'Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest,

And all of us seniors were looking our best.

Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;

Our punch bowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.


A bed sock was taped to each walker; in hope

That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.

We surely were lucky to be there with friends,

Secure in this residence and in our Depends.


Our grandkids had sent us some Christmassy crafts,

Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.

The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,

And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.


The bedpans, so shiny, all stood in a row,

Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.

Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --

Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.


Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,

Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.

The social director then had us play games,

Like "Where Are You Living?" And "What Are Your Names?"


Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,

Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.

Our resident wanderer was tied to her chair,

In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.


Security lights on the new fallen snow

Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.

Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter

But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter.


A strange little fellow flew in through the door,

Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.

'Twas just our director, all togged out in red.

He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.


We knew from the way that he strutted and jived

Our social security checks had arrived.

We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,

Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. Stroke.


And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds.

While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.

And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.

'fore long you'll be with us, we wish you
BABS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Ladies and gentlemen, here's great news: Sylvester Stallone  
has a new 'Rocky' movie. I've actually seen the new 'Rocky'  
movie and it's not that exciting. It's about how Rocky  
develops a hamburger grill." --Dave Letterman  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm pushing it this month, too. I've been  
spending money like we'll be switching to Canadian dollars  
in January. But what the heck, right? It's Christmas! I'll  
have all next year to put my finances back together. If I  
have any left by then.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Earlier today, Lindsay Lohan issued a statement saying she  
hasn't had a drink in a week. When asked how she did it,  
Lindsay said, 'I passed out six and a half days ago.'"  
 --Conan O'Brien  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"In the current 'Vogue' magazine there's an interview with  
Angelina Jolie and she said that she is not really into  
snuggling, cuddling, hugging, or crying. You thought guys  
liked her before. Dream girl!" --Jay Leno 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I worked for the security department of a large retail  
store, my duties included responding to fire and burglar  
alarms. A side door of the building was wired with a  
security alarm, because it was not supposed to be used by  
customers. Nevertheless they found the convenience of the  
exit tempting. Even a sign with large red letters, warning  
"Alarm will sound if opened," failed to deter people from  
using it.  

One day, after attending to a number of shrieking alarms,  
I placed a small handmade sign on the door that totally  
eliminated the problem: "Wet paint."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tiring of the same old buzz cut from the base barber at  
Fort Dix, New Jersey, I went into town to get my haircut.  
The hairdresser noticed my accent and asked where I was  
from.  

"Trinidad," I said.  

"Is that in Arabia?"  

"The Caribbean."  

She laughed, "Sorry, I never was very good at geometry."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While shopping one day, I noticed a woman wearing a beautiful cable-knit blue sweater. Intrigued, I stopped her and asked if she had knit it. She had, she told me; it had been her project while giving up smoking. "But I seldom wear it," she said. "Why?" I asked.

"It's really spooky," she admitted. "Every time I put it on, I want a cigarette."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The lab where I work has a company van that's used to transport our testing equipment to job sites. One morning our supervisor came storming into the lab. Livid, he shouted: "Someone left the company van out on the street last night instead of putting it in the garage! And it was full of expensive testing equipment. Not only that but the windows were rolled down!"

There was complete silence, until a worried voice asked, "Were the doors locked?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While driving in the car with my son, I had an "oldies" radio station on. It played a song that I remembered from the 1960s. "You know, Ron, this song was on when I was in bed with a broken leg when I was young."

"Gee, Mom, that's too bad," he replied. "You couldn't even get up to turn it off."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Middle age is the time of life when the most fun you have is talking about the most fun you used to have.

*****Fred.....The Ole Fritbear!!!*****
Christmas is just 7 days away ... and 2007 is right around the corner 
--- but, I am sure no one needed to be reminded.  So ... to help you 
get everything done for the holiday, we have once again searched the 
archives to see what we could find in the way of a few Grins, Giggles 
and Groaners ... as always sent to youjust for the fun of it and also 
because we feel everyone can use a laff now and then....Here Goes!!!

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Top 10 Signs You Got A Bad Xmas Tree
10. It's two feet tall and 40 feet wide.
9. Salesman's opening line: "You're not a cop, are you?"
8. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat
hangers stuck to it.
7. While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan
for a joy ride.
6. Each branch has a "Duraflame" sign printed on it.
5. Keeps heckling while you try to do a lame top 10 list.
4. It's very small and says "Air Freshener" on it.
3. Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours.
2. Some guy named Mujibur put a cheap Statue of Liberty trinket
on top of it.
1. It's constantly bragging about its "trunk size.""

 ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A visiting minister was very long-winded. Worse, every time he would 
make a good point during his sermon and a member of the congregation 
responded with "Amen" or "That's right, preacher" he would get wound 
up even more and launch into another lengthy discourse.
Finally, the host pastor started responding to every few sentences 
with "Amen, Pharaoh!" The guest minister wasn't sure what that meant, 
but after several more "Amen, Pharaohs" he finally concluded his very 
lengthy sermon.
After the service concluded and the congregation had left, the 
visiting minister turned to his host and asked, "What exactly did you 
mean when you said "Amen, Pharaoh?"
His host replied, "I was telling you to let my people go!"

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS (Feline style)


On the first day of Christmas, my kitten ruined for me...
A batch of my special hand-print cookies. I had turned my back to 
grab the
cookie sheet sitting on the stove. In that micro-second, Sara climbed 
onto
the table, poked her paw into the delightfully kneady mixture and, 
suddenly
off-balance, fell into the cookie dough. Net loss? Six cups of flour, 
four
cups of sugar, three sticks of butter.... Of course, it would have 
been cheaper
to remove the feline ingredient, pick out the hairs, and just rename the
recipe Paw Print Cookies.

On the second day of Christmas, my kitten accompanied me....
On a trip to the vet clinic. Who knew that skinny curling ribbon has 
feline
taste appeal? I didn't. Damages: $28 for the office visit, $36 for 
anesthesia
so the veterinarian could take $55 X-rays in case Sara had taste-
tested any
other Christmas decorations, and a heck of a lot of embarrassment 
when the vet
removed the 3' curly tail in slightly less than two seconds by 
tugging at it
with a pair of tweezers.

On the third day of Christmas, my kitten wrecked for me...
13 ornaments on my Christmas tree. My mistake was forgetting to chain 
the
decorations to the branches. My other error was leaving the room to 
go to the
bathroom while Sara feigned sleeping under the tree. How was I to 
know she was
actually measuring its climbing potential? Value of broken bulbs? 
7.50 plus tax.

On the fourth day of Christmas, my kitten broke for me... A statue in 
my Lenox
Nativity. Would you believe two Wise men plus a head? Lenox nativity 
figurines:
$55.99

On the fifth day of Christmas, my kitten scratched for me...
The kid across the street who collects for charity. It was an 
accident. She
merely wanted to reach out and touch someone. Unfortunately, she used a
unsheathed claw to do so. I settled out-of-court for the cost of a 
jacket to
replace the boy's blood stained one and a hefty donation to the 
charity of
their choice. Although the amount must remain secret according to our
settlement, let me put it this way. You haven't seen many soldiers 
for the
Salvation Army this year, have you?  Think: Major Windfall!

On the sixth day of Christmas, my kitten opened for me...
The presents beneath my Christmas tree. It was only two, really. 
While doing
some early shopping at a discount store, I purchased a catnip mouse 
for Sara's
stocking. Apparently, anything in the same bag as catnip takes on its 
potent
aroma for a very long time. Replacement costs: $3.99 for another roll of
Christmas wrapping paper, $4.50 for two empty boxes, $1 each for the 
kind of
bows Sara can't unravel.

On the seventh day of Christmas, my kitten lost for me...
The earrings I bought for my sister Mary. Actually, it was one 
earring but
since Mary doesn't have a hole in her nose or navel, a pair of matching
earrings does make a more appealing gift. Sale price: $29.95 plus tax.

On the eighth day of Christmas, my kitten helped me...
Replace my E and G guitar strings. Would you believe a kitten could 
fit into
the itty-bitty hole in the middle of my Yamaha guitar? Neither could 
I, but
Sara thought so. And she succeeded once she got those rascally 
strings out of
the way. Unfortunately, her little rear end couldn't get out the way 
it came
in. After paying through the whiskers for her previous escapades, I 
would have
been willing to leave her in the guitar for the duration of the 
holiday season,
except that she chose to get stuck two hours before I was due at the 
nursing
home for our annual Christmas carol sing-a-long. Set of steel guitar 
strings:
$12.95; jar of petroleum jelly: 79 cents.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my kitten destroyed for me...
My Christmas card list when she walked across my computer's delete 
key. Cost
for call to Computer Country's 900/help line: $17.50. And I still 
don't know
what happened to the listings of B through H.

