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Subject: The Daily Funnies - November15, 2006




From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.

Welcome to T
he Funnies
"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
These  are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for  younger readers - PG
An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything.


Welcome New Subscribers
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us.
Heaven Help Them

Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser


WEDNESDAY NOVEMBER 15,2006


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Some pain is physical
and some is mental, but one that's both is dental.

My father, a handyman, crafted a gizmo--a heavy-duty steel adapter to a ball hitch--to attach to the front of his truck so that he could push his trailer and sailboat down the ramp into the water rather than have to go through the difficult manoeuvring to back them down.

Just after he had launched his boat and was parking the truck, a passerby noticed the ball hitch and stopped to ask what it was. Dad explained how he could push his boat and trailer now. The man looked at Dad with respect. "It must take much skill to drive down the highway and steer your boat and trailer in front of you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As I was waiting for my wife at the reception desk at a spa, a flustered lady entered. She apologized to the receptionist for being late. "I walked up and down both sides of the street for 15 minutes trying to find the entrance to the spa," she said. When she finished her explanation, the receptionist's first question was, "Have you ever been here before?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man quickly chose a Valentine's Day card for his wife. The clerk, surprised by how little time he took, told him about a man who spent an hour looking for the right card. "I asked him if there was a problem, and he said, "Yes, I can't find one my wife will believe."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You know you're on a diet when cat food commercials make  
you hungry." --Andy Bumatai   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife and I take turns walking our five-year-old daughter  
to the bus stop for school every morning. Today was my turn,  
and as me and all the other moms in the neighborhood waited  
one of them asked me to say hello to my wife.  

"I will," I said. "it'll make her feel better. She has  
pneumonia..."  

"Oh, poor girl," they all said in unison.  

One of them crooked her eyebrow at me and said, "I hope  
you're helping her with the kids, the cooking and cleaning."  

"I can't," I said pointing to the band aid on my index finger.  
"Hangnail."   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An influential Londoner wound up a business trip to the  
Orient with a visit to Taipei. At a luncheon he was asked  
to say a few words. Since he spoke not a word of Chinese,  
his address was to be translated by an interpreter sentence  
by sentence.  

"I want you to know," he began, "I'm tickled to death to be  
asked here today."  

A look of panicked confusion appeared on the interpreter'  

s face. "This poor man," he said in Chinese, "Scratches  
himself until he dies, only to be with you today."   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was
involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent
to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital,
then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I
don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a train from London to Manchester, an American was
telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the
compartment. "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves
apart too much. Look at me... I have Italian blood, French
blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman replied, with a smile, "Very sporting of your Mother."

**** Quickies
 ****

When a conference of diplomats announces that they have agreed in principle, it means that nothing has been done.

I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house.

Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute

Education is a wonderful thing, if you couldn't sign your name, you'd have to pay cash.

"What's right is what's left if you do everything wrong."  
 --Robin Williams    

Behind every successful woman, is a man who is surprised.

To kill a circus in one blow, go for the juggler

"I was stopped once for going fifty-three in a thirty-five  
mile zone, but I told them I had dyslexia." --Spanky

You don't find happiness, you create it.

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recipe,
send your request to:
mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca


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**** HEALTH NEWS ****

 Zyflamend effective in prostate cancer  

NEW YORK, -- A Columbia University study has reportedly  
demonstrated Zyflamend, an proprietary herbal extract  
preparation, suppresses prostate cancer cell growth.  
The study also found Zyflamend induces prostate cancer  
cells to self-destruct via a process called "apoptosis."  
Columbia researchers said their study suggests Zyflamend  
has the ability, in vitro, to reduce prostate cancer cell  
proliferation by as much as 78 percent and confirms  
Zyflamend has COX-1 and COX-2 anti-inflammatory effects,  
although its anti-cancer affects against prostate cancer  
were independent of COX-2 inhibition. That, said the  
scientists, supports the postulation that some prostate  
cancer cells are not affected by COX-2 inflammation.  
"These results were particularly surprising and show great  
promise in the fight against prostate cancer," said  
researcher Dr. Debra Bemis of the Columbia University  
Department of Urology. "We hope that the magnitude of bene-  
fits shown in this research will be confirmed in the larger  
scale trial already in progress." On the strength of the  
laboratory research, Columbia's department of urology has  
commenced a Phase 1 human clinical trial testing Zyflamend's  
ability to prevent prostate cancer in patients with pros-  
tatic intraepithelial neoplasia -- a clinical precursor for  
prostate cancer. The study is detailed in the journal  
Nutrition and Cancer.   

