Archives at Zinester: The Daily Funnies. The Funnies. Humor & Jokes

Subject: The Daily Funnies - January08, 2007

From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.

Welcome to The Funnies

"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
These are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG
An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything.

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his
wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear
Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He
arose,cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes,fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping,then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was
already 1pm and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their
homework,then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing . At 4.30pm he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded
laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9pm he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through with out complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! oh! please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you
have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Britney Spears's manager is denying reports that Britney
passed out on New Years Eve and instead says she was ex-
hausted and fell asleep after leading the New Years Eve
countdown. When asked why she was so tired, Britney said:
Countin' is hard!'" --Conan O'Brien
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Pat Robertson says that God told him personally that a major
terrorist attack will happen in the United States in 2007.
God says that's not true and whenever Pat calls he lets the
answering machine get it." --Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"This is true he is broken up with his girlfriend Cameron
Diaz. The Hollywood buzz apparently is she was too old for
him. This has caused a lot of excitement in Hollywood. This
breakup has made Demi Moore very nervous. She's doubled
Ashton's allowance so you know it is serious."
--Criag Ferguson
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The autumn I was eight months pregnant with our first child,
we moved into a new community. Soon after our arrival, a
lady came to the door one day collecting for charity as well
as looking for more canvassers. I told her to ask me again
next year. A year later the woman returned, but again I was
eight months pregnant. With a chuckle, she promised to try
another time.

Somehow I missed her the following autumn, and she came
instead in February, canvassing for another charity and
hoping to get more volunteers. She looked at my bulging
form in disbelief and exclaimed, "Every time I come here,
you're pregnant!'

"I know," I agreed. "Please don't come any more."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie
popped up out of his ashtray.

"And what will your third wish be?"

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be
getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish
yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your
second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was
before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing,
because everything is the way it was before you made any
wishes. You now have one wish left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the
heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to
know what's going on inside their heads."

"Sheesh! I wish you'd make up your mind," said the genie as
it granted his wish and disappeared forever, "That was your
first wish, too!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Also a great day for Britney Spears cause I read in the
news today that she is going to a 'spa.' Remember last
week she was 'tired.' Now she gets to 'relax' in a 'spa.'
I was once sent to 'relax' in a 'spa.' It was after I got
'tired' by waking up in a 'dumpster.'" --Criag Ferguson
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"This week, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was
released from the hospital after breaking his leg. Doctors
say Arnold's leg will be broken for two months and his
English will be broken forever." --Conan O'Brien
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a
comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in
an infantile fantasy land where every problem can be solved
with violence." --Bill Maher
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was having trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was
oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found
a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead.

"Have you seen this?" I indignantly asked my husband.

"What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Proper attire is required in the cafeteria at the University
of Maine. To enforce that rule, the management posted this
notice: "Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria."

Next to it, a student added, "Socks can eat wherever they
want."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Subject: The Genie & The Cowboy

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texasplains without water.His horse has already died of thirst.He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress.There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an IRS genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story:

