Archives at Zinester: The Daily Funnies. The Funnies. Humor & Jokes

From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.

Welcome to The Funnies

"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
These are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG
An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything.

Welcome New Subscribers
If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably
don't have any sense at all
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

THURSDAY JANUARY 11

THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Have you ever noticed that the people
who say "To make a long story short..." never actually do that?

I travelled with my parents to my aunt's funeral in a town a short distance away. Halfway there, Dad was pulled over for speeding. Mom quickly told Dad to tell the officer that we were on the way to his sister's funeral, but Dad refused to use that as an excuse. The officer took Dad's licence and car registration, and when he returned to the car and handed Dad the ticket, he said, "And my condolences, Mr. Higgins, on the death of your sister." Dad looked at him in amazement and asked how he knew of her death. "Well, sir," the officer explained, "we've already stopped two of your brothers and three of your nephews."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car Mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conservations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase .

You can open all of your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~EDIE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Authorities in Wisconsin are searching for the owner of a kangaroo after it was caught walking around outside in the frigid weather. That's got to be frustrating for the kangaroo. Walking around in freezing weather, knowing you have a pocket, but your hands are too short to put them in it." ~Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There were three American pilots captured by Germans in WWII. The
Germans thought up a way to make the pilots crack and tell what they
knew. They made them stand at attention, turn their heads from side to
side and say, "Tick - Tock", over and over.

After about three hours, one of the pilots cracked and started telling
all he knew, signing everything they put in front of him.

An hour later, the second pilot cracked and started confessing to things
that he didn't even do.

The third pilot was fighting hard not to crack. He was about half-way
cracked. He was turning his head to one side only and saying,
"Tick...Tick.. Tick..."

The German officer in charge went up to him and said,
"You thinks you iss so schmart, Yankee Boy !
But I'm telling you that vee haf vays to make you TOCK!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Garbage collectors were picking up our trash I had just put out as my wife walked back into our house. A particular barrel was very heavy. "Lady, we can't take this," one man called out. "It's way over the weight limit." My wife turned her eight-month-pregnant figure toward him. "It didn't seem that heavy when I carried it out." she said. Without another word, the man emptied the barrel into the truck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"There will be a lot of changes, I tell you, if Donald Trump
were president. Instead of getting bad intelligence from the
CIA, Trump would get bad intelligence from his barber."
--David Letterman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Murphy's Laws Of Parenting

A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first, the chicken
or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster.
A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have
nothing to do with tires.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Celibacy is not hereditary.
Familiarity breeds children.
For adult education, nothing beats children.
God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once and God
invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.
Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
Having children will turn you into your parents. If a child looks like
his father, that's heredity; if he looks like a
neighbor, that's environment.
If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and
look comfortable.
Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.
Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.
It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his
father.
It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know
as little as their parents.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch. Never lend
your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - actually
from Erma Bombeck
One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.
Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly
underpaid.
The best thing to spend on your children is time.
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also
turns to the left.
There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to
do it, or forbid your kids to do it.
Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.
You can learn many things from children...like how much patience you
have.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"France and Germany warned Iran this week not to pursue
their nuclear research program. In fact, France and Germany
warned Iran that if they didn't stop their program they
would, you know, warn them again." --Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate.
You do nothing but sleep for six months.
I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.
I could deal with that too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts)
while you are sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I
could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business.
You swat anyone who bothers your cubs.
If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.
I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling.
He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup...... I want to be a bear!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Recently while going through an airport during one of
his many trips,
President Bush encountered a man with long hair,
wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff.

President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't
you Moses?" The man never answered but just kept
staring ahead.Again the President said, "Moses!" in a
loud voice. The man just kept staring ahead, never
answering the president.

Soon a secret service agent came along and President
Bush grabbed him and said, "Doesn't this man look like
Moses to you?" The secret service agent agreed with
the President. "Well," said the President, "Every
time I say his name, he just keeps staring ahead and
refuses to speak. Watch!" Again, the President yelled,
"Moses!" and again the man stared ahead.

