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November16, 2006 - The Daily Funnies >> |
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From
Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A. ![]() Welcome to The Funnies "Friends
are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything. Welcome New
Subscribers WEDNESDAY NOVEMBER 15,2006 My father, a handyman, crafted a
gizmo--a heavy-duty steel adapter to a ball hitch--to attach to the front of his
truck so that he could push his trailer and sailboat down the ramp into the
water rather than have to go through the difficult manoeuvring to back them
down. When a conference of diplomats announces that they have agreed in principle, it means that nothing has been done. I think one of the greatest
things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I
want to around the house. Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse
who is packing your parachute Education is a wonderful thing, if you couldn't sign your name, you'd have to pay cash. "What's right is what's left if you do everything
wrong." Behind every successful woman, is a man who is surprised. To kill a circus in one blow,
go for the juggler You don't find happiness, you create it. &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&Shirley's ressypees e-zine We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular recipe, send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca SUBSCRIBE RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& You can join The Funnies IT'S FREE To subscribe, Click on link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
As always, sent your way "Just for the Fun of it!!!" --- Hope
you get a few chuckles and maybe even a good hearty laff or three. -- TURKEY and
PUMPKIN PIE is just around the corner....
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
First of all ... WE
just received a another Virus Alert and we want to pass it on ... Please read
carefully and then pass it on to evryone you know who has a computer.? Thannk
You!!!
If you receive an email
entitled
"Bedtimes"
Delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not
open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty.
It will not only erase
everything on your hard drive, but it will also
delete anything on disks
within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes
the stripes on ALL of your
credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access
code, screws up the tracking
on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics
to scratch any CD's you
attempt to play. It will program your phone auto
dial to call only 0898
numbers.This virus will mix antifreeze into your
fish
tank.
? ? ? ? IT WILL CAUSE YOUR
TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?? It will
drink ALL your beer.
? ? ? &n bsp; ? ? ? ? ??
FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING? ?
It will leave dirty underwear
on the coffee table when you are expecting
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
?? company.
It will replace your shampoo
with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the
"Bedtimes" message opened in a
Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the
toilet seat up and leave your
hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a
? ? full bathtub. It will not
only remove the forbidden tags from your
mattresses and pillows, it
will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
? ? ? ***
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? WARN AS
MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
? ? ? ***
? And if you don't send this
to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so
hard that your right leg will
spasm and shoot straight out in front of you,
? ? ? ? ? sending sparks that
will ignite the person nearest you.
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?? Send this
warning to everyone!!!
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? THERE'S A
LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD!
? ?? Right now, as you read
this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!!
And look at you - you're on
the computer!!
{From CArol in
Kalamazoo}
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
A man and his wife are awakened at 3
o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. ?It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside." His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" So the man reluctantly gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the darkness. " Where are you?" " Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk. WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
A man
decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He
got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains became too much and he
could go no farther. Finally, a
guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. A short
distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew
through a speed trap. WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
BETTER TRY
LESS SPEED PER MILE
THAT CAR MAY HAVE
TO LAST AWHILE.
BURMA SHAVE
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
A BEARD THAT ROUGH
AND OVERGROWN
WORKS BETTER THAN
A CHAPERONE
BURMA SHAVE
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
The cop got out of his car and the kid
who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
IT HAS A TINGLE AND A TANG AND STARTS THE DAY OFF ?WITH A BANG. BURMA SHAVE WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
5 little turkeys standing by
door, One waddled off, and then there were 4.
4 little turkeys under a tree,
One waddled off , and then there were 3.
3 little turkeys with nothing to
do, One waddled off, and then there were 2.
2 little turkeys in the noon day
sun, One waddled off, and then there was 1.
One little turkey better run
away, For soon will come Thanksgiving day.
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING, BUT I JUST COULDN'T
SLEEP
I TRIED COUNTING BACKWARDS, I TRIED COUNTING SHEEP.
THE LEFTOVERS BECKONED - THE DARK MEAT AND WHITE
BUT I FOUGHT THE TEMPTATION WITH ALL OF MY MIGHT
TOSSING AND TURNING WITH ANTICIPATION
THE THOUGHT OF A SNACK BECAME INFATUATION.
SO, I RACED TO THE KITCHEN, FLUNG OPEN THE DOOR
AND GAZED AT THE FRIDGE, FULL OF GOODIES GALORE.
