Welcome New Subscribers
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

WEDNESDAY NOVEMBER 29,2006


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: BEAUTY: what a woman has when she looks the same after washing her face

"Do you get drowsy after eating turkey? It's the chemical in  
it. Here's what my mom does. She has a little secret. Before  
she puts the turkey in the oven she puts a nicotine patch on  
it." --Dave Letterman
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"This week, a restaurant in Arizona began selling The  
Quadruple Bypass Burger. It has four slabs of beef weighing  
two lbs., three cheese layers, four bacon rashers, lettuce  
and tomato. Then, to help you get to your car, they take  
the grease from the bacon and lubricate the doorframes."  
--Conan O'Brien 
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"I finally saw the '40 Year Old Virgin'. It was a line of  
guys waiting for the Playstation 3." --Jay Leno 
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Torrential rainstorms were knocking down power lines all  
over town. That meant, as a customer service rep for the  
electric company, I was dispatching repairmen right and  
left.  

When one lineman called a customer to get her exact address,  
he was told, "I'm at Post Office Box 99."  

The weary lineman replied, "Ma'am, I'll be coming to you in  
a truck, not an envelope." 
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Although I knew our commanding officer hated doling out  
weekend passes, I thought I had a good reason.  

"My wife is pregnant and I want to be with her," I told  
the C.O. Much to my surprise he said, "Permission granted."  

Inspired by my success, a fellow soldier also requested a  
weekend pass. His wife wasn't pregnant, so when the C.O.  
asked why he should grant him permission, my friend re-  
sponded, "My wife is getting pregnant this weekend and I  
want to be with her." 
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Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St Peter met them
there
And said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you are here. However,
Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have
a
Car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend
on
Your answer.

St Peter asks the first guy, "How long were you married?" The first guy says

"24 years"

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?" St Peter asked.

They guy said, "Yes, 7 times..but you said I was forgiven."

St Peter said "yes, but that is not too good. You get a Pinto to drive."

St Peter asks the second guy the same questions.

The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once,
but
That was our first year and we really worked it out good."

St Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln ."

The third guy said, "St Peter, I know what you are going to ask. I was
married
For 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a
Queen!"

St Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"

A few days later, the guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with
the
Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk.

When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said, "I just saw
my
Wife. She was on a skateboard!

What will you be driving???????????
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One Saturday, a stray dog stopped by the Benny family home and began howling beneath the window behind which young Jack Benny was practicing his violin. "For pity's sake, Jack!" his father finally cried. "Can't you play some piece the dog doesn't know?"
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After a school in his home town (Waukegan, Illinois) was named after him, famed comedian Jack Benny made a point of visiting every year to speak with the children. While Benny was addressing a class of twelve-year-olds one year, a student raised his hand and posed a curious question: "Mr. Benny," he asked, "why did they name you after our school?"
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It was a joyous crisp November afternoon when Scott brought his wife Karen and their newborn baby Jordan home from the hospital. "I want to hold my brother," four-year-old Logan begged as Karen came in the house carrying the newborn. "First we have to change his diaper," she said. As Karen removed the diaper, Logan noticed the baby's belly button and asked, "When does his umbrella cord come off?"
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My quiet Saturday morning ended abruptly when my 15-year-old son, Billy, and one of his friends burst through the door. "Hey Dad, announced Billy, "have you met the new neighbors?"

"No."

"Come on Dad, you have to meet them."

"Some other time; I'm busy."

"Dad, you have to meet them now."

From the urgency in Billy's voice, I assumed the neighbors were waiting outside. I set aside my project and went to the front of the house. No one was there. "Where are they?" I asked.

"Well, Dad," he explained, "we haven't met them yet either, but our baseball is in their living room!"
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"President Bush is in Southeast Asia... and because of the metric system over there, his approval rating is actually 62." --David Letterman
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"Senator Trent Lott, who was ousted from the Senate leadership four years ago because of remarks considered racially insensitive, won election Wednesday, as the Senate Minority Whip. But Lott was disappointed to learn this doesn't mean he gets to whip minorities." --Seth Myers
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"According to a new report, the most frequently delayed flight in the country is Delta's 6:30 flight from New York to Washington, D.C. - which is late 100 percent of the time. Delta officials plan to fix the problem by re-naming the 6:30 flight the '7:30 flight.'" --Conan O'Brien
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In a physics lab course, which involved light, electricity and magnetism, one requirement of the course was to read the week's experiment before coming to class...

At one lab session the instructor wanted to see how many people had actually done so ...

"What are the two types of light?" he asked.

The lab fell silent until one wise young man raised his hand and said, "Uhhh, Miller and Bud?"
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A slightly unsure witness to a car crash kept saying things like, "I think the light was yellow," or, "I think it was still raining."

The cross-examining lawyer interrupted, saying derisively, "We don't care what you think. What do you know?"