Heart pump causes no mental damage  

BALTIMORE, -- Johns Hopkins scientists say they found no  
evidence of "cognitive decline" in patients undergoing  
bypass surgery involving use of a heart-lung machine. The  
researchers say they found the use of a cardiopulmonary  
heart pump during coronary artery bypass grafting, or CABG,  
surgery does not significantly damage such high-level men-  
tal tasks as thinking, reasoning and remembering. CABG sur-  
gery is effective for the relief of angina and reducing the  
risk of a heart attack, but the procedure has been believed  
by some patients to cause "pump-related" damage to one's  
cerebral cortex. To determine if there was a clinical basis  
for that concern, Dr. Guy McKhann, a professor at the Johns  
Hopkins University School of Medicine, led a non-randomized  
study comparing cognitive abilities of on-pump CABG patients,  
off-pump CABG patients, non-surgical patients with coronary  
artery disease and heart- healthy individuals. The results  
of the study showed on-pump CABG patients displayed no  
significant differences in their higher-level mental func-  
tions than did the other groups tested. "This outcome should  
be reassuring to both patients and surgeons engaged in on-  
pump CABG surgeries," McKhann said.   

TELLING A COLD FROM THE FLU  

As flu season begins in the United States, many are confused  
about the difference between a cold and flu. Dr. Seth  
Feltheimer of NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital/Columbia says a  
cold is usually an upper respiratory tract infection with  
sore throat, head congestion, sinus pain, and low-grade fever  
that lasts two to three days. The flu has a higher fever, a  
sore throat, a cough, and body aches and can take a week or  
longer and can lead to serious complications, especially for  
high-risk individuals like asthmatics and the elderly. The  
best way to prevent a cold is to wash hands frequently and  
avoid people with colds -- they are transmitted by touching  
something that an infected person has touched, or by breathing  
droplets emitted by an infected person. In any event, a cold  
or flu is a virus, and, therefore, cannot be treated with  
antibiotics.  



*****Fred.....The Ole Fritbear!!!*****
Hi Ya All --- Here they come, another collection of Grins, Giggles and a few Groaners.?

As always, sent your way "Just for the Fun of it!!!" --- Hope you get a few chuckles and maybe even a good hearty laff or three. -- TURKEY and PUMPKIN PIE is just around the corner....

WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
First of all ... WE just received a another Virus Alert and we want to pass it on ... Please read carefully and then pass it on to evryone you know who has a computer.? Thannk You!!!

If you receive an email entitled
"Bedtimes"

Delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty.
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also
delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes
the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access
code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics
to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto
dial to call only 0898 numbers.This virus will mix antifreeze into your
fish tank.

? ? ? ? IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?? It will drink ALL your beer.
? ? ? &n bsp; ? ? ? ? ?? FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING? ?
It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?? company.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the
"Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the
toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a
? ? full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your
mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ***
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ***
? And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so
hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you,
? ? ? ? ? sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?? Send this warning to everyone!!!
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD!
? ?? Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!!

And look at you - you're on the computer!!
{From CArol in Kalamazoo}
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A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. ?It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside."

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

So the man reluctantly gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?"

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
"
Where are you?"
"
Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains became too much and he could go no farther.

So he stuck his thumb out and after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop.

Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride.

Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles.

Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other.

A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap.

The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radio'd ahead to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph.

He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this, but there's a guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass."


WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
BETTER TRY
LESS SPEED PER MILE
THAT CAR MAY HAVE
TO LAST AWHILE.

BURMA SHAVE
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
A BEARD THAT ROUGH
AND OVERGROWN
WORKS BETTER THAN
A CHAPERONE

BURMA SHAVE
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The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

IT HAS A TINGLE

AND A TANG

AND STARTS THE DAY OFF

?WITH A BANG.

BURMA SHAVE

WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead."

Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
5 little turkeys standing by door, One waddled off, and then there were 4.

4 little turkeys under a tree, One waddled off , and then there were 3.

3 little turkeys with nothing to do, One waddled off, and then there were 2.

2 little turkeys in the noon day sun, One waddled off, and then there was 1.