I GOBBLED UP TURKEY AND BUTTERED POTATOES,
PICKLES AND CARROTS, BEANS AND TOMATOES.
I FELT MYSELF SWELLING SO PLUMP AND SO ROUND,
'TIL ALL OF A SUDDEN, I ROSE OFF THE GROUND.
I CRASHED THROUGH THE CEILING, FLOATING INTO THE SKY
WITH A MOUTHFUL OF PUDDING AND A HANDFUL OF PIE.
BUT, I MANAGED TO YELL AS I SOARED PAST THE TREES....
HAPPY EATING TO ALL - PASS THE CRANBERRIES, PLEASE.
MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY, MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP.
MAY YOUR POTATOES 'N GRAVY HAVE NARY A LUMP.
MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS, MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE
PRIZE,
MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER STAY OFF OF YOUR THIGHS.
Happy Thanksgiving? ?????? [堳pecial thanks to Mike in
Boston]
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Betty, (age
82) gets pulled over for speeding. Betty: Is
there a problem sir? WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those
little
bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.
NAIVE
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a
peeing
section in a swimming pool?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean
that one
enjoys it?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland
called Holes?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just
stale bread
to begin with?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons
and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use?
Toothpicks?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what
exactly are the
others here for?
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
A man approached his family physician and said, "Doc, I'm
afraid you'll
have to remove my wife's tonsils one of these
days."
The doctor pulled out the family's medical file and exclaimed,
"Why, I
removed them six years ago! Did you ever hear of a woman
having two sets
of tonsils?"
"No," the husband retorted, "but you've heard of a man having
two wives,
haven't you?
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
How about the two old men, one a retired professor of
psychology and the
other a retired professor of history. Their wives had talked
them into a
two week stay at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting
around on
the porch of the hotel watching the sun set.
The history professor said to the psychology professor, "Have
you read
Marx?"
To which the professor of psychology said, "Yes, I think it's
the wicker
chairs!"
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Toddler's Property Laws:
1.) If I like it, it's mine.
2.) If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3.) If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4.) If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5.) If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any
way.
6.) If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are
mine.
7.) If it looks like mine, it's mine.
8.) If I saw it first, it's mine.
9.) If you are playing with something and you put it down,
it
automatically becomes mine.
10.) If it's broken, it's yours.
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
John had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty
all day
long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt
and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice,
within himself,
trying to reassure him: "John, don't worry about it. You
aren't the
first doctor to sleep with one of their patients, and you
won't be the
last. And you're single. Let it go..."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to
reality: "John,
you're a vet..."
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
ACCIDENT REPORTS The following are reported to be taken from actual insurance claims:
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
I pulled into a crowded parking lot at
a Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my
dog, Labrador Retriever pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying ,"Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!" The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blond young lady, gave me a strange look and said " Mister, why don't you just put it in park?" WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
PARTING SHOT...
WHERE DRIVERS ARE FROM
One hand on wheel,
one hand on horn: CHICAGO
One hand on wheel,
one fist out window: NEW YORK
One hand on wheel,
one fist out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW
JERSEY
One hand on wheel,
one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON
One hand on wheel,
one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on
accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES
Both hands on
wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in
CALIFORNIA
Both hands in air,
gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back
seat: ITALY
One hand on 12 oz.
Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind
on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic:
SEATTLE
One hand on wheel,
one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the
accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window:
TEXAS
Four-wheel drive
pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel
tails attached to antenna: ALABAMA
Two hands gripping
wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate
in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
IF YOU ARE
WONDERING WHAT KIND OF WINTER WE'RE GOING TO HAVE....HERE IS THE OFFICIAL
FORECAST. . . .(Many Thanks to Gene in New
Mexico)
It was October and the Indians on
a remote reservation asked their new Chief?
if the coming winter was going to
be cold or mild.?
Since he was a Chief in a modern
society he had never been taught the old secrets.?
When he looked at the sky he
couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.?
Nevertheless, to be on the safe
side he told his tribe that the winter was?indeed going to be cold and that the members of the
village should collect?firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader,
after several days he?got an idea.?
He went to the phone booth,
called the National Weather Service and asked,?
"Is the coming winter going to be
cold?"?