The secret service man went up to the man in the white
robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you
Moses?" The man leaned over and whispered, "Yes, I am
Moses." The secret service agent whispered back, "Why
don't you answer the President?"

Moses replied: " The last time I talked to a bush, I
spent 40 years wandering in the desert!.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman's guide to understanding men...

1. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These
men usually have jobs and bathe.

2. All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relation-
ship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even
retired General Schwartzkopf.

3. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel
important.

4. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

5. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is
usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches
from the door.

6. Men forget everything; women remember everything. Think
about it! How many women's sports use something called an
"instant replay?"

7. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying
with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they
grow up identifying with Barbie.

8. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on
record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

9. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've
never seen a man walk into a party and say, "Oh no, I'm so
embarrassed; I've got to get out of here. There's another
man wearing a black tuxedo."

10. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your
heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a
man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was shopping with my roommate, and I saw a humorous button
that said, "It might look like I'm doing nothing, but on a
cellular level, I'm quite busy."

I showed it to her, and her response was, "Oh, I should buy
that one, I'm always talking on mine."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Many years ago in the Appalachian Mountains, a young man named Hill left
home to become a spy. He spent years in training, learning languages
and memorizing codes.
       Finally, he was given a new identity and sent to an unnamed
foreign country. He lived there for many years and became quite
prominent in the government.     Periodically he was called on to
provide some information, but he was always careful not to endanger his
cover.
       At last he was called home. He retired to the mountains and is
now publishing his memoirs, "Making a Mole out of a Mountain Hill."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Patricia~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Old Man, the Boy, and the Donkey

An old man and a young boy were traveling through their village with their donkey. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk.

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying, "How awful to put such a load on a poor donkey."

The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you may as well just kiss your ass goodbye.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In an exhibition game a pitcher named Jackie Mitchell struck out Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig on six pitches. Such a feat would predict a great future in the major leagues, but the hurler never made it to the big time. You see, Jackie Mitchell was a girl.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You Might Be a Bad Cook If"

Your microwave display reads "TILT!"

You know dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.

Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.

Leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter.

Your kids know what exactly peas porridge in a crock pot nine days old tastes like. /Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.

Your family seems really interested in going to that restaurant that always has trouble passing the health inspection.

If the EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large bright red "biohazard" symbols.

When you BBQ two of your kids hold water guns and the third has the phone with 911 on speed-dial.

Pest control companies keep pestering you, wanting to buy and patent your recipe for candy Christmas cookies.

The smoke alarm beeps if you even walk near the stove.

Your family buys Rolaids, Pepto Bismal, and Tums in bulk.

Your homemade bread loaf can be used as a door stop.

The last time you tried to make toast the kitchen caught on fire.

Your apple pie bubbled over and ate the enamel off the bottom of the oven.

You make tuna noodle broccoli surprise for your roommate and the surprise is that it glows in the dark!

Your tuna noodle broccoli surprise melts plastic and silverware.

You used three boxes of scouring pads, a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, but that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan!

You look in a cookbook to find out how to boil water.

You call your mother to ask how long to boil cabbage to make cole slaw.

If anyone has ever broken a tooth while eating your homemade yogurt.

The family pets are no where to be found during dinner.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Drive Thru"

I rose this morn with much to do -
Hopped in the car and off I flew.

No time for breakfast, that I knew -
Glad "Dunkin DoNuts" has Drive Thru.

In need of dollars, quite a few -
Went to the bank teller's Drive Thru.

Then filled all my prescriptions too -
At "Pharmacy's" brand new Drive Thru.

Some bills to mail in box of blue -
Off to the "Post Office" Drive Thru.

Picked up the laundry cleaned anew -
Just stopped at "Suds & Duds" Drive Thru.

With lunchtime near, my tummy's queue -
Got a "Big Mac" from the Drive Thru.

The car by then was low on fuel -
Full serve at "Shell", just Drive on Thru.

And when they fill the tank for you -
Your car's washed free - in their Drive Thru.

Library books were overdue -
The curbside slot is a Drive Thru.

Then videos must go back too -
"Blockbuster" has their own Drive Thru.

