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Subject: The Daily Funnies - November14, 2006




From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.

Welcome to T
he Funnies
"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
These  are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for  younger readers - PG
An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything.


Welcome New Subscribers
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us.
Heaven Help Them

Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser


TUESDAY NOVEMBER 14,2006


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: A football coach has to be smart enough to understand the game but dumb enough to think it's important.


"Dear Tide"
 
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.
 
Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
 
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
 
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
 
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
No one is more cautious than a first-time parent.
After our daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle, I
bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a little helmet.
The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double-checked
all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of the driveway,
carefully looked both ways and, swinging my leg up over the crossbar,
accidentally kicked her right in the chin.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"PET RULES"
 
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
 
Dear Dogs and Cats,
 
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
 
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
 
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
 
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.
 
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
 
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
 
To Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Complain About Our Pets:
 
1. They live here. You don't.
 
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture. )
 
3. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
 
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they...
 
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John Elway, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God
was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded
Broncos flag in the window.

"This house is yours for eternity, John," said God. "This is very
special; not everyone gets a house up here." John felt special, indeed,
and walked up to his house.

On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the
corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a Green and Gold sidewalk, a 50
foot tall flagpole with an enormous Packers logo flag, and in every
window, a Cheesehead.

John looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I
have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I won 2 Super Bowls, and I even
went to the Hall of Fame."

God said "So what do you want to know, John?" "Well, why does Brett
Favre get a better house than me?"

God chuckled, and said "John, that's not Brett Favre's house, it's
mine."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Washing Clothes Recipe"
 
Never thought of a "washer" in this light before...   what a blessing!
 
Washing Clothes Recipe'  -- imagine having a recipe for this ! ! !
 
Years ago an Alabama grandmother gave the new bride the following recipe:
 
This is an exact copy as written and found in an old scrapbook - with spelling errors and all.
 
WASHING CLOTHES
 
Build fire in backyard to heat kettle of rain water. Set tubs so smoke wont blow in eyes if wind is pert. Shave one hole cake of lie soap in boilin water.
 
Sort things, make 3 piles
1 pile white,
1 pile colored,
1 pile work britches and rags.
 
To make starch, stir flour in cool water to smooth, then thin down with boiling water.
 
Take white things, rub dirty spots on board, scrub hard, and boil, then rub colored don't boil just wrench and starch.
 
Take things out of kettle with broom stick handle, then wrench, and starch.
 
Hang old rags on fence.
 
Spread tea towels on grass.
 
Pore wrench water in flower bed. Scrub porch with hot soapy water. Turn tubs upside down.
 
Go put on clean dress, smooth hair with hair combs. Brew cup of tea, sit and rock a spell and count your blessings.
      
Paste this over your washer and dryer. Next time when you think things are bleak, read it again, kiss that washing machine and dryer, and give thanks. First thing each morning you should run and hug your washer and dryer, also your toilet---those two-holers used to get mighty cold!

For you non-southerners -wrench means rinse. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15."

I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A foursome of boys around 15 years old were playing golf behind my husband and his friend Benny. Benny wasn't having much luck avoiding the hazards, and it seemed each time he lost a ball, one of the lads from the group behind caught up and offered to sell him one. Even though he had a good supply of balls, Benny thought the kid was enterprising, so he bought them. When Benny was putting his clubs in the car after the game, he noticed a hole in the pocket of his bag-and realized the golf balls he had been buying were his own.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher
made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest may in town.
At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor,
I will contribute $1,000."

Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the
shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase
my donation to $5,000."

Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he
virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge."

He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the
head. He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!"

This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The happiest ending in the movies is when the fellow behind you finishes eating his popcorn.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man entered a barbershop and said: “I am tired of looking like everyone else! I want a change! Part my hair from ear to ear!” “Are you sure?” “Yes!” said the man. The barber did as he was told, and a satisfied customer left the shop. A few hours passed and the man reentered the shop. “Put it back the way it was,” he said. “What’s the matter? Asked the barber. “Are you tired of being a nonconformist already?” “No”, he replied, “I am tired of people whispering in my nose!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

* Hopefully, the price of new cars has peaked. Good thing too. I
mean; most dealers have a showroom and a recovery room as it is.