If the government offers you anything,
there's going to be a string attached.
~~~~~~~~~~BaBs~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just a bad day

A photographer from a well-known national magazine was assigned to cover
the recent fires. When the photographer arrived, he realized that the
smoke was so thick that it would make it impossible to photograph
anything from ground level.

He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air and
was told to report to a nearby airport, where a single engine plane
would be waiting for him.

When he arrived at the airport a plane was warming up near the gate.He
jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the
plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.

The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low
passes so I can take some pictures - I need some close-up shots."

The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "So, you're
telling me you're not the flight instructor?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wal-Mart announced plans to help the federal government
balance its budget deficet. Wal-Mart is introducing
a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger
label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time
old people figurs out how to open it, they will kick the bucket.
Spokesmen for Wal-Mart say the new bottle will help to balance
the budget for Social Security.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men vs. Women, the battle continues...

A French teacher was explaining to her
class that in French, unlike English, nouns
are designated as either masculine or feminine.

House is feminine "la maison," ou
Pencil is masculine "le crayon."

A student asked, "What gender is a computer?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split
the class into two groups -male and female-
and asked them to decide for themselves whether
"computer" should be a masculine or a feminine
noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons
for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should
definitely be of the feminine gender (la computer) because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The
native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later review; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine
(le
computer) because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They
have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are
supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The young woman really thought she'd been very patient through
a protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage.
One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant.
As he perused the menu, he casually asked her, "So . . . how
do you like your rice? Boiled? Or fried?"
Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and
replied clearly, "Thrown."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OLDIE
Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to
take a CPR course. We used the well known mannequin victim,
Resusci-Annie, to practice. Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie
was only a torso to allow for storage in a carrying case. The class went
off in groups to practice.

As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked,
"Are you all right?"

He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing.
Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She said she can't
feel her legs!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Ain't It The Truth"

Most people deserve each other.
All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.
The one who snores will fall asleep first.
The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to
the amount of money spent on the wedding.
The gifts you buy your spouse are never as good and
apropos as the gifts your neighbor buys their spouse.
Never get overly excited about a man/woman by just the
way they look from behind.
If you help a relative in need, he/she will remember
you the next time they are in need.
The probability of meeting someone you know increases
greatly when you are out with someone you do not want
to be seen with.
Toothaches always start on Friday night right before
the weekend when the Dental Office will be closed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I worked for the security department of a large retail store, my
duties included responding to fire and burglar alarms. A side door of
the building was wired with a security alarm, because it was not
supposed to be used by customers. Nevertheless they found the
convenience of the exit tempting. Even a sign with large red letters,
warning "Alarm will sound if opened," failed to deter people from using
it. One day, after attending to a number of shrieking alarms, I placed a
small handmade sign on the door that totally eliminated the problem:
"Wet paint."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says,
"Would you like to dance?"
The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I
did, I wouldn't dance with you."
The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me,
I said you look fat in those pants."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One night a teenage girl brought her new boy-
friend home to meet her parents, and they were
appalled by his appearance: leather jacket,
motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside
and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the
mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very
nice."

"Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice,
why would he be doing 5000 hours of community
service?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
David and Bernice had just given their teenage daughter
family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned
home very late from a party.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to
get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning.
At 11:30am the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen,
and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you
get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one,
I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my
paper under the front tire of the car."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sheila and I just celebrated our thirtieth wedding anniversary. Somebody asked her what our secret was. She answered, "On my wedding day, I decided to make a list of ten of Tim's faults which, for the sake of our marriage, I would always overlook. I figured I could live with at least ten!" When she was asked which faults she had listed, Sheila replied, "I never did get around to listing them. Instead, every time he does something that makes me mad, I simply say to myself, 'Lucky for him, it's one of the ten!'"

SUBSCRIBE RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
You can join The Funnies
IT'S FREE
To subscribe, Click on link below
25438-subscribe@zinester.com
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

I had put in an 18-hour day at work and was upset to find my four-year-old Zack asleep in bed with my husband when I got home. Zack squirms so much it is impossible to get a decent night's sleep when he is with us. Exhausted, I collapsed into his bed instead, where I slept

better than I had in years.

The next morning, I asked my husband, "Why was Zack in bed with you?"

"Oh," he replied, shrugging, "he wet his bed, and I was too tired to change his sheets."

