
on Saturday. That's 24-hour service."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
When the telemarketers call I explain to them, before they get 
started on their sales pitch, that I am married and not allowed to 
have any money or make any decisions. When they ask to speak to my 
spouse I tell them to call back after 10 O'Clock in the evening. I 
don't get a lot of follow up calls.

Thanks to Lauretta in Detroit

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"

"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son said, "why are you so weak?"

She said, "because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The man said, "that's terrible.
Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"

The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to
be filled with food if you should call."

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

A professor asked a student to remain for a few
moments after class. Holding out the young man's
assignment, the professor said,
"Did you write this poem all by yourself?"

The student said, "Every word of it."

The professor said, "Well, then, I'm glad to meet
you, Mr. Poe.  I thought you were long dead."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"God could not be everywhere, and therefore he made mothers."
         - Jewish Proverb

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
This is all there is this time.  Many of todays GGG came from the 
Humor Archives. We hope you got a few chuckles and maybe even a good 
hearty laugh or three. -- Have a great Week!


**** Reader's Submissions ****

ByAngel213

After tossing her  books on the sofa, she decided to grab a snack and get on-line . She logged  on under her screen name ByAngel213. She checked her Buddy List and saw GoTo123 was on. She sent him an instant message:

ByAngel213:

Hi. I'm  glad you are on! I thought someone was following me home today. It was really  weird!

GoTo123:

LOL You watch too much TV. Why would someone be  following you?

Don't you live in a safe  neighborhood?

ByAngel213:

Of course I do. LOL I guess it was my  imagination cuz' I didn't see anybody when I looked  out.

GoTo123:

Unless you gave your name out on-line. You haven't done that have you?

ByAngel213:

Of course not. I'm not stupid you know.

GoTo123:

Did you have a softball game after school  today?

ByAngel213:

Yes and we won!!

GoTo123:

That's great!  Who did you play?

ByAngel213:

We played the Hornets. LOL. Their  uniforms are so gross! They look like bees.LOL

GoTo123:

What is  your team called?

ByAngel213:

We are the Canton Cats. We have tiger  paws on our uniforms. They are really cool.

GoTo123:

Did you  pitch?

ByAngel213:

No I play second base. I got to go. My homework has  to be done before my parents get home. I don't want them mad at me.  Bye!

GoTo123:

Catch you later. Bye

Meanwhile......GoTo123 went to the member menu and began to search for her profile. When it came up, he  highlighted it and printed it out. He took out a pen and began to write down  what he knew about Angel so far.

Her name: Shannon

Birthday: Jan. 3,  1985

Age: 13

State where she lived: North Carolina

Hobbies:  softball, chorus, skating and going to the mall. Besides this information, he  knew she lived in Canton because she had just told him.

He knew she stayed by  herself until 6:30 p.m.every after noon until her parents came home from  work. He knew she played softball on Thursday afternoons on the school team,  and the team was named the Canton Cats. Her favorite number 7 was printed on  her jersey. He knew she was in the eighth grade at the Canton Junior High  School. She had told him all this in the

conversations they had on- line. He  had enough information to find her now.

Shannon didn't tell her parents  about the incident on the way home from the ball park that day. She didn't  want them to make a scene and stop her from walking home from the softball games. Parents were always over reacting and hers were the worst. It made her  wish she was not an only child. Maybe if she had brothers and sisters, her  parents wouldn't be so over protective.

By Thursday, Shannon had forgotten  about the footsteps following her.

Her game was in full swing when  suddenly she felt someone staring at her. It was then that the memory came  back. She glanced up from her second base position to see a man watching her closely.

He was leaning against the fence behind first base and he smiled when she looked at him. He didn't look scary and she quickly dismissed the sudden fear she had felt.

After the game, he sat on a bleacher while she talked to the coach. She noticed his smile once again as she walked past him. He nodded and she smiled back. He noticed her name on the back of her shirt. He knew he had found her.

Quietly, he walked a safe distance behind her. It was only a few blocks to Shannon's home, and once he saw  where she lived he quickly returned to the park to get his car.

Now he had to wait. He decided to get a bite to eat until the time came to go to  Shannon's house. He drove to a fast food restaurant and sat there until

time to make his move.

Shannon was in her room later that evening when she  heard voices in the living room.

"Shannon, come here," her father called. He sounded upset and she couldn't imagine why. She went into the room to see the man from the ballpark sitting on the sofa.

"Sit down," her father began, "this man has just told us a most interesting story  about you."

Shannon sat back. How could he tell her parents anything? She had never seen him before today!

"Do you know who I am, Shannon?" the man asked.

"No," Shannon answered.

"I am a police officer and your online friend, GoTo123."

Shannon was stunned. "That's impossible! GoTo is a kid my age! He's 14. And he lives in Michigan!"

The man smiled. "I know I told you all that, but it wasn't true. You see, Shannon, there are people on-line who pretend to be kids; I was one of them.

But while others do it to injure kids and hurt them, I belong to a group of parents who do it to  protect kids from predators. I came here to find you to

teach you  how dangerous it is to talk to people on-line. You told me enough about yourself to make it easy for me to find you. You named the school you

went to, the name of your ball team and the position you played. The number and  name on your jersey just made finding you a breeze."

Shannon was stunned. "You mean you don't live in Michigan?"

He laughed. "No, I live in  Raleigh. It made you feel safe to think I was so far away, didn't  it?"

She nodded.

"I had a friend whose daughter was like you. Only she wasn't as lucky.

The guy found her and murdered her while she was home  alone. Kids are taught not to tell anyone when they are alone, yet they do it  all the time on-line.

The wrong people trick you into giving out information  a little here and there on-line. Before you know it, you have told them  enough for them to

find you with out even realizing you have done it.

I hope  you've learned a lesson from this and won't

do it again. Tell others about this so they will

be safe too?"

"It's a promise!"

The best place for the bathroom scale is in front of the refrigerator.