In need of milk and bread, I knew -
I stopped at "Dairymaid's" Drive Thru.

The family asked "Please, can we do -
The "Drive In" show when dinner's thru???"

Nancy Ness

**** Quickies ****

Between tomorrow's dream and yesterday's regret is today's opportunity.
~
Good friends are like good quilts. They never loose their warmth.
~
Why did the gum cross the road? -it was stuck to the chickens
foot!
~
When you live by yourself, all your annoying habits are gone.

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**** ON THIS DAY ****

"Bathrooms and Baptists"

There is this rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant especially in language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for reservation.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old fashioned term "bathroom commode." But when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter and referred to the bathroom commode as the "B.C." "Does the campground have its own B.C.?" is what she actually wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn't old fashioned at all and when he got the letter he just couldn't figure out what the old woman was talking about. That "B.C." business really stumped him. After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the camp owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam,

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located 9 miles north of the campground, and is capable of seating 250 people at the same time. It is located at a beautiful pine grove and is open only on Sundays and Wednesdays. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunch along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. My daughter met her husband in the B.C.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it was so crowded, we had to stand up the whole time we were there. Sometimes it is so crowded, there are 5 to a seat. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C.

I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely due to the lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in the cold weather.

If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit you down and introduce you to all the other folks. We will be sure to have a seat up front where you can be seen by everyone. Remember, we are a friendly community.

Sincerely yours, (The campground owner)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent. I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.

Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****

-11-

Tommy Duncan front man for Bob Wills' Texas Playboys, born Hillsboro, TX 1911.

Goldie Hill born "Argolda Voncile" Kanes County, TX 1933.

Naomi Judd, born "Diana Ellen Judd" Ashland, KY 1946.

Lefty Frizzell recorded "I Want To Be With You Always" his first #1 single 1951.

Teddy Wilburn was sworn into the U. S. Army 1952.

Robert Earl Keen, singer/songwriter, born Houston, TX 1956.

Johnny Cash and June Carter recorded "Jackson" 1967.

Capitol Records released Buck Owens' single "Bridge Over Troubled Waters" 1971.

The Glen Campbell "Goodtime Hour" featured guests, Merle Haggard, Buck Owens, and Johnny Cash 1972.

John Denver's #1 hit "Sweet Surrender" debuted on Billboard's Top 40 chart 1975.

Don Williams' "Tulsa Time" topped the charts 1979.

The soundtrack for "Coal Miners Daughter" certified Gold 1982.

Mel McDaniel joined the Grand Ole Opry 1986.

Kenny Rogers' album "Heart of the Matter" certified gold 1986.

Ralph Emery conducted an interview with Keith Whitley, on Ralph's syndicated radio show in 1989. Keith died a few weeks later as a result of a cocaine and alcohol overdose.

Garth Brooks' single "Unanswered Prayers" topped the charts, becoming his fourth #1 hit 1991.

Toby Keith's album "Shock 'N Y'all" was certified 3 x platinum 2004.

Jimmy Griffin, age 61, singer/songwriter, died Nashville, TN 2005.

**** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

Carrie Underwood reaches 5 million

Wednesday, January 10, 2007 � Carrie Underwood has gone quintuple-platinum for sales of 5 million units of her "Some Hearts" debut. The record-setting milestone earned Underwood the fastest 5x platinum certification of any female country debut in history.

"Some Hearts" is the best-selling, single-disc country album by a solo artist (male or female) in the last six years - since Tim McGraw??�s "Greatest Hits" released in November 2000.

Released Nov. 15, 2005, "Some Hearts" has logged a total of 20 weeks at number 1 on Billboard??�s Top Country Albums chart, beginning and ending 2006 at there and holding the top country spot for 14 weeks last year ??" more than any other artist.

Underwood also had a six-week number one single, ???Jesus, Take the Wheel??? Her next single is ???Wasted,??? hitting country radio in February.