* For an auto mechanic, frustration is having a pound of grease on
both hands and no upholstery to wipe them on.

* I think a lot of trouble with the new cars is the bucket seats --
not everyone has the same size bucket.

* My neighbor bought the car in the first place because of the
huge rebates offered. The car's pretty smooth, but the rebate
check keeps bouncing.

* I don't see the sense of increasing horsepower and top speed in
the new cars with traffic the way it is. The other week on an
Interstate highway, I had to leave the car twice to make payments
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A rookie cop was calling up his station on his pocket radio. “I’m outside the Plaza Mall,” he reported. “A man has been robbed and I’ve got one them!”

“Which one?” asked the operator.

“The one that was robbed!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Wal-Mart is coming out with their own wine. It comes in two  
flavors – red and white trash. On the label they of course  
are telling people to drink responsibly. They don't want  
anyone drinking the wine and then getting behind the wheel  
of their home." --Jay Leno  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"President Bush and Nancy Pelosi met for lunch today. It  
didn't go well – she wouldn't pass anything."  
 --Dave Letterman  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"According to Britney Spears' pre-nup agreement, after she  
divorces Kevin Federline she'll have to pay him $30,000 a  
month. And when you add that to Federline's other sources  
of income, he'll be making a total of $30,000 a month."  
 --Conan O'Brien  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mrs. Jones called the doctor's office and was met with this  
response by the secretary. "This is Dr. Whitman's office.  
What would you like to talk about?"  

Mrs. Jones was disturbed by this response and replied  
sarcastically, "I want to order a hamburger with fries. For  
Christ's sake, why would I call a doctor if I didn't feel  
sick? I'm very sick. I need to see the doctor."  

"Fine," replied the secretary, "I can make an appointment  
for you. Let me see, ahhhh yes, I have an appointment one  
week from next Friday."  

"Great," said Mrs. Jones, "I'll have my mortician drop me  
off then!"  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the Olympics a man went up to a competitor who was  
carrying a very long pole.  

"Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?"  

"Nein, I am German, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
No one knows the age of the human race, but all agree that it is old enough to know better.

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Shirley's ressypees e-zine
We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular
recipe,
send your request to:
mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca


SUBSCRIBE RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

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**** HEALTH NEWS ****

Study looks at intravenous gene therapy  

PITTSBURGH, -- U.S. scientists say intravenous gene ther-  
apy could be used to protect vital organs and tissues  
from the effects of a radiological or nuclear bomb. "Ion-  
izing radiation can be extremely damaging to cells,  
tissues, organs and organ systems," said Dr. Joel  
Greenberger, a professor and chairman of the department  
of radiation oncology at the University of Pittsburgh  
School of Medicine. "In previous studies, we demonstrated  
gene therapy can be both swallowed in pill form and in-  
haled through a nebulizer prior to radiation exposure to  
protect healthy tissues from damage. "In this study, we  
found the same therapy administered intravenously also  
offers protection during exposure to whole-body irradia-  
tion." Greenberger said such intravenous administration  
could potentially offer wide-reaching protection to the  
public in the event of a terrorist attack since experts  
believe a significant number of the population would die  
within 30 days of receiving a large dose of radiation to  
the entire body. Greenberger and colleagues presented  
their research Tuesday in Philadelphia during the annual  
meeting of the American Society for Therapeutic Radiology  
and Oncology.   

