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From Carlisle
,Indiana
U.S.A.  Welcome to The Funnies "Friends
are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything. Welcome New
Subscribers TUESDAY DECEMBER 19,2006
The Last Christmas Tree I saw a truck of Christmas trees He strung some twinkly
lights He poured himself hot
cocoa A mom, a dad, and one
small boy The boy marched up and
down the rows, "Let's get the biggest
tree we can! "A tree SO
big It seemed they looked
at every tree "I've found it,
mom! "We'll put
great-grandma' "How 'bout some nice
hot cocoa?" He poured the steaming
chocolate "Is this your
choice?" "Then, Merry
Christmas!" "On Christmas Eve at
bedtime "Now hurry
home! And so it went
on To every last
person Who promised the
promise And when it was
over The tree man put on
his He left the pine right
by a stream He smiled as he brushed
off He scratched that huge
reindeer "There are miles more
to travel, He looked to the
sky The
End "Twelve Days of Fast Food" On the first day of Christmas, my drive through gave to me: a Big Bacon Classic with cheese. On the second day of Christmas,
my drive through gave to me: Two Happy Meals, and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese. On the third day of Christmas,
my drive through gave to me: Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese. On the fourth day of Christmas,
my drive through gave to me: Four Egg McMuffins, Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese. On the fifth day of Christmas,
my drive through gave to me: Five onion rings, Four Egg McMuffins, Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese. On the sixth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me: Six chocolate milkshakes, Five onion rings, Four Egg McMuffins, Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese. On the seventh day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me: Seven pints of cole slaw, Six chocolate milkshakes, Five onion rings, Four Egg McMuffins, Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese. On the eighth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me: Eight bowls of chili, Seven pints of cole slaw, Six chocolate milkshakes, Five onion rings, Four Egg McMuffins, Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese. On the ninth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me: Nine polish hot dogs, Eight bowls of chili, Seven pints of cole slaw, Six chocolate milkshakes, Five onion rings, Four Egg McMuffins, Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese. On the tenth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me: Ten baked potatoes, Nine polish hot dogs, Eight bowls of chili, Seven pints of cole slaw, Six chocolate milkshakes, Five onion rings, Four Egg McMuffins, Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese. On the eleventh day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me: Eleven pounds of blubber, Ten baked potatoes, Nine polish hot dogs, Eight bowls of chili, Seven pints of cole slaw, Six chocolate milkshakes, Five onion rings, Four Egg McMuffins, Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese. On the twelfth day of Christmas, My drive through gave to me: Twelve bags of Pepto, Eleven pounds of blubber, Ten baked potatoes, Nine polish hot dogs, Eight bowls of chili, Seven pints of cole slaw, Six chocolate milkshakes, Five onion rings, Four Egg McMuffins, Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese Today, give
a stranger one of your smiles. It might be the only sunshine he sees all day. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Christmas Presents"
Here are ten useful phrases for responding to Christmas presented you would rather not have received: 1. Thanks a lot!
2. My word! What a gift. 3. Well, well, well ... 4. If I hadn't put on so much weight recently it would have fitted me perfectly. 5. Gosh, I hope I never lose this. We're always losing things around here. 6. It's great; but I'm worried about the jealousy it may create. 7. Just my luck to get this, on the Christmas I promised to give all my gifts to charity. 8. Unfortunately, I am about to enter MI5's Witness Protection programme. 9. Frankly, I don't deserve this. 10. Really, you shouldn't have. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "10 WAYS TO SHARE THE JOY DURING THE CHRISTMAS
HOLIDAYS"
1. Mend a broken relationship with a friend or relative
during the
holidays. 2. Every night of the Christmas season, before going to
bed, ask
yourself, "Whose life did I make brighter today?" 3. Offer to run holiday errands for an elderly friend
or relative.
4. Tip someone who doesn't expect it.
5. Set aside time at the beginning of the holiday
season to help your children plan their gift-giving lists.
6. Open holiday cards as a family activity each night
at the dinner
table and read the messages aloud. 7. This year, write letters to several people who have
had a positive influence on your life and thank them for the gift they have
given you.
8. Take decorated wreaths, dreidels or other festive
symbols to someone in a hospital or nursing home.
9. Secretly shovel the snow off of your neighbor's
front walk.
10. If you have friends who have lost family members
since last year, make a special effort to call and cheer them during the
holidays.
