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Subject: The Daily Funnies - November20, 2006



 

From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.

Welcome to T
he Funnies
"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
These  are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for  younger readers - PG
An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything.


Welcome New Subscribers
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us.
Heaven Help Them

Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser


MONDAY NOVEMBER 20,2006


THOUGHT FOR TODAY:It's pretty hard to tell what does
bring happiness. Poverty and wealth have both failed.


 

"Excuse for Republicans driving sports cars that cost more  
than their fathers ever made in a year: It's cheaper than  
marrying a woman half my age." --P.J. O'Rourke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10 Characteristics of The Company Car...  

**- Accelerates at a phenomenal rate.  

** - Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.  

** - Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.  

** - The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to  
be checked.  

** - It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light  
flashing.  

** - It needs cleaning less often than private cars.  

** - The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend  
loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other building material.  

** - Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated  
by turning up the radio.  

** - It needs no security system and may be left anywhere,  
unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.  

** - It is especially sand and waterproof for barbeques and  
fishing expeditions on remote beaches.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
No doubt about it, the new temp didn't have a clue about  
computers. Since part of her job was directing calls to  
our technical support department, I gave her simple  
instructions: "When people call with computer problems,  
always ask which operating system they're using--Windows,  
Macintosh or UNIX."  

Later, she handed a technician this phone message...  
"Call immediately. Customer has problem with eunuchs." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After we had settled into our new house in the fall, my wife reminded me that one picture had yet to be hung. The polite reminders continued into the spring and summer. One evening, almost a year after the move, Rosalyn demanded the picture be hung. I walked over to where it was on the floor and, to my surprise noticed a nail in the wall--at exactly the spot where the picture was to be hung.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My niece Samantha was an elementary-school teacher and produced the Christmas play one year. She told her students that if they forgot their lines they should ad-lib instead of just standing there. All went well until the three Wise Men made their entrance: "Baby Jesus, here is your gold," said the first.

"Baby Jesus, here is your frankincense," offered the second.

The third Wise Man forgot the name of his gift and froze. "Say anything," whispered Samantha from the wings.

The boy peered into the manger and exclaimed, "Ooh, doesn't he look just like his dad!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As we passed through the dining hall at the camp our sons were attending, I could see into the kitchen. From a sign posted on the walk-in-cooler door, it appeared the cook was having difficulty knowing how long some items had been in storage. It read: "I know your mother said not to, but date everything!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A bubbly young staff member eager to take us on a tour of the store greeted my first grade class at the supermarket door. "My name is Lorraine," she announced. "It says so on my name tag here. See? It says Lorraine. L-O-R-R-A-I-N-E. That means I'm Lorraine. Would any of you like to have a name tag like this?" she asked expectantly.

"No, thank you," replied six-year-old Allison politely. "I know my name."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife is sitting in the living room watching TV, when all of a sudden she hears her husband in the bedroom, swearing up a storm. He is using every bad word in the book.

The wife runs into the bedroom to see what is going on. She finds her husband just sitting on the bed. She asks her husband, "Honey, what happened? Did you fall down and get hurt or something?"

The husband looks up and replies, "No, I'm fine. I'm just practicing."

The wife gets a real confused look on her face, and said, "Practicing? Practicing for what?"

Then the husband says, "For the first time in a long time, I'm going golfing tomorrow!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house... "Is that your grandmother?" I asked... "Yes," Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas." "How nice," I said. "Where does she live?" "At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Why did NASA let a women on a space shuttle in the first place?

... She was 50 pounds lighter then the dishwasher.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A few more years and "dollar pincher" will mean the same thing that "penny pincher" meant a generation ago.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The teacher says that my son has original ideas, but most of them are in spelling
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I was involved with a minimum-security prison ministry, the inmates often got passes to attend church activities. On one such occasion, a church member who didn't know that my companion was from the prison asked him what church he usually attended. When my friend hesitated, the church member reassured him: "Oh, that's okay. Maybe it's a matter of conviction."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The doctor told my husband, Allbert, to use his right arm as much as possible. Albert had broken five ribs and his shoulder blade, and had chipped his elbow, all on his right side, in a hang- gliding accident.

