The Funnies Archives Index | Subscribe | RSS
<< November15, 2006 - The Daily Funnies November17, 2006 - The Daily Funnies >>

Subject: The Daily Funnies - November16, 2006



 

From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.

Welcome to T
he Funnies
"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
These  are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for  younger readers - PG
An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything.


Welcome New Subscribers
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us.
Heaven Help Them

Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser


THURSDAY NOVEMBER 16,2006


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: If you loan a person 20 dollars
and never see him again, it was probably worth it.


 
The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just
jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck,
and starting jumping up and down along with her.
She said, "I have some really great news!" I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."
She stopped jumping, and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that
she was pregnant! I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her,
"That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"
Then she said, "There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said,
"Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going tohave TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so so after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said,  "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a
home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Army Cadet"
 
A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."
 
The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A tourist in Canada celebrated the 4th of July
by getting stone drunk.  He became obnoxious and
disorderly, and was hauled into court for disturbing the peace.
"How do you plead?" the  Judge asked.
"Not guilty!" replied the accused.
"How can you plead 'not guilty.  You're drunker than
a skunk." the judge  said.
'"Well, you see, it's like this , your honor. I was
only following orders.  When I got into town, there
was this big sign that said, 'DRINK CANADA DRY'. 
And that's what I did."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"PTA Speakers"
 
As a traffic safety consultant, I often gave talks to organizations on accident prevention. One night after I spoke to a PTA group, the program chairperson thanked me profusely and gave me a check for fifty dollars.
 
"Giving these presentations is part of my job," I said. "Could I donate the money to one of your causes?"
 
"That would be wonderful," she gushed. "We have just the program that could use it. We're trying to raise money so we can afford better speakers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"A Carrot, An Egg, And A Cup Of Coffee"
 
You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.
 
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
 
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.
 
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see."
 
"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.
 
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.
 
Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"
 
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
 
"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?"
 
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
 
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
 
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The rich, old, dying man called his lawyer to his bedside for the purpose of disposing of his worldly goods.
"How many children have you?" the lawyer asked.
"That, sir," said the old-timer, "will be decided by the courts when my will is contested."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row,
With the Secret Service people directly behind them.
One of the Secret  Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill.
At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the
Agent, and shakes his head  "no." The agent then says, "Mr. President, it
Was a unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to The bat boy."
Bill hesitates...but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him
The fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "OK, If that's What the fans want."
"C'mere Hilly Baby..."
With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her
Pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.
She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming,"Bill you "!^$#@&!".
The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up down, cheering,
Hooting and hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving
To the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says,  "How about that! I
Would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"
 Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong. The
Agent  replies, "Sir, I said they wanted you to throw out The first PITCH!  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"President Bush has proposed sweeping immigration changes,  
which is pretty amazing when you consider before he became  
president, Bush thought immigration was the sincerest form  
of flattery." --Jay Leno  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The Chicago Transit Authority has announced that there will  
be new cars on the L-Train ensuring riders of a quieter ride.  
This will mean that the only people in the city that won't  
be able to hear the L will be the people inside riding it."  
 --Conan O'Brien  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I don't want to say that George Bush is a lame duck, but  
this morning, Cheney shot him." --Bill Maher 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband and I often spell words so that our small children  
won't understand what we're saying. I didn't realize what a  
habit this had become until one day when my husband and I  
were in the grocery store at the soup aisle. An aggressive  
young woman banged into our cart, then nudged me over,  
blocking my access to the soup.  

Annoyed, I looked at my husband and said, "Boy is she r-u-d-e!"  

"Yeah," he replied, "but I'll bet she can s-p-e-l-l." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy  
two servings per night, and a few more on weekends, I consume  
about 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one  
pound of weight per week.  

Therefore, in the last 3-1/2 years, I have had chocolate  
caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165  
pounds. So... without chocolate, I would have wasted away to  
nothing about 3 months ago! I owe my life to chocolate!!  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One little girl in my wife's second grade class appeared to be on the verge of tears. Sharon took her aside and asked what was wrong. "My mommy is allergic to my new kitten," the girl said.

"Oh, that's too bad," sympathized Sharon. "Will you have to give her away?"