And remember...don' t try to do everything yourself...even Santa needs helpers. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ We were visiting our daughter, and her dad had given her a bouquet of roses for her birthday. She went to the kitchen and got out a vase, then realized it was too small. The larger one she needed was on top of the cupboards, and she couldn't reach it. I asked her if she wanted a chair. "No, thanks," she replied. "I have a man." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Four-year-old James had been warned never to leave our street. One day, however, he went for a walk and cross our street. I was very upset when I found out and said he'd have to tell his dad. About an hour later his dad arrived home and I said, "Now tell Dad where you were." He looked at me blankly, so I rephrased my words. "Where did you come from," I asked sternly. "I don't know," James cried in a shaky voice. "the hospital? the stork?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One night while I was cat-sitting my daughter's indoor feline, it escaped outside. When it failed to return the following morning, I found the beast clinging to a branch about 30 feet up in a spindly tree. Unable to lure it down, I called the fire department. "We don't do that anymore," the woman dispatcher said. When I persisted, she was polite but firm. "The cat will come down when it gets hungry enough." How do you know that?" I asked. "Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?" she said. Two hours later the cat was back, looking for breakfast. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One Sunday a priest announced he was passing out minature crosses made of palm leaves. "Put this cross in the room where your family argues most," he advised. "When you look at it, the cross will remind you that God is watching." When the parishoners were leaving church, a woman walked up to the priest, shook his hand and said, "I'll take five." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Engineering classes at the University of Maryland are tough, and struggling students sometimes go to extremes in order to pass. Grading exams one semester, I got to this question: "What is the relationship between kinetic and potential energy?" One student, obviously stumped, decided to get clever and wrote, "As far as I know, they're just friends, but there could be something else going on there." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A feisty 80-year old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: "A can of peaches." The judge then asked her why she had stolen them. She replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "6." The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail." Before the judge could formally pronounce sentence, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. He said, "What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette. One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her. Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?" The man replied, "That's one of the benefits you get of owning the company ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In a small Wisconsin community, farmers in the county had gotten together to discuss a few important local issues. - About midway through the meeting, the wife of one of the new, younger generation farmers, who had graduated from the state's agriculture university, stood up and spoke her peace. - When she was finished, one of the old farmers stood up and said, "What the hell does she know about anything? - I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?" - Quick as a cat crossing a hot tin roof, the woman replied, - "Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself !" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Congress' Night Before Christmas"
"Twas the week before Christmas and those sly little elves, Our congressmen, labored to better themselves. They cared not a whit what the public might think "Let them eat cake," some said with a wink. And putting their thumbs to the tip of their nose,
they waved as they shouted "Anything goes!" They scoffed at the thought that we might object,
to a tax cut for the wealthy of a posh percent. They've got prerequisites-franking, per diem, and more -- bargain-priced haircuts and gyms (three or four!) Paid speaking engagements and meals on the cuff,
celebrity status -- (they've sure got it tough!), Yet they claim they're in touch with the man on the street,
as John Q. Public struggles to make both ends meet. If all workers decided what they were due, they'd be getting those fat paychecks too! But while we take cutbacks or raises quite small,
and one out of 20 has no job at all, our millionaire Congress decides on the budget land trimming Medicare and Medicaid will do it, they say. In this season for giving, our Congress is taking.