On the tenth day of Christmas, my kitten hid from me.....
The remote control from my 13-inch TV. This wouldn't be such a 
disaster if she
hadn't previously stolen the power knob. I missed a week's worth of 
Christmas
specials, including my all-time favorite, "It's a Wonderful Life." 
Rental of
"It's a Wonderful Life": $2; purchase of book, "Good owners, great 
cats":
$24.95. Unfortunately, it never mentions the psychological profile of 
kittens
with kleptomania.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my kitten ate for me.....
The drumsticks off my 19-pound turkey. OK,OK, So this one time it was 
my fault.
I knew I never should have uttered those now infamous words: "Your first
turkey, Sara. Want to try just a little piece?" Cost: Christmas Dinner.

On the 12th day of Christmas........
Sara rested. And so, thank goodness, did my VISA card.

 ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
(This is a Twist on an old Classic)

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful,
independent, self-assured princess happened upon a
frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on
the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow
near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess's
lap and said, "Elegant lady, I was once a handsome
prince until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One
kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into a
handsome young prince. Then, my sweet, we can marry
and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother,
where you can prepare meals, clean my clothes, bear
my children and forever feel grateful and happy doing
so." That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on
a repast of lightly saut?ed frog legs seasoned in a
white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to
herself and thought,

"I don't think so!"

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
A blonde walked up to an airport ticket counter and asked to buy a 
round trip ticket.

"Where to?" asked the smiling ticket agent. The blonde rolled her 
eyes and said, "Duuuuuh, back here!"

 ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
An Army mule named Maggie was buried, and the following inscription 
appeared on the tomb:

In memory of Maggie, who in her lifetime kicked one general, four 
colonels, two majors, ten captains, 24 lieutenants,42 sergeants, 565 
privates and one bomb.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
  "Didn't Your Mother Tell You?"

Old Mother Hubbard's Mother: I don't care, I am not helping you raise
all your kids, and who are the fathers? What are they doing to help
support them?

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go,
young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"

MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: "I don't mind you having a garden,
Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?"

MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on
braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you
a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me?
Noooo!"

COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher.
You still could have written!"

BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you -- quit
playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other
children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the
ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your
report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and
prove it!"

CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I told you -- don't go
biting off more than you can chew!"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you
just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney,
but you're starting to look a little purple."

MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school,
Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."

BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much
the insurance is going to be?"

GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the
Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"

LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't
get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot
more
spiders around here!"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't
you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money
across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've
really been for the last three days."

SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and
we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit
spending so much time in all those phone booths?"

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the
electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"


and one more ....

 ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
At the age of 93, George Burns, having had four car accidents in a 
single month, hired another man to drive him around town. The time 
had finally come to get out from behind the wheel, Burns explained, 
even though "only" three of those accidents had been his fault.

Even as a young man, Burns had been a poor driver. "But at least in 
those days I could see over the steering wheel," Burns once recalled. 
"By 93, I had shrunk quite a lot. My car was known as the Phantom 
Cadillac. People would see it whizzing by and they would swear there 
was no driver."

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
I bought a dog the other day, I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. 
Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay! He went insane. [Steven Wright]

 ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Teacher: "What is actually used as a conductor of electricity?

Johnny: "Why...er?"

Teacher: "Wire is right. Very good. Now tell me, what is the unit of 
electrical power?"

Johnny: "The what?"

Teacher: "That's absolutely correct, the watt. Now class, you should 
all study diligently, like Johnny here."

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
[This is an old, old one, but still one of my favorites...]

A fifth generation farmer has determined that his son will be the 
first in their family to go to college. So he and the wife save every 
penny for years and when the big day comes for junior to leave for 
school, the old man is the proudest he's ever been.

After the first semester junior comes home for Christmas break and 
the old man sits him down for a talk. "Well, boy, you been at school 
for three months now, I want you to tell me some of that fancy book 
learnin'."

So junior says, "My favorite class is math, pa. Just last week we 
learned a new formula...Pi r squared."

At hearing this the old man screws up his eyes and smacks his 
forehead, "Dog gone-it! I spent all that money on schooling and all 
you can tell me is Pi r squared? Why everybody know pie are 
round...CORNBREAD are squared!"

 ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it 
make which one you stay home from?

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
A police officer had been told by his sergeant that he was to bring 
up his quota of speeding fines, he decided to park and use his radar 
gun flashing the cars as they drove by on a busy street. Well one 
hour went by then two and no one was speeding. After about six hours 
a lone car came speeding by at well over the limit, the officer 
turned on his lights and siren and pulled the car over. As the 
officer approached the drivers window he remarked "I've been waiting 
for you all day" and the driver replied, "Well I got here as fast as 
I could!"

 ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
A Japanese tourist flies into Vancouver. He takes a taxi to the 
centre of town. Along the way he observes that everything in British 
Columbia seems to move at a much slower pace than it does in Tokyo. 
Unable to contain himself, he says to the cabbie, "Your taxis are too 
slow. Japanese taxis go very fast! Look at your buses. They move at a 
snail's pace. In Japan buses run like hell! Look at the speed of your 
motorcycles. Japanese motorcycles barrel along!" At the end of the 
journey, the taxi fare has amounted to $70. "What!" exclaims the 
furious Japanese tourist. "Your taxi meter runs too fast." "Yes why 
not?" replies the cabbie. "It's made in Japan, after all!"

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to 
talk about. He asks his father for advice.

The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always 
work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream 
sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as 
the boy's nervousness builds, he remembers his father's advice, and 
chooses the first topic.

He asks the girl: "Do you like potato pancakes?"

She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his 
father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list.

He asks, "Do you have a brother?"

Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice 
and asks: "If you did have a brother, do you think he would like 
potato pancakes?"

 ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Bubba came visitin' up north, and decided he wanted to go and do 
something he could never do in South Alabama... SNOW SKIING ...

Unfortunately, before he ever made it UP the hill so's he could *try* 
and come DOWN the hill on ski's, he was knocked unconscious by the 
chairlift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but 
they said they were refusing to cover the injury.

"WHAT?!?" yelled Bubba at the phone. "And just why wouldn't you cover 
an injury like this?" he complained.

"You got hit in the head by a chairlift," Bubba's insurance rep said. 
"That makes you a freaking moron... and we consider that to be pre-
existing condition."

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
I just received these helpful holiday tips and since the season is 
fast approaching, I thought it would be nice to pass these along and 
wish all of you a happy and festive holiday season.

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet 
table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see 
carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum 
balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-
malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt 
scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink 
up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as 
if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a 
treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you 
think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of 
gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of 
your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk 
or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a 
sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to 
control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is 
to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New 
Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. 
This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the 
buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of 
eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like 
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position 
yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before 
becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of 
shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or 
if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always 
have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor 
Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the 
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, 
have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the 
party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-
read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the 
grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well 
preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one 
hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out 
and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Have a great holiday season!

 ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
It was 6 p.m., and I was about to leave the coin laundry where I was 
employed. My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping 
off someone's laundry on my way home. "It's for my cousin," she 
apologized, "who's eight months pregnant and can't get out much 
anymore." I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at 
the door. A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered.

"Hi, there," I said with a big smile. "Is your mommy home?" Holding 
up the white bundle of clothes, I explained, "I have a delivery for 
her."

The child's mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide. "Mom!" she 
shrieked, "come quick! It's the stork!"

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Received from: Lorraine
A police officer had been told by his sergeant that he was to bring 
up his quota of speeding fines, he decided to park and use his radar 
gun flashing the cars as they drove by on a busy street. Well one 
hour went by then two and no one was speeding. After about six hours 
a lone car came speeding by at well over the limit, the officer 
turned on his lights and siren and pulled the car over. As the 
officer approached the drivers window he remarked "I've been waiting 
for you all day" and the driver replied, "Well I got here as fast as 
I could!"

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Received from: Marty
A soldier was about to go on a tour of duty in Europe. He promised 
his wife that he would be absolutely faithful to her. He said, "While 
the other guys are going out with French, Italian and Spanish girls, 
I will stay in and learn to play a musical instrument." So, the next 
day, when she saw him off at the airport, she gave him a mouth organ. 
Six months later she was at the airport again to greet him upon his 
return. As he began to embrace her, she said, "Wait a minute! Before 
you do anything else, let me hear you play that mouth organ."

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Received from: Diana
Ever notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your 
two cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal!

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Received from: Gerry
A Japanese tourist flies into Vancouver. He takes a taxi to the 
centre of town. Along the way he observes that everything in British 
Columbia seems to move at a much slower pace than it does in Tokyo. 
Unable to contain himself, he says to the cabbie, "Your taxis are too 
slow. Japanese taxis go very fast! Look at your buses. They move at a 
snail's pace. In Japan buses run like hell! Look at the speed of your 
motorcycles. Japanese motorcycles barrel along!" At the end of the 
journey, the taxi fare has amounted to $70. "What!" exclaims the 
furious Japanese tourist. "Your taxi meter runs too fast." "Yes why 
not?" replies the cabbie. "It's made in Japan, after all!"