The harried witness paused for a moment and then replied, "Then I may as well leave the witness stand. Since I'm not a lawyer, I can't talk without thinking."
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"It's not fair that Maddy gets to spend the night at Lisa's and I have to stay home," whined eight-year-old Dina. Her father Daryl explained, "Your sister is older than you, and she is always going to get to do things before you do. So get over your 'no- fair-phobia.' Be happy because when you two get older, she's going to get wrinkles before you." Dina nodded and said, "Just like you have more wrinkles than Mom

**** Quickies ****

Q: How do two psychiatrists greet each other?

A: You are fine. How am I?

"I was always taught to respect my elders," Burns remarked at 87, "and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect"!

If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly 

My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran

Don't use force; use a bigger hammer.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Shirley's ressypees e-zine
We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular
recipe,
send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca

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SOme strange laws from our Great State of Alaska courtesy of "SUDDENLY SENIOR"??A few of Alaska's More
Important Laws...

 

Moose may not be viewed from an airplane.

While it is legal to shoot bears, waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited.

It is the state policy that emergencies are held to a minimum and are rarely found to exist.

It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.

In Fairbanks it is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.

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FREQUENT FLIERS: TAKE NOTE

 

1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.

2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.

3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.

4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.

5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.

6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.

7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.

8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.

9. The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.

10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

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A cowboy had been in the saloon for a long time and decided that it was time, once again to head back to the Stampede.

He walked through the swing doors and immediately noticed that his horse had disappeared from the rail.

"OK," he said, re-entering the crowded bar. "I'm gonna have one more drink and if my horse ain't back by then, the same thing will happen here that happened in Dodge City."

With that several of the cowboys ran out of the saloon and within minutes one had returned to tell him that they'd found his horse for him.

As he turned to leave the bartender stopped him.

"Excuse me stranger" he said, "but what happened in Dodge City?"

The cowboy replied: "I had to walk home!"

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Two Chinese women were touring the United States.

During the visit one woman casually mentioned to the other, "I hear they eat dog here", to which the other responded, "Really? I wonder what it's like?"

On one of the tour stops, an American baseball game, they bravely trooped over to the refreshment stand to request their "dog" sandwich.

As they returned to their seats and the first woman opened the wrapper to inspect the contents, she blushed with embarrassment, then leaned over to her friend and asked, "which part did you get?"

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A doctor had just bought a villa in Paris, when met an old lawyer friend whom he hadn't seen in years, and they started talking.

The lawyer, as it turned out, owned a nearby villa.

They discussed how they came to retire to the City of Lights.

"Remember that lousy office complex I bought?" asked the lawyer. "Well, it caught fire, and I retired here with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"

The doctor replied, "Remember that real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds. It's amazing that we both ended up here in pretty much the same way."

"It sure is," the lawyer replied, looking puzzled, "but I'm confused about one thing - how do you start a flood?"
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Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.

Judge: And why is that?

Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.

Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's

motion?

Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.

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Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

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It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden

stop at the end.

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A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small

boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.

However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to

the boys position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and,

placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the

doorbell a sold ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and

asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run like a hell!!"

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There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the

shore looking like an idiot.? -- Steven Wright

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On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next

to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And

get me a coke, you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a coke for the

parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and

bawls "And get me another coke dogface!" Quite upset, the girl comes back

shaking with another coke but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've

asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now you old goat!"

The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out

of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot

turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you've got guts!"

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A man has a first appointment with a psychiatrist and when asked why

he's there, the fellow responds, "Doctor, I'm tired of being on the outside

looking in."

"Well..." responded the doctor, "sounds like we have to try to improve

your self-image.? Let's get a few basic facts first. What do you do for a

living ?"

"I'm a window washer." responded the patient.

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Classified Ad---?JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER - $300??

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There aren't enough days in the weekend.? -- Steven Wright

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Sign seen in a bar:

"Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."

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If I save time, when do I get it back ?

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Though she tried to please her husband, the poor woman failed regularly.

Most often it was at breakfast.? If she scrambled the eggs, he wanted

poached.? If she poached them, he wanted them scrambled.

One morning she decided to poach one and scramble the other and

waited for his approval.

Glancing at his plate, her husband snorted, "You scrambled the

wrong egg."

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The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said,? "I'm so happy

to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do? the trick he has been

promising us." The grandmother was? curious. "What trick is that my dear,"

she asked. The little? boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would

climb the? walls if you came to visit us again."

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**** Reader's Submissions ****
New Preamble To The Constitution
AMEN!! ... I Thought this was good.

Somebody said this was probably the best e-mail
he'd seen in a long, long time. The following has
been attributed to the State Rep. Mitchell Aye from
Ga.This guy should run for President one day.

"We the sensible people of the United States, in
An attempt to help everyone get along, restore some
semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our
nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure
the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and
our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one
more time to ordain and establish some common sense
guide lines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, and
delusional. We hold these truths to be self evident:
that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of
Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights."

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big
screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you
if you can legally acquire them,but no one is
guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to
never be offended. This country is based on
freedom, and that means freedom for everyone--not
just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel,
express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is
full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be
free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your
eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the
tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives
independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free
food and housing. Americans are the most charitable
people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in
need, but we are quickly growing weary of
subsidizing generation after generation of
professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more
than the creation of another generation of
professional couch potatoes. (This one is my pet
peeve..get an education and go to work...don't
expect everyone else to take care of you!)