We've had it with them and our backs are breaking. With hard times, disasters, and layoffs on our dockets, we bit the bullet and they fill their pockets! Oh jobless, oh homeless, oh desperate and needy -
dare anyone say our Congress is greedy? If in this feeling I'm not alone,
take up your pen or pick up your phone. As dry leaves before the wild hurricane fly, let the road of your anger mount to the sky. Indignant, outraged, appalled and beset
let your congressman know that you won't forget! When election times comes -- and certain it will -- you're voting him out for passing that bill. More rapid than eagles, their elections assured
they toasted each other and laughed at the herd. And I heard them exclaim with adjournment at hand, "Merry Christmas to us, and the public be
damned! **** Quickies **** Claustrophobia: A dreadful fear
of Santa Claus Adult education is a strenuous effort to learn about things that bored you when you were still young enough to benefit from them. Progress is an unremitting attempt to make the things we eat, drink, and wear as good as they used to be. Lady, this vacuum cleaner will cut your work in half. Good. I’ll take two of them! &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&Shirley's ressypees e-zine We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular recipe, send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca SUBSCRIBE RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&  &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& You can join The Funnies IT'S FREE To subscribe, Click on link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& **** HEALTH NEWS **** Protein biomarker may predict Alzheimer's NEW YORK, - U.S. scientists have identified 23 cerebro- spinal fluid protein biomarkers that may someday be used to identify a person living with Alzheimer's disease. The researchers at Cornell University and the Weill Cornell Medical College say the protein biomarkers act as a neuro- chemical "fingerprint." Currently, physicians must rely on their clinical judgment to decide whether a patient has Alzheimer's rather than some other form of dementia. In many cases, the diagnosis remains uncertain until brain tissue is examined at autopsy. "Our study is the first to use sophisticated proteomic methods to hone in on a group of cerebrospinal fluid biomarkers that are specific to autopsy-proven Alzheimer's disease," said Professor Kelvin Lee, the study's lead investigator. "Postmortem tests confirmed the panel is over 90 percent sensitive in identifying people with Alzheimer's disease." The findings appear in the online issue of the journal Annals of Neurology. Scientists look at short-term memory NASHVILLE, -- U.S. researchers say humans remember more faces than other objects, allowing us to "package" them in our short-term memory in a more efficient manner. "Our results show that we can store more faces than other objects in our visual short-term memory," said Vanderbilt University Associate Professor Isabel Gauthier. "We believe this happens because of the special way in which faces are encoded." Kim Curby, the study's primary author and a post-doctoral researcher at Yale University, likens such encoding to packing a suitcase. "How much you can fit in a bag depends on how well you pack it," she said. "In the same way, our expertise in 'packaging' faces means that we can remember more of them." The researchers say short-term memory is crucial to our impression of a continuous world, serving as temporary storage for infor- mation that we are currently using. For example, in order to understand this sentence, short-term memory will remem- ber the words in the beginning while it is read through to the end. The findings, part of Curby's dissertation at Vanderbilt, are available in the journal Psychonomic Bulletin and Review. Nicotine spurs blood vessel growth STANFORD, Calif., -- A team of U.S. and German scientists has determined nicotine can spur the growth of new blood vessels by activating endothelial precursor cells. Such cells, a form of adult stem cells, have been shown to grow new blood vessels in animals. The growth of blood vessels can play a role in tobacco-related diseases, such as tumor, plaque, and eye disease. Researchers at Stanford University and in Frankfurt, Germany, sought to determine whether nicotine can cause bone marrow to release endothe- lian precursor cells into the blood to help form new vessels. The scientists administered nicotine to mice to see if new blood vessels could form around a blockage of a vessel in a hind leg. A portion of the new blood vessels were composed of cells from the bone marrow. Researchers say understanding the mechanism of their finding might yield new therapies for diseases of abnormal or insuffi- cient vessel growth. The study is detailed in the current issue of The Journal of the American College of Cardiology. Male circumcision cuts STD risks CHRISTCHURCH, New Zealand, -- A New Zealand study suggests uncircumcised males have a three times higher risk of con- tracting sexually transmitted diseases than do uncircumcis- ed males. The 25-year study, which started in 1977, monitor- ed a cohort of 500 subjects from infancy through early adulthood. The study was designed to determine if circumcis- ed males were more susceptible to STDs than were uncircum- cised males. "What we found was that uncircumcised males had a risk of sexually transmitted diseases which were about three times higher than circumcised males," said David Fergusson of the Christchurch School of Medicine and Health Services, the lead author of the study, the Penn State Collegian reported. The researchers say their