One afternoon I had just placed a sandwich, made with my fresh homemade bread, in front of Albert when my brother Lawrence dropped by. Albert picked the sandwich up with his right hand and tried to raise it to his mouth. He managed to get it halfway before he had to lower it. He took a deep breath and tried again, but with the same result. The third time he used his left hand to support his right and finally managed to raise it to his mouth.

"Would you like a sandwich too?" I asked Lawrence.

"No, thanks," he answered. "That bread looks too heavy for me."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding,
economical, a good cook, and great in bed.  But the law allows
only one wife.

Marriages are made in heaven. But, again, so are thunder,
lightning, tornados and hail.

One woman's hobby is usually another woman's hubby.

The easiest way to make your old car run better is to
check the prices of a new car.

It's what people don't know about each other that makes
them such good friends.

If you can't get a lawyer who knows the law, best get one
who knows the judge.

A man owes his success to his first wife and his second
wife to his success.

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**** Reader's Submissions ****

From Ruthie

The Bag Lady and Thanksgiving Dinner

It was very cold and a light snow was falling as young Jimmy Dorche piloted his Ford Escort down the street toward the city park. Snow on Thanksgiving was a rarity in this part of the country and it caused almost as much excitement as the traditional turkey dinner, the traditional afternoon of football, or the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on television. But none of these things were on 17-year-old Jimmy's mind at the moment as he carefully maneuvered his car over the blacktop. He had his own tradition to tend to and what he was looking for he would probably find in the deserted park.

Usually bustling with activity, even on cold days, the park was practically empty now. Everyone was home with friends and family enjoying their Thanksgiving turkey. Jimmy was tempted to have a bit more dinner himself, but his second helping sat on the car seat beside him along with a big hunk of Mom's homemade pumpkin pie and a Thermos bottle of hot coffee. Jimmy wouldn't succumb to temptation and eat more today.

For the past two years, Jimmy had established a tradition for himself. He had never suffered a hungry day in his life. The son of an unwed teenaged mother, he was given up for adoption as an infant and was taken in by a Christian family. When he was fifteen, to honor his Lord as well as his parents, he decided to take his second helping of Thanksgiving dinner to the park to share with a homeless man or woman.

His first year, he had found a man who had been on his own since he was thirteen. In the summer he worked odd jobs, but in winter he lived at the local rescue mission where he earned an occasional dollar by cleaning up the place. The second year, he shared his Thanksgiving dinner with an elderly man whose wife had died long before and his children had moved to another city. They never contacted their father nor offered to help him in any way. "I reckon they're ashamed of me," the rheumy old man had said.

Throughout the year, Jimmy often thought about the two men. He had gone to the mission to try to find them, but they were gone without a trace. Now Jimmy wondered who he would meet this Thanksgiving.

As soon as he arrived at the park, he saw a ragged woman sitting hunched over on the bench of one of the heavy concrete picnic tables provided by the city. She wore an old battered red coat and a dark wool cap over her matted, graying hair. Close beside her was the tattered bag that carried all her worldly possessions.

Jimmy pulled the car into a parking place and got out. He took the covered dishes and the Thermos bottle from the front seat and began walking toward the bag lady. When he stood in front of her, she jumped as if she had suddenly been awakened from dozing. She looked up at Jimmy. Suddenly her eyes brightened and she started to speak but, instead, she lowered her head and stared at the frozen ground.

God bless you, ma'am," Jimmy said, smiling. "I have brought you some Thanksgiving dinner. Would you do me the honor of sharing it with me."