"No," the child sobbed. "Daddy says the kitten has to go."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After much cajoling, my friend was finally persuaded to try "power walking" with her teenage daughter, Karen. But she found herself falling farther and farther behind as they progressed through town. Finally, in desperation, she complained to Karen, "When you were little, I never left you behind!"

**** Quickies
 ****

"My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners! --Sarah Silverman 
 

An ideal wife is any woman who has an ideal husband.

The reason why novelists more and more try to keep a distance from journalists is that novelists are trying to write the truth and journalists are trying to write fiction.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Shirley's ressypees e-zine
We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular
recipe,
send your request to:
mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca


SUBSCRIBE RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&



&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& 
You can join The Funnies
IT'S  FREE
To subscribe, Click on link below
25438-subscribe@zinester.com
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

**** HEALTH NEWS ****

   Middle age no picnic for women  

WASHINGTON, -- Surveys by Washington researchers indicate  
there are good reasons middle-aged women in the United  
States are not as happy as the rest of the population.  
Independent pollsters Pursuant Inc. found that from the  
mid-30s to the mid-50s, U.S. women are stressed out trying  
to meet the needs of aging parents and other family members,  
USA Today reported. Worrying about an elderly relative's  
health and not having enough time for others is likely to  
result in depression, the study said. Of more than 1,100  
women who have at least one living parent, only approxi-  
mately 20 percent indicated they were happy compared to 34  
percent for the U.S. population overall. The poll of women  
aged 35 to 54 was commissioned by the New York Academy of  
Medicine and the National Association of Social Workers.  
Its bleak conclusions are no surprise to social worker Deb  
Rubenstein who counsels "sandwich generation" women in  
Washington. Typically when emergencies with aging parents  
hit, "these women already have their plates 110 percent  
full," Rubenstein told USA Today.   
   
Heart attacks treated too slowly  

BETHESDA, Md., -- Only one in three U.S. hospitals provides  
emergency care to heart attack patients quickly enough to  
meet guidelines for saving lives, a study said Monday. The  
study, sponsored by the National Heart, Lung and Blood  
Institute, found even top-performing hospitals do not meet  
American Heart Association and American College of Cardi-  
ology guidelines for care in half of their cases. They  
often do not perform balloon angioplasty within 90 minutes  
of a severe heart attack, USA Today said. Angioplasty is a  
way of reopening clogged arteries by inflating a tiny bal-  
loon at the site of a blockage in a severe heart attack.  
Performing the procedure within 90 minutes can cut a  
patient's risk of dying by 40 percent, studies have shown.  
If every hospital met the guidelines, doctors could save  
about 1,000 lives each year, Yale cardiologist Harlan  
Krumholz says. Eighty percent of people in the United  
States live within an hour's drive of a hospital that  
provides balloon angioplasty.   

Contact lenses check blood sugar  

BALTIMORE, -- A scientist in Baltimore has developed a con-  
tact lens that can provide diabetics with a non-invasive  
way to monitor blood sugar. Instead of using blood, Dr.  
Chris Geddes of the University of Maryland Biotechnology  
Institute has produced contact lenses that change color in  
response to the glucose level in the wearer's tears, KENS-  
TV in San Antonio reports. Tears have a tiny concentration  
of glucose, about 1-10th of that of blood and there's a lag  
time of about 15 minutes before the eye registers the level.  
"We've developed very special molecules that sense glucose  
at very low levels," said Geddes. "We've incorporated these  
inside commercially available contact lenses. The test is  
completely non-invasive and it's continuous." A person wear-  
ing the glucose-sensitive lenses would see a small trans-  
lucent dot on the left side of the visual field. That dot  
would change color, warning the patient of dangerously low  
or high blood sugar levels. Before the lenses can be com-  
mercially available, further testing is needed. The  
Baltimore scientists are also working on contact lenses  
that sense cholesterol levels.
  

**** Reader's Submissions ****



.We truly take a lot for granted.

Forget the football "heroes" and movie "stars"

Pass this on so that all may know the price of freedom.

