"A popular item this year is gift cards. There's nothing  
like saying, 'I don't care, I don't know what you want,  
but have this and you'll find something you like at this  
store.'" --Jay Leno 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Did you hear about this? Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are  
getting a divorce. Boy, I didn't see that coming. I'm  
telling you, if these kids can't make a go of it, what  
chance do any of us have?" --Dave Letterman  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was a terrible night, blowing cold and snow in a most  
frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local  
baker was just about to close up shop when a little, old  
man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella,  
blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a  
thick coat. But even so he still looked wet, freezing, and  
bedraggled.  

As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have  
two poppy seed bagels to go, please?"  

The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?"  

"That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and  
one for Sherry."  

"And who is Sherry, your wife?" asked the baker.  

"What did you think," snapped the little man, "that my mother  
would send me out on a night like this?"  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Well, Ted, you're certainly coming up in the world. What's  
the idea of playing golf with not one, but two caddies!"  

"Oh, it was my wife's idea."  

"Your wife?"  

"Yeah," answers Ted, "She thought I should spend more time  
with the kids."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was
an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just
had to play golf.

So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and
convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate
Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course
about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet
anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday
morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter
leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and
exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton
hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short
of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you
let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers he saw
walking along he road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking on the
side of the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud,
satisfying "THUMP!". Then he would swerve back onto the road.

One day, as the truck driver was going along he saw a priest
hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled his truck
over.

He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck continued
down the road.   Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the
road. Instinctively, he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered
there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he
swerved away, narrowly missing the lawyer.

Even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud
"THUD!!". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his
mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and
said, "I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some things to ponder

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense
at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the
dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many
people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else
looks?
9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4
AM. It could be a right number.
13. Think about this..., No one ever says "It's only a game." when his
team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to
like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same
size bucket.
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD
LADIES running around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be the Golden
Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to
cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you
are probably dead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the new restaurant chain opening nationwide soon?

It is a partnership between Kareem Abdul Jabarr, Ryan Coffee, and Sugar
Ray Leonard.

They are calling it......

"Coffee with Kareem and Sugar."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A man came home from the office and found his new bride sobbing
convulsively.

"I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned
a big hole in the seat of your trousers."

"Oh, just forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an
extra pair of pants for that suit."

"Yes, I know. And it's lucky you have!" said the woman, drying her
eyes.

"I was able to use a piece from them to patch the hole!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Trying to control my dry hair, I treated my scalp with olive oil before
washing it.

Worried that the oil might leave an odor, I washed my hair several
times.

That night when I went to bed, I leaned over to my husband and asked,
"Do I smell like olive oil?"

"No," he said, sniffing me.

"Do I smell like Popeye?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Old Sam Johnson goes to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all
over his body. After a thorough examination, the doctor gives him a
clean bill of health.

"Sam, you're in excellent shape for an 85 year old man. But I'm not a
magician - I can't make you any younger", says the doctor.

"Who asked you to make me younger, already?" says Sam. "You just make
sure I get older!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two men were talking about the secret of a long and happy marriage.

"Our marriage" said one "is built on trust and understanding."

"My wife doesn't trust me and I don't understand her."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Says one humorist: "Life is unfair. I lost my car keys at a ball game and never found them. I lost my sunglasses at the beach and never found them. I lost my socks in the washing machine and never found them. I lost three pounds on a diet -- I found them and five more."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Democrats say that now that they control the House and  
Senate they plan to raise the minimum wage. The Democrats  
say they're raising the minimum wage because something must  
be done to protect Kevin Federline's future."  
 --Conan O'Brien  

**** HEALTH NEWS ****


Old antibiotic is finally synthesized  

CAMBRIDGE, Mass., Nov. 27-- The need for new antibiotics to  
combat multi-drug resistant bacteria has led U.S. chemists to  
the first synthesis of a potentially valuable antibiotic.  
Daniel Kahne and colleagues at Harvard University report the  
first total synthesis of the antibiotic moenomycin -- a drug  
that has been sidelined from clinical use for 40 years.  
Moenomycin is a broad-spectrum antibiotic with strong anti-  
bacterial activity against a large group of bacteria that cause  
pneumonia, urinary tract infections, gastritis, stomach ulcers,  
food poisoning and other disorders. Moenomycin also kills  
bacteria in an unusual way -- it binds directly to enzymes that  
bacteria need to form a cell wall. Although used as a growth  
promoter in animals, moenomycin has never been developed for  
medical use in humans because it is poorly absorbed into the  
body. Kahne says discovery of a method to synthesize moenomycin  
is important because it will allow scientists to better under-  
stand the antibiotic and make variants of the natural anti-  
biotic that may be suitable for medical use. The research  
appeared in the Nov. 15 issue of the Journal of the American  
Chemical Society.   

Drug shows promise for renal disease  

FRAMINGHAM, Mass., Nov. 27 -- U.S. medical scientists  
say a drug that alters renal cell proliferation may prove a  
useful treatment for polycystic kidney disease. Oxana  
Ibraghimov-Beskrovnaya and colleagues at the Genzyme Corp. in  
Framingham, Mass., found (r)-roscovitine -- a drug that  
interferes with cell proliferation -- slows disease progression  
in two mouse models of autosomal dominant polycystic kidney  
disease, or ADPKD. The researchers found a single pulse treat-  
ment produced robust, long-lasting effects in mice, and was  
effective against cysts found in different parts of the kidney.  
Human ADPKD is a late-onset genetic disorder without effective  
treatment, the scientists noted, with fluid-filled cysts form-  
ing in the kidney tubules, leading to renal failure. The  
researchers suspect the cells making up the hair-like cilia  
that line the kidney tubules have abnormal cell cycles and  
(r)-roscovitine alters that by inhibiting enzymes called  
cyclin-dependent kinases. The study appears online in the  
journal Nature and will be published in the print edition at  
a later date.   

Prostate surgery guidelines revised  

ROCHESTER, Minn., Nov. 27  -- U.S. researchers say they  
have determined a radical prostatectomy can be a viable  
option for select octogenarian patients. The finding by Mayo  
Clinic Cancer Center researchers runs counter to the past  
conventional practice of generally avoiding surgeries for  
people more than 80 years ov age. "Increased life expectancy  
and generally higher levels of wellness, as well as safer  
forms of anesthesia and less-invasive surgical techniques,  
have made it possible for older adults to safely and effect-  
ively have surgeries traditionally not offered over a certain  
age," said Dr. Michael Lieber, Mayo Clinic urologist and the  
study's senior investigator. A variety of treatment options  
exist for the slow-growing cancer, including hormone therapy,  
chemotherapy, radiation therapy, cryotherapy, surgery and  
expectant management, or "watchful waiting." The Journal of  
the American Medical Association reported in 2000 urologists  
typically offer a radical prostatectomy to patients with more  
than 10 years of life expectancy, and don't offer a surgical  
option to patients older than 70 to 75. The most recent study  
appears in the current issue of the journal Urology.  

**** Reader's Submissions ****

Out of this life I shall never take
Things of silver and gold I make.

All that I cherish and hoard away,
After I leave, on the earth must stay.

Though I have toiled for a painting rare
To hang on the wall, I must leave it there.

Though I call it mine and I boast its worth,
I must give it up when I leave the earth.

All that I gather and all that I keep
I must leave behind when I fall asleep.

And I often wonder what I shall own
In that other life when I pass alone.

Shall the Great Judge learn when my task is through
That my spirit had gathered some riches, too?

Or shall at the last it be mine to find
That all I had worked for, I left behind?

The man who rows the boat seldom has time to rock it.