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free
health care. That would be nice, but from the looks
of public housing, we're just not interested in
public health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to
physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape,
intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be
surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in
the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the
possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce
away the goods or services of other citizens, don't
be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock
you away in a place where you still won't have the
right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job.
All of us sure want you to have a job, and will
gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect
you to take advantage of the opportunities of
education and vocational training laid before you to
make yourself useful. (AMEN!)

ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to
happiness. Being an American means that you have
the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is
a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over
abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you
who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking
country. We don't care where you are from, English
is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever
you came from! (lastly...)

ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to
change our country's history or heritage. This
country was founded on the belief in one true God.
And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any
religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no
fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is
part of our heritage and history, and if you are
uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!!!!

If you agree, share this with a friend. No, you
don't have to, and nothing tragic will befall you if
you don't. I just think it's about time common
sense is allowed to flourish. Sensible people of
the United States speak out because if you do not,
who will?
**** ON THIS DAY ****

**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****

-29-

Merle Travis born Rosewood, KY 1917. Inducted CMHF 1977.

Myrna Joy Brooks a.k.a. "Jody Miller" born Phoenix, AZ 1941.

Hank Thompson released "Shot Gun Boogie,"/"Humpty Dumpty Heart," 1947.

The Carlisles released "No Help Wanted," 1952.

Webb Pierce recorded his #1 hit "Slowly," 1953.

Johnny Horton's "The Battle of New Orleans," won Grammys for Song of the Year, and Best Country and Western Performance in 1961.

Joseph Falcon, age 65, Cajun music pioneer, died Crowley, LA 1965.

Freddie Hart's single "Easy Lovin'" was certified gold 1971.

Ray Smith, SUN recording artist, died in Burlington, Ontario 1979.

David "Butch" McDade, age 52, died in his home from cancer 1998. Butch, a drummer, was a founding member of the "Amazing Rhythm Aces."

Mindy McCready pled guilty to drug charges 2004. She had been arrested on August 5^{th, and charged with presenting a fraudulent prescription for OxyContin. Mindy was fined $4,000 and will serve three years of supervised probation. She will also be required to perform 200 hours of community service.}

 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

Alan Jackson Highway Signs Stolen  

Four highway signs near Newnan, Ga., bearing Alan Jackson's  
name have been stolen. The signs noted the stretch of the  
interstate named for Jackson, who grew up in Newnan. Two  
signs on Interstate 85 were reported missing Tuesday  
(Nov. 21). Two more were reported missing on Thursday  
(Nov. 23). A spokesman for the Georgia Department of  
Transportation said the missing signs are considered an  
act of vandalism and will be replaced as soon as possible.   



**** Amy's Kitchen ****  

Butterfinger Chocolate Cake

1 box devils food cake mix
1 can eagle brand milk *
1 jar caramel ice cream topping *( she used the large cause she figures
more is better)
1 (8 oz) container cool whip
3 large Butterfinger candy bars broken up (not really big, but not
crumbs either)

Prepare and bake cake as directed on package. After cake is done and
still hot, poke holes all over with handle of wooden spoon. Pour the
eagle brand milk over cake and allow to go down in the holes. Do the
same with the topping. Let cake cool completely. When cool, cover with
cool whip. Sprinkle broken candy bars over cool whip. *( She mixed the
eagle brand milk and topping together and poured all at once)

Shirley F


**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

What makes fireflies glow and what do they eat?

As we learned, there are over 2,000 species of these bioluminescent, nocturnal beetles. A member of the order Coleoptera, in the family Lampyridae, the firefly (aka lightning bug) produces a "cold light" in a specialized organ on the underside of its abdomen. There, a substance called luciferin reacts with oxygen, which is breathed in through the abdominal trachea.

It appears that male fireflies' flashing patterns are mating signals -- females seem to prefer the most rapidly flashing males. Some scientists also believe that the flashing warns off potential predators. Nevertheless, frogs have been known to gorge on a summer feast of fireflies until they themselves begin to glow.

As for the eating habits of fireflies: no one is really sure. Some report that adults don't eat at all, others believe that they feed on nectar and pollen. Female fireflies lay eggs in the soil. Four weeks later larvae are born. These larvae feed on slugs and snails over the summer, spend the winter in underground tunnels and emerge in the spring to eat again and transform into glowing bugs.

Fireflies are found throughout tropical and temperate regions of the world. In the United States they live mostly east of the Mississippi. To attract fireflies to your backyard, try cutting down on lawn chemicals, reduce extra lighting that may interfere with their signaling, and plant tall grass or overhanging trees and shrubs to provide cool, moist, daytime shelter. In Japan, fireflies have become the cultural symbol for river protection and environmental conservation.

****A PARTING THOUGHT ****

Every day in December is a day closer to Spring.

LAST CALL Y'ALL


HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
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Hey, Let's be careful out there
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PLEASE
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