Norm


**** ON THIS DAY ****


**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!

 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****



Montoya to make debut
Chip Ganassi driver will ride in No. 30 car in Nextel Cup finale.
Extra Mile with Kyle
Busch: Team ready to contend in Miami as season nears finish.
Fantasy Insider
Albert: As season winds down, drama cranks up in Miami.

Subscribe Today: Home Delivery of USA TODAY - Save 35%

**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****

-16-

Earl A. Bolick, "Blue Sky Boys," born Hickory, NC 1919.

Felton Jarvis, record producer, born 1934.

Troy Seals born Big Hill, KY 1938.

Wesley Rose married Margaret Erdelyan 1940.

The "WSB Barn Dance," debuted in Atlanta, GA 1940.

Larry Cordle born Cordell, KY 1949.

Mark Orr, "Kentucky Headhunters," born Charlotte, MI 1949.

Carl Smith's "Let Old Mother Nature Have Her Way," charted 1951.

Faron Young discharged from the U.S. Army 1954.

Wynn Stewart released "Uncle Tom Got Caught,"1959.

Patsy Cline recorded "I Fall To Pieces," 1960.

William James "Will" Goleman, "Cactus Brothers," born Shreveport, LA 1963.

The Osborne Brothers recorded Rocky Top 1967.

Glen Campbell's #1 country hit "Wichita Lineman" charted 1968.

Frank Luther, age 91, recording artist, died 1980.

Bob Wills and The Texas Playboys, played their last show together in the Will Rogers Auditorium in Ft. Worth, Texas 1986.

Capitol Records released Buck Owens' album "Hot Dog" 1988.

Joe Medford, banjo player, died 1993.

Dwight Yoakam's "Just Lookin' For A Hit," went platinum 1994.

Lorrie Morgan married John Randall 1997.

John Daniel "J. D." Sumner, age 73, died of a heart attack in 1998.

Warner Bros. released Bela Fleck & the Flecktones "Greatest Hits of the Century" 1999.

Live music was presented for the first time at the new Country Music Hall of Fame, in 2000. Mark McGuinn, Bill Davidson, and Brian Pruett played two songs for a group of travel writers.

Speedy West died 2003.

David Frizzell released his album "Confidentially" 2004.



 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

 Aaron Tippin visits troops in Afghanistan

Aaron Tippin will spend this Thanksgiving holiday with U.S. soldiers overseas Nov. 18-27 in Afghanistan by entertaining the troops there.

"Those are the real working men and women, and if I can repay even an ounce of what they are doing for me, my family, and my country by taking their mind off of the day-to-day risks…well, I can't think of a better thing to do with my time," Tippin said earlier today. "They have been fighting for the rights we take for granted every day, and I want to make sure they know we're thankful."

Jerry Jeff Walker sues Palo Duro Records 

Jerry Jeff Walker sued Palo Duro Records earlier this month for including five songs he penned in a live album.

The label has defended its actions in releasing "Viva! Terlingua! Nuevo! (Songs of Luckenbach Texas)" Oct. 24.

Over two nights in January, Palo Duro Records, in collaboration with Luckenbach Texas, staged a celebration of the musical history of Luckenbach and recorded live performances by 36 well-known Texas musicians of 14 songs from various songwriters from the 1970s.




**** Amy's Kitchen ****  


Barbequed Ribs~ Missouri-style

2 tablespoon salt
1/4 cup sugar
2 tablespoon cumin, ground
2 tablespoon pepper, black, fresh ground
2 tablespoon chili powder
4 tablespoon paprika
2 each racks of 3/down pork ribs**
----BASTING SAUCE----
1 3/4 cup vinegar, white
2 tablespoon hot pepper sauce
2 tablespoon sugar
1 tablespoon salt
1 tablespoon pepper, black, fresh ground
The term "3/down" refers to the weight of the ribs. In this case, it is
three pounds or less for each slab of 10 to 12 ribs. Combine salt,
sugar, cumin, pepper, chili powder and paprika to make barbeque rub. Rub
ribs thoroughly with this mixture. Place ribs on baking sheets and cook
in 180 degree oven for 3 hours. Do not turn; slow cooking infuses
spices. Remove from oven. (ribs may now be covered and refrigerated up
to 2 days before grilling) Use very low charcoal fire with rack set as
high as possible. Grill ribs 5 minutes to 30 minutes per side, depending
on heat and temperature of ribs. Ribs should have light outer crust and
be heated throughout. If you prefer juicy ribs, coat with basting sauce
just before removing from grill. Otherwise serve dry with sauce on side.
Remove ribs from grill, cut in between bones and serve. Note: Recipe is
easily halved or doubled. Keep 2:1 proportion of sauce to rub

