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From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A. ![]() Welcome to The Funnies "Friends
are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything. Welcome New
Subscribers TUESDAY NOVEMBER 14,2006 "Dear Tide"
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've
used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact,
about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My
inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I
was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another
and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my
bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all
of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came
by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my
attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the
disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without
being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag
people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ No one is more cautious than a first-time parent. After our daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle, I bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a little helmet. The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double-checked all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of the driveway, carefully looked both ways and, swinging my leg up over the crossbar, accidentally kicked her right in the chin. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "PET RULES"
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the
middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and
dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster
than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.
Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not
necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest
extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues
hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to
claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try
to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have
been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not
required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I
cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door:
To Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture. )
3. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is
short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they...
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time 3 Are easier to train 4. Normally come when called 5. Never ask to drive the car 6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends 7. Don't smoke or drink 8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions 9. Don't want to wear your clothes 10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and... 11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John Elway, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Broncos flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity, John," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here." John felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a Green and Gold sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Packers logo flag, and in every window, a Cheesehead. John looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I won 2 Super Bowls, and I even went to the Hall of Fame." God said "So what do you want to know, John?" "Well, why does Brett Favre get a better house than me?" God chuckled, and said "John, that's not Brett Favre's house, it's mine." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Washing Clothes Recipe" Never thought of a "washer" in this light before... what a blessing! Washing Clothes Recipe' -- imagine having a recipe for this ! ! ! Years ago an Alabama grandmother gave the new bride the following recipe: This is an exact copy as written and found in an old scrapbook - with spelling errors and all. WASHING CLOTHES Build fire in backyard to heat kettle of rain water. Set tubs so smoke wont blow in eyes if wind is pert. Shave one hole cake of lie soap in boilin water. Sort things, make 3 piles 1 pile white, 1 pile colored, 1 pile work britches and rags. To make starch, stir flour in cool water to smooth, then thin down with boiling water. Take white things, rub dirty spots on board, scrub hard, and boil, then rub colored don't boil just wrench and starch. Take things out of kettle with broom stick handle, then wrench, and starch. Hang old rags on fence. Spread tea towels on grass. Pore wrench water in flower bed. Scrub porch with hot soapy water. Turn tubs upside down. Go put on clean dress, smooth hair with hair combs. Brew cup of tea, sit and rock a spell and count your blessings. Paste this over your washer and dryer. Next time when you think things are bleak, read it again, kiss that washing machine and dryer, and give thanks. First thing each morning you should run and hug your washer and dryer, also your toilet---those two-holers used to get mighty cold! For you non-southerners -wrench means rinse. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A foursome of boys around 15 years old were playing golf behind my husband and his friend Benny. Benny wasn't having much luck avoiding the hazards, and it seemed each time he lost a ball, one of the lads from the group behind caught up and offered to sell him one. Even though he had a good supply of balls, Benny thought the kid was enterprising, so he bought them. When Benny was putting his clubs in the car after the game, he noticed a hole in the pocket of his bag-and realized the golf balls he had been buying were his own. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest may in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000." Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000." Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge." He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!" This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The happiest ending in the movies is when the fellow behind you finishes eating his popcorn. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&A man entered a barbershop and said: “I am tired of looking like everyone else! I want a change! Part my hair from ear to ear!” “Are you sure?” “Yes!” said the man. The barber did as he was told, and a satisfied customer left the shop. A few hours passed and the man reentered the shop. “Put it back the way it was,” he said. “What’s the matter? Asked the barber. “Are you tired of being a nonconformist already?” “No”, he replied, “I am tired of people whispering in my nose!” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ * Hopefully, the price of new cars has peaked. Good thing too. I mean; most dealers have a showroom and a recovery room as it is. * For an auto mechanic, frustration is having a pound of grease on both hands and no upholstery to wipe them on. * I think a lot of trouble with the new cars is the bucket seats -- not everyone has the same size bucket. * My neighbor bought the car in the first place because of the huge rebates offered. The car's pretty smooth, but the rebate check keeps bouncing. * I don't see the sense of increasing horsepower and top speed in the new cars with traffic the way it is. The other week on an Interstate highway, I had to leave the car twice to make payments ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A rookie cop was calling up his station on his pocket radio. “I’m outside the Plaza Mall,” he reported. “A man has been robbed and I’ve got one them!” “Which one?” asked the operator. “The one that was robbed!” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Wal-Mart is coming out with their own wine. It comes in two flavors – red and white trash. On the label they of course are telling people to drink responsibly. They don't want anyone drinking the wine and then getting behind the wheel of their home." --Jay Leno ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "President Bush and Nancy Pelosi met for lunch today. It didn't go well – she wouldn't pass anything." --Dave Letterman ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "According to Britney Spears' pre-nup agreement, after she divorces Kevin Federline she'll have to pay him $30,000 a month. And when you add that to Federline's other sources of income, he'll be making a total of $30,000 a month." --Conan O'Brien ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mrs. Jones called the doctor's office and was met with this response by the secretary. "This is Dr. Whitman's office. What would you like to talk about?" Mrs. Jones was disturbed by this response and replied sarcastically, "I want to order a hamburger with fries. For Christ's sake, why would I call a doctor if I didn't feel sick? I'm very sick. I need to see the doctor." "Fine," replied the secretary, "I can make an appointment for you. Let me see, ahhhh yes, I have an appointment one week from next Friday." "Great," said Mrs. Jones, "I'll have my mortician drop me off then!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ At the Olympics a man went up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole. "Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?" "Nein, I am German, but how did you know my name ist Walter?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ No one knows the age of the human race, but all agree that it is old enough to know better. Shirley's ressypees e-zine We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular recipe, send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca SUBSCRIBE RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& You can join The Funnies IT'S FREE To subscribe, Click on link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
**** Reader's Submissions **** From Malladi Fear
GodFor several years, John Wesley, the founder of the Methodist church,
doubtedhis own conversion even while he worked tirelessly as a pastor. One day
he boarded a ship to cross the Not
long after, the Prince of Peace converted his heart. Later, Wesley wrote, "He
that fears God, fears nothing else. If you do not fear God, you fear everything
else."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 14- Ken Carson, "Sons of the Pioneers," born 1914. Noel Boggs, western swing steel guitarist, born Oklahoma City, OK 1917. Merle Travis recorded "Won'tcha Be My Baby," 1950. Marty Robbins first Columbia recording session 1951. Ernest Tubb recorded "I'm In Love With Molly," for Decca 1951. The Carlisles joined the Grand Ole Opry 1953. The "Blue Bonnet Barn Dance," debuted 1953 on KCEN-TV Temple, TX. Time Magazine coined the phrase "Nashville Sound," in an article 1960. Johnny Cash was arrested in Nashville, for an alcohol related offense 1961. Tom T. Hall recorded "I Flew Over Our House Last Night" 1972. Johnny Paycheck released his album "Take This Job and Shove It" 1977. Rosanne Cash's single "My Baby Thinks He's a Train" went to #1 1981. Mel Tillis' home severely damaged by fire 1988. Wynonna and hubby Arch Kelley III announced that they were divorcing 1998. The couple was married in 1995, after Wynonna became pregnant with their second child. Jasmine Records released Red Foley's album "Stay a Little Longer" 2000. Collectables released Flatt & Scruggs "Town and Country/Changin' Times" 2000. Toby Keith was named "Favorite Male Artist" for the third consecutive year, at The American Music Awards show in Los Angeles 2004.
I've never
dated and I just started dating my first girlfriend. How can I be a good
boyfriend? There would be fewer divorces if men gave as much loving attention to their wives as they do to their cars, boats, and dogs. LAST CALL
Y'ALL Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed
from various areas
on the web
and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold copyright on any of these materials please inform me so I may give the proper credit, or remove it which ever you prefer. ~ GOD BLESS AMERICA ~ To subscribe, Click on a link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com ~ To unsubscribe from this opt-in mailing list click on link at the end of this mailing ~ Regarding any problems In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or comments at: JIM4615@JOINK.COM or Jim Dowers P.O. Box 521 Carlisle, IN 47838-0521 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Miss getting The Funnies,or is your ISP blocking mail again? No problem To Read the Funnies on line. Just click on this link Archives Index: http://archives.zinester.com/25438 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Unsubscribe link is at the END of this list God Bless America , Our Land , Forever May She Stand &&&&&&&&&& THIS DOCUMENT IS VIRUS FREE Scanned by Avast virus protection ~ Unsubscription Email: 25438-unsubscribe@zinester.com Unsubscription URL: http://www.zinester.com/mpb/unsub.cgi?25438
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