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Received from: Bruce
A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to 
talk about. He asks his father for advice.

The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always 
work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream 
sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as 
the boy's nervousness builds, he remembers his father's advice, and 
chooses the first topic.

He asks the girl: "Do you like potato pancakes?"

She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his 
father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list.

He asks, "Do you have a brother?"

Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice 
and asks: "If you did have a brother, do you think he would like 
potato pancakes?"

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Received from: Bruce
Bubba came visitin' up north, and decided he wanted to go and do 
something he could never do in South Alabama... SNOW SKIING ...

Unfortunately, before he ever made it UP the hill so's he could *try* 
and come DOWN the hill on ski's, he was knocked unconscious by the 
chairlift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but 
they said they were refusing to cover the injury.

"WHAT?!?" yelled Bubba at the phone. "And just why wouldn't you cover 
an injury like this?" he complained.

"You got hit in the head by a chairlift," Bubba's insurance rep said. 
"That makes you a freaking moron... and we consider that to be pre-
existing condition."

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Received from: cutie pa2ti
A guy comes in with a frog on his head, and the bartender says, 
"Where did you get that?" And the frog says, "It started out as a 
little bump on my butt."

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Received from: Bruce
I just received these helpful holiday tips and since the season is 
fast approaching, I thought it would be nice to pass these along and 
wish all of you a happy and festive holiday season.

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet 
table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see 
carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum 
balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-
malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt 
scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink 
up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as 
if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a 
treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you 
think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of 
gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of 
your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk 
or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a 
sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to 
control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is 
to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New 
Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. 
This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the 
buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of 
eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like 
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position 
yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before 
becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of 
shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or 
if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always 
have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor 
Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the 
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, 
have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the 
party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-
read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the 
grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well 
preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one 
hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out 
and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Have a great holiday season!

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Received from: B.B.
It was 6 p.m., and I was about to leave the coin laundry where I was 
employed. My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping 
off someone's laundry on my way home. "It's for my cousin," she 
apologized, "who's eight months pregnant and can't get out much 
anymore." I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at 
the door. A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered.

"Hi, there," I said with a big smile. "Is your mommy home?" Holding 
up the white bundle of clothes, I explained, "I have a delivery for 
her."

The child's mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide. "Mom!" she 
shrieked, "come quick! It's the stork!"

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Received from: cutie pa2ti
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at 
the end.

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Received from: B.B.
Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become 
actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; 
they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny. 
- Frank Outlaw

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Received from: B.B.
THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS (Texas Style)

'Twas the night before Christmas - In Texas, you know, Way out on the 
prairie, Without any snow.

Asleep in their cabin...Were Buddy and Sue, A'dreamin' of Christmas, 
Like me and like you.

Not stockings, but boots ...At the foot of their bed, For this was in 
Texas, What more need be said.

When all of a sudden...From out the still night, There came such a 
ruckus - It gave me a fright.

And I saw 'cross the prairie...Like a shot from a gun, A loaded up 
buckboard - Come out at a run.

The driver was geein' ... And hawin' with will, And horses, not 
reindeer, He drove with such skill.

C'mon, Buck and Poncho, And Prince to the right, There'll be plenty 
travelin' ... For y'all tonight.

The driver, in Wranglers - And a shirt that was red, Had a 10-gallon 
Stetson ... On top of his head.

As he stepped from his buckboard ...He was really a sight, A beard 
and a moustache - So curly and white.

As he burst in the cabin, The children awoke, And were both so 
astonished ...That neither one spoke.

He filled up their boots ...With such presents galore That neither 
could think - Of a single thing more.

When Buddy recovered ...The use of his jaws, He asked in a whisper, 
'Are you Santa Claus?' 'Am I the real Santa? Well, what do you 
think?' And he smiled as he gave ...A mysterious wink.

Then he leapt in the buckboard ...And said in his drawl, 'To the 
children of Texas, Merry Christmas, y'all!

- Author Unknown

 ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Mrs. Johnson had quintuplets. Isn't that something? Did you know that 
happens only once in four million times?

My gosh, when did they ever have time to go to work?