Gene therapy used to improve memory  

STANFORD, Calif., -- U.S. neuroscientists say they have  
designed a gene that enhances memory and learning ability  
in animals under stress. Stanford University researchers  
say their experimental technique might lead to new forms  
of gene therapy that can reduce the severe neurological  
side effects of steroids, which are prescribed to millions  
of patients with arthritis, asthma and other illnesses.  
Neuroendocrinologist Professor Robert Sapolsky, co-author  
of the study, and colleagues created a chimera -- an  
experimental strand of DNA made with two genes stitched  
together, in this case a glucocorticoid-receptor gene from  
a rat combined with an estrogen-receptor gene from a human.  
When this new chimeric gene was injected into the hippo-  
campus of a rat, the gene produced new protein receptors  
that quickly converted stress-inducing glucocorticoids  
into beneficial estrogen signals. "They suggest this gene  
therapy not only blocks the deleterious effects of gluco-  
corticoids, but actually enhances spatial memory and  
learning through estrogen-controlled events, even in the  
presence of stress," said Sapolsky. "Seeing this enhance-  
ment effect was pretty exciting. It's the best we could  
have hoped for. The research appears in the current issue  
of the Journal of Neuroscience.   

French scientists build virus from DNA  

VILLEJUIF, France, -- French scientists have used DNA tech-  
nology to reconstruct a virus that infected the primate  
precursors to humans millions of years ago. The scientists,  
at the Gustave Roussy Institute in Villejuif, France, said  
they rebuilt the virus from traces that still exist within  
the human genome, The New York Times reported Wednesday.  
Scientists estimate that human endogenous retroviruses make  
up about 8 percent of the human genome. They occur when  
retroviruses insert copies of their DNA into a host cell's  
genome. "Our genome is filled with retroviruses," said  
Thierry Heidmann, an expert on human endogenous retro-  
viruses at the institute. "It's a hard idea to understand,  
but they are part of our genome." The scientists named the  
reconstructed virus "Phoenix," and said they plan to use  
it to investigate the role of human endogenous retroviruses  
in cancer. 
 

**** Reader's Submissions ****

From Malladi

Fear GodFor several years, John Wesley, the founder of the Methodist church, doubtedhis own conversion even while he worked tirelessly as a pastor. One day he boarded a ship to cross the Atlantic along with a number of MoravianChristians. En route, they encountered a terrible storm. All hands were on deck as the vessel reeled violently on the dark ocean waves. Water wasrushing in, and the sails were ripping; yet these Moravian families stood peacefully on deck, singing hymns.Wesley, who was clinging, terrified, to the side of the ship, asked, "Aren't you afraid?"One of the men replied, "No, I'm not afraid.""Well," asked a perplexed Wesley, "aren't the women and the childrenafraid?"The man said, "No, we're not afraid to die. Our lives are in God's hands."At that point, Wesley became convicted that he didn't really have faith in God.

 Not long after, the Prince of Peace converted his heart. Later, Wesley wrote, "He that fears God, fears nothing else. If you do not fear God, you fear everything else."

**** ON THIS DAY ****


**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!

 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****
Harvick flies at Phoenix as Johnson nears title
Harvick quenched in Desert

Montoya may bloom early
Ganassi ponders entering former F1 star in Nextel Cup finale.
Kenseth pessimistic
Notes: Roush driver rues Phoenix run; Hamlin lauds Johnson.
NHRA champions crowned
Schumacher makes history in Top Fuel; Force, Hines also win.


Subscribe Today: Home Delivery of USA TODAY - Save 35%

**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****

14-

Ken Carson, "Sons of the Pioneers," born 1914.

Noel Boggs, western swing steel guitarist, born Oklahoma City, OK 1917.

Merle Travis recorded "Won'tcha Be My Baby," 1950.

Marty Robbins first Columbia recording session 1951.

Ernest Tubb recorded "I'm In Love With Molly," for Decca 1951.

The Carlisles joined the Grand Ole Opry 1953.

The "Blue Bonnet Barn Dance," debuted 1953 on KCEN-TV Temple, TX.

Time Magazine coined the phrase "Nashville Sound," in an article 1960.

Johnny Cash was arrested in Nashville, for an alcohol related offense 1961.

Tom T. Hall recorded "I Flew Over Our House Last Night" 1972.