The woman looked at the food. She was very hungry -- she hadn't eaten since last night's dinner at the mission. She nodded and Jimmy served her food, uncovered the plates, put a napkin and silverware on the cold concrete picnic table, and poured her a streaming cup of coffee from the Thermos. Then he watched her as she ate. Although it was very cold in the park, he felt warm inside. The God of love was clearly at work within him. He loved his tradition and he intended to continue it -- and more -- for the rest of his life.

When the woman had finished, he cleared the table and put the dishes into a pile. He poured another cup of coffee into her Styrofoam cup and closed the Thermos. Then he reached into his wallet and pulled out a twenty dollar bill. He thrust the money into her gnarled hand. Then he reached over and kissed her lightly on the forehead.

"May God richly bless you, ma'am," he said softly. "And thank you for giving me the honor of sharing my Thanksgiving dinner with you." With that, Jimmy picked up his dishes and returned to the car.

She had stayed in the city purposely to see him grow, but remained carefully in the background and out of sight so she would not embarrass him or cause him pain. Her own life was a shambles -- time spent in state mental hospitals and, at other times, living on the streets. But she had seen him grow into manhood and was very proud of his many accomplishments. Today, she had longed to tell him who she was, but could not bring herself to do it. Instead she thanked God that He had so richly blessed her today, in spite of her trials.

Tears welled up in her eyes. She had seen her son on Thanksgiving and he had loved his mother.

"The greatest among you will be your servant."   (Matthew 23:11 NIV)


**** ON THIS DAY ****


**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!

 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
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It is excellent
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****
Johnson wraps up Nextel Cup championship
Johnson wins Nextel Cup

Kenseth cops Busch double
Pass of Edwards seals second straight win; Harvick celebrates.
New role for Bridgestone
Tire manufacturer to supply, but not sponsor, Champ Car tour.
Baja boon for R. Gordon
Nextel Cup regular dusts field for third victory in off-road classic.

Subscribe Today: Home Delivery of USA TODAY - Save 35%

**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****

-19-

Jerry Foster born Tallapoosa, MO 1935.

Roy Acuff recorded "The Waltz of the Wind" 1947.

Hank Snow's "I'm Movin' On" topped the charts 1950.

Faron Young inducted into the U.S. Army, for a period of two years 1952.

Johnny Cash wrote "I Walk The Line" 1955.

Johnny Horton's "North To Alaska," charted 1960.

The CMA Awards were broadcast from the Ryman Auditorium, on NBC-TV for the first time in 1968. The show was co-hosted by Roy Rogers and Dale Evans.

Billy Currington born Savannah, GA 1973.

Tom T. Hall's "Country Is" topped the charts 1974.

Johnny Cash entered a drug treatment center 1989.

Bobby Russell, age 51, died 1992. Inducted NSHF 1994.

MCA released Mark Chesnutt's "Greatest Hits" album 1996.

-20-

Eck Robertson, fiddler/recording artist, born Madison County, AR 1897.

Judy Canova, actress/singer born Jacksonville, FL 1916.

Tut Taylor, multi-instrumentalist session player, born Milledgeville, GA 1923.

Curly Putman, songwriter, born Princeton, AL 1930.

Joe Walsh of the "Eagles," born Wichita, KS 1947.

George Grantham of "Poco" born Cordell, OK 1947.

RCA paid SUN Records $35, 000.00 for Elvis Presley's recording contract in 1955. Elvis signed a three-year dear with RCA Victor the same day.

Buck White wrote "Home Run Man," and Jimmy Martin recorded it 1958.

Little Jimmie Dickens returned to the charts with "The Violet and the Rose," 1961.

Francis Craig, WSM music star, died Sewanee, TN 1966.

Dierks Bentley born Phoenix, AZ 1975.

Waylon Jennings' "Are You Sure Hank Done It This Way" was #1 in 1975.

Ace Cannon released his 2-album set "Tuff Sax" "Moanin' Sax" 1995.

Chet Atkins released his "RCA Country Legends" album in 2001.

Ronnie Dunn inducted into the Oklahoma Music Hall of Fame 2003.