Brooks & Dunn, Alan Jackson, Nelson join StageCoach Festival

Wednesday, January 10, 2007 � Brooks & Dunn, Alan Jackson, Sara Evans, Sugarland, Willie Nelson and Emmylou Harris signed up to play the first ever StageCoach Festival in May in California, joining George Strait and Kenny Chesney.

The fest will be held May 5-6 in Indio, Cal. Other name artists announced Wednesday are Pat Green, Lucinda Williams, Kris Kristofferson, Nickel Creek, Raul Malo and Ricky Skaggs.

Artists will perform in four distinct performance areas including the main stage, an alt.-country stage, a bluegrass stage and a storytelling area making for two days of music.

In addition to music, there will be a wide variety of art including country music memorabilia, antique cowboy gear, rawhide sculptures, western heritage installations and Americana folk arts. Music fans can also participate in saddle making, blacksmiths, rodeo gear, lasso and trail boss seminars.

The line-up is:

Saturday, May 5, 2007: George Strait, Alan Jackson, Sara Evans, Jason Aldean, Eric Church, Willie Nelson, Lucinda Williams, Neko Case, Robert Earl Keen, Richie Furay, Chris Hillman & Herb Pederson, David Serby, Earl Scruggs, Nickel Creek, Yonder Mountain String Band, The Grascals, The John Cowan Band, Ramblin??� Jack Elliot, Riders in the Sky, Red Steagall, Waddie Mitchell, Sons of the San Joaquin, Cowboy Nation.

Sunday, May 6, 2007: Kenny Chesney, Brooks & Dunn, Sugarland, Gary Allan, Pat Green, Emmylou Harris, Kris Kristofferson, Raul Malo, Junior Brown, Drive by Truckers, Alejandro Escovedo, Railbenders, Ricky Skaggs, Doyle Lawson and Quicksilver, Marty Stuart, The Del McCoury Band, Abigail Washburn with the Sparrow Quartet featuring Ben Sollee, Casey Driessen and Bela Fleck, The Flatlanders (Jimmie Dale Gilmore, Joe Ely, Butch Hancock), Garrison Keillor, Baxter Black, Cowboy Celtic, Don Edwards, and Katy Moffat.

Tickets for STAGECOACH will go on sale Saturday, Jan. 20 at 10 a.m. (PT) via TicketMaster charge-by-phone lines at (213) 480-3232 and at all TicketMaster retail ticket centers or online at www.ticketmaster.com. A 2-day pass is $165.

The fest is being put on by the same outfit that has been so successful with the Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival, which is held at the same venue.

Radney Foster Added To Sara Evans Tour

January 10, 2007 � Sara Evans has invited Radney Foster to start off the new year with her on the road, opening 15 shows in January and February. Sarah, whose version of Radney's "Real Fine Place To Start" was a multi-week No. 1 hit last year, is a longtime fan. "Radney is one of the most talented singer/songwriters of our time," she says. "His voice is so unique, sexy and engaging."

Radney will appear solo and acoustic at the shows, beginning this Friday, January 12, at Ovens Auditorium, in Charlotte, N.C. His latest single, "Prove Me Right," was one of the Top 15 most played tracks on XM's X Country and also came in at No. 18 on the Texas Music Chart's year-end countdown. The single is from his current Dualtone release, This World We Live In.

**** Amy's Kitchen ****
"Breakfast Casserole"

2 to 3 slices bread, cubed
1 lb. sausage
8 oz. extra sharp Cheddar cheese(shredded)
6 eggs
2 cups milk
1/2 tsp. dry mustard
1/2 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. pepper

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Grease a 9x12 inch casserole dish.

Cover bottom of dish with bread.

Sprinkle fried sausage over top of bread.

Sprinkle cheese over.

Beat eggs, milk, dry mustard, salt and pepper.

Pour on top of layers and cover with foil.

Refrigerate overnight.