Blueberry Maple Breakfast Bake"
 
1 loaf of white bread
4 oz reduced-fat cream cheese
2 cups fresh or frozen blueberries, divided
8 eggs, beaten
1 1/2 cups milk
1/4 cup maple syrup
1/4 cup melted butter

 
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
Remove crusts from bread; cut into one inch cubes.
Cut cream cheese in small cubes (makes about 1 cup).
Grease a 9x9x2 inch baking dish.
Place half of the bread cubes in the dish.
Scatter cream cheese cubes and 1 cup of blueberries over the bread.
Top with remaining bread cubes and blueberries.
In a bowl, combine eggs, milk, maple syrup and butter.
Carefully pour over bread mixture.
Bake until a knife inserted in the center comes out clean,
about 1 hour, covering with aluminum foil if eges brown
too much.
To serve, cut into squares.
Accompany with additional maple syrup, if desired.
Can be prepared the night before, and just baked before
serving.


**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

Why do women love to shop?

This is a theory based on a large percentage of women, but its by no means universal. Many women love shopping for items such as clothes, shoes and make up because, (helped on by images in celebrity magazines and the like) they can cling to the hope that these adornments will magically enhance their status and attractiveness -- if we can locate that perfect pair of shoes or lipgloss or whatever then somehow our lives will magically transform -- men will fall at our feet, our boss will respect us more, our enemies will be green with envy. The media has long perpetuated the belief that a woman's success is intimately tied up with the way she looks, and increasingly- how much she spends on the way she looks- hence we march down our high street in full Gucci armour waving our credit cards like weapons, certain that the next pair of designer shoes we by will transform us into a Goddess (which sometimes, temporarily, I think they do..). By contrast, most of us hate shopping for things like food and electrical goods which do little to enhance the way we appear to the outside world. In a nutshell, it's vanity, sweetie...



****A PARTING THOUGHT ****

Most of us want other people's children to behave the way ours should.

LAST CALL Y'ALL


HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
PLEASE
Don't take anything you see in the Funnies personally. 
The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more.
Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target here.
EVERYONE IS FAIR GAME
  

The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service.
We do not sell, lease, loan, or give our subscribers'
addresses to anyone for any reason.

Our features are intended to be for entertainment only.

Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed from various areas on the web
and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold
copyright o
n any of these materials
please inform me so I may give the
proper credit, or remove it which ever you prefer.

~
GOD BLESS
AMERICA
   ~ 
To subscribe, Click on a link below
25438-subscribe@zinester.com
~
To unsubscribe from this opt-in mailing list
click on link at the end of this mailing

~
Regarding any problems In accordance with the 2004
Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or
comments at:
JIM4615@JOINK.COM
or
Jim Dowers
P.O. Box 521
Carlisle, IN 47838-0521

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Miss getting The Funnies,or is your ISP
blocking mail again?
No problem
To Read the Funnies on line. Just click on this link
Archives Index:
http://archives.zinester.com/25438
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Unsubscribe link is at the END of this list


God Bless America , Our Land , Forever May She Stand
&&&&&&&&&&
THIS DOCUMENT IS VIRUS FREE

Scanned by Avast
virus protection
~
Unsubscription Email: 25438-unsubscribe@zinester.com
Unsubscription URL: http://www.zinester.com/mpb/unsub.cgi?25438








<< November15, 2006 - The Daily Funnies November17, 2006 - The Daily Funnies >>
The Funnies Archives Index | Subscribe | RSS
Google
 
Web http://archives.zinester.com
Archives powered by Zinester's Mailing List Service
Details on The Funnies
Browse for more newsletters at Zinester's Ezine Directory
Managed by Zinester's Mailing List Management