findings sug- gested male circumcision might reduce the risk of STD acquisition and transmission by as much as 50 percent. While the association between circumcision and major STDs, such as HIV, was solid, Fergusson said there was less of a link between circumcision and less severe infections such as gonorrhea and herpes. The study appeared in the November issue of the journal Pediatrics. British scientists study nystagmus LEICESTER, England, -- Scientists at Britain's University of Leicester have identified a gene that causes nystagmus, a distressing eye disease. Nystagmus causes the eyes to move in an uncontrollable manner, so people with the con- dition cannot keep their eyes still. Nystagmus can be congenital or acquired later in life due to neurological disease. Professor Irene Gottlob, director of the university's ophthalmology group, said: "The discovery of this gene will make a genetic test for idiopathic X-linked nystagmus possible. So far it has not been understood what the causes of nystagmus are. The discovery of the gene will lead to greater understanding about the protein which is abnormal in nystagmus." The researchers are also investiga- ting other eye movement problems, such those related to schizophrenia and amblyopia. The research findings are explained in the journal Nature Genetics. Mutated gene causes pancreatic cancer SEATTLE, -- U.S.-led scientists have found a mutated form of the gene Palladin causes familial pancreatic cancer, perhaps explaining why the disease is so deadly. Research- ers, led by Dr. Teri Brentnall, a University of Washington associate professor of medicine, said pancreatic cancer is the fourth leading cause of cancer deaths overall, and third-leading cause of cancer deaths for people aged 40 to 60 years in the United States. Most people with the disease die within a year of diagnosis; about 95 percent of the remainder of patients die within five years. Researchers estimate at least 10 percent of all pancreatic cancer cases are inherited. The discovery also reveals the Palladin gene behaves abnormally in both the hereditary and non-hereditary, or sporadic, forms of pancreatic cancer. In the case of pan- creatic cancer, Brentnall said a mutation in Palladin allows the cell to move much more quickly than normal, essentially invading the surrounding, healthy tissue. Other team members included researchers from the universities of Pittsburgh and North Carolina at Chapel Hill; the Cleveland Clinic; and the London School of Medicine and Dentistry. The study appears in the journal PLoS Medicine. *****Fred.....The Ole Fritbear!!!*****  **** Reader's Submissions **** Rainbow Bridge Special Report,, Gizzy Tinker and Poo, and Gang
We all was
setting here, talking about the Christmas plans being worked up. A
few was thinking about joining in on the music this year. Hope that
nuttie bunch of Ma Bakers don't know about it, last year they about
wrecked things so bad. The Angels got a bit up set with Festus and
Josey. They sing off key you know.
Up the
lane came this little guy. Poo spoke up first,, said,, " Hey that has
to be a Peke, look at that gate, only a Peke has that rolling
gate." Well sure enough, it is a Peke, A golden color got some
black streaks,, and a little white on the chest. What a show stopper.. and
the black face, no problem seeing the pure Peke in this guy,
Well we
got him to come our way. and we helped him get checked in. One of
the Dollie Angels came with a blanket, and the rug, his special bowls, and
towels. brush, and combs,, things he will need you know.
We told
him he was more then welcome to join our special gang. Of course we
have many of all types in our gang.. We got a Duke mix. We have some big
guys, and gals, then there is little guys, and gals, and all in
between. We all work together, play together, just have as good a
time as we can together, while waiting for you slow pokes getting
here.
Any ways
we found out his name is Gizzy, Poo said you know he looks like a
Gizzmo. I told him shut up, after all he got that name because
.. just like he got the name Poo for some reason. Gizzy said his lady
Leeuna was such a nice loving person. he hated to leave, but he got orders
to report here, and some times well, guess God knows best. They had
six wonderful years together.
Leeuna,,
we know your, going to miss this little guy, who wouldn't.. we can see that he
was a live wire while with you. He just has that Peke trait. always
looking into whats this?
And
he finds out, those big eyes take in every thing. He already got a couple
Angels drawing straws as to who gets to hold him first, and gets the
job of brushing out the tangles in his long hair from the trip
over.
Do not
stand by my grave too long, remember me yes in your heart. I am here in
the land of never grow old, I have no aches, just a little heart ache,
wishing you were here, and we could run together once again. But I know
some day you too will come running up the lane, my little bow legs
will churn faster then ever to greet you. I will set here with the others,
and look and wait, no matter how long it may be for you to get
here.
In the time waiting, remember I am well taken
care of, I have all these doing the same. We all play together, lay
around, have get together parties every day for ones coming home.
And I get to meet all the others of this gang. You know there is a couple
of then that is world famous. Well like me Gizzy, I am famous you
know, I belonged to a lady, name of Leeuna Foster. I will come calling in a
dream now and then, I am not far away, as long as you think of me.
Remember this. I am with the man called Jesus, and if you have Jesus
in your heart, there too am I.