Bake, uncovered, for 45 minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
German Potato Salad

6-8 potatoes, cooked
1/2 c. Bacos
1/4 c. oil
3/4 c. chopped onion
2 tbsp. flour
1-2 tbsp. sugar
1/2 tsp. celery seed
Pepper
1-1/2 tsp. salt
3/4 c. water
1/8 c. white wine vinegar

Slice potatoes thin. Heat oil and add Bacos to oil in large frying pan. Blend in flour, sugar, salt, celery seed and pepper. Cook over low heat stirring until smooth and bubbly. Remove from heat. Stir in water and vinegar. Heat to a boil, stirring constantly. Boil one minute, then add potatoes. Remove from heat and cover. Let stand until serving time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TIPS FOR BAKING BREAD:

* Brush melted butter over the tops of breads and biscuits as
soon as they are removed from the oven. This will make the
crust soft and full of flavor.

* Put a cake pan about half full of water in the oven while
baking bread. This will provide enough moisture to keep the
crust from drying out too much.

* Mix a pinch of salt with one egg and brush over biscuits
(scratch or pre-made) before baking to make a beautiful
golden crust with a hint of egg flavor.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Baker's Dozen: Kitchen Tips

1. Nuts can be stored in the freezer for up to a year--shelled or not.

2. If you have a small amount of milk that you don't think you can use
before it spoils, pour it into ice cube trays and freeze. After they are
frozen, pop out and store in resealable bags or freezer containers.

3. When slicing apples, keep them from turning brown by dipping them in
lemon-lime soda.

4. Use your electric knife to slice angel food cake and you won't have
squashed slices!

5. Spray your knife with cooking spray before cutting meringue-topped
pies and the meringue will cut cleanly.

6. Cube leftover ham and store in the freezer...it's handy to add to mac
and cheese, omelets, etc.

7. Did you know you can make many pie recipes without the crust? Just
pour the filling into a pie pan that has been sprayed with
non-stick cooking spray. Examples: pumpkin, custard, buttermilk

8. Many people don't know that potato chips will keep for months if
stored in the freezer.

9. Too tired too cook, but don't want to buy dinner out? Just stop by
the deli and buy a roasted chicken, then add your own veggies for a
quick, not-as-expensive-as-takeout meal!

10. Make your own breadstick dipping sauce by adding Italian seasoning
to tomato paste or sauce.

11. When you don't have half-and-half, you can substitute 1 cup of
evaporated milk for 1 cup of half-and-half.

12. Kitchen cleaning tip: you can use baking soda as a substitute for
scouring powder.

13. Save money by buying vegetable oil in the large size (when it's on
sale!). Keep a smaller bottle in your cupboard and just refill it when
necessary.

**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

How do they shoot a person from a cannon without injuring them?

Human cannonballs aren't blasted from the cannon with gunpowder. They're propelled by a catapult. The flash, loud noise and smoke are supplied by firecrackers and such. Mind you, being "shot" out of a cannon, flying 100 feet in the air, and attempting to land in a small area isn't exactly a walk in the park. It's not the blast or flight that injures or hurts the human cannonball -- the landing is the hard part.

****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
Aches and pains are your body's way of telling you something. As you grow older, your body becomes more and more talkative.

LAST CALL Y'ALL
On a weekend in Dec.. one of the biggest
motorcycle gatherings of the
year in our area, the annuaI "Gifts For Tots"
was assembling on vacant
parking lots nearby.
-
I had volunteered to help out a friend, the owner
of a small
neighborhood pub, who was called out of town on
a family emergency, by
tending bar.
-
Most of the "locals", regular customers, at the
bar were engaged in a
lively discussion over a local property tax
increase, when the pub was
invaded by the overwhelming roar from the engines
of motorcycles pulling
up outside.
-
All of our patrons' eyes swung toward the door
and all conversation had
turned into uneasy, nervous whispering.
-
A group of tough looking bikers walked up to the
bar, and biggest one
asked me gruffly, "Where's the phone ?"
-
I asked him if it was a local call, and when he
said "Yeah", gave him
the house phone from behind the bar.
-
The uneasy silence in the room let everyone
overhear what the biker said
into the receiver.
-
Then the tension in the atmosphere changed, as if
the sun had suddenly
appeared on a grey, rainy day, when he said,
-
"Hi, Mom. I just wanted to let you know I may be
home a little late
tonight."

HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
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Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
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