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
I had worked late, and my Labrador was so overjoyed to see me arrive 
home that he jumped up just as I leaned down. Our heads collided, and 
I sported an impressive shiner for several weeks. I had to repeat 
frequently to co-workers and friends how I came by it, and one day on 
the elevator, a secretary whom I hadn't seen for some time looked at 
my black eye and exclaimed, "My goodness, what happened to you?"

"The dog did it," I wearily replied.

A man standing next to us looked over at me and said knowingly, "Ahh, 
you must own a boxer."

 ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist, 
Julie Andrews, made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City 
Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers 
she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie 
"Sound Of Music." Here are the lyrics she used:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting, Walkers and handrails 
and new dental fittings, Bundles of magazines tied up in string, 
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses, Polident and 
Fixodent and false teeth in glasses, Pacemakers, golf carts and 
porches with swings, These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak, When the knees go bad, I 
simply remember my favorite things, And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions, No spicy hot food or 
food cooked with onions, Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals 
they bring, These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin', Thin bones and 
fractures and hair that is thinnin', And we won't mention our short 
shrunken frames, When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break, When the eyes grow dim, 
Then I remember the great life I've had, And then I don't feel so bad.

(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted 
over four minutes and repeated encores.)
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Actual Classified Ads

In a Los Angeles daily: "Wanted: man to work on nuclear fissionable 
isotope molecular reactive counters and three-phase cyclotronic 
photosynthesizers. No experience necessary."

In the Southern Illinois University student newspaper: "Sweet old 
lady wishes to correspond with S.I.U. undergraduate. Prefers six-foot 
male with brown eyes answering to initials J.D.B. Signed, His Mother."

 From a Miami Beach weekly: " Having trouble with your husband coming 
home late or not at all? Let us make a confidential investigation for 
you. Special discount if your husband is a senior citizen.

 ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

And to end this weeks collection of ggg...are a few cartoons.

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**** Reader's Submissions ****
THIS IS FROM ME.
I PRINT IT EVERY YEAR

 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

   SARA ANNOUNCES TOUR SCHEDULE

Sara Evans has announced her upcoming tour schedule for 2007 as she goes through her divorce from husband Craig Schelske.

December 14, 2006 – Sara’s tour officially kicks off on New Year’s Eve in Mt. Pleasant, Mich., then picks up Jan. 12 in Charlotte. She’ll tour extensively through March and resume toward the end of June. Sara announced that she was filing for divorce in October, which led to her leaving the TV show Dancing With the Stars. Since that time, she has released a gift book with the same title as her single “You’ll Always Be My Baby.” Sara has called the book a thank-you to her fans for supporting her during the divorce process. 


Trick Pony to Play Its Final Show at Wildhorse Saloon  

The band Trick Pony will play its final show at Nashville's  
Wildhorse Saloon on Wednesday night. The concert will be  
recorded for a live album on Curb Records. Lead vocalist  
Heidi Newfield is leaving the band to pursue a solo career  
next year Ira Dean and Keith Burns have been auditioning  
singers to replace her, and their choice is expected to be  
Aubrey Collins, a singer-songwriter originally from  
Littleton, Colo. Trick Pony got its start 10 years ago at  
the Wildhorse and landed a Warner Bros. record deal there.  
The trio's one Top 10 hit, "On a Night Like This," was  
released in 2001.    

Carrie Underwood to Tour With USO  

Carrie Underwood has announced plans for a USO tour to  
the Persian Gulf this winter although no specific dates  
or locations have been revealed due to security reasons.  
Underwood wrapped her concert tour with Brad Paisley on  
Friday night in Chicago. Her next domestic tour date is  
Dec. 31 at Mystic Lake Casino in Prior Lake, Minn.  
Underwood also sang "Jesus, Take the Wheel" during her  
first appearance on Oprah on Monday, then joined Tony  
Bennett, Michael Buble and Josh Groban to sing Stevie  
Wonder's "For Once in My Life." 


Sugarland goes double platinum

Sugarland's "Enjoy The Ride" has gone platinum, meaning it has sold more than 1 million units since it was released Nov. 7.

"After only five weeks, one single and a platinum certification, this album has already proved itself a success," said Universal Music Group Nashville's Co-Chairman Luke Lewis. "This solidifies Sugarland's path to superstardom."

In addition to writing or co-writing all 11 tracks, lead members Jennifer Nettles and Kristian Bush have also achieved multi-platinum status with their debut album "Twice The Speed of Life" and garnered back-to-back number two singles and digital platinum honors with "Baby Girl" and "Something More."

 

**** Amy's Kitchen ****