 **** ON THIS DAY **** SIMPLE WHITE
ENVELOPE
It's just a small white envelope stuck among the branches of our Christmas tree. No name, no identification, no inscription. It has peeked through the branches of our tree for the past 10 years or so. It all began because my husband Mike hated Christmas -- oh, not the true meaning of Christmas, but the commercial aspects of it -- the overspending, the frantic running around at the last minute to get a tie for Uncle Harry and the dusting powder for Grandma -- the gifts given in desperation because you couldn't think of anything else. Knowing he felt this way, I decided one year to bypass the usual shirts, sweaters, ties, and so forth. I reached for something special just for Mike. The inspiration came in an unusual way. Our son Kevin, who was 12 that year, was wrestling at the junior level at the school he attended. Shortly before Christmas, there was a non-league match against a team sponsored by an inner-city church. These youngsters, dressed in sneakers so ragged that shoestrings seemed to be the only thing holding them together, presented a sharp contrast to our boys in their spiffy blue and gold uniforms and sparkling new wrestling shoes. As the match began, I was alarmed to see that the other team was wrestling without headgear, a kind of light helmet designed to protect a wrestler's ears. It was a luxury the ragtag team obviously could not afford. Well, we ended up walloping them. We took every weight class. And as each of their boys got up from the mat, he swaggered around in his tatters with false bravado, a kind of street pride that couldn't acknowledge defeat. Mike, seated beside me, shook his head sadly, "I wish just one of them could have won," he said. "They have a lot of potential, but losing like this could take the heart right out of them." Mike loved kids -- all kids-- and he knew them, having coached little league football, baseball, and lacrosse. That's when the idea for his present came. That afternoon, I went to a local sporting goods store and bought an assortment of wrestling headgear and shoes and sent them anonymously to the inner-city church. On Christmas Eve, I placed the envelope on the tree, the note inside telling Mike what I had done and that this was his gift from me. His smile was the brightest thing about Christmas that year and in succeeding years. For each Christmas, I followed the tradition -- one year sending a group of mentally handicapped youngsters to a hockey game, another year a check to a pair of elderly brothers whose home had burned to the ground the week before Christmas, and on and on. The envelope became the highlight of our Christmas. It was always the last thing opened on Christmas morning, and our children, ignoring their new toys, would stand with wide-eyed anticipation as their dad lifted the envelope from the tree to reveal its contents. As the children grew, the toys gave way to more practical presents, but the envelope never lost its allure. The story doesn't end there. You see, we lost Mike last year due to cancer. When Christmas rolled around, I was still so wrapped in grief that I barely got the tree up. But Christmas Eve found me placing an envelope on the tree, and in the morning it was joined by three more. Each of our children, unbeknownst to the others, had placed an envelope on the tree for their dad. The tradition has grown and someday will expand even further with our grandchildren standing around the tree with wide-eyed anticipation watching as their fathers take down the envelope. Mike's spirit, like the Christmas spirit, will always be with us. May we all remember Christ, who is the reason for the season, and the true Christmas spirit this year and always. God Bless! -- pass this along to those friends and loved ones who you know are the givers who understand the true meaning of Thanksgiving and Christmas.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -19- Bill Carlisle, born Wakefield, KY 1908. Grand Ole Opry member. Inducted CMHF 2002. Little Jimmy Dickens, born James Cecil Dickens, Bolt, WV 1920. Member Grand Ole Opry. Inducted CMHF 1983. Uncle Dave Macon debuted on WSM in 1925. John McEuen "Nitty Gritty Dirt Band," born in California 1945. Janie Fricke born "Jane Frickie," near South Whitney, IN 1947. Hank Williams played the last show of his career at Austin's "Skyline Club" 1952. Hank worked the show as a single (without his band.) University of Texas student, Justin Tubb was in the audience, and met Hank backstage after the show. Hank died a few days later. Hank Locklin's "Let Me Be The One," topped the charts 1953. Marty Robbins released "Tennessee Toddy/Mean Mama Blues" 1955. Sammi Smith's "Help Me Make It Through The Night," charted 1970. Lynn Anderson's #1 single "Rose Garden" debuted on Billboard's Top 40 Chart 1970. Dolly Parton's movie "9 to 5" premiered in 1980. Johnny Paycheck shot a man in Hillsboro, OH 1985. He served two years in an Ohio prison, prior to being pardoned by the Governor of Ohio. David Cobb, WSM deejay and Grand Ole Opry announcer, died 1988. Johnny Cash was hospitalized, and heart bypass surgery was performed at Baptist Hospital in Nashville 1988. Terri Clark's #1 hit "You're Easy On The Eyes" charted on Billboard's Top 40 in 1998. Marion Worth, age 64, died Nashville, TN 1999. Member Grand Ole Opry. Roebuck "Pops" Staples, age 84, member of the gospel group "The Staples Singers," died in 2000, as the result of a fall. Waylon Jennings' left foot was amputated in Phoenix, AZ 2001. Areta McReynolds, wife of Grand Ole Opry star Jim McReynolds, died from a heart attack in 2002. **** COUNTRY
MUSIC NEWS **** APPETIZER VEGGIE
WREATH
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