Charlie Cline, age 73, co-founder of the Lonesome Pine Fiddlers, died in Jasper, AL 2004.



 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

Deborah Allen is Honored at anual THE TERRY Awards in Ft. Worth Texas!


Deborah was awarded the highly esteemed "Living Legend" Award after entertaining an audience of 900 with her high energy, personable performance.
Texas has embraced Deborah due to her dedication to her songwriting career which has ehnanced the careers of many of Texas's great ladies of country music such as Janie Frickie, Tanya Tucker & LeAnn Rimes. 


Taylor Swift opens Strait tour

Friday, November 17, 2006 – New artist Taylor Swift was tapped to open the 2007 George Strait tour.

The tour kicks off at the Cajundome in Lafayette, La. on January 11 and runs through March 3 with stops throughout the U.S. Ronnie Milsap also is on the bill.

Strait has a history of lining up the newcomers for his concert tours. Miranda Lambert opened his tour last year.

"I couldn't imagine anything more thrilling than to be on a tour with George Strait," said Taylor. "Just last week I was at the CMA Awards watching him be inducted into the Hall of Fame, and this week I received word that I would be on the tour with him. This is surreal! I keep pinching myself to make sure this isn't just a dream."

Swift's debut single, "Tim McGraw," which she co-wrote, reached Top 10 on the country radio airplay chart and has sold nearly 165,000 digital downloads.

Swift's debut was released in late October. She wrote or co-wrote all 11 songs.

And baby makes three for Josh Gracin
Thursday, November 16, 2006 – Josh Gracin and wife Ann Marie announce the arrival of their third child, Gabriella Ann Gracin. She was born Wednesday, Nov. 15 at 1:29 p.m., weighing 7 pounds, 12 ounces. Gabriella joins siblings Briana and Landon.



**** Amy's Kitchen ****  

Microwave Peanut Brittle

1 cup white sugar
1/2 cup white corn syrup
1-1/2 cups roasted salted peanuts
1 teaspoon butter (I only use real butter for candy)
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 teaspoon baking soda

IN 1-1/2 quart microwave safe bowl, stir together sugar and syrup.
Microwave on HIGH 3 minutes. Stir in peanuts. Microwave on HIGH 3 to 5
minutes or until brown.

Add butter and vanilla, blend well. Microwave on HIGH 1 to 2 minutes
more. Add baking soda and gently stir until light and foamy. Pour onto
lightly greased foil lined cookie sheet. Let cool, then break into
pieces. Store in air tight container. Makes about 1 pound.



**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

What happens to a Siamese twin when the other one dies?

It depends on the condition at which Seamese twins are conjoined. If they share a vital organ or two, one is likely to die after the other. Even if they don't share a vital organ, there are many things that conflict one another and pose a threat to survival; though, death is not always unavoidable.

Many pairs, depending on the degree of conjunction, can and choose to be separated separated by surgery during lifetime.

In 2003 two women from Iran, Ladan and Laleh Bijani, who were joined at the head but had separate brains (craniopagus) were surgically separated in Singapore, despite surgeons' warnings that the operation could be fatal to one or both. Both women died during surgery on July 8, 2003.

One ethical issue with separation is when the operation will result in the death of one twin (for example, in the case where they are sharing a heart.) A notable case was that of the Attard Sisters (Gracie and Rosie), the daughters of Rina and Michaelangelo Attard of the Maltese island of Gozo. Despite the opposition of the Attards, the High Court of Justice of England and Wales ruled that their twins should be separated, even though this would, and did in 2001, cause the death of Rosie, the weaker twin.

Most recently, an attempt was made to separate the German conjoined twins Leah and Tabea (their last name remains unpublished). Tabea died September 16, 2004 just minutes after having been separated from her twin sister




****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
Adam was the perfect figure of a man, and Eve was indescribably beautiful. So, where do all the ugly people come from?


LAST CALL Y'ALL


HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
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Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
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