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers,and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.

"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.

"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.

"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook..."

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

Preacher's wife to preacher as he leaves for Sunday service:

Remember! Don't call anyone a sinner until AFTER the collection...

A peculiar posting appeared one day on the company bulletin board:

Used tombstone for sale..Ideal for someone named Murphy.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Things that make you go Hmmm....

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

"Instructions For Life"

Measure people by the size of their hearts, not the size of their bank accounts.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Cousin Elly is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it. Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready."

A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.

"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

The ultimate list of excuses:

-----------------------------------

I'd love to but...

I want to spend more time with my blender.

The man on television told me to say tuned.

It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.

I'm building a pig from a kit.

There's a disturbance in the Force.

I'm attending the opening of my garage door.

I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.

It's too close to the turn of the century.

I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.

I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.

I promised to help a friend fold road maps.

I'm trying to be less popular.

I have to study for a blood test.

I have to rotate my crops.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

For over 40 years, my grandfather put in long hours at his job, so I was more than a little curious about the way he filled his days since his retirement."How has life changed?" I asked.

A man of few words, he replied, "Well, I get up in the morning with nothing to do, and I go to bed at night

with it half-done."

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

In a misguided burst of creativity, I installed a night-light=20

into a conch shell I found on the beach. My wife took an=20

instant dislike to it, and at the next yard sale, it was=20

the first thing she put out.

I felt vindicated when a woman kept coming back to check it out and finally bought it.

"That'll look great in your home," I said.

"Oh," she replied. "It's not for me." My bridge club is having a charity sale, and we were asked to bring the most hideous thing we can find. What I have here is a winner!"

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Liz goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it.

Liz walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings."

"I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist.

"Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

" There is so much good in the worst of us,

and so much bad in the best of us,

that it ill behooves any of us to find

fault with the rest of us."

--James Truslow Adams

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

"I Wish I Was A Bear"

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate.

You do nothing but sleep for six months.

I could get used to that.

And another thing; before you hibernate,

you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.

That wouldn't bother me either.

If you're a mama bear,

everyone knows you mean business;

you swat anyone who bothers your cubs.

If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too.

Your husband expects you to growl when you wake up.

He expects you to have hairy legs and excess

I wish I were a bear.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

We all know the world is so materialistic, and spends money they do not

have to buy things they do not need for people they do not like. Yet,

there is a remnant of people who always buy but never get. It is for

those of us who feel left out that there should be a Festifus For The

Restofus Holiday, just to relieve the tension we feel.

Festifus For The Restofus members would get together and share

experiences of ungrateful friends who send vulcanized fruit cakes,

recycled presents, or never sent thank-you cards. We could have monthly newsletters blacklisting spiteful ingrates, have secret hand shakes, and decoder rings. We would call our Doormat Friend-Of-The-Month just to tell him how much we appreciate him and give him secret Festofus For The Restofus parties.

If you agree there should be a Festifus For the Restofus Holiday, call

your congressman and ask him to propose this for a national holiday.

People would have a paid holiday, children would get out of school, and

banks would close.

--Lawrence Brotherton

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Kristen was discussing the Kinsey Report in college when an

interesting statistic arose. By age 19, 80% of males and 30%

of females are sexually active. A question came up as to

whom the 80% were sleeping with if only 30% of the female

population was active. The professor simply replied: "You

know those girls y'all refer to as 'sluts'?"

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Steve was telling me that even though he considers himself a

*strong* wimp, was dismayed the he couldn't lift the 35 pound

barbell in the Sporting Good area. He tried but just simply

couldn't lift it. So he tried the *5* pound bar -- and *still*

couldn't budge it. Really depressed at his own physical

strength he says, "That's when I realized they bars had been

BOLTED to the display . . . "

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

True Story right from the Associated Press:

Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws. While there, she

went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows

rolled up, her eyes closed, and both hands behind the back of

One customer who had been at the store for a while became

concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's

eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked

her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in

the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car

because the doors were locked, and Linda refused to remove

her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of

bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making

a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough

hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find

out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her

She had initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to

hold her brains in for over an hour-until someone noticed and

came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

A woman goes into her lawyers office requesting a divorce. He is taking all of her background information and asks her, "Do you have

grounds for a divorce?"

To which she replies, "Well, we have three acres."

"No, ma'am. What I mean is, does he beat you up?" asks the attorney.

"No, I get up around 6:30 and he sleeps until 7:00," she responds.

Feeling a little frustrated the attorney asks, "Lady, tell me, do you

Looking very confident she states, "No, we have a carport."

