"Sometimes people ask me: 'Dave, what is the essence of  
parenthood?' I always answer: 'Lowering your standards.'"  
 --Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Whenever I go to a bar, I always go right up to the most  
beautiful woman in the room and say, 'You've got something  
hanging out of your nose.' Hey, since I've got no shot at  
her, I might as well humble her a little for the next guy."  
 --Michael Hayward
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"My father would say things that made no sense at all, like,  
'If I were the last person on earth, some moron would turn  
left in front of me.'" -Louie Anderson 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The local high school has a policy that the parents must call  
the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Alice  
deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends.  
So she waited until her parents had left for work and called  
the school herself.  

"Hi, I'm calling to report that Alice is unable to make it  
to school today because she is ill."  

Secretary at high school answered, "I'm sorry to hear that.  
I'll note her absence. Who is this calling please?"  

"This is my mother."   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A motorcycle enthusiast complained that he couldn't decide  
whether to buy a bike with high top speed and poor acceler-  
ation, or one with lots of torque and fast acceleration,  
but a poor top speed. Eventually he decided on the second  
one, because it cost a lot less. After all, torque is chaep!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In a train carriage there were Bill Clinton, George W Bush,
a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking
fat lady. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes
through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap
is heard. When they leave the tunnel, Clinton had a big red
slap mark on his cheek.
(1) The blonde thought - "That rascal Clinton wanted to touch
me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady,
 who in turn must have slapped his face."
(2) The fat lady thought - "That dirty old Bill Clinton laid
his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."
(3) Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on that
blonde and by mistake she slapped me."
(4) George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon
so I can smack Clinton again."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man is walking down the street saying the most terrible things
about Italians to his friend.  He blames the Italians for
everything, the dark ages, the black death, WW1, WW2, problems
in the Catholic Church, poverty, the Vietnam war, famine in
Africa and so on.  He is cursing the Italians in the vilest language.
Upon turning the corner they spot an Italian organ grinder with
a small monkey. The Italian hating man reaches into his pocket,
pulls out a few coins and places them in the cup the monkey is holding. 
"You hate Italians so much.  How come you did that?", his friend asks.
The Italian hater replies,  "Oh, I do hate Italians, that's
for sure, but the kids are so cute when they're young."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 The fireman had rushed into a burning building and rescued
a beautiful young lady who was clad only in the top half of
her baby-doll nightgown.  He had carried her in his arms down
three flights of stairs.
As they arrived safely outside the building, she looked at him
with great admiration and said, "Oh, you are wonderful.  It must
have taken great strength and courage to rescue me the way you did."
"Yes it did," the fireman admitted.  "I had to fight off three other
firemen who were trying to get to you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (General Motors) decided to
have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the
crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to
investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American
team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.  Feeling a deeper study was in order,  American
management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
 
Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese,
the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors,
3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat
greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program",
with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes
And other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development
of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money
saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day a co-worker told my friend, Steve, that she was going home
early because she didn't feel well. Since Steve was just getting over
something himself, he wished her well and said he hoped it wasn't
something he had given her.
A fellow worker piped up, "I sure hope not. She has morning sickness."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**** HEALTH NEWS ****

Scientists study the behavior of proteins  

HOUSTON, -- U.S. scientists at Baylor College of Medicine  
have discovered proteins might behave differently in static  
research environments than they do naturally. Steven Ludtke,  
a Baylor assistant professor of biochemistry and molecular  
biology, found such dynamic behavior in a mutant form of a  
protein called GroEL, which helps misfolded protein achieved  
their purpose in cells. Ludtke and colleagues at the  
University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center used elec-  
tron cryomicroscopy to take detailed two-dimensional images  
of molecules in a native-like environment. Then they assemble  
tens of thousands of such images into three-dimensional  
models that demonstrate the dynamics of the proteins. When  
the team followed that procedure with the GroEL mutant with  
its sister-protein, GroES, they found two of the structures  
were as they expected but the third was "a strange-looking  
structure blown up like a balloon." "This sort of expansion  
has never been observed before," he said. "The expansion was  
directly related to the function of the assembly. From a  
more global perspective, this is strong evidence that we  
need to study how any macromolecule behaves in a solution  
environment." The research is explained in the current  
issue of the journal Structure.   

New gene screening improves accuracy  

LONDON, -- British doctors are using a new technique to  
screen embryos for genetic flaws prior to implementation.  
The new technique, developed at Guy's Hospital and St.  
Thomas' NHS Foundation Trust, allows embryos to be screen-  
ed and only the healthy ones implanted. The Times of  
London says pre-implantation genetic haplotyping (PGH)is  
an improvement on pre-implantation genetic diagnosis (PGD)  
because it doesn't require a precise knowledge of the genes  
causing the problem in a family. The technique is also use-  
ful for X-linked disorders. Until now, selection for X-  
linked disorders has meant male embryos were discarded in  
favor of female ones, the newspaper said. PGH enables  
healthy male embryos to be identified.   

AHA concerned about trans fat ban  

NEW YORK, -- The American Heart Association says it has  
concerns about Mayor Michael Bloomberg's plan to ban trans  
fat in New York City restaurants. "The American Heart  
Association is concerned that the ban of trans fat in  
restaurants in its current form may not be the best course  
of proposed action," the medical group said in written  
testimony obtained by The New York Post. The AHA said the  
ban could force cooks to substitute partially hydrogenated  
vegetable oils and shortening with oils such as palm and  
coconut oil, which are high in saturated fat. The newspaper  
said most other medical groups support the proposed ban,  
including the American College of Cardiology, American  
Cancer Society, Diabetes Association and American Medical  
Association.  

 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

Keith Urban Record Sales Skyrocket"

Keith Urban Record Sales Skyrocket"
Despite being in rehab during its release, Keith Urban's new album, “Love, Pain and the Whole Crazy Thing”, debuted at number one on country sales charts. Urban's label, Capitol Records, has had some anxious moments over the past few weeks as they were on verge of launching Urban's latest album when he checked into the Betty Ford Clinic. As it turns out, Urban has sold more than a quarter million copies of the album, in just seven days. The number nearly doubles any other week that Urban has ever had on sales charts .

In other celebrity news, Cable's CMT gathered country's...

...biggest names in LA to honor Reba McEntire. Dolly Parton, Faith Hill, Martina McBride, LeAnn Rimes, Trisha Yearwood, pop star Kelly Clarkson and Barbara Mandrell were among those who showed to honor MeEntire. The show will air Saturday on CMT.

Kellie Pickler might have her own sit-com next year. According to the Daily Variety, TV producers are talking about casting her in a show where she discovers her biological dad is the state governor.

Also, Al Gore might end up winning an Oscar. Gore’s global warming movie, "An Inconvenient Truth", has made a short-list of 15 films for the “Best Documentary” featurecategory.

In other news, Jerry Springer said he'll join country singer Sara Evans on stage next month at her concert in Merryville, Indiana, near Chicago. If you're in the mood for a road trip, tickets are available for the show.

For the latest entertainment news, visit www.bradon2.com . 



**** Amy's Kitchen ****  

Some people do nothing in particular, but they do it very well.