This guy drives up to his house and where he parks is full  
of snow. So he parks in a nearby parking lot and walks back  
home to shovel out a car-sized space in front of his house.  
It takes hours to shovel, but finally done, he walks back to  
the lot to get his car. When he returns home, he finds that  
the space has been taken by some other car. He is, well,  
upset.  

What most people do is write nasty notes etc. and place them  
on the windshield of the offending vehicle. Police sometimes  
get involved however, when the individual vents his wrath in  
somewhat more violent means. Tires and throats have been  
slashed over this. This guy decides to get creative. Instead  
of doing the usual nasty, he got out his garden hose and  
watered the automobile down, real well. I mean, very, very  
thoroughly. The water of course froze solid. When the owner  
returned, instead of a car, he found a car-sized Popsicle.  

The note on the car read: "You want the space?
Here, it's  
yours until spring!" 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping  
would be a snap if only she would organize her time better.  

Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice  
while his wife was away. When I popped in one evening to see  
how he was managing, and he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted  
it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards,  
scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had  
a bath."  

I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager  
than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making  
the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer  
before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do  
all the rest." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Robert Gates, the new Secretary of Defense, was sworn in  
today, and during his speech he thanked his 93-year-old  
mother. After the speech, Gates' 93-year-old mother told  
her boy to go out there and kick the Kaiser's ass."  
 --Conan O'Brien 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
"Here's good news, I guess: New York City has banned trans  
fat from fast foods. Don't worry, you can still get E Coli."  
 --Dave Letterman 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I read this in the wall street journal today: The new trend  
in Christmas cards this year are 'DVD cards' – instead of a  
letter about your family and what you did this year, you put  
your yearly memories on a DVD which I really enjoy getting,  
you know why? They make great coasters." --Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"But how about Christmas? It's exciting, isn't it? Isn't it?  
I was up shopping at Bloomingdale's today and I was in the  
elevator and they were playing – Kenny G was playing in the  
elevator and I gave him a nice tip." --Dave Letterman   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Over 250 people got sick after eating at an Indiana Olive  
Garden restaurant. People are afraid this will ruin Indiana's  
reputation for fine Italian food." --Conan O'Brien   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The White House has hired a new pastry chef. The uncomfor-  
table thing is that he was also hired to be the Secretary  
of Defense." --Conan O'Brien  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Rocky 6 is now in the theater. Don't kid yourself, Rocky is  
getting old. In this movie he climbs into the ring and says,  
'What am I in here for?'" --Dave Letterman  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"According to a study, they found common words used by  
happy people are, joy, love and hopeful. And they also  
found common words used by other people to describe happy  
people. Annoying, irritating, obnoxious..." --Jay Leno  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I  
discovered that it had not been one of my wife's better  
days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.  

By 7 p.m., things had not changed, so I suggested I go  
outside, pretend I had just gotten home, and start all over  
again. My wife agreed.  

I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, an-  
nounced, "Honey, I'm home!"  

"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply. "It's  
after seven o'clock!"  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sam and Ruth from Maine had just bought a new car when winter  
hit with all its fury. "I wonder if the car has seat warmers,"  
Ruth wondered.  

"It sure does," said Sam, looking through the owner's manual.  
"Here it is...rear defrosters."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"According to a U.N. report, methane gas from cows is more  
damaging to the environment than automobile emissions. See,  
this explains why Al Gore has put on so much weight. He is  
single-handedly trying to rid the world of cows one cheese-  
burger at a time." --Jay Leno   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Searching through row upon row of Christmas trees, my husband  
Norm and I finally picked one we liked. Then I noticed the  
one being held by a woman nearby; "the" perfect tree. But, it  
was in her hands, not mine!  

I watched as she carried it around the lot and couldn't  
believe my eyes when she set it aside.  

I ditched ours and ran over to grab the coveted tree.  

"Aren't we lucky?" I said to Norm. "But I do feel a little  
guilty for taking it before she could change her mind. hee  
hee"  

"Don't worry," he replied.  

"She just ran over and snatched ours."   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My very first job was cabin leader at our church youth camp. On my second night, one of my eleven-year-old campers developed a severe case of homesickness and cried most of the night, despite my best efforts to console her. In the morning she had red, swollen eyes, stomach pain and a raging headache, so I wearily took her to see the camp nurse. After a brief look at the unhappy child, she handed me three Tylenol. Even to my inexperienced mind, that seemed a lot for a eleven-year-old, and I gave the nurse a surprised look. "No, no, dear," she quickly explained. "One for her, two for you!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A painter dropped in to discuss with a business acquaintance of mine some renovations he was doing to her house. When he asked her what texture paint she would like on her bedroom walls, she said she'd like something in "low lust."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas. Some insist on a shirt; others a pair of socks, and the argument always ends in a tie.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the aftermath of World War II, a former German soldier immigrated to the United States and became a farmer. About a year later, he wrote home to his brother to say that he had decided to apply for American citizenship. His brother wrote back, asking, "How could you do such a thing? Why would you want to become a citizen of a country which had twice fought against Germany? The man replied, "Are you jealous because we won both wars?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My sister and I started a wallpapering and painting business, and had the company name, WOMEN DO IT NEATER, painted on the side of our van.