Johnny Paycheck released his album "Take This Job and Shove It" 1977.

Rosanne Cash's single "My Baby Thinks He's a Train" went to #1 1981.

Mel Tillis' home severely damaged by fire 1988.

Wynonna and hubby Arch Kelley III announced that they were divorcing 1998. The couple was married in 1995, after Wynonna became pregnant with their second child.

Jasmine Records released Red Foley's album "Stay a Little Longer" 2000.

Collectables released Flatt & Scruggs "Town and Country/Changin' Times" 2000.

Toby Keith was named "Favorite Male Artist" for the third consecutive year, at The American Music Awards show in Los Angeles 2004.


 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

Carrie Underwood's Debut Certified Quadruple-Platinum  

Carrie Underwood's debut album, Some Hearts, has been cer-  
tified quadruple platinum for shipments of 4 million copies.  
"There are so many people that have done so much -- song-  
writers, producers, all the people at the label," Underwood  
said. "Country radio has been awesome to me, and they've  
played my music, and people have requested my songs and  
bought the albums and seen me in concert. I mean, it takes  
8 million people to sell 4 million copies! It's just amaz-  
ing what everybody has accomplished." The album includes  
two No. 1 singles -- "Jesus, Take the Wheel" and "Before  
He Cheats."  
 

Trace Adkins Premieres New Music Video  

The world premiere of Trace Adkins' new music video, "Ladies  
Love Country Boys," took place Thursday (Nov. 9) on CMT Top  
Twenty Countdown and is available for free streaming online  
at CMT.com. CMT Top Twenty Countdown airs again Friday  
(Nov. 10) at noon ET/PT. "Ladies Love Country Boys" is the  
latest single from Adkins' Capitol Nashville album,  
Dangerous Man. The video was directed by Michael Salomon.  
Adkins current CMT on Tour roadwork with Jason Aldean and  
Billy Currington continues with shows Thursday in  
Binghamton, N.Y., Friday in Manchester, N.H., and Saturday  
in Rochester, N.Y.
   


**** Amy's Kitchen ****  

Quick and Easy Swiss Steak

Prep/Cook Time: 35 min
1 pound boneless beef sirloin or top round steak, 3/4 inch thick
3 tablespoons cornstarch
1 can (14 1/2 ounces) Swanson® Ready to Serve Clear Beef Broth
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
1 medium onion, cut into wedges (about 1 cup)
1 stalk celery, sliced (about 1/2 cup)
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
1 cup cut-up canned tomatoes
4 cups hot cooked rice, noodles or mashed potatoes
1. Slice beef into very thin strips. In bowl mix cornstarch and broth
until smooth. Set aside.
2. In medium skillet over medium-high heat, heat half the oil. Add beef
in 2 batches and cook until browned. Set beef aside.
3. Reduce heat to medium. Add remaining oil. Add onion, celery and
garlic powder and cook until tender-crisp. Pour off fat.
4. Add tomatoes. Stir cornstarch mixture and add. Cook until mixture
boils and thickens, stirring constantly. Return beef to pan and heat
through. Serve over rice.
Makes 4 servings
TIP: To make slicing easier, freeze beef 1 hour.
This recipe created by Swanson.


**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

 I've never dated and I just started dating my first girlfriend. How can I be a good boyfriend?

The answer is simple: BE YOURSELF. If you try to do nice things that are not really part of you, and you make this girl fall in love with this nice details.....oopss, sooner or later you will grow tired of being someone you are not and then she will leave you.

I can assure you that after some (long or short) time your passion will decay, and you will stop doing whatever is not really part of you.

So if it's not in you to open doors for her, do not do it. Let her know from the beginning who you really are. Let her fall in love with YOU, not a manners book.

In the end, even if she rejects you, will be better for both. Yes both, because you will know that she wasn't for you either.




****A PARTING THOUGHT ****

There would be fewer divorces if men gave as much loving attention to their wives as they do to their cars, boats, and dogs.

LAST CALL Y'ALL



HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
PLEASE
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