"It looks like this winter is
going to be quite cold" the meteorologist at?the
weather service responded.?
So the Chief went back to his
people and told them to collect even more?firewood in order to be
prepared.
A week later he called t he
National?Weather Service again.?
"Does it still look like it is
going to be a very cold winter?"?
"Yes," the man at National
Weather Service again replied, "it's going to?be
a very cold winter."?
The Chief again went back to his
people and ordered them to collect every?scrap of firewood they could
find.?
Two weeks later the?Chief called
the?National Weather Service again.?
"Are you absolutely sure that the
winter is going to be very cold?"?
"Absolutely," the man replied.
"It's looking more and more like it is going to?be
one of the coldest winters ever."?
"How can you be so sure?" the
Chief asked.?
The weatherman replied, "The
Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
THIS ENDETH
TODAYS "HUMP DAY" COLLECTION OF GGG - DID YOU GET A FEW LAUGHS?? IF YOU DID,
PASS THEM ON.? ?SEE YOU NEXT TIME!!
THE FRITZBEAR - IN
CHICAGO!!!
**** Reader's Submissions **** Tue Nov 7,
small
Bibles in his shirt pocket for saving his life when they stopped a
bullet. The man,
whose name was withheld because his attackers are still at large,
told police that two men who he didn't recognize ambushed him with a
rifle as he carried bags of garbage to a trash bin. The two men
fled in opposite directions and have not been arrested. Other than
a red mark and a pain in his chest, he was not injured, The
Florida Times-Union reported Tuesday. The man
said he was carrying two New Testament Bibles in his shirt pocket to
give to friends. Police took the Bibles as
evidence. That
secret ingredient Some
years ago when I was a pastor, I walked into my church office after a
Sunday morning service to find a sandwich bag on my desk
containing three chocolate brownies. Some
thoughtful and anonymous saint who knew my love for chocolate
had placed them there, along with a piece of paper that had a short
story written on it. I immediately
sat down and began eating the first brownie as I read
the following story: wo
teenagers asked their father if they could go the theater to
watch a movie that all their friends had seen.
After reading some reviews about the movie on the Internet,
he denied their request. "Aw dad, why not?" they complained.
"It's rated PG-13, and we're both older than
thirteen!" Dad
replied: "Because that movie contains nudity and
portrays immorality,
which is something that God hates, as being normal
and acceptable
behavior." "But dad,
those are just very small parts of the movie! That's what our
friends who've seen it have told us. The movie is two
hours long and those scenes are just a few minutes of the
total film! It's based on a true story,
and good triumphs over evil, and there are other redeeming
themes like courage and self-sacrifice. Even the
Christian movie review websites say that!" "My answer
is 'no,' and that is my final answer. You are welcome
to stay home
tonight, invite some of your friends over,
and watch one of the good videos we have in our home
collection. But you will not go and watch that
film. End of discussion."
The two
teenagers walked dejectedly into the family room and slumped
down on the couch. As they sulked, they were surprised to
hear the sounds of their father preparing something in the
kitchen. They soon recognized the wonderful aroma of brownies
baking in the oven, and one of the teenagers said to the
other, "Dad must be feeling guilty, and now he's going to try
to make it up to us with some fresh brownies.
Maybe we
can soften him with lots of praise when he brings them out to
us and persuade him to let us go to that movie after all." About
that time I began eating the second brownie from the sandwich bag
and wondered if there was some connection to the brownies I
was eating and the brownies in the story.
I kept reading... The teens
were not disappointed. Soon their father appeared with a
plate of warm brownies; which he offered to his
kids. They each took one. Then their father
said, "Before you eat, I want to tell you something:
I love you both so much." The
teenagers smiled at each other with knowing glances.
Dad was softening. "That is
why I've made these brownies with the very best ingredients.
I've made them from scratch. Most of the ingredients are even
organic. The best organic flour. The best free-range eggs.
The best organic sugar. Premium vanilla and
chocolate." The
brownies looked mouth -watering, and the teens began to
become a little impatient with their dad's long speech.
"But I
want to be perfectly honest with you. There is one ingredient
I added that is not usually found in brownies. I got
that ingredient from our own back yard. But you needn't
worry, because I only added the tiniest bit of that
ingredient to your brownies. The amount of the portion is
practically insignificant. So go ahead, take a
bite and let me know what you think." "Dad,
would you mind telling us what that mystery ingredient is
before we eat?" "Why?