At this point the lawyer has lost his patience and asks, "Look, Lady.

Why the hell do you want a divorce?"

"Because he can't hold an intelligent conversation!"

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

And ... today's final thought ......

So much of the time, I believe, we have much more room for activity

and doing in our lives, but in some way convince ourselves we're just

too busy. Too busy to talk with a friend, too busy to plant flowers,

too busy to try something that we've always wanted to do. The list

goes on and on. But the truth is that when we are imbalanced by not

honoring what is best for us as individuals, even the most sedentary

lifestyle can seem stressful.

It doesn't have to be that way though. At this time of new

beginnings, perhaps it is time to have a renewed look at your dreams

and aspirations. Determine what you wish to do, and what elements may

be missing in your life that would give you the sense of balance and

fullness once enjoyed. It is these things, sometimes very small, that

will give you the sense of happiness if any can.

Choose well to know your dreams!

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>>

This endeth today's edition of G G G!!! Hope you got a few chuckles and you enjoyed the "classics"
from the archives. Feel free to pass

any of the jokes you liked on to that special someone.

Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy

of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them

Remember,it is easier to get older

than it is to get wiser

See you next time .... and a reminder, if you drink, please don't drive!!!

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****

Parsons in intensive care

Former NASCAR champion has complications from lung cancer.

Story

Bobby Hamilton, longtime NASCAR driver, dies of cancer

By TERESA M. WALKER, AP Sports Writer

January 7, 2007

AP - Jan 7, 6:59 pm EST

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (AP) -- Bobby Hamilton, the longtime NASCAR driver who won the 2001 Talladega 500 and was the 2004 Craftsman Truck Series champion, died Sunday of cancer, said Liz Allison, a family friend who co-hosted a radio show with Hamilton. He was 49.

Hamilton was at home with his family when he died, said Allison, the widow of former NASCAR star Davey Allison.

``The thing I loved about Bobby Sr. so much is that he treated everybody the same,'' Allison said. ``It didn't matter if you were one of the drivers he competed against or a fan he'd never laid eyes on before.

``He didn't have a pretentious bone in his body. I think that's why people were drawn to him. He was just very real and had a way of relating to everyone.''

Hamilton was diagnosed with head and neck cancer in February. A malignant growth was found when swelling from dental surgery did not go down.

He raced in the season's first three events, with a best finish of 14th at Atlanta Motor Speedway, before turning over the wheel to his son, Bobby Hamilton Jr. The senior Hamilton then started chemotherapy and radiation treatment.

By August, he had returned to work at Bobby Hamilton Racing in Mount Juliet, about 20 miles east of Nashville, and doctors indicated his CAT scans looked good. But microscopic cancer cells remained on the right side of his neck.

``Cancer is an ongoing battle, and once you are diagnosed you always live with the thought of the disease in your body,'' Hamilton said in an article posted on NASCAR's Web site last month. ``It is the worst thing you could ever imagine.''

Hamilton, born in Nashville in 1957, drove in all of NASCAR's top three divisions, making 371 starts and winning four times in what is now the Nextel Cup series. He won 10 truck races and one Busch Series race.

``I love what I do; I love this business,'' he said in March 2006 when he disclosed that he had cancer. ``NASCAR has been good to me, and I just don't feel comfortable when I am not around it.''

Hamilton's Nextel Cup wins, in addition to Talladega, came at Phoenix, Rockingham and Martinsville. His best season was in 1996 when he finished ninth in the points standings. He won his first Cup race that year, at Phoenix.

Hamilton drove in the top-level NASCAR series from 1989-05, earning $14.3 million and racing to 20 top-five finishes.

He became a full-time driver-owner in the truck series in 2003.

Another NASCAR favorite, 1973 Winston Cup champion Benny Parsons, was diagnosed with cancer in his left lung in July. He was checked into intensive care last week at a North Carolina hospital

Subscribe Today: Home Delivery of USA TODAY - Save 35%

**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****
-7-

1/2 cup chopped onion
1/2 cup chopped green or red bell pepper, or a combination
2 garlic cloves, minced
2 teaspoons olive oil
1 1/2 pounds lean ground beef
3/4 cup oats (quick or old fashioned, uncooked)
1/2 cup tomato sauce or ketchup
1 egg, lightly beaten
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon pepper
3 slices provolone cheese, cut in half

Topping:
1 large onion, thinly sliced
1 large green or red bell pepper, or a combination, thinly sliced
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon olive oil

Heat oven to 350 degrees F.

Cook onion, green pepper and garlic in oil in medium skillet until tender.

In large bowl, combine ground beef, oats, tomato sauce, egg, salt, pepper and onion-pepper-garlic mixture; mix lightly but thoroughly.

Shape mixture into 5-by-8-inch loaf on rack of broiler pan.

Bake 50-55 minutes or until center of meatloaf registers 160 degrees on an instant-read thermometer. Arrange cheese on top of loaf, overlapping slices; bake an additional 5 minutes or until cheese has melted. Let meatloaf stand 5 minutes before cutting.

Cook sliced onion, sliced peppers and salt in oil until tender.

To serve, cut meatloaf into slices; arrange slices on plate topped with onions and peppers.

Cake Layer:
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup (1/2 stick) cold unsalted butter, cut into bits
1 large egg

Cheese Layer:
8 ounces cream cheese, softened
2 tablespoons granulated sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 large egg (at room temperature)
1 teaspoon fresh lemon juice
1 tablespoon all-purpose flour
1/8 teaspoon salt

Additional ingredients
2 peaches
2 tablespoons granulated sugar, divided

Into a bowl, sift together flour, sugar, baking powder and salt. Add butter and combine the mixture until it resembles coarse meal. Add the egg; blend the mixture well and spread it onto the bottom of a 13 x 9-inch baking pan.

In a bowl with an electric mixer, beat together the cream cheese, sugar and vanilla extract until the mixture is combined well; add egg, lemon juice, flour and salt. Beat the mixture until it is smooth. Spread the mixture evenly over the batter.

Slice the peaches thin. Arrange them in one layer on top of the cheese layer and sprinkle the top with 1 tablespoon of the sugar. Bake the cheesecake in a preheated 350 degree F oven for 18 to 20 minutes, or until it is just golden. Sprinkle the cheesecake with the remaining 1 tablespoon sugar. Let it cool and cut it into 3 x 1-inch bars. Transfer the bars to a container, separated by sheets of wax paper.

The bars may be made 2 days in advance and kept in an airtight container, separated by sheets of wax paper and chilled.

Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed from various areas on the web