One little turkey better run away, For soon will come Thanksgiving day.
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING, BUT I JUST COULDN'T SLEEP
I TRIED COUNTING BACKWARDS, I TRIED COUNTING SHEEP.

THE LEFTOVERS BECKONED - THE DARK MEAT AND WHITE
BUT I FOUGHT THE TEMPTATION WITH ALL OF MY MIGHT
TOSSING AND TURNING WITH ANTICIPATION
THE THOUGHT OF A SNACK BECAME INFATUATION.

SO, I RACED TO THE KITCHEN, FLUNG OPEN THE DOOR
AND GAZED AT THE FRIDGE, FULL OF GOODIES GALORE.

I GOBBLED UP TURKEY AND BUTTERED POTATOES,
PICKLES AND CARROTS, BEANS AND TOMATOES.

I FELT MYSELF SWELLING SO PLUMP AND SO ROUND,
'TIL ALL OF A SUDDEN, I ROSE OFF THE GROUND.

I CRASHED THROUGH THE CEILING, FLOATING INTO THE SKY
WITH A MOUTHFUL OF PUDDING AND A HANDFUL OF PIE.

BUT, I MANAGED TO YELL AS I SOARED PAST THE TREES....
HAPPY EATING TO ALL - PASS THE CRANBERRIES, PLEASE.

MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY, MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP.
MAY YOUR POTATOES 'N GRAVY HAVE NARY A LUMP.
MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS, MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE,
MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER STAY OFF OF YOUR THIGHS.

Happy Thanksgiving? ?????? [堳pecial thanks to Mike in Boston]
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Betty, (age 82) gets pulled over for speeding.

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?

Betty: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Betty: I can't do that. I stole this car. I killed and hacked up the owner. His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

Betty: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing, nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Betty: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

Betty pulls out her license and hands it to the officer. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Betty: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.


WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. NAIVE

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one
enjoys it?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland
called Holes?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread
to begin with?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons
and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
others here for?
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
A man approached his family physician and said, "Doc, I'm afraid you'll
have to remove my wife's tonsils one of these days."
The doctor pulled out the family's medical file and exclaimed, "Why, I
removed them six years ago! Did you ever hear of a woman having two sets
of tonsils?"
"No," the husband retorted, "but you've heard of a man having two wives,
haven't you?
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
How about the two old men, one a retired professor of psychology and the
other a retired professor of history. Their wives had talked them into a
two week stay at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting around on
the porch of the hotel watching the sun set.
The history professor said to the psychology professor, "Have you read
Marx?"
To which the professor of psychology said, "Yes, I think it's the wicker
chairs!"
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Toddler's Property Laws:
1.) If I like it, it's mine.
2.) If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3.) If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4.) If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5.) If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6.) If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7.) If it looks like mine, it's mine.
8.) If I saw it first, it's mine.
9.) If you are playing with something and you put it down, it
automatically becomes mine.
10.) If it's broken, it's yours.
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
John had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day
long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt
and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself,
trying to reassure him: "John, don't worry about it. You aren't the
first doctor to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the
last. And you're single. Let it go..."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "John,
you're a vet..."
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

ACCIDENT REPORTS

The following are reported to be taken from actual insurance claims:



  • The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out the way when I struck the front end.
  • The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.
  • Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
  • I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
  • In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
  • I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
  • I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
  • My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
  • I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.
  • I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
  • I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
  • A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
  • I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
  • The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
  • An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
  • A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
I pulled into a crowded parking lot at a Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my dog, Labrador Retriever pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying ,"Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blond young lady, gave me a strange look and said " Mister, why don't you just put it in park?"
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
PARTING SHOT...
WHERE DRIVERS ARE FROM


 



One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO

One hand on wheel, one fist out window: NEW YORK

One hand on wheel, one fist out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON

One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in CALIFORNIA

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY

One hand on 12 oz. Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS

Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: ALABAMA

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
IF YOU ARE WONDERING WHAT KIND OF WINTER WE'RE GOING TO HAVE....HERE IS THE OFFICIAL FORECAST. . . .(Many Thanks to Gene in New Mexico)

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief?
if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.?

Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets.?

When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.?

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was?indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect?firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he?got an idea.?

He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,?

"Is the coming winter going to be cold?"?

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold" the meteorologist at?the weather service responded.?

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more?firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called t he National?Weather Service again.?

"Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"?

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to?be a very cold winter."?

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every?scrap of firewood they could find.?

Two weeks later the?Chief called the?National Weather Service again.?

"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"?

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to?be one of the coldest winters ever."?

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.?

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
THIS ENDETH TODAYS "HUMP DAY" COLLECTION OF GGG - DID YOU GET A FEW LAUGHS?? IF YOU DID, PASS THEM ON.? ?SEE YOU NEXT TIME!!

THE FRITZBEAR - IN CHICAGO!!!

**** Reader's Submissions ****

Tue Nov 7, 9:06 PM

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. - A 54-year-old Orange Park man credits two

small Bibles in his shirt pocket for saving his life when they

stopped a bullet.

The man, whose name was withheld because his attackers are still

at large, told police that two men who he didn't recognize ambushed

him with a rifle as he carried bags of garbage to a trash bin. The

two men fled in opposite directions and have not been arrested.

Other than a red mark and a pain in his chest, he was not injured,

The Florida Times-Union reported Tuesday.

The man said he was carrying two New Testament Bibles in his shirt

pocket to give to friends. Police took the Bibles as evidence.


That secret ingredient

Some  years ago when I was a pastor, I walked into my church office after a Sunday  morning service to find a sandwich bag on my desk containing three chocolate  brownies.  Some thoughtful and anonymous saint who knew my love for  chocolate had placed them there, along with a piece of paper that had a short  story written on it.  I immediately  sat down and began eating the first  brownie as I read the following story:

wo teenagers asked their  father if they could go the theater to watch a movie that all their friends  had seen.  After reading some reviews about the movie on the Internet,  he denied their request. "Aw dad, why not?" they complained.  "It's  rated PG-13, and we're both older than thirteen!"

Dad replied:  "Because that movie contains nudity and portrays

immorality, which is  something that God hates, as being normal and

acceptable  behavior."

"But dad, those are just very small parts of the movie! That's  what our friends who've seen it have told us.  The movie is two hours  long and those scenes are just a few minutes of the total film!  It's  based on a true story, and good triumphs over evil, and there are other  redeeming themes like courage and self-sacrifice.  Even the Christian  movie review websites say that!"

"My answer is 'no,' and that is my  final answer. You are welcome to

stay home tonight, invite some of  your  friends over, and watch one of the good videos we have in our home  collection.  But you will not go and watch that film.  End of  discussion."

The two teenagers walked dejectedly into the family room and  slumped down on the couch.  As they sulked, they were surprised to hear  the sounds of their father preparing something in the kitchen. They  soon recognized the wonderful aroma of brownies baking in the oven, and  one of the teenagers said to the other, "Dad must be feeling guilty,  and now he's going to try to make it up to us with some fresh  brownies.

Maybe we can soften him with lots of praise when he brings them out  to us and persuade him to let us go to that movie after all."

About  that time I began eating the second brownie from the sandwich bag and  wondered if there was some connection to the brownies I was eating and the  brownies in the story.  I kept reading...

The teens were not disappointed.  Soon their father appeared with a plate of warm brownies;  which he offered to his kids.  They each took one. Then their father  said, "Before you eat, I want to tell you

something: I love you both so  much."

The teenagers smiled at each other with knowing glances.  Dad  was

softening.

"That is why I've made these brownies with the very  best ingredients. I've made them from scratch. Most of the ingredients are  even organic. The best organic flour.  The best free-range eggs. The  best organic sugar. Premium vanilla and chocolate."

The brownies  looked mouth -watering, and the teens began to become a little impatient with  their dad's long speech.

"But I want to be perfectly honest with you.  There is one ingredient I added that is not usually found in brownies.   I got that ingredient from our own back yard.  But you needn't worry,  because I only added the tiniest bit of that ingredient to your brownies. The  amount of the portion is practically insignificant.  So go ahead, take a  bite and let me know what you think."

"Dad, would you mind telling us  what that mystery ingredient is before we eat?"

"Why?  The  portion I added was so small.  Just a teaspoonful. You won't even taste  it."

"Come on, dad, just tell us what that ingredient is"

"Don't  worry!  It is organic, just like the other  ingredients."

"Dad!"

"Well, OK, if you insist.  That secret  ingredient is organic...dog

poop."

I immediately stopped chewing that  second brownie and I spit it out into the waste basket by my desk I continued  reading, now fearful of the paragraphs that still remained.

Both teens  instantly dropped their brownies back on the plate and began inspecting their  fingers with horror. "DAD!  Why did you do that?

You've tortured us by  making us smell those brownies cooking for the last half hour, and now you  tell us that you added dog poop!  We can't eat these  brownies!"

"Why not?  The amount of dog poop is very small compared  to the rest of the ingredients.  It won't hurt you.  It's been  cooked right along with the other ingredients.  You won't even taste  it.  It has the same consistency as the brownies.  Go ahead and  eat!"

"No, Dad...NEVER!"

"And that is the same reason I won't  allow you to go watch that movie. You won't tolerate a little dog poop in  your brownies, so why should you tolerate a little immorality in your  movies?  We pray that God will not lead us unto temptation, so how can  we in good conscience entertain ourselves with something that will imprint a  sinful image in our minds that will lead into temptation long after we first  see it?

I discarded what remained of the second brownie as well as the  entire untouched third brownie.  What had been irresistible a minute ago  had become detestable.  And only because of the very slim chance that  what I was eating was slightly polluted.

(Surely it  wasn't...but I  couldn't convince myself.)

What a good lesson about purity!  Why do  we tolerate any sin? On the day of the Passover, the Israelites were  commanded to remove every bit of leaven from  their homes.  Sin is  like leaven - a little bit leavens the whole lump (1 Cor.  5:6). Jesus,  "our Passover" (1 Cor.  5:7), and sin, don't mix. "Do not ask the Lord  to guide your footsteps if you are not willing to move your feet."

Anonymous
**** ON THIS DAY ****

**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
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Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!

 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****

Gordon fits the soul of a champion
The eyes of a champion
Johnson has it under control
With Nextel Cup title in sight, no need for panic.
Montoya may bloom early
Ganassi ponders entering former F1 star in Nextel Cup finale.
Kenseth pessimistic
Notes: Roush driver rues Phoenix run; Hamlin lauds Johnson.

Subscribe Today: Home Delivery of USA TODAY - Save 35%

**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****

-15-

Lowell Blanchard, Promoter, born Palmer, IL 1910.

William Fries, a.k.a. "C. W. McCall," born Audubon, IA 1928.

Patsy Montana was hired by WQAM radio, in Miami, FL 1950.

Hank Snow released "A Fool Such As I" 1952.

Elvis' first movie, "Love Me Tender" premiered in New York City in 1956. Elvis made a total of thirty-three movies.

Bobby Helms recorded "Fraulein," 1956, and it remained on the charts for fifty-two weeks.

Jack Ingram born Houston, TX 1970.

Albert E. Brumley, age 72, gospel songwriter, died 1977.

Alabama's "Alabama Christmas" album certified gold in 1985.

Randy Travis' "Diggin' Up Bones" was #1 on the Country charts 1986.

Capitol Nashville released John Berry's album "Things Are Not the Same" 1994.

Wynonna made her acting debut on TV's "Touched By An Angel," 1998.



 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

John Schneider to Sing at Dukes Music Fest  

The Dukes Music Festival was held Saturday and Sunday in  
Savannah, Ga., with Dukes of Hazzard star John Schneider  
(Bo Duke) singing on Sunday. Fellow cast members Ben Jones  
(Cooter) and Sonny Shroyer (Enos) will also attend. The  
music lineup includes Sammy Kershaw, the Kentucky  
Headhunters, Confederate Railroad and Van Zant. All cars  
resembling the General Lee will be admitted at no cost.  
The event is separate from the annual DukesFest event  
held in the summer.   

 Believe" Wins Two Inspirational Country Awards  

The Brooks & Dunn song "Believe" won song of the year and  
video of the year honors Thursday night at the  
Inspirational Country Music Awards in Nashville. Carrie  
Underwood was named mainstream country artist of the year.  
 Other winners included Mike Hammock (entertainer of the  
year), Tommy Brandt (male vocalist), Melanie Walker  
(female vocalist), Branded (vocal duo), the Fox Brothers  
(vocal group), the Jeff Treece Band (trio), Mike Manuel  
(songwriter), Corey Brooks (new artist), Dennis Agajanian  
(musician) and Mark Lowry (comedy act). Performers  
included Charlie Daniels, Lonestar, Alabama's Randy Owen,  
Jimmy Wayne and Blue County and Trent Tomlinson. Present-  
ers included Julie Roberts and CMT hosts Lance Smith and  
Katie Cook.  

ACM Awards In Vegas Again

November 13, 2006--What happens in Vegas apparently does stay in Vegas. Today the Academy of Country Music announced that the "42nd Annual Academy of Country Music Awards" will once again be broadcast live from the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas on Tuesday, May 15 at 8 p.m. ET on CBS.

This is the fifth year the ACM Awards will take place in Las Vegas and the second year the show will be based at MGM Grand.

"Las Vegas is an ideal place for the Academy to showcase country music’s best," said Bob Romeo, Executive Director of the Academy of Country Music. "In addition to the Awards, we have multiple nights of country music scheduled on Fremont Street, a star-studded Motorcycle Ride and our world famous post-awards concert, the All-Star Jam."

For more information on the ACM Awards and the Academy of Country Music, visit acmcountry.com. For event ticket information, room packages and availability at the MGM Grand, call (800) 929-1111 or (702) 891-7777 or visit mgmgrand.com.





**** Amy's Kitchen ****  

Meringue-Topped Southern Banana Pudding


A Southern Sunday favorite
Prep Time: 20 min
Total Time: 45 min
Makes: 12 servings, 2/3 cup each

4-1/2 cups milk
2 pkg. (4-serving size each) JELL-O Vanilla Flavor Cook & Serve Pudding &
Pie Filling
3 eggs, separated
42 NILLA Wafers (1/2 of 12-oz. Pkg.)
2 large ripe bananas, sliced
Dash cream of tartar
1/3 cup sugar

PREHEAT oven to 350°F. Add milk to dry pudding mix in medium saucepan; stir
until well blended. Lightly beat egg yolksmixture; mix well. Bring to full rolling boil on medium heat, stirring
constantly. Remove from heat.
ARRANGE layer of wafers on bottom and up side of 2-qt. Baking dish. Top with
layers of one third of the pudding and one half of the banana slices. Repeat
layers; cover with the remaining pudding.
BEAT egg whites and cream of tartar in medium bowl with electric mixer on
high speed until foamy. Gradually add sugar, beating until stiff peaks form.
Spread over pudding, sealing to edge of dish.
BAKE 15 min. Or until meringue is browned. Cool. Serve warm or refrigerate until ready to serve. Store leftover pudding in refrigerator


Apple City Barbecue

PORK RIBS AS NEEDED
----DRY RUB----
10 tablespoon black pepper
10 tablespoon paprika
5 tablespoon chili powder
5 tablespoon red pepper
5 tablespoon garlic powder
3 tablespoon celery salt
1 tablespoon dry mustard
----FINISH SAUCE----
32 oz hunt's ketchup
8 oz soy sauce
4 oz worcestershire sauce
1 tablespoon garlic powder
8 oz apple cider vinegar
4 oz apple juice
1 tablespoon white pepper or to taste
Mix dry rub ingredients. Rub into pork ribs. Put rubbed ribs into the
refrigerator for 4 to 10 hours before cooking. Bring sauce ingredients
to a boil. Then add in finely grated onion, 1 grated medium Golden
Delicious apple and 1/4 grated small bell pepper. Cook until desired
thickness. Cook prepared ribs for about 5 1/2 to 7 hours over charcoal
kept at 180 to 200 degrees. Baste occasionally with warm apple juice.
Use soaked applewood chips in the fire to create a sweet flavor. About
30 minutes before serving, brush ribs with finish sauce. Right before
serving, sprinkle on dry rub. Serve sauce on the side. TIP: Don't rush
the cooking process


**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

What is the most common birthday?

Several links we came across cite the study finding October 5 as the date the most people (in the U.S., anyway) are born. The 2001 report claims approximately 968,000 living Americans entered the world on that date.

So why October 5? Just a random date? Perhaps, to be born on this date, a baby would most likely have been conceived on New Year's Eve.

The study also found May 22 to be the least common birthday. As yet, no guesses as to what it is that happens in late August (nine months prior to that date) that routinely turns so many people off. Perhaps it's just too darn hot?



****A PARTING THOUGHT ****

Being diplomatic is telling your boss he has an open mind instead of pointing out that he has a hole in his head.



LAST CALL Y'ALL


HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
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