The portion I added was so small.
Just a teaspoonful. You won't even taste
it." "Come on,
dad, just tell us what that ingredient is" "Don't
worry! It is organic, just like the other
ingredients. "Dad!" "Well, OK,
if you insist. That secret ingredient is
organic...dog poop." I
immediately stopped chewing that second brownie and I spit it
out into the waste basket by my desk I continued reading, now
fearful of the paragraphs that still remained. Both
teens instantly dropped their brownies back on the plate and
began inspecting their fingers with horror. "DAD!
Why did you do that? You've
tortured us by making us smell those brownies cooking for the
last half hour, and now you tell us that you added dog
poop! We can't eat these
brownies!" "Why
not? The amount of dog poop is very small
compared to the rest of the ingredients.
It won't hurt you. It's been cooked
right along with the other ingredients. You won't even
taste it. It has the same consistency as
the brownies. Go ahead and
eat!" "No,
Dad...NEVER! "And that
is the same reason I won't allow you to go watch that movie.
You won't tolerate a little dog poop in your brownies, so why
should you tolerate a little immorality in your
movies? We pray that God will not lead us unto
temptation, so how can we in good conscience entertain
ourselves with something that will imprint a sinful image in
our minds that will lead into temptation long after we first
see it? I
discarded what remained of the second brownie as well as the
entire untouched third brownie. What had been
irresistible a minute ago had become detestable.
And only because of the very slim chance that what I
was eating was slightly polluted. (Surely
it wasn't...but I couldn't convince
myself.) What a
good lesson about purity! Why do we
tolerate any sin? On the day of the Passover, the Israelites were
commanded to remove every bit of leaven from their
homes. Sin is like leaven - a little bit
leavens the whole lump (1 Cor. 5:6). Jesus,
"our Passover" (1 Cor. 5:7), and sin, don't mix. "Do
not ask the Lord to guide your footsteps if you are not
willing to move your feet." Anonymous **** HEADS UP
FOLKS **** ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -15- Lowell Blanchard, Promoter, born Palmer, IL 1910. William Fries, a.k.a. "C. W. McCall," born Audubon, IA 1928. Patsy Montana was hired by WQAM radio, in Miami, FL 1950. Hank Snow released "A Fool Such As I" 1952. Elvis' first movie, "Love Me Tender" premiered in New York City in 1956. Elvis made a total of thirty-three movies. Bobby Helms recorded "Fraulein," 1956, and it remained on the charts for fifty-two weeks. Jack Ingram born Houston, TX 1970. Albert E. Brumley, age 72, gospel songwriter, died 1977. Alabama's "Alabama Christmas" album certified gold in 1985. Randy Travis' "Diggin' Up Bones" was #1 on the Country charts 1986. Capitol Nashville released John Berry's album "Things Are Not the Same" 1994. Wynonna made her acting debut on TV's "Touched By An Angel," 1998.
What is the most
common birthday? Being diplomatic is telling your boss he has an open mind instead of pointing out that he has a hole in his head.
Hey, Let's be careful out there *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ PLEASE Don't take anything you see in the Funnies personally. The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more. Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target here. EVERYONE IS FAIR GAME The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service. We do not sell, lease, loan, or give our subscribers' addresses to anyone for any reason. Our features are intended to be for entertainment only. Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed
from various areas
on the web
and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold copyright on any of these materials please inform me so I may give the proper credit, or remove it which ever you prefer. ~ GOD BLESS AMERICA ~ To subscribe, Click on a link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com ~ To unsubscribe from this opt-in mailing list click on link at the end of this mailing ~ Regarding any problems In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or comments at: JIM4615@JOINK.COM or Jim Dowers P.O. Box 521 Carlisle, IN 47838-0521 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Miss getting The Funnies,or is your ISP blocking mail again? No problem To Read the Funnies on line. Just click on this link Archives Index: http://archives.zinester.com/25438 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Unsubscribe link is at the END of this list God Bless America , Our Land , Forever May She Stand &&&&&&&&&& THIS DOCUMENT IS VIRUS FREE Scanned by Avast virus protection ~ Unsubscription Email: 25438-unsubscribe@zinester.com Unsubscription URL: http://www.zinester.com/mpb/unsub.cgi?25438
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