One day our family car broke down, so I used the van to take mom and her friend shopping. As I was helping the two grey-haired ladies down the steps, I heard one passerby say to another, I wonder how they ever climb the ladders.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My son's teacher was explaining the freezing process to his twelfth grade class and mentioned that his grandfather, a few days before, had told him he beat frost by watering his vegetables just before nightfall. One of his students looked at him. "I don't believe it!" he exclaimed.

Ready to defend the technique, he asked him what he didn't believe.

"That your grandfather's still alive," the astonished boy replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A new client came into the law office where I work as a legal secretary to put his affairs in order. The reason he decided to have a will prepared, he said, was because his new job meant he would be flying overseas. I confidently stated that it was much safer to fly than it was to drive.

"That's reassuring to hear," he said, "because I'm a pilot."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to  
her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative  
state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.  
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."  

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of my beer!   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Employee Gift"
 
A new pastor, eager to make sure the church's employees would like him, called them together shortly before Christmas Day and told them that each of them would receive a turkey.
"In fact," he added, "as long as I'm around, you will always have a turkey."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Desparate Measures" 
 
Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Johnny, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead." After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.
      
Dear Jesus,       
I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.      
Your Friend,
Little Johnny
      
Now Little Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (Brat).
So, he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.
      
Dear Jesus,
I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.
Yours Truly,
Little Johnny
      
Well, Little Johnny knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again.
      
Dear Jesus,
I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a new bicycle?
 
Signed,
Little Johnny
      
Well, Little Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother was really wanting. He crumpled up the letter and threw it in the trash can and went running outside.    
He aimlessly wandered about; depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considering his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church.
Little Johnny went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Little Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home hid it under his bed and wrote this letter.
      
Jesus,
I've broken most of the Ten Commandments; shot spit wads in school, tore up my sister's Barbie doll and lots more. I'm desperate. I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike.
Signed,

You know who
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Love"

**** HEALTH NEWS ****

Prosthesis for those without vocal cords  

AMSTERDAM, Netherlands, -- Dutch otolaryngologist Marein van  
der Torn hopes to develop a prosthesis that will improve the  
voice of people who have lost their vocal cords. Sometimes  
the larynx, containing the vocal cords, needs to be surgi-  
cally removed in throat cancer patients. Since the 1980s  
such patients have learned to speak again with the help of  
a small silicone rubber valve placed between their trachea  
and esophagus. The valve enables them to use the uppermost  
sphincter of their esophagus as a sort of vocal chord. How-  
ever, this alternative voice sounds often gruff and is lower  
than the natural voice. Female patients in particular find  
the low pitch troublesome. Together with the University of  
Groningen, Van der Torn and colleagues at the Free University  
in Amsterdam developed a new type of valve that produces its  
own vocal sound. That sound is produced by a small silicone  
rubber flap in the valve, which acts as an artificial vocal  
chord; one flap was developed for female voices and one for  
male voices. The new prosthesis is not yet ready for use,  
since the silicone rubber flap is easily impaired by tough  
mucus coughed up by the majority of patients.   

Some stents may cause allergic reactions  

CHICAGO, -- Northwestern Memorial Hospital researchers in  
Chicago say they've discovered some drug-eluting stents  
can cause serious allergic reactions. The scientists stress  
that physicians and their patients should be aware of this  
potential and know the symptoms. "This paper provides  
evidence for the first time that instances of allergic re-  
actions, presumably to the polymer in the stent, can occur,"  
said study co-author Dr. Charles Bennett, an NMH epidemi-  
ologist and oncologist. "In some instances, these events  
have serious consequences- including stent closure and sub-  
sequent death." Investigators from 10 centers around the  
country reviewed 5,783 reports from April 2003 through  
December 2004 for hypersensitivity-like reactions associated  
with drug-eluting stents. From those reports, researchers  
identified 17 cases of hypersensitivity reactions that were  
classified as probably or certainly caused by the stent,  
four of which resulted in death. Symptoms included diffi-  
culty breathing, rash, itching and fever. They also con-  
cluded the polymer coating on the stent itself is the most  
probable cause of hypersensitivity in the majority of cases,  
rather than the medications the stent is coated with.   

CHRISTMAS TREE BARK MAY HELP FIGHT ARTHRITIS  

Finnish scientists say anti-inflammatory compounds found in  
bark from Scotch pines, widely used as Christmas trees, may  
help fight arthritis. They say the compounds, which show  
promise in cell studies, are likely to be found in other  
pine species as well. The compounds, called phenolics, are  
a class of highly active plant chemicals tied to beneficial  
health effects, say the authors of the study published in  
the Journal of Agricultural and Food Chemistry. "In the  
future, this may mean that people with arthritis may ease  
their pain by eating food supplements made from Christmas  
trees," says study leader Kalevi Pihlaja, a chemistry  
professor at the University of Turku.  




*****Fred.....The Ole Fritbear!!!*****
I do not mean to offend.  IF you choose not to red this or not to pass it n, jst delete it.  -  Fred

**** Reader's Submissions ****

"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four, unless there are three other people."

Orson Welles