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From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A. ![]() Welcome to The Funnies "Friends
are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything. Welcome New
Subscribers THURSDAY NOVEMBER
16,2006 The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to
me in the driveway just
jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and starting jumping up and down along with her. She said, "I have some really great news!" I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy." She stopped jumping, and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!" Then she said, "There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going tohave TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so so after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Army Cadet"
A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his
cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess
when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."
The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I
promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another
line!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A tourist in Canada celebrated the 4th of July by getting stone drunk. He became obnoxious and disorderly, and was hauled into court for disturbing the peace. "How do you plead?" the Judge asked. "Not guilty!" replied the accused. "How can you plead 'not guilty. You're drunker than a skunk." the judge said. '"Well, you see, it's like this , your honor. I was only following orders. When I got into town, there was this big sign that said, 'DRINK CANADA DRY'. And that's what I did." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "PTA Speakers"
As a traffic safety consultant, I often gave talks to organizations on accident prevention. One night after I spoke to a PTA group, the program chairperson thanked me profusely and gave me a check for fifty dollars. "Giving these presentations is part of my job," I said. "Could I donate the
money to one of your causes?"
"That would be wonderful," she gushed. "We have just the program that could
use it. We're trying to raise money so we can afford better
speakers." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "A Carrot, An Egg, And A Cup Of Coffee"
You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again. A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things
were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted
to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem
was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and
placed each on a high fire Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed
carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee
beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots
out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a
bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her
daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see."
"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did
and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg
and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled
egg.
Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter
smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What does it
mean, mother?"
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same
adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong,
hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it
softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had
protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its
inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they
were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your
door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?"
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain
and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat?
Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or
some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same,
but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened
heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the
very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the
fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst,
you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest
and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do
you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee
bean? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The rich, old, dying man called his lawyer to his bedside for the purpose of disposing of his worldly goods. "How many children have you?" the lawyer asked. "That, sir," said the old-timer, "will be decided by the courts when my will is contested." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row, With the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill. At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the Agent, and shakes his head "no." The agent then says, "Mr. President, it Was a unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to The bat boy." Bill hesitates... The fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "OK, If that's What the fans want." "C'mere Hilly Baby..." With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her Pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming,"Bill you "!^$#@&!". The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up down, cheering, Hooting and hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving To the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I Would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!" Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong. The Agent replies, "Sir, I said they wanted you to throw out The first PITCH! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "President Bush has proposed sweeping immigration changes, which is pretty amazing when you consider before he became president, Bush thought immigration was the sincerest form of flattery." --Jay Leno ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The Chicago Transit Authority has announced that there will be new cars on the L-Train ensuring riders of a quieter ride. This will mean that the only people in the city that won't be able to hear the L will be the people inside riding it." --Conan O'Brien ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I don't want to say that George Bush is a lame duck, but this morning, Cheney shot him." --Bill Maher ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My husband and I often spell words so that our small children won't understand what we're saying. I didn't realize what a habit this had become until one day when my husband and I were in the grocery store at the soup aisle. An aggressive young woman banged into our cart, then nudged me over, blocking my access to the soup. Annoyed, I looked at my husband and said, "Boy is she r-u-d-e!" "Yeah," he replied, "but I'll bet she can s-p-e-l-l." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy two servings per night, and a few more on weekends, I consume about 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week. Therefore, in the last 3-1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds. So... without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago! I owe my life to chocolate!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One little girl in my wife's second grade class appeared to be on the verge of tears. Sharon took her aside and asked what was wrong. "My mommy is allergic to my new kitten," the girl said. "Oh, that's too bad," sympathized Sharon. "Will you have to give her away?" "No," the child sobbed. "Daddy says the kitten has to go." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After much cajoling, my friend was finally persuaded to try "power walking" with her teenage daughter, Karen. But she found herself falling farther and farther behind as they progressed through town. Finally, in desperation, she complained to Karen, "When you were little, I never left you behind!" **** Quickies **** "My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk
after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners! --Sarah
Silverman An ideal wife is any woman who has an ideal husband. The reason why novelists more and more try to keep a distance from journalists is that novelists are trying to write the truth and journalists are trying to write fiction. &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&Shirley's ressypees e-zine We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular recipe, send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca SUBSCRIBE RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& You can join The Funnies IT'S FREE To subscribe, Click on link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& **** HEALTH NEWS
**** **** Reader's Submissions **** .We truly take a lot for granted. Forget the football "heroes" and movie "stars" Pass this on so that
all may know the price of freedom. Norm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -16- Earl A. Bolick, "Blue Sky Boys," born Hickory, NC 1919. Felton Jarvis, record producer, born 1934. Troy Seals born Big Hill, KY 1938. Wesley Rose married Margaret Erdelyan 1940. The "WSB Barn Dance," debuted in Atlanta, GA 1940. Larry Cordle born Cordell, KY 1949. Mark Orr, "Kentucky Headhunters," born Charlotte, MI 1949. Carl Smith's "Let Old Mother Nature Have Her Way," charted 1951. Faron Young discharged from the U.S. Army 1954. Wynn Stewart released "Uncle Tom Got Caught,"1959. Patsy Cline recorded "I Fall To Pieces," 1960. William James "Will" Goleman, "Cactus Brothers," born Shreveport, LA 1963. The Osborne Brothers recorded Rocky Top 1967. Glen Campbell's #1 country hit "Wichita Lineman" charted 1968. Frank Luther, age 91, recording artist, died 1980. Bob Wills and The Texas Playboys, played their last show together in the Will Rogers Auditorium in Ft. Worth, Texas 1986. Capitol Records released Buck Owens' album "Hot Dog" 1988. Joe Medford, banjo player, died 1993. Dwight Yoakam's "Just Lookin' For A Hit," went platinum 1994. Lorrie Morgan married John Randall 1997. John Daniel "J. D." Sumner, age 73, died of a heart attack in 1998. Warner Bros. released Bela Fleck & the Flecktones "Greatest Hits of the Century" 1999. Live music was presented for the first time at the new Country Music Hall of Fame, in 2000. Mark McGuinn, Bill Davidson, and Brian Pruett played two songs for a group of travel writers. Speedy West died 2003. David Frizzell released his album "Confidentially" 2004. Aaron Tippin visits troops in Afghanistan
Jerry Jeff Walker sues Palo
Duro Records The label has defended its actions in releasing "Viva! Terlingua! Nuevo! (Songs of Luckenbach Texas)" Oct. 24. Over two nights in January, Palo Duro Records, in collaboration with Luckenbach Texas, staged a celebration of the musical history of Luckenbach and recorded live performances by 36 well-known Texas musicians of 14 songs from various songwriters from the 1970s.
Blueberry Maple Breakfast
Bake" Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
Remove crusts from bread; cut into one inch
cubes.
Cut cream cheese in small cubes (makes about 1
cup).
Grease a 9x9x2 inch baking dish.
Place half of the bread cubes in the dish.
Scatter cream cheese cubes and 1 cup of
blueberries over the bread.
Top with remaining bread cubes and blueberries.
In a bowl, combine eggs, milk, maple syrup and
butter.
Carefully pour over bread mixture.
Bake until a knife inserted in the center comes
out clean,
about 1 hour, covering with aluminum foil if eges
brown
too much.
To serve, cut into squares.
Accompany with additional maple syrup, if
desired.
Can be prepared the night before, and just baked
before
serving.
Why do women
love to shop? Most of us want other people's children to behave the way ours should. LAST CALL
Y'ALL Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed
from various areas
on the web
and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold
copyright on any of these materials please inform me so I may give the proper credit, or remove it which ever you prefer. ~ GOD BLESS AMERICA ~ To subscribe, Click on a link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com ~ To unsubscribe from this opt-in mailing list click on link at the end of this mailing ~ Regarding any problems In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or comments at: JIM4615@JOINK.COM or Jim Dowers P.O. Box 521 Carlisle, IN 47838-0521 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Miss getting The Funnies,or is your ISP blocking mail again? No problem To Read the Funnies on line. Just click on this link Archives Index: http://archives.zinester.com/25438 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Unsubscribe link is at the END of this list God Bless America , Our Land , Forever May She Stand &&&&&&&&&& THIS DOCUMENT IS VIRUS FREE Scanned by Avast virus protection ~ Unsubscription Email: 25438-unsubscribe@zinester.com Unsubscription URL: http://www.zinester.com/mpb/